Positive Thoughts needed

I keep telling myself I will start blogging again soon, and I will. But today I saw a post on a blog and I felt compelled to post it.

My name is brandy. And I have a blog. (http://brainyjane22.wordpress.com/)

And a plea.

I use my blog to showcase the crazy I meet everyday, share the stories of the kids I teach and document my love for tequila, dairy products and the abdominal muscles of Ryan Reynolds. Rarely do I talk about personal issues on my blog- as personal as the dude that I adore (who I actually met through my blog- single ladies, let that be a very good reason to blog, the possibility of meeting someone as wonderful as my man), but I need your help. And it involves my dude.

He’s a guy who made math comics for my class, so they would love learning about addition. He’s the kinda guy who sends my friends gift cards when they are having hard times, who remembers every story I ever told him, who was the first person I celebrated with when I got a teaching job. He’s the guy who sent flowers to me at school- dozens of my favourite pink roses just because he loves me. He’s a guy who has spent a year patiently explaining (and re-explaining) everything there is to know about football during the important games when silence is preferred. He’s made me word puzzles and comics and stayed up late playing Scrabble with me (even though I beat him almost every time). He’s listened to me cry about school and family and jobs. He is everything I never knew I needed and everything I always knew I wanted.

The holidays have hit us hard. He’s recently been told he may have something called multiple myeloma- an incurable cancer, that gives a person an average of five years of continued life. Though this news has came as a shock, he continues to be exactly who has always been- spending his time worrying about me, rather than worrying about himself. He’s the most selfless individual I know- (he stayed late on Christmas Eve to work, so his co-workers could leave early) and a post like this would never be something that he would promote or encourage but when I’m overwhelmed and feeling helpless, the blogging community has always given me tremendous support and comfort, two things I desperately need at this time.

As I write this, the future is uncertain and we aren’t sure what’s happening. He’ll need to see an oncologist soon, to verify what’s going on in his body. My hope is that everyone who reads this think positive thoughts and if you are a person who prays, could you add him to your list? (You can refer to him as ‘brandy’s hot awesome dude’). If you don’t pray, please keep him in your heart.This cancer is only a possibility and I believe that the prayers and positive thoughts of people can make sure it never becomes a reality.

I want to give a big thank you to the blog owner who scraped their original blog plans and graciously put this up. My goal is to get as many people as possible to see and read this post. If you are reading this and want to help, copy and paste my plea into your blog or send a link through twitter, so more people can keep him in their thoughts. I would be so very grateful (even more grateful than I am to my friend who first showed me the picture of Ryan Reynolds on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. If you haven’t seen it, google it. You. Are. Welcome).

I realize this all sounds dramatic, a Lifetime movie in the making- but this is life. Right now. And I’m throwing away any hint of ego and am humbly asking for you to pray or think kind thoughts. If you are able to pass this on, thank you and if you know anything regarding MM- please email me (my email is on my blog). This isn’t a call for sympathy or a plea for pity. It’s just one girl hoping you can think positive thoughts for the person she adores. If my current heartache provides you with anything, let it be with the reminder that life is short, love is unbending and no one knows what could happen next. Maybe it is silly, but I really do believe that positive thoughts can make a huge difference. Thank you for reading this and if you haven’t already? Please tell someone you love them today.

I did.

Reminder to Self

I haven't been on here in FOREVER. Work, school, parenting and fitness have been kicking my butt and keeping me away. For the most part there's not a lot to tell. I do have an issue but I'll save that for tomorrow when I'm not tired. Tomorrow morning I'm getting up to do an 8AM workout at the gym followed by 9AM Zumba which I LOVE so much! 2 hours should justify me eating like a normal person for a day. Right? Let's hope!

My story

So I promised a story from my birthday. It's nothing that probably hasn't happened a million times, but nonetheless it was weird and awkward! I went to my sisters house the day after my birthday. She invited another couple over and they were really nice. The woman was super sweet, and the guy was the same and they made easy conversation. Throughout the course of the night, the guy kept finding ways to touch me. Whether it be kissing my hand, or walking by me and touching my shoulders or playing with my hair and yes he did it in front of his girlfriend. I just chalked it up to him being a nice person who's affectionate. The girlfriend didn't seem to mind. I'm not one to speak up about something that hasn't quite crossed the line, I don't like confrontations or drama.

At one point I went inside to use the bathroom and when I came outside, the girlfriend was giving my sister a shoulder massage. So I sat down, grabbed my beer and happily continued drinking. Suddenly, the guy announces that the birthday girl needed some special attention. He gets up and starts massaging my shoulders and neck. I said no, that's ok but he insisted. It was awkward because I don't enjoy getting touched by people I don't know LOL. But I stuck it out and hoped he wouldn't be too long. A little while later almost the same scenario occurred except this time the girl was giving my sister's husband a massage. Again I didn't think it was too weird......until again her boyfriend came over to me to do it again. And this time it wasn't a quickie. He lingered. He lingered long enough for his girlfriend to sit back down and grab a drink. He lingered so long that his girlfriend said (finally!) "ok babe you really need to stop now." Ummm yeah, ya think? I know I should have spoken up but it didn't really feel creepy....just weird. After that things kind of changed a bit. While she was still nice to me, she got kind of quiet and wanted to leave. She gets up to go to the bathroom and he follows her. They were in there for a while. Finally he exits the bathroom (I wondered if they had sex in there) just as I was coming in to get a drink. The bathroom was right off the kitchen but that didn't stop the guy from coming over to me to give me a hug.....and pulling me in for a kiss, while he's grabbing my ass of course. Whoa. WTF? I pushed him back, about to go off and he just smiles and walks away.

Seriously. That really irritated me that a) he would disrespect me like that to think that I would actually enjoy being manhandled and made out with while his girlfriend is in the next room and b) that he would disrespect his girlfriend like that. I said nothing and they left right after that, thank goodness. I don't like to generalize, but what is wrong with men??? Why do they find it so hard to be loyal and faithful to the one they are with? The person could be sweet, attractive, successful (like his girlfriend is) and that's not good enough? What is it about the penis that overrides all logic and sensibility? GRRRRRR. I was irritated for a ocuple of days about it, I'm not sure why I let it affect me like that. I'm over it now but still, I'd like to take that guy and give him a good swift kick in the ass!

I really wanted to make this light and funny, but I'm pretty tired right now. Long day, long weekend and ready to begin another week!

Lazy

I have no excuse for not writing other than laziness. The last time I wrote was the day before my birthday. I had a decent day although I got a slight case of food poisoning from dinner. But I made it out alive. I had an awkward experience the day after my birthday which I'll blog about next time. Other than that, I haven't had much excitement since then....which is not necessarily a bad thing!

A Year Ago

Before I start, I'll warn that most of this entry will be filled with negativity and explanations to why I had a crappy day. But don't worry, I'll throw in something positive at the end.

My day started out crappy when the alarm went off at 5:00 and I did not get up to work out for the second day in a row. I was tired, groggy and sneezy and I couldn't drag my lazy ass out of bed which ultimately led to guilt and digust with myself for once again starting something and failing a couple of days later. But I'm not one to beat myself up for too long. All I can do is keep *trying* (oh I hate that word!) and hope that I can become consistent with my efforts.

When I finally did wake up, my first thought was that tomorrow is my birthday. Lots of people would be excited about their birthday. I am not. I was supposed to be away for my birthday, seeing my mom and having a great time with a friend but that did not happen. And the feeling of not having "someone special" to share my birthday with plagued me all day. I was down and weepy at work and feeling sorry for myself. It was sickening actually, but I could not help myself.

Then I started thinking about a year ago today. One year ago today I was in a happy relationship....or so I thought. I had a guy who I thought loved me and that I would be with for a very long time. I think a year ago I was on the computer like I am now. Three hours from now will mark the one year anniversary of the worst day that I've had in a long time. That is when I found out that I was not actually in a happy relationship. The guy, Scott, was seeing someone else and in fact professing his love to her on myspace. I know...in the grand scheme of life this is really not that serious. I get that. But truly that night (and several nights after for months) I felt like someone kicked me in the stomach. This was a guy that I thought would NEVER do something like that to me. We had a lot of talks in great length about the kind of relationship we wanted. We talked about cheating and I told him how I just wanted one guy to feel that I am ENOUGH. I learned a year ago that I wasn't enough. And I learned it on my birthday.

Fast forward a year later. I'm much stronger than I was last year. I still have a big heart and when I love, I love hard. But I no longer see him as the perfect guy, and I should not have thought that anyway, as nobody is perfect. I no longer have that same adoration for him that I did prior to a year. I no longer make excuses for some of his behaviors and love him "regardless". I'm much stronger, a little more bitter and a lot more cautious. I still a weakness for him and since then we have still been talking and I have forgiven him, but have not forgotten. I would like to think that I have learned a lot from this experience with him, and something that I can take with me in to my next relationship....whenever that happens.

So now I'm sitting here a year later, not really looking forward to tomorrow but at the same time I'm very thankful to be alive and have made it through another year. Death does not discriminate against anyone or anything...not age, race, gender or religious beliefs. It can strike at any time and I would like to try to focus on that and the fact that I'm living and I'm healthy. Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day.

Sleeping Beauty

Tonight will be a short blog. The effects of waking up early the past 2 days have caught up to me and I'm wicked tired. I even had a forty five minute nap after work. I feel great during the day and I hope I can stick this out. It's all about the discipline and willpower! I know it sounds weird but I'm trying to look at myself in the mirror more. I'm good at ignoring looking at anything from my neck down and I'm not going to do that anymore.

My eyes are literally closing as I type this so, I'll call this one now. That's a wrap!

Hungry Eyes

Today started out with success and ended up......not so much. I got up to work out this morning. It was hard to get moving and I had conversations with myself, telling myself that it wouldn't hurt if I didn't go this morning, or I could just stay at home and do a work out DVD, but I knew I wouldn't get as good of a work out. So after some strong internal debate I went to the gym. I felt great after and I need to always remember that feeling whenever I start falling out of the habit.

As far as food, I did well all day. Around 2:00 though I got a headache and I felt really hungry. I stuck to my meals and snacks though. Then I got home and things went down hill. I forgot to take chicken out of the freezer and I didn't have anything else to make so I made pasta with meatballs. I ate too much pasta and I had my share of meatballs. Then later this evening I had 4 lemon cookies. Why? I don't know if the carb overload tonight made me crave sugar but I needed some.

So I'm not calling this day a success even though 75% of it was. But I'm not beating myself up either. I feel good having worked out and ate well all day. Tomorrow will be better. I took chicken out and have salad ready to go. My meals and snacks are made for tomorrow so all I have to do is wake up and begin tomorrow like I did today.

In the mean time, I am dog tired and will go to bed early!

Starting Fresh

After taking some pictures of myself yesterday, I realized that I'm not doing my body or health any justice by eating what I want and not working out. You would think that looking in the mirror would tell me that, except I don't look in the mirror except from the neck up. You would think that COMMON SENSE would tell me that, except I'm pretty good at ignoring common sense when I want to. But pictures...you can't hide from them, ignore them and they do not lie. It's time to snap out of this funk. It's time to stop feeding my moods and start feeding my health.

So I'm going to make (another) go of it and get up at 5AM tomorrow morning and work out. I would like to get up every day during the work week and work out because evenings I can find a dozen excuses, including it being too hot, to work out. If I can get it out of the way in the morning, that would be great. I also made my meals for tomorrow which aren't super perfect but I want to stay within a certain amount of calories. This week I'll be eating cereal for breakfast and then I'll have a sandwich cut in half, eating each half as a meal with either carrots or fruit and then a small salad with vinegar during the day. Dinners aren't planned but I'm going to behave. Not *try* to behave, I WILL behave. Enough is enough!

Reap What I Sow

I broke and called Scott. For 7 days I remained strong. I felt good at my peaks, and struggled through the valleys and during all of those times I did not call him. Friday I woke up at my lowest and I'm not sure why. Maybe it was because of the beginning of the weekend. Or maybe the two days off work gave me too much time to think. I called him to apologize for saying that I hated him. I don't like hating anyone, or using the word 'hate'. I did feel it though and I felt bad for saying it. Maybe I'm too nice. He told me he appreciated me saying that. And then he went on to blast me.

He told me I made way too much out of the myspace comment. He's not with his ex and it was just something he left for her. He said she knows the deal and knows they aren't together and that if the roles were reversed he would never flip over something like that. I suppose that's easy for him to say since I was always very respectful of him. I would never do anything like that.

Anyway after he blasted me, he had to get back to work. He ended up calling me later and I realized during that conversation that I'm on my way to getting over him anyway. Every time we have a blow up, it takes a lot out of me, including love I have for him. I still care about him but I don't have that same feeling I once had....and that is good! So I'm in a much better place today.

Today I treated myself to a haircut complete with coloring and highlighting.

You can't really see the highlights in this picture but they are there. Actually a lot was done to get it healthy looking again. I had too many light blonde highlights (a.k.a. bleach) in my hair from several months ago, so she colored me back to my original color and then did some random chunky higlights. She also cut almost 3 inches from my length. Yikes! I like it though, it will be much easier to manage.

Then I got my eyebrows and a pedicure done. I went for a hot pink for summer, with a design on the big toes. I love designs!

$195 later.....I'm feeling good! I did feel guilty about how expensive the hair was, but I desperately needed to get it healthy again. My mom and dad will give me birthday money next week so I'll put that back in the bank and consider this my present to myself.

All in all today was a good day!

Pepe Le Pew

I'm convinced that there is a family of skunks living in my yard. Every day for the last couple of months I've been graced with that wonderful scent of skunk. Occasionally during the day but mostly at night and in the wee hours of the morning. I'm kind of stuck with it too because I have to put a fan in my bedroom to keep it cool and of course that draws the scent in even quicker. I wish they would go tind another place to live, I'm kind of tired of waking up to it! One day I fear that I'll be walking out to my car to go to work and I'll get sprayed. From what I hear, when you get sprayed it stays on you for days unless you bathe in tomato juice. I can't stand either of those scents so I'm sure it would one giant gag fest.

Today was an ok day. I felt good knowing that I got to leave work at 3 to go to a dr. appointment and that I'm off the next two days. I hope I don't fall in to the same routine of hiding out in my room the whole weekend. I know it sounds crazy but sometimes I'm just not motivated to do anything, especially when I'm down and out. It actually takes effort to do something. That's how I feel lately, although I've tried a little bit. I really need to start working out again too. I've completely stopped that and abandoned any good eating habits I had a couple of months ago. I'm a disgusting blob.....you would think that would be enough to get me moving but so far it hasn't. I'm going to try to start up on it again this weekend.

Speaking of "trying"....I kind of hate that word. When I say I'm going to "try" to workout.....what does that mean? I either am or I'm not. What is the trying part? Scott used to always use that word, usually in the phrase "I'll try to call you later" Ummm, ok. Where does the trying part come in? You either call me or you don't. Unless of course you have broken all your fingers and nose and you have to dial with your toes. Then I can understand the use of the word "try" because I imagine that typing with your toes takes a little effort!

Twos Day

Today was an ok day. I had some moments again today but I seem to be getting through them ok. I talked to a couple of girlfriends today and they give me a fresh point of view and help me through my moments. They rock!

I got my new phone today....Samsung Behold.....and I love it! I have to call T-Mobile though because they promised me a free trial of internet on the phone and so far I'm not getting it. I had fun playing with it tonight when I got home from work and it kept my mind off things.

Starting tomorrow at 4:00 I'm done with work for the week and I'm excited about it! I hope I do ok all weekend, alone with my thoughts. I do plan an afternoon of beauty on the weekend though. My hair desperately needs cut and coloring and I'm going to get my nails, toes and brows done. It's been far too long since I've pampered myself and I'm looking forward to it! Other than that I don't have any plans right now but I need to make some before I end up hanging alone and drowning in my thoughts. That's never a good thing!

Another day

I'm glad that Monday is over! It wasn't anything bad in particular, I just wasn't in the mood to put on a pretend smile and act like everything is great...but I did. I had another blah day though. I wonder when it will get better. Tonight I started thinking about something that really bums me out. The biggest thing I'm going to miss about Scott is the chemistry we have. We have amazing chemistry and I've never felt more comfortable and free to be me with anyone else in my life. I know I should think positively but what if I never find that again? I don't think I will. It's taken me all this time to find that and now it's gone, he took that away from me.
I know I shouldn't care, but he hasn't tried to contact me either. That's probably a good thing but it affirms to me that I'm not as important as he made me out to be and now that he's declaring his love for his ex - whether they are together or not, I don't know - he really doesn't need me around anyway. Please jab the knife in my heart a little deeper.

Other than my crazy random thoughts it was a pretty quiet day. I'm taking off Thursday and Friday and I can't wait. I look forward to not having to put up a front and just be alone with my thoughts....or not think at all.

***In honor of thinking positively thanks to a kick ass chic***** (I don't know how to add her blog URL here or I would!) I want to give a shout out to a really good friend of mine. She's actually my best friend and she's always there for me especially during times like this and she let's me talk about it as much as I want to. Sometimes she gives me very tough love and is very harsh but generally when I'm feeling down and I want to talk about my feelings, she's there for me and she doesn't ever get "tired" of hearing me ponder the same things over and over. I'm grateful for her. She was even going to call HIM up and tell him off, and at first I agreed but thankfully I came to my senses and called off the dogs. LOL! She typed out what she was going to say and DAMN....she gives new meaning to ripping a new asshole. LOL But I don't need to go out like that. I've quietly disappeared and I think it's best that way.

Tomorrow is another day, it's supposed to be gorgeous and I'm one day closer to being over him. Yay!

One Day At A Time...

Yesterday was an ok. I didn't really feel too bad, and I got out and took my son to the movies. Today on the other hand I felt blah. I questioned why things happen the way they do. Why a good person like me who has such a huge heart can never find real love? But I know I'm not the only one in the world and I'm blessed with a well paying job, my health and a great kid. So who am I to complain? Still....I wish I had someone to call my own, someone to cherish me and treat me good. It bums me out. I will probably write about this every day for a while, but I will try not to dwell in each post.

I'm getting a new cell phone and I'm excited to get it, it will cheer me up. The unfortunate part of that is that it's going to add to my monthly bill since the new line with my old phone will be for my son. But still, I can't wait. I wanted to get it at the mall today but of course the T-Mobile store tries to hose you in to getting more services so I opted to do it over the phone AND pay $12 to have it express shipped hehe. That's the highlight of my life right now. Pathetic but true!

I can't wait to feel normal again....whatever normal is.

Random Thoughts

I think the key for me to deal with difficult things is to keep busy. When I'm home, I'm sitting around and thinking. Thinking about stuff I shouldn't be thinking about. When I'm doing things, it might still be on my mind a bit, but it's not constant and my mind is occupied with other things. So I need to allow myself more practice at keeping busy, even if it's the last thing I want to do.

Today I went and saw the movie "Orphan". It was pretty good! It was kind of long and a little bit slow in the beginning but it turned out to be good. I would definitely recommend it to anyone that may happen to stumble across my blog. After that I came home and haven't really done much of anything since then so then my mind's gone wondering...and not in a good place. I know I shouldn't hate anyone. It's a bad feeling to have for someone. But I hate him right now. I hate him for everything he's put me through and for being a cold hearted sonofabitch. I wish I never met him and I'm pretty proud of myself today for not crying over him. I think it really helped that I changed my cell phone number again so I do not expect him to call or care when he doesn't. I think when I can get past this and forget about him for the most part, one day I'll wonder why I stuck it out for so long. I can't wait for that!

Closing the Book

The final chapter in my shitty relationship with Scott (yeah I'm using his real name now) is done and I'm closing the book on it. I've said and thought this too many times but last night was the last straw. The first time he dumped me for someone else devastated me and almost broke me. But for reasons I still don't understand, I stuck around. I believed his lies and I ate up his words and the fact that he didn't want to lose me.

I believed him when he said he didn't love his ex anymore. I believed him when he said he loved me.

So why am I shocked and hurt that once again he showed me and the world his love for her on her myspace page? It sounds so stupid typing it, but it's not stupid to me. It hurt me again. It hurt me even more when I confronted him and he turned it around to something I did wrong. It hurt me that he fluffed it off and said "it's just a myspace comment". It's like deja-vu all over again and this time I'm not sticking around.

I'm down and out, I feel like shit and even cried at my desk at work and in my car at lunch. But this time it will not almost break me. It will be a long hard struggle because when I love, I love hard and I still love the asshole. But I will find a way to survive and come out stronger. I will find a way to eventually stop feeling like I'm not good enough and start feeling like it was HIM that wasn't good enough.

God please forgive me for the hate in my heart.

Committed

I've decided to commit myself (I could end this sentence here, but I won't) to blogging more often, even if it's about nothing. I feel better when I write. I do not, however, put my inner most thoughts on here....not usually anyway. So night after I blogged, I found myself wanting to write in my journal about what I was really thinking. But I was too tired and lazy to do so. I'm not really going to get all in to it, but I will say that for reasons I have no clue about, I still love the guy that broke my heart last year. We never stopped talking and for a long time I was able to bury those feelings for the most part. But recently they've resurfaced. I woke up this morning though, scared to death that he was going to hurt me like that again. Obviously no matter what happens, I will remain among the living and life will have to go on. But those were some of the darkest days of my life and I do not ever want to visit those feelings again. Still I can't shake the worry that has welled up inside of me.

Someone reading this may ask why then don't I just give him up if I have that much of a fear that he will hurt me? Well to be honest, I don't know how to give up on someone that I have so much feeling for, just based on a "what if". I don't want to regret anything later. So here I am, hoping and wishing for the best.

Bad, bad girl

I haven't blogged in ages and I really don't have a good excuse. I'm taking the summer off from school and I haven't been on vacation. I should be blogging. The only thing resembling an excuse that I could have if I wanted was the fact that they blocked blogs at work. That really annoyed me. That's where I did all of my blog reading and responding, as well as my own. Now I can't do any of it.

Anyway, nothing much new has happened since I last blogged anyway. I'm still talking to McS. We have our ups and downs, I'm trying to be on an up after a long time of really not feeling it anymore. But then we had a long talk and told me all of the things I needed to hear and I was sold...again. He is one person that makes me feel comfortable with myself. I'm overweight and he says I'm beautiful. I love to hear that. I'm sure that there are other guys that think that also, but none that I'm interested in.

I really have nothing new that I would like to report. Maybe that's another reason I haven't blogged. I lead a very quiet life!! In August I am going to NYC again with my friend to visit our college friend. I'm looking forward to that. And now that I'm not going on vacation, I should take a weekend and go somewhere. Some place inexpensive but fun and some place that my son would enjoy when he gets out of summer school. That really puts a damper on the summer and I hope it's his last year of being lazy.

Tis all for now.

WHY????

I had a whole post that I typed out at work in an email so I could copy and paste it here. But I forgot......I can't paste in blogger. WHY????? I wanted to vent about my bad day and this is the sprinkles on the icing of my cake.

That is all.

Week 1 Success

I have to write this quick because I'm late leaving for work already. But I had success with my first low carb week. I lost 7 lbs! I was actually at the 7 lb mark last Thursday and the scale hasn't moved since then (well, it went up once....what!) but I still consider it a success because a) "Auntie Flo" is in town and I have major bloatedness and b) I had a couple of minor slip ups on the weekend.

Yesterday morning I did not wake up to workout at the gym. So I came home and did 1/2 hour of aerobics. I didn't burn near as many calories but at least it was some movement. This morning I DID wake up but did not go to the gym because I was irritated at someone and lost in thought. But I plan on getting a walk in at lunch and another half hour tonight. I really need to start weights and even more so, I really need to start doing crunches.

I'm spending more money on food which I don't like. But I'm trying this lifestyle eating foods that I enjoy so it doesn't seem like a diet. If I keep this up, I'll be able to stick with it for a long time. Hopefully forever!

Off to work I go.... eh.

What the Funk???

I'm in a funk today. Actually for the past couple of days. I'm irritated, withdrawn and I just don't feel like dealing with any friend drama. Truth is, I'm lonely. I wish I had someone to love and that loved me back. I started thinking earlier tonight (big mistake!) that it's been a really long time since I had someone truly love me. Like since the early 2000-2001. When I was in that relationship, I knew the guy loved me. I mean he REALLY loved me, I never had to question that, no matter what kind of troubles we had. I miss the consistency of knowing that no matter what, I was loved and that nobody would ever take my place. I've had relationships since then and I haven't had that feeling. It's a pretty depressing thought.

I wonder when I will have that again....or if I will have it. The worst part is, I'm not really up for "looking" for a guy right now, I'm still hung up on McS. I'm also trying to work on myself, physically and emotionally, so that I can be prepared for my next relationship. So my only choices here are to fake the funk for a while and put myself out there to meet new people. Or I can be lonely and wait for the next guy to cross my path that really moves me. Ugh, who knows.

How's It Going?

I'm here to post quicklly about how things are going with my diet. They are actually going better than I ever imagined they would. I resisted doing low carb for so long because I was in the "Weight Watcher" frame of mind where I could have anything I want as long as I pay attention to the portions. I'm sure to an extent it's true......if I actually followed that plan. I think as I've gotten older, my body needed this change of pace. I feel better and sometimes I almost convince myself that these few days have magically made me thin (but then I look in the mirror). But still....I'm seeing good things.

I've been waking up even earlier to go to the gym, which has made me pretty tired at night. I think my body is still in "adjust" mode. I have not had any real cravings for carbs, as I thought I would especially at night. I don't miss potatoes or pasta....all they do is make me full and sleepy. Sometimes I go through periods where my stomach feels empty, even shortly after I've eaten. I don't like those periods. I've also started to drink water and have given up diet soda completely. I don't care what "they" say though (whoevery "they" is).....water does not make me full. It never has....in fact, when I'm drinking it that's when I feel empty sometimes. But then when I started chewing gum and actually had some flavor in my mouth, it got better.

Anyway all is good. This weekend will probably be the most challenging. Thankfully I don't have any picnics or BBQ's to go to so I won't have that temptation to deal with just yet. But I've been known to do great all week and blow it big time on the weekend. I am determined not to do that this time.

My Low Carb-session

Tomorrow I'm going to embark on a lifestyle that I have previously resisted with a fury. I'm going on a low-carb diet. Actually let me rephrase that since I hate the word diet. I'm going on a low-carb lifestyle. I'm kind of excited about it right now but I'm sure my tummy and my brain will be feeling otherwise by tomorrow afternoon. I decided to try this because prior to a couple of weeks ago, I have been working my butt off working out and 'mostly' eating the right things, and I haven't seen much results. I looked at a typical menu for my day and realized that between the bran cereal for breakfast, fruit and fiber one bars for snack, sandwich for lunch and meat and carbs for dinner....I was having A LOT of carbs/sugar in my day.

Now I want to see some serious results. I'm giving myself 2 months on this to see how I do. During that time I will track what I eat and my exercise also. I also want to take pictures along the way. I really hope that this is something that I can stick with. Because I really do need something to work for me. I may be visiting one of my friends and my mom in August and I really want to be thinner than when I've seen them last.

My typical menu will look something like this:

Breakfast: Omlette and maybe a slice or two of turkey bacon
Snack: strawberries and 1/2 serving of almonds
Lunch: turkey on 1 slice of pumpernickel bread, 1 cup of salad with vinegar
Snack: apple and 1/2 serving of almonds
Dinner: chicken or porkchop with salad, broccoli or some other kind of veggie
Snack (if need be): Stawberry smoothie (strawberries, 1/2 cup of milk, ice, splenda)

So far the only things that excite me from this menu is the 1/2 sandwich and the smoothie. LOL

Good luck to me!

Back to the Grind

It's been way too long since I posted. I can't post at work anymore or read any blogs because the fun suckers blocked blogs about a month ago. Probably because of me. Whatever. So because it's late and I should get to bed, I'm going to post what I emailed myself last week (and didn't have time/forgot to post). I was having a particularly bad day. I'm over it now. Tomorrow (hopefully) I will be a good girl and post about my boring life.

Ok never mind. It's not letting me paste. WTF?

Whatever.

Random Act of Sensitivity

I experienced a totally random act of over-sensitivity the other day at work that is still bothering me. Normally I'm not one to hold grudges but I am really pissed off and I don't think it's going to go away any time soon.

I was pretty cool with the other woman in my office, AC. I kind of had to be, we rely on each other since we are responsible for answering our bosses phones and so we have to coordinate our vacation schedules and days off with each other so we can always have office coverage (gag).

Before I get into the random act, I have to say that I have some built up hostility over my work situation. I'm constantly being left alone because AC has taken on a new role which takes her out of the Admin role and puts her into a project management role. The part I'm pissed about is the fact that most of the time, I'm always left alone in the office. She's either on vacation, in meetings or when she IS in, she's out wandering and being a social butterfly. Needless to say, I'm left there by myself, having to find coverage or just leave the phone when I have to do something such as going pee. It's annoying, frustrating and makes me unmotivated to go to work. I'm not angry at her, it's part of her job....it's frustrating though that they can't fill the other secretary position that's supposed to be there. It would be a great relief. But they have no intentions of filling it, so for now I have to suck it up and smile.

Anyway last Wednesday AC came into the office, and she was late. That's not unusual. But she's there for a few minutes and starts acting dramatic. Announcing over and over again that she had a headache. Then she would lay her head on the desk. Lift it up and make sure she said again that her head hurt. Then came the claims of nausea. Finally she picked her head up off the desk and said she was going home. Naturally I was annoyed. This was the first week in a very long time that she was in the office all day for the full 5 days. Guess not. The next day I come in and we get a very brief email that she's not feeling well and won't be in. I was enraged but really what could I say? She wasn't feeling well and I couldn't fault her for that.

Friday rolls around and she comes in, super chipper and says good morning. I was busy for a change, but I did say good morning. She goes into one of our bosses office and my boss asked her how she was feeling. She said she felt better, she was fatigued and she really needed rest. I didn't really think much of it other than it must be nice to be able to rest for a couple of days when you're tired.

So I'm making copies of something, and answering the phones at the same time and I take a call for my boss. After I transferred it, AC comes out of the office and says "I'm doing fine, thank you for asking" HUH? I looked at her with an incredulous look on my face and say "What are you talking about?" She proceeds to tell me that when she walked in to the office, I didn't even bother to ask her how she was feeling or anything. I told her that I said good morning to her but that I was busy. She says "Busy? yeah right."

Oh no you didn't.

That pissed me off. I said something that probably sparked the rest of the confrontation, but I'm glad I said it. I said "For someone who was just off the last couple of days, you sure are in a bad mood" She didn't like that at all. Basically the rest of the conversation was her continuing to bitch that I didn't do anything to see if she was feeling better, and me saying that I'm not having this conversation with her and that I was leaving early.

It sounds very trivial and stupid when I type it out or even talk about it. But I don't know what her fucking problem was and why she felt the need to confront me about something so stupid. Honestly her making a huge deal about it makes me believe that she wasn't "sick". But she wanted to make sure to act as dramatic as possible so that it's ok that she was out. Her facial expressions and the way she talked to me was uncalled for (also calling me paranoid....bitch!) and honestly I don't feel like our relationship will be the same. I don't want it to be either.

As far as I'm concerned, I'm going there to earn a paycheck and that's it. She's not getting much conversation from me and she's sure as hell not going to get me to coddle her no matter how much she bitches about it. She can go pound salt! hehe

Myspace funnies

It's been too long since I've written. I don't get to blog at work anymore because they are fun suckers that blocked all blogs and blogging programs. I had an entire bitch session blog all typed out but I've been too busy to even paste it on here.

So here I am. I was just on myspace and I must say that is a funny place to be. Sometimes in a funny "haha" way. Sometimes not.

So there's this guy on there that apparently is in love with the Hooters restaurant chain. Because every few weeks or so, he posts pictures that he takes with the Hooters girls. Nobody comments on them but he still posts them. I'm wondering if he posts them to make himself look cool. He's almost 50 and he really is a nice person, I know this because I've exchanged conversation with him. But really....what's with all the hooter pics, come on! Eh, whatever floats your boat...who am I to judge anyway?

Next was the guy that IMed me this morning. I don't know what is wrong with me, but men irritate me these days and I have no tolerance. The guy IMs me and it starts out innocent enough. He asks me how I'm doing and how my day is going, which is a refreshing change from the "Your sexy" opening line. I told him I was good and asked him how he was doing and he took that opportunity to tell me how he wasn't so good and he couldn't wait to get out of Georgia because people are so judgmental. I didn't even get a chance to ask him why (I really didn't want to ask him why either but I'm a courteous person) when he tells me that his wife died and his family doesn't like his parenting skills and he just wants to go somewhere away from everyone so he can raise his kids in peace. Wow. TMI for the first minute that you've never talked to me. My short answers to him after that most likely indicated to him that he probably shouldn't have gone there right away because he tried changing the subject. But it was too late. He already ruined things. Why can't I meet someone normal?

Am I even open to meeting anyone? It doesn't seem like it....otherwise I would give people a chance instead of finding things that irritate me about them.

The Time of My Life

I went to New Hampshire yesterday to see my all time favorite lead singer, Bret Michaels. I had the time of my life! My two girlfriends and I took the day off and set out on our 4 hour drive yesterday morning. I couldn't wait to get there, even though I knew I had a long time of standing around and waiting ahead of me. Bret Michaels is SO worth it. I hoped to get there early afternoon so I could grab spot #1 outside and camp there for the day. We ended up leaving around 11 and got there about 3:00. There was about 15-20 ahead of us and I was ok with that.




We met some really cool people in line also. Everyone was genuinely surprised that we would travel from New York just to see the show. Why not???? It was finally time to go in and much to my pleasure, we got right up front. There was only one group of girls in front of us but I parked myself right in front of Bret's microphone stand.




I never thought I would be one of these types of fans, but when I realized how close to "the man" I would be, I almost felt like I wanted to cry. I was SO excited. Anyway the first band, Resin, was actually pretty good. There songs kind of stuck with me, they had a nice melody. The lead singer was pretty easy on the eyes too.



But he's nowhere near as good looking as Bret Michaels. That man is BEE-YOU-TEE-FUL!

But the best part of the show was when Bret kept looking at me and pointing at me. One of the times he looked at me I told him I loved him (LOL) and I'm sure he hears that all the time but when he saw me yell it to him, he got this huge smile. I was in heaven.

The only thing I would change about the night is that I would have loved to stick around and meet him afterwards and get a picture with him. But I was so dehydrated and we were tired from the ride. From previous experience I knew it would take at least an hour or so before they came out, and then another hour to get through the group of people that was waiting around for him so we decided to leave.


Needless to say I will be looking to see what other shows might be close enough for me to go to! I think I'm becoming a groupie. :o)

Too much to ask?

I've been wanting to write for a week but I've been so busy with school and other stuff, I haven't given myself the time to write. Officially school is over tomorrow. I still have a Quiz and a final project for Visual Basic to finish. I have a 20 page paper for a lit. class and I haven't started it or read anything I need for it. Ouch. I have an extension on both. Not very long but it's better than nothing.

Tomorrow the girls and I are headed to NH to see Bret Michaels again. I'm excited to do the road trip, excited to see his Sexxiness again and just to be off work and away from here. It's a nice distraction.

I fell in to McSouthern's trap again. He always manages to find a way to lure me in. Then I get comfortable with him and then he changes things again. He has a habit of being all over me for a couple weeks and then not bothering me the next. It's getting old. I just want someone for me. Someone who adores me. Is that so much to ask?

I will not let him get me down. No sir!

It's My Party and I'll Cry if I Want To...

Today I'm hosting my very own pity party, complete with cussing, ranting, venting, mockery, sarcasm and childish tantrums. When I'm done, I will snap out of it. But now it's time to PARTY.

I suck. I suck at school work because I'm a lazy ass who puts my work off until the last minute, and then when the last minute rolls around I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off, trying to get everything done, doing it half-assed and wondering why I waited so long. Why did I wait so long anyway? Truth be told, I hate school. I work all day and I have a child. I resent having to take my free time reading stuff I don't want to read, and then writing papers about the shit that I don't want to read. I want to do other things....anything. Just not school work. Often times lately I thought, "what am I doing this for anyway?" The economy fucking sucks.....20 somethings fresh out of college can barely find jobs, what makes me think I'm going to be so special? Oh yeah plus I'm putting myself in more debt. Just what I need. But I can't stop now......well, I shouldn't anyway.

I suck at losing weight. I am working my ass off. I have been going to the gym every day, now switching it up until mornings. Up until this week, there was no way I could get out of bed to go to the gym. But thanks to my friend A, we have been motivating each other to wake up. So I'm burning tons of calories and I'm eating way better than I used to eat. Not perfect....but much, much better. I step on the scale this morning, I haven't lost anything this week. What the fuck? Yes there were a couple of times that I didn't do great, but it could have been worse. Yesterday I did eat more than usual, so I'm hoping that is why I didn't see a loss. This upcoming week I'm doing an experiment. I'm staying within a certain amount of calories, no junk and making sure I work out every day, just to see if I lose. If I don't, then I'm throwing my hands in the air and saying Fuck it! I will embrace my fatness and be happy eating what I want. Or fake being happy, either/or.

I'm hungry today and it won't go away. Not after the bowl of cereal I ate for breakfast, or the 1/2 cup pineapple I ate for snack, or the ham sandwich that I ate for lunch......an hour early......and I'm still hungry. I haven't been hungry like this in a while! I don't like it. It kind of hinders the whole weight loss thing. I'm annoyed. I want to eat what I want.

Needy Nate has calmed down on the texts and calls. In fact he left me alone for the most part the last two days, only sending me an email Tuesday night asking me how my day was and how my homework was coming. I also got an email this morning asking me if I'm ok. Am I ok???? Why? Because you didn't hear from me? What the fuck dude....you don't know me well enough to even care if I'm ok so what the fuck? I know I should type him an email letting him know I'm not in to this, I just have to think of what to say. Or just ignore, I don't know and don't care right now. He ruined it with his needy ways!!! I want to tell him to PISS OFF!
I will never again in my life suffocate someone via text & email.

One cool thing. Angelina Jolie and crew are here for the next couple of weeks shooting some scenes for a new movie she's doing called "Salt" They are doing car chase scenes on the bridges here right near where I work. The good part: I can see if from where I'm working. Bad part: My exit to get to work will be closed. Fun but what the fuck?

Oh one other thing......my bosses have had less meetings lately, which means they are here more. Which means I can't do whatever I want and have to pretend to be busy, look busy even when I'm not. I am lucky to have a job, yes. But fuck, sometimes I'm so bored I can't stand it.

Ok I'm done now.

Yeah, follow your instincts!

Let's see.....8 emails and 12 texts later (all ignored) I haven't talked to the new guy since the day before yesterday, and that was only a response to his text saying I was at work and couldn't text (which he responded by sending me FOUR more texts....sheesh!) So this was a really good experience for me. Because I know with McS I had some of the same tendencies. The big difference though is that we were in a relationship, where as I barely knew the new guy. But I remember times that I would call McS and if I didn't hear from him within the hour, I would call him again. And then again....and then maybe send him a couple of texts.

WTF....I really did that? I realize now how annoying as hell that must have been. Obviously if a person wanted to talk, they would return the call right? Anyway this was a real eye opener and I will never, ever do the things I've done again in any relationships. I'm sure I'll find some other way to annoy the one I'm with, but that won't be one of the ways. :)

So There's This Guy...

I recently started talking to a new guy. He's long distance (because I can never do anything simple like be with someone local who's emotionally available!) and I connected with him online. At first he kind of annoyed me because he would email me and then if he didn't hear from me within a few hours, he would email me back and ask if I was ok. Or he would apologize if he said anything to offend me. To me it felt like a bit much....but at the same time, didn't I want attention?

The other night I was in a mood and feeling kind of lonely, so I called him. He actually turned out to be very funny. We had a good conversation and the questions came up about our exes and why we were single. I told him about McS and he asked me if I was still in love with him. I lied and said no. But I still am. I'm ok with talking to other guys while I still feel something for him, because maybe I will find someone that will help me get over my feelings.

There are things about new guy that raise some red flags. What I just mentioned about him basically being up my ass, but also I get the feeling that he's someone that thinks a lot and maybe assumes things or comes up with scenarios as to why things are happening the way they are. Like he noticed that my emails to him usually came at the lunch or dinner hour and he wondered if maybe it was because I was really married and that was the only time I could get away to email him.

Huh?

Anyway so I'm keeping my eyes open with this one. If I'm seeing red flags now maybe that's a sign. Part of me wonders if it's just me. When I was with McS, there were times that he obviously didn't answer the phone because he didn't feel like talking to me. Or we would talk about getting together and he would always make a big deal about it, it was never yes. He always had to "see what was going on" in his life. These are the things that made me feel unwanted and honestly like I annoyed him. Now I'm getting the same type of feelings with new guy. When he texts me I look at the phone, see it's from him and honestly don't feel like texting him back. Or when he calls, sometimes I don't feel like picking up.

GASP! Is this what a normal person does? Maybe this is a good thing. Maybe this will teach me self control and that I can make myself unavailable (and at the same time, all that more appealing!!) and things will be ok.

I don't know, it's just weird being on this end of it. A good weird.

Other than that, I'm crazy busy finishing up my work for the semester that ends May 1st. I can't wait for it to be over!

Let's Play a Game called "Procrastination"

I like to play that game because apparently I'm good at it. Like right now....I should be doing homework since the semester is dangerously close to being over and I'm not even half way through some of the work for my classes. But instead I'm here, writing a blog about procrastinating, or on myspace which is boring anyway, or staring into space thinking about how much work I have to do. I'm kind of over the homework thing! I'll probably be cramming all weekend when it's gorgeous out. That will teach me (though probably not!)

I had my step class tonight and I am worn out again. I remember the days when I was much lighter and I was doing "double time" in class with the fancy moves that made it extra fun. Now I stick to the basics, watch the clock and suffer through the backache I get. Don't get me wrong, I still love it. It gives me an awesome workout and it's fun. It will just be more fun when I have less weight to hoist on and off the step repeatedly.

So between work, working out and mommying, I don't have much else going on right now. I'm excited to go to NH at the end of the month with my two girlfriends to see Bret Michaels again. We decided to get a hotel room instead of trying to make the 4 hour trip home afterwards. That will make it even better. I think I'm looking forward to the experience just as much as seeing that yummy man on stage.

I'm getting tired and distracted now. Maybe I have ADD. Anyway I have to go find something else besides homework to do.

Short but Sweet!

It's been too long since I've written! First I was avoiding coming here because I thought I should write about how McS did a complete turnaround, but then I was embarassed of myself because I let him in my life and I didn't really have any words for it. I do have words for it now but I'll have to try to write at work tomorrow because I'm crazy tired from working out, and I have homework to do.

It's crunch time again for school, the semester is ending in a month and I have a ton to do. I always wait until the last minute, I don't know why. Then the thought of school work consumes me. It's a vicious cycle!

My Second Chance!

My two girlfriends and I decided to take a road trip on May 1st to New Hampshire.....to see Bret Michaels again!! Does that qualify me as a groupie? LOL As good of an attitude I had about what happened with my stupid shoes the other night, inside I felt a little bit bummed. So I started surfing to see if he was playing close and NH is it. It's about a 3 hour drive so we're all taking the day off and making a road trip out of it. I'm excited!!

It's almost time to get out of work, thank goodness! Although today wasn't a long day. I'm looking forward to my step aerobics class tonight even though after last Tuesday's class, I was sore and weak for the rest of the week. LOL Still it's a lot of fun and I managed to get my friend another guest pass so she can suffer with me. :o)

It was confirmed today that we will not be getting our yearly increment raises at work. At least not the group I belong to (I work for the state). It was decided that in lieu of layoffs, we could do without them. Which I can understand, I guess. I have job security though, so a raise would have been nice. But I'm actually keeping a pretty good attitude about it. I mean I know what my salary is and what I can spend. It's not like I'll be making any LESS money, just the same amount. Then some day I'll get a big fat retroactive check and will be very happy. So while some people are ticked about it, I'm really not. Slightly disappointed but I'm handling it like a champ.

My Rock of Love....and Big John too!

Last night I went to see the Bret Michaels band at a local bar. It was the best and most disappointing experience! It was the best because it was Bret Michaels...hello! His show was awesome and he played some Poison songs and it was great to be able to be close enough to actually see him, his facial expressions and that sexy body gliding all over stage....LOL

It was also a great experience because I got to meet "Big John" from the show, he's Bret's road manager/body guard (I think) from the show. He was VERY COOL!

The show was awesome, the place was just big enough for a crowd but yet intimate affair. The people were cool, some were drunk and entertaining, some were young with stars in their eyes and some were older, dressing like they were younger and looking like groupies. It was all what I remember from back in the day!



It was disappointing because I'm the idiot that wore the wrong shoes. First I'll say that I thought the doors opened at 6:30 or 7:00. So we got there around 6:00 and stood in the line, waiting to get in. They didn't actually open the doors until almost 8:00 which would have been ok, except it was windy and freezing. I didn't mind that, I was excited and couldn't wait to get in and get the show started.



Then I realized there was another band opening up for Bret Michaels band, but it was cool because I got to see how close I would be to the man himself. I was pretty damn close....if there were rows, I would have been 4th row.



Not too shabby for $37. The problem was, as they made us wait for the band to start, my feet started hurting. They got worse by the second. So when the opening act was playing, I started to feel like my feet were going to catch on fire. Actually I was waiting for them to go numb so I could actually enjoy the show. But they never did go numb. The band played on and on....and on. Then I was actually getting irritated that they were going on so long, but that stemmed from the intense pain. The band FINALLY ends and I thought, cool. When Bret Micahels goes on I will forget all about my suffering and have a good time.


So they cleared the stage and started setting up for him and then some guy comes on and announces that it will be another 20 minutes before Bret comes on. At that very moment, a wave of nausea overtook me. I think it was either the pain or the fact that everyone started crowding in and pushing up against everyone to get closer. I was basically getting ass raped. Right at that moment, I knew I couldn't wait 20 minutes, much less the whole show. So I told my friend I had to go to the back and sit down. I told her to stay up there, I did not want her to miss out on that experience on the account of my foolish wardrobe choices!

I started to feel a little bit bummed but I decided to stay positive about it. I was still there to see my man and I was determined to have a good time, so I did. I had a couple of beers, sang along with all the songs and really enjoyed myself.


I will never ever wear boots of any kind again when going to a show. I thought wearing sneakers would look silly but many people did (except for the ones who dressed as though they had a date with Bret Michaels after the show! LOL) and that's what I'm going to do. This morning I feel like part of me gipped myself of the experience. So I got online to see if they were playing anywhere close again. I see that they are in NH on May 1st. I looked up the driving directions and that's only a few hours away. I'm thinking ROAD TRIP!! :O)

And the Survey Says....

I'm bored, fighting sleep and haven't written in my blog today. Since I haven't done much of anything today, I decided to do a survey thingy from myspace.

How much older is the person you're currently interested in?
8 years older

Has anyone said they love you in the last week?
My son and my dad.....do they count?

Do you usually have weird dreams?
Every once in a while. I had one last week and I wonder about it's meaning.

Who do you have texts from in your inbox?
friends

Do you think that someone is thinking about you right now?
I don't think so.

Have you ever made anyone cry?
Yes, it's been a long time though.

How long do you have until your birthday?
4 months & 3 days

Who did you last talk to in person?
The lady at Fashion Bug

Will the next person you kiss be the same person you last kissed?
I have no idea, part of me wishes yes

Do you want your tongue pierced?
Ouch! No...

Are there any bruises on your body?
Yes there's one on my butt from when I had to park so close to the next car at the gym and had to squeeze between the cars to get out. LOL

Last awkward moment?
When my card got declined at Fashion Bug earlier tonight!

How late did you stay up last night?
Probably around 12:30 or so

Do you know anyone who has been arrested?
yes

When did you last cry?
Earlier today

How are you feeling?
Bored and a little lonely

If you look straight ahead past your computer screen, what do see?
The TV

Do you want someone to call you right now?
Yes but that's not going to happen, it's pretty late.

Last person you had a deep conversation with?
Judith

Do you miss someone?
Always....

Do you like someone?
Unfortunately yes

Do you like hugs?
I love hugs!

Are you a loud person?
Not at all, I'm pretty calm and quiet

Have you ever been given a rose?o
Of course

Have you ever found it hard to tell anyone you like them?
Back when I was a teenager, but not now.

Last July who was the love of of your life?
McS

What is your worst subject in school?
Math

Would you rather have long or short hair?
I like it long

When was the last time you really laughed?
On the phone a little while ago

Have you ever had a best friend who was of the opposite sex?
Yes, many

Did the one person who hurt you the most recently apologized?
No, he's not one to apologize. He gives reasons for doing what he does but never says "I'm sorry"

Where is your ex right now?
I don't know, either out or sleeping

What do you currently hear right now?
The TV and my fingers on the keyboard

Who did you last tell a secret to?
Its been a long time since I've had any secrets, so I don't know

Do you still talk to the person you had fallen hardest for?
Yes

What does your hair look like right now?
Messy, since I've been laying down

Has anyone ever broken your heart?
Yes, very much so

Is there anyone you trust 100%?
Yes, myself

Will your next kiss be a mistake?
No of my kisses are mistakes

Are you wearing any clothes that don’t belong to you?
No

Is the last person you hugged older than you?
No, I hugged my son last

Is there someone that you believe you will always be attracted to?
Yes unfortunately

What does the last text message in your inbox say, and who is it from?
"yeah but I could use the money too" from Amanda

Does anything hurt on your body right now?
My arms from doing weights 2 days ago

Do you wear your feelings all over your face?
Definitely

Who was the last person you cried in front of?
I don't remember.

Do you like your life?
Most parts of it

What are you most excited about?
Seeing Bret Michaels tomorrow night!

Have you told anyone you love them today?
My son

Do you believe that ex's can be friends?
Yes, depending on the people and the situation

Do people underestimate you?
I don't really know, maybe sometimes

Do you hate being alone?
Most of the time, no. Sometimes like Friday nights I do.

What is one thing you would love to happen tomorrow?
Meet Bret Michaels!

Do you have unlimited texting?
Yes

Does anyone call you babe?
Sometimes McS when we he gets off the phone

Did you kiss or hug anyone today?
Just my son....wasn't this question already asked?

Do you want someone back in your life?
Yes very much

Do you think you will be in a relationship three months from now?
No

Do you find it in your heart to forgive?
Yes, I'm better at forgiving than forgetting though

Do you believe in karma?100%

Name 5 things that are within your reach?
cell phonehome, remote, notebook, credit cards, wallet

Do you have a teddy bear?
Not anymore

When was the last time you consumed alcohol?
A few weeks ago.

*I am sleep now. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED*

Can I Borrow Someone's Boot?

I'm still sore today. But I'll take this kind of sore for being overweight any day. I'm also in a funk today. I was fooling around with the camera the other night and took some pictures. Looking at those pictures reminded me that I need to keep working out and really focus on eating better. Today I'm afraid that I will never lose weight. I am afraid of that because sometimes when I'm done with lunch and I realize I am not satisfied and could eat more, that is a depressing thought. Also my night time snacking, while better than it was before, has not stopped. It doesn't happen every night anymore, but it happened last night.

Oh and what's with the fact that I came home from dinner at my dad's with three stuffed shells as leftovers and decided that I needed to eat them last night to finish them up so I won't have to deal with counting the calories on them another day? Why couldn't I just throw them out? Or save them for another meal? Because I didn't want to. I find creative (and sometimes not-so-creative) excuses not to do what I'm supposed to do. Then I end up feeling bad about it. I've been working my ass off at the gym, for what? To maintain. If I'm going to work out so much, I want to see results from it dammit! I'm pissed off at myself that I'm doing all this work just to make up for what I've eaten. I need to give myself a good swift kick in the pants.

No Pain, No Gain

Step aerobiccs + extra pounds + 24 hours = PAIN. I don't mind this kind of pain though because I know I'm benefitting from it. But boy am I sore since last night. Getting up from the couch or my chair at work today after sitting for long periods proved to be painful! I loved the class though. I did great with the choreography....all the moves I once knew came back to me. But my legs and back were killing me so I didn't enjoy it to the fullest but I had fun. I'm doing it again next week. I'm also proud of myself for working out today despite my pain and the fact that I went to bed at 2:30 a.m. last night. I don't know why I torture myself like that!

This is going to be a shortie....I'm beat and making it an early night.

She's a maniac, maniac on the run...

Last night I was in a real funk. I was feeling kind of down. I inadvertently found out that McS "might" be talking to someone....someone that is not his girlfriend but that is also long distance. That put me in a real funk because I realize that even if he didn't have his girlfriend (which I'm not sure that has one. There's no way for me to know because I refuse to ask. I don't want to ask because it's not my business and whenever I get inquisitive I usually either end up in trouble, getting an answer that I don't want, or just hurt. Anyway so things just seem to point to the fact that he's talking to someone else and I got mad. But I was a good girl and didn't reach out to him....no calls or texts. I just kept it to myself. Mainly because I have no right to say anything, but also I don't know if it's true or not. If I call him out on it. he could prove me wrong so easily and then it looks like I'm the bad guy who's checking up on him.

So I cursed him to myself, I told myself that I hated him. I wrote in my personal journal and I told it that I never wanted to speak to him again. And I was ok with that. I figured my life would be better. I didn't shed a single tear. Then late last night he calls me and I don't say a word. I act like everything is great. Then we have a good talk, everything is pleasant and I hang up the phone loving him again. W T F? What is wrong with me, seriously? In all of my life, I've never been so attached to a person. Even the guy years ago that wanted to marry me. Before McS, he was the love of my life. But when that ended, yes it was hard and took some time. But I got over it. I'm not getting over this and I don't fucking know why. I actually irritate myself sometimes. What is it going to take? The guy basically dumped me for another woman. And he might be talking to someone else. So what does he have to do? Smack me around to get me to leave this alone? Ugh. Seriously, I'm getting annoyed with myself and frustrated that I can't get myself to kick him out of my life!

Other than my frustration I am actually good today. Sadly, I attribute some of that to last night's conversation. But I'm also looking forward to a step aerobics class tonight. I joined another gym (now I have two memberships, crazy me!) and now I get to do classes which will leave me gagging and gasping for air by mid-class. Gagging + gasping = great workout = weight loss. Woo Hoo!

Minor setbacks

I stumbled across the journal that I kept for my Women's Journals and Diaries class that I took last year. I made the mistake of reading through it. It took me back to the time last year in the couple of months before things went sour with McS. There were so many entries where I talked about us having a fight or about him being distant. I even questioned in there if he had found someone else. He did of course, I should have known. But even then he denied that it was anything serious and he didn't want to "rule me out" as he put it.

Sigh. It made me feel kind of bad after I read it and I did what I normally do and crawled under my covers to take a nap. I was tired anyway. But fortunately my silly cat kept me awake and so I snapped out of my funk, took a shower and feel much better now. I can't change what happened, I can only change how I handle things NOW. So, I guess that's a nice reality for me. But I won't be reading anymore journal entries any time soon. :o)

Zzzzz

Today was a pretty low-key day, not that I mind. I had the day off which was great! I like to tell myself that I earned it since I've been alone in the office most of the month. My intention was to get out today and do fun things with my son since he had the day off too. But it turned in to a morning of errands, then I took him to lunch and by the time I was done stuffing myself (ugh) the effects of sleeping only a few hours last night caught up with me. I took a long afternoon nap and chilled the rest of the day. Now I'm tired again and as much as I love staying up all hours of the night I think I'm going to turn in early tonight.

So even though I have nothing new or interesting to report but I have to say life is GOOD!

An Old Flame...

An old flame is coming to town next weekend....and his name is Bret Michaels. Ok, so he's a fantasy flame. Shut up! I'm entitled to dream. After suffering a little bit of disappointment earlier this week when I decided I will NOT be paying $129.00 + tax to see Cheap Trick, Poison and Def Leppard this summer, I learned today that Bret Michaels and his other band will coming next weekend and I will only have to pay $35.00 to see my hunka hunka burning love. I didn't want to see Cheap Trick or Def Leppard anyway, so there! I'm waiting to hear if a friend of mine can go with me but if she can't, I am more than willing and happy to enjoy the show on my own. I would not miss this for the world plus I'm still really focused on ME and doing things to make me feel good and happy.

Anyway, Poison and I go way back. Back to 1988 I believe, when they were one of the hottest and prettiest glam bands around. I did not fall in love with Bret Michaels at that time though. He was too pretty for me and I didn't want to look like the guy in my relationship. But after he wiped off most of his make up and washed out a majority of hairspray, that is when I fell in love. Plus I've always loved their music and I later proved that I would do almost anything to see them. Twice in one week during college in 1990, my two friends and I traveled across the state to attend their concerts....without any money or tickets. If memory serves me correctly, we either won tickets or bought them for the first show in Syracuse. We had enough for a tank of gas to get us there and back. We had an awesome time at the show and came back to the dorms feeling like we were on top of the world. I could have sworn too that Bret was looking at me when he sang. He did, he really did! LOL

We learned that Poison was playing a few days later even further out west in Buffalo. I convinced my friends that we needed to go again. I begged, pleaded, cried and chanted "Poison! Poison!" and I finally got my way. With no money or tickets, we headed out on what was supposed to be a 4 hour trip. My friend wrote a check to fill up the tank with gas, we got some snacks and off we went. Several wrong turns and SEVEN hours later we finally made it. We get up to the ticket counter to buy our tickets.....with a check.....and were told they don't accept checks. I think we got the deer-in-headlights look before we started begging unsuccessfully.

We left the ticket area, defeated. But not completely. My friend had the idea that we should go around to the back of the building where she thought the tour bus would pull in, so we did. Nobody was there so we waited. Then a few other people showed up and finally the tour bus showed up. The band gets off the bus and my friend starts screaming to them that they wouldn't let us in to the show and could they help us. They motioned for us to come closer and she took off running toward them. My friend and were embarassed and afraid so we stayed behind the gates. My other friend comes back a few moments later and told us we were "in"! Oh the joy! CC DeVille told us to wait there and they will get us in. About an hour goes by and by then we thought he had played a cruel joke on us. But we were determined to see them so we waited. Finally one of the backstage managers got us and told us to come with them. He brought us to our seats which were on the side of the stage, but close. (I learned later that were seated in the slut/groupie section, but was so thankful we didn't have to perform any favors for getting in to the show LOL) It was awesome! We even met Bret afterwards at his bus where he was signing autographs. I wanted to take him right there and make babies with him. Sigh.

One other glorious moment was when I was the "Win a Phone Call from Poison" contest in Metal Edge magazine. When entering the contest, it asked me who I would want to call me if I won. I put down Bret Michaels (duh!) Months later, I learned that I won! Even more months later I got the call from their manager who told me Bret would not be able to call me, but Rikki Rocket would. I was bummed but excited anyway. Rikki talked to me for a good 20 minutes or so and I was able to wrangle more concert tickets from him for that summer. We met him and I met Bret again and I've been in love ever since. Even through their breakups and hiatuses I never forgot them.

I'm no longer really a fan of rock and roll.....but Poison will be my favorite band forever and ever! I can't wait until next weekend!

R.I.P.

There are those moments in life that can snap you back in to reality. It's what you do with those moments that matter. As much as I've been stressing out over my son not doing what he is supposed to do in school (which is still a big deal) and then not being on the track team like I asked him to, a shocking thing happened which jerked me back in to reality.

A 17 year old boy that my son played baseball with for two years died this past weekend. He went in to the hospital with pneumonia last week and while he was there, he contracted a form of staph infection and died. It's shocking and devastating. Not that any type of death is easier to deal with, but it's just so out there and tragic and I can't even begin to imagine what his parents are going through right now. I can't imagine what it would be like to have my child here one day and gone the next.....or the confusion and rage they feel over something so senseless and avoidable.

One of my biggest fears is something happening to my son. So if he doesn't want to be on the track team, doesn't want to clean his room, plays too many video games, doesn't clean up after himself or sometimes acts like the laziest kid I know....I have to remember that he is still here. Most of the other stuff doesn't matter. It's easy to get caught up in life and forget these little reminders but I'm going to try like hell not to. I gave my boy extra hugs today and thank God I have the opportunity to do that.

R.I.P. Kyle Gagnon.....you are missed by many.

Oh the Memories...

Oh the memories

I went to my friends house on Friday night. She had been promising me for months to dig out this notebook that we used to write in during our business class in high school. I actually remember those days. It started out with me writing her a 'poem'.....at least she thought it was and that I had to inform her sadly that I wrote the lyrics to the "Golden Girls" (LMAO)

Thank you for being a friend
Travel down the road and back again
Your heart is true
Your a pal and a confidante

And if you threw a party
Invited everyone you knew
You would see
The biggest gift would be from me
And the card attached would say...
Thank you for being a friend

Looking back at the stuff I realize I was as much of a character then as I was now. Sometimes I don't give myself enough credit. I have a great personality and an awesome sense of humor! How could anyone NOT love me? ;o)

This weekend was busy. Saturday I worked out with my friend. Then later in the day I went to the mall to look for a new laptop. I was set on getting a mini laptop until I realized that the cost of that plus an external CD/DVD drive that I need, would equal the cost of a laptop they had on sale. So I walked out with a $430 Compaq and I love it! When I get some extra money I'll get my other one cleaned up and give one of the two to my son. After that I went and had dinner by myself at Sbarro's while I waited for the movie "He's Not That Into You" It was really cute! Some of it was a little far fetched.....like portraying the idea that women sit there and stare at the phone, waiting for the guy to fall. Do women really do that? Because I think I take the cake as far as being available (not a good thing!) for a guy but I never sit and stare at the phone. LOL But over all it was really cute. I also realized that I doing dinner and movies by myself sometimes!

Sunday was a total lazy day. I had every intention of going out, but I had one of my dark days and instead of fighting it, I just stayed in and did stuff around the house.

I've been doing good with working out, terrible with eating. Why can't I have both at the same time? I desperately want to lose weight but right now all I'm doing is maintaining. GRRRRRR

Parenthood

I've been a parent for almost 16 years and honestly it's been easy. My son never gave me any problems, even as a baby. He never went through terrible 2's or gave me attitude about anything. Even now, he's really good for the most part.

However....

I don't think I've known a more lazy kid in my life. He does not want to do anything but watch TV and play video games. He is a quiet kid, very likeable and has plenty of friends at school. But that's where it ends. He never has friends over and doesn't really care to. He is painfully shy when it comes to meeting new people. He hates entering new situations because he feels embarassed. I sooooo remember being embarassed as a teen, but not that bad.

He tried out for the JV team this year but did not make it because there were so many kids trying out. Because of his anti-social behavior, I told him he has to try for another sport or a club. The only other sport is track, and they don't cut anyone. He was adamantly against it. I told him to at least check it out, and one of his friends on the team will even bring him to the coach. Do you think he could have done that? No. Then on top of that, he gives me attitude about it!

He's such a good kid, but I am beginning to see that my days are easy parenting may be coming to an end.

I'll take an order of Excitement to go, please...

Another one of my new goals is not to mention a certain person in this blog anymore. At least not until I can do so without caring. Now it's going to be all about ME.

Today was a long day to get through. Just feeling mopey but doing ok with it. I brought my gym clothes with me and I'll be meeting my friend after work. I already can't wait to get that over with, but I know I will feel great that I did it. I'm toying with the idea of having a 2nd gym membership. My current gym does not have any classes and I really miss doing step aerobics. There's another gym that I could join and I would be paying $19.99 for each. I wouldn't give up my current membership because that is where my friend belongs and I will still like the option of going with her. I have to think about it more though. I need variety in my workouts. I figure a few days a week on the machines and a few doing classes would be perfect!

I need more excitement in my life. There has to be something more than getting up, going to work, working out, coming home and being a mom and watching TV. I would love to plan a trip, even a weekend trip with my son. But I don't really have the money. I desperately need a new car by the end of the year and all the money I have in savings will go to that.....if I don't keep dipping in to it, that is. I'm going to do some research and see what I can come up with.

Second Job

Since my newfound dedication to MYSELF...I'm realizing it's like a second job. It actually takes effort to think about my own needs, and staying positive and not dwelling on what's wrong. But I think so far I'm doing ok.

I do wake up in the morning and I think about McS. Yesterday morning I awoke from dreaming all night about him. They were intimate dreams too...ugh...and seemed very 'real'. I never have dreams like that.....I wonder why now? Am I being tested? GRRRR

This morning again I thought about him and it wasn't easy to shift the focus so I sat down and drafted an email.....but I'm not going to send it. Go me! I don't want to be the person anymore that shares every single thing I am thinking. That's what got me in to trouble sometimes. So just because I have feelings, it doesn't mean I have to share them. I want to be like a guy, darnit. LOL!

Yesterday I got out of the house for the day. I had coffee in the morning and then started feeling like I was getting too comfortable being lazy, so I put my workout clothes on and headed to the gym. I came home and took a shower and my son and I went to the movies. We went to see "Last House on the Left" which was good, but I did not expect it to be so gory and graphic. I didn't know much about the movie but I thought it was more of a horror film. It wasn't and I must admit some of the content kind of embarassed me as I was sitting next to my son. LOL But we had a good time. We walked the mall after and then I relaxed the rest of the day.

Getting out and doing things is such a good way to take my mind off what's going on. So many times I have been at home on the weekends just doing stuff around the house but my mind was very active. I over thought things, I tended to focus on everything that was going wrong and it's just not healthy. I'm taking it day-by-day and hoping I can keep this up because I'm really liking the new me.

"Me" Overhaul

I've done a lot of self-reflecting lately due to some things that have been going on in my life. I've pondered why I put myself in situations that aren't good for me, and why I keep repeating the same mistakes over and over. I've come to the conclusion that I need to make some changes within myself in order to not only be happy and healthy, but also to get the things I want in life.

I've known for a long, long time that I have a low self esteem. Somewhere along the line I convinced myself that I am not good enough for any guy. Through that, I have managed to settle for far less than I deserve and have thought it was ok because at least I was getting a little bit of what I wanted.

But it's not ok. I deserve to love myself. I deserve to feel good about myself and to feel worthy of any man. I deserve to feel confident and to be treated right. I deserve to tell myself when something isn't good enough for me. I deserve to have someone give their all to me for a change. But I can't get any of those things unless I work on myself first.

So last night I developed a check list of things I need to do for myself to start to feel better. It's not necessarily in order except for the first one.

1. Diet/exercise - Work out at least 5 days/week. Stop obsessing about eating right and just eat what I know I should be eating. Don't eat for taste, eat to live.

2. Be positive - I tend to think negatively about a lot of things because it keeps me from being disappointed.

3. Stop agonizing over the things I cannot change/Let go of the past. Also included with this is to stop being the "victim" and crying about how I've been "wronged" in my past relationships. Bad things can happen to good people, time to get over it and learn from my mistakes!

4. Stop looking for trouble - when I'm in a relationship I tend to start looking for things to be wrong because that is all I have been used to. I need to stop doing that and live in the moment.

5. Give myself things to look forward to - big or small....movies, shopping trips, vacations, etc.

6. Start getting out more - with friends and by myself. It doesn't necessarily need to be a bar, just to be out doing things I like to do.

7. Pamper myself to feel pretty - hair, mani/pedi and maybe even treat myself to a massage sometimes. Spend the extra money on the good makeup and other things that make me feel good.

8. Be more outgoing - Only people close to me know the real me. When I'm around people I don't know, I tend to be more of a chill person and I like to listen and observe rather than talk. I need to talk more and show people my true personality.

9. Start realizing that I don't have to settle, I deserve to be treated right! I need to stop allowing myself to be in situations that I know aren't good for me.

10. Stop being so available. Whenever I'm in a relationship or being pursued by a guy I'm always available. I never thought it to be a problem because I like to talk to and spend time with the person I'm seeing. But I don't always have to be around. I don't always have to pick up the phone whenever they call. I hear all the time that guys like a challenge and I need to be confident enough to know that if I'm not around, they won't just move on to the next person.

11. Filter how much I give of myself. I tend to go all out in my relationships right away and I think that most guys end up taking me for granted, even if they don't mean to. I fall too quickly and a relationship works best when both parties are on the same page.

12. Church - it might sound crazy but I think somehow my life will be better if I focus a little more on my relationship with God. I won't promise myself to go to church every Sunday but I would like to start praying more and not just for selfish things. I also would like to start reading the bible. I've set a goal to read the bible I have at home now from cover to cover. Then maybe when I'm done with that, I would like to get another version.

So that's what I have come up with so far. I really want to do this for myself so I can live a better life.

Maybe I Was Hasty...

It wouldn't be the first time that I was hasty or made a rash judgement, and I'm sure it won't be the last. I laugh now about my "Bachelor" post the other night because I was so passionate about it, like I was the one that Jason broke up with on National television. LOL Hey what can I say, I love my shows...they are my entertainment. I'm also a pro at getting my heart broken, so I know what Melissa was going through.

But later on that night, I watched Jason's interview with Jimmy Kimmel and at first it was him saying the same old stuff. "I had to follow my heart" "I had to do what was right for me" "Melissa is a perfect girl, I hated hurting her". Blah, blah, blah. I didn't care about any of those things. I wanted to know WHY he did it in public. Finally Jimmy Kimmel asked that question. Why did you do it on national television? Jason's response was "I had to". While he didn't come right out and say that ABC made him do it, he did say that his relationships with all of the women were on television, and he had to do what he did on TV. So, I don't know if the whole thing was staged and he was never really going to be with Melissa, or if the producers of the show told Jason to break up with her on TV when they heard things going well. Either way I can understand better now and my anger (LOL) shouldn't be at Jason, it should be at the producers of the show. Talk about steeping to low levels just for ratings!! I don't know if I will watch the show anymore. Sure, I like drama......but if it's all a set up, what's the point of watching?

Anyway, enough of that rubbish. I was going to write more about what was going on in my life with McS, as things took a turn for the worst but I'm not going to go into. I'm dumb for trying to be friends with him after he broke my heart. I'm dumb for knowing he's selfish and accepting it. And now I have ruined things by being psycho to him and he isn't speaking to me and probably never will again. It hurts so much right now. I got drunk last night by myself. It made me feel relaxed, except I think I had one beer too many because I felt a tiny bit hungover. Tonight I will have one less. I don't know how people get drunk night after night, I don't think I could handle it. But I could really see how someone could become an alcoholic though. It makes pain more tolerable.

In the long run this is probably for the best. I just wish the "long run" would get here quick.

I'm so glad that I have tomorrow off and am leaving early today!! That does bring me happiness. I'm supposed to meet up with two friends I haven't seen in ages tomorrow. I hope I feel up for going. I've cancelled way too many times because of whatever was going on in my life at the time.

I know I need to make some changes and get myself together. It's taking the first step that is the hard part.

Jason Mesnick, you disappoint me!

I've started several other blogs in the last week or so but I have not had time to finish because I've been busy. Today, however, I will make the time to talk about the controversial final show of the Bachelor last night. I normally don't comment too much about shows. I save all that for discussions with my friends. But last night's show deserves comment.

First of all, let me start out by saying that I loved Jason Mesnick!! He seemed like a wonderful guy. He seemed perfect, which should have been a red flag to me in the beginning but I am known for ignoring red flags. Anyway Jason is handsome, funny, charming, sensitive and sweet. He has a really nice body, seems to be a wonderful father and he's one of the rare few guys that is able to put his heart on his sleeve and be real about what he wants without all the games.......or so that is what we were led to believe.

At the end of the final show, I still loved Jason Mesnick and he picked Melissa, asked her to marry him and it seemed like they would live happily ever after. Three short minutes later I was shocked, disgusted and proven to be horribly wrong. Jason brings poor Melissa on the after show only to tell her that the chemistry wasn't there between them anymore, and that for a few weeks prior, he had not been able to stop thinking about Molly, the girl he DIDN'T choose. Hm.

I had to put myself in check because right away I was bashing him silently in my head for breaking this girl's heart. Getting your heart broken is the worst feeling in the world, but really how can you blame someone for not being in love with you? You can't.

You can, however, blame them for how they handle a situation. Jason and Melissa spent some time together after the show. They even spent the holidays together. I gathered from what they said on the show that they talked on the phone and texted often since they couldn't be seen in public together. So during any of that time, do you think Jason maybe could have arranged for a secret visit to her or even called her up on the phone to tell her all this, instead of bringing her on National television to humiliate her? I guess that would be asking too much?

I realize this is a "reality" show and it was probably done for the ratings. But if that's the case, ABC really outdid themselves this time. It's one thing to have all these women putting themselves out there (and some making fools of themselves) to find love. It's another thing to publicly humiliate someone to get some ratings. Not only that, but what about the fans of the show? What about the people that took two hours out of their night every Monday to follow the story of the single dad from Seattle, WA who had his own heart broken by his ex-wife, and who was trying to find love? What a waste of time! Many people would say that watching a crappy show like this is a waste of time in itself, but whatever. People find entertainment in their own way.

I'm disgusted with what Jason did to Melissa. It was cruel, unnecessary and heartless. Maybe I'm naieve but I thought he was one of the good guys. Because let's face it,....these days finding a good guy that self-absorbed, selfish, dishonest or TAKEN isn't an easy task.. I guess Jason proves that to be true.

Tonight is part 2 of the "After the Rose" show and I'm not one to wish heart break on anyone, but I hope that Molly has dumped him since the taping. I hope he ends up being alone and unlucky in love. Then maybe he'll have some time to spend with himself figuring out how to actually treat a woman before going on National TV trying to find one.

I was reading an article today and I came across someone's blog and this person summed it up perfectly and it's exactly the way that I feel. (Except for the last one which I will paragraph which I will modify to fit my own life). These are the things that I believe to be true:

Tears don’t mean someone is sensitive. I tend to be very trusting of people and if they cry, I feel bad for them. When Jason cried I interpreted it as genuine concern for the women. Nope. Jason is just immature.

Editing can make someone into anyone. Then I started to think maybe Jason wasn’t that great all along. Maybe it was just really, really, really good editing.

I watch too much reality TV. I see it as entertainment, a way to relax after a day of work. But after last night I feel like it is a waste of my precsious life.

I am so blessed. I am blessed that any heartbreak I've ever gone through has been in the privacy of my own life. Not displayed on National TV for the entire world to see.

Oh and one last thing. Ty? If you are looking for a positive role model, please look further than your father.

There, I'm done venting. For now. :o)