What a boring title! I can’t think of anything clever or witty to write but I won’t beat myself up because it IS Monday morning. My weekend was great, although I didn’t see a single friend except for after work on Friday. I pretty much stuck close to the house. Friday after work I went to work out with my friend A. We focused on just cardio, so we did 40 minutes on the elliptical. We did the machine that I feel is harder for me, and I did the fat burning workout which was killer. It was great! After that I came home and took a shower and then finished up my homework that was due this week for my visual basic class. I like that class and my homework will go much quicker when I am more familiar with the program.
Saturday I didn’t do all that much but watch some shows that I taped. I also watched the movie “The Color Purple”. I have to read the book for another class I have, and although I’m reading the book right now, I like to see what the differences are between the book and the movie. I’m ashamed to admit that I never saw the movie before, even though it won all sorts of awards.
I was getting ready to go to sleep Saturday night around 1AM and I was getting ready for bed, when suddenly my phone rang. It was S. Honestly I was surprised he was calling me because he was out of town for a funeral, and I assumed he was spending the weekend there. But he had informed me that had arrived back in town an hour earlier. We talked for a while about some of his family that he hadn’t seen in a while. He talked about some childhood memories also, it was a good conversation.
Then he asked me if I talked to my “boyfriend”. I have to chuckle about that because I think it’s kind of cute that he gets jealous although I think it is only because he is having problems with his girlfriend, if they are even still together. I’m not sure about that. Anyway he asked me if I told my friend about him. I asked him what he meant. He said “well, did you tell him that I’m in love with you but I just don’t want to tell you?” I was stunned, but I recovered quickly. I said “No, I told him that you and I had a thing going but that ended when you went out and got yourself a girlfriend.” (Go me!) His comment was not lost on me though, even though I did not pay any attention to it. He’s done this stuff before. He thinks he’s losing me to someone else, and so he says what he has to say to keep me around. Do I think he’s in love with me? No. He told me he wasn’t a couple days after Christmas when I asked him if he was in love with me and his girlfriend. Do I think he has feelings for me? A little bit. I think he takes comfort in the fact that I am always here when he needs me, thinking the world of him and making him feel like the greatest man ever. But I do not think he’s in love with me, so I do not delude myself. It is nice to hear though. Then he went ahead and called me his baby and staking his claim on me telling me that nobody else can have me, we are joined at the hip, etc. Like I said it’s nice to hear, but I don’t particularly like being second choice. So if he and his girl are broken up, that’s all I am. I think deep down he knows what a great catch I am and he doesn’t want to lose that when his future is so uncertain.
Anyway enough of that. I did not work out Saturday or Sunday. I guess I was kind of “gearing up” for starting my diet this week, although that’s a lame excuse and I use that excuse every week. But I feel like this time is different. My knees hurt. I look terrible, I feel terrible. I want to lose this weight and I know I can do it…I’ve done it before. I really think if I just stick to my plan, I can do this. All I need to do is lose about 20 lbs to kick start it and that will give me even more motivation to keep going! I may post some “before” photos but I’m not sure yet. Oh and I won’t post my weight either until I’m comfortable with how much I’ve lost. Hey, some things have to remain sacred.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
I'm a liar
So I said earlier this year that I was going to write more blogs and so I'm a liar because I haven't written in over 2 weeks. I don't have any good excuses either. I had a break from school so it's not like I didn't have the time. I also haven't made it a habit of working out either. I can't include that I was with a nagging cold for a couple of weeks either because I found the time to play yahtzee online.
So, I'm a liar and this is why I don't make New Years resolutions.
Anyway since that is out of the way, I can get to business now. The first order of business is my diet. I've decided to try the Subway Diet. Don't laugh! Wait...who am I talking to? Nobody reads this but me. Ok self....don't laugh!!
When I say Subway diet, I don't mean skipping breakfast and eating a sandwich for lunch and dinner and that's it. (At least that is what I understand that Jared Fogle did) I mean I plan on having my usual Fiber One cereal for breakfast and then for lunch I'm going to get a footlong and eat half of it along with either a fruit or yogurt. For dinner I'll eat the other half and possibly something else like fruit or more veggies. I have a few reasons for doing this. Number one, I think I will spend less money on groceries especially since Subway offers the $5.00 footlongs. My other reason is that it's convenient and it will limit my calories. I'm going to be all about the convenience and cutting calories baby! I plan on trying to limit my intake to 1,500 per day and also incorporating working out in to my day, at least 5 days a week.
School started this week and I vow to keep up with it. Cramming in November and December last semester just about killed me mentally. I was also doing so good working out every day prior to that and then completely had to stop so that I could devote every waking moment to doing my school work. This time will be different, I promise myself!
TGIF!! Although I'm in a rotten mood today because once again I allow myself to be reeled in by S, just when I am starting to move on. Why do guys tell you exactly what you want to hear? And then when they get you, they don't treat you right? Better yet, why do women (me) allow it? *SIGH* More later.
So, I'm a liar and this is why I don't make New Years resolutions.
Anyway since that is out of the way, I can get to business now. The first order of business is my diet. I've decided to try the Subway Diet. Don't laugh! Wait...who am I talking to? Nobody reads this but me. Ok self....don't laugh!!
When I say Subway diet, I don't mean skipping breakfast and eating a sandwich for lunch and dinner and that's it. (At least that is what I understand that Jared Fogle did) I mean I plan on having my usual Fiber One cereal for breakfast and then for lunch I'm going to get a footlong and eat half of it along with either a fruit or yogurt. For dinner I'll eat the other half and possibly something else like fruit or more veggies. I have a few reasons for doing this. Number one, I think I will spend less money on groceries especially since Subway offers the $5.00 footlongs. My other reason is that it's convenient and it will limit my calories. I'm going to be all about the convenience and cutting calories baby! I plan on trying to limit my intake to 1,500 per day and also incorporating working out in to my day, at least 5 days a week.
School started this week and I vow to keep up with it. Cramming in November and December last semester just about killed me mentally. I was also doing so good working out every day prior to that and then completely had to stop so that I could devote every waking moment to doing my school work. This time will be different, I promise myself!
TGIF!! Although I'm in a rotten mood today because once again I allow myself to be reeled in by S, just when I am starting to move on. Why do guys tell you exactly what you want to hear? And then when they get you, they don't treat you right? Better yet, why do women (me) allow it? *SIGH* More later.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Make it stop!!
Snow. It's barely winter (technically) and I've already had three terrifying rides home from work. Tomorrow looks to be the same. We are getting another snow storm and I'm sick of this weather already!! My boss was talking all day about the storm, telling us not to "kill ourselves" to come in tomorrow. Yet when I say goodnight to him he said "have a safe drive in the morning". Huh? Sorry but if it's going to be freezing rain like they say, I'm not coming in. I'm riding in a death trap as it is, I don't need ice and snow to make it even more terrifying. Sheesh. As much as I don't want to go in to work sometimes, I would rather have the weather be dry and safe.
Thursday I'm going to meet with my son's guidance counselor and teachers. As usual, he is not doing well in school and it's mostly because of homework he's not doing, or losing. Sometimes I feel like I'm failing as a parent, but a parent can only do so much. I can only see and know what he shows me as far as what work needs to be done. We've been going through this since he was in 4th grade. Sometimes I wish they could come up with an alternate plan where he didn't have to do homework because he's not dumb, he's just lazy and forgetful. He's taking Algebra this year and they don't give them homework, his grade is in the 90's. It's just very frustrating as a parent to watch your child head for a life of financial struggles if he doesn't get his act together. So Thursday I meet up with them and figure out if there is something different we can do. I'm also going to look into a Votec program for him next year so at least he could learn some sort of trade or get a jump start on a career.
Man I feel old.
Thursday I'm going to meet with my son's guidance counselor and teachers. As usual, he is not doing well in school and it's mostly because of homework he's not doing, or losing. Sometimes I feel like I'm failing as a parent, but a parent can only do so much. I can only see and know what he shows me as far as what work needs to be done. We've been going through this since he was in 4th grade. Sometimes I wish they could come up with an alternate plan where he didn't have to do homework because he's not dumb, he's just lazy and forgetful. He's taking Algebra this year and they don't give them homework, his grade is in the 90's. It's just very frustrating as a parent to watch your child head for a life of financial struggles if he doesn't get his act together. So Thursday I meet up with them and figure out if there is something different we can do. I'm also going to look into a Votec program for him next year so at least he could learn some sort of trade or get a jump start on a career.
Man I feel old.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
The Best Intentions
I fell asleep early tonight, around 11:30 and then got woken up at around 1:45 by a phone call and needless to say I can't fall back to sleep. GRRRRRR Oh well that should make for a good nap later today.
I had a very frustrating day today. I start off with the best intentions, I really do. I tell myself that I'm ready to move on with my life and let the past go. I'm ready to let myself heal and move on from the person that has hurt me the most. It's something I want....no, it's something I need. But it never ends up that way because I'm weak, and he knows how to get to me. I'm not the type of person that can just cut someone off that I care about, without word or warning. So whenever I have these feelings that I need to move on, I feel the need to tell him rather than just disappearing without a word. I wouldn't want someone to do that to me.
So I told him today that I wanted to try and move on with my life and take time away so that I can feel better. I told him that some day I hoped we could be friends. I know he doesn't want to lose my friendship and so I thought if I let him know that it was a possibility some day it would make things better. S always says that I need to do what I need to do for myself and he doesn't want to see me hurting. In a way that's cool, I mean that's the right thing to say. Of course I feel a little hurt by that too because I wish it didn't turn out that way. But then when it comes time for me to move on, it never happens. It's hard for me to walk away and he doesn't make it easier either. He knows what to say and do to keep me around. He knows that in the moment all he has to do is cut the conversation short and then get back at me later that usually I'm too worn out and emotionally exhausted to argue with him calling me. Then we fall back in to the same pattern.
I'm just frustrated at myself. Why can't I be strong enough to back up what I say? He can't give me what I need right now and it's hurting me more to try to be his friend then it probably would to walk away and get my life back. But he is my best friend so I know that would be hard too. I have to find a way to do what I need to do for myself with the least possible pain. I'm mad at him for hurting me and finding someone to love when he couldn't bring himself to love me. I just want to move on.
Other than that (as if that's not enough) my day was ok. I relaxed since I had the day off. Tomorrow my son and I are going to my friend J's house for lunch. Her husband wants to play his new racing game with my son that he got or Christmas. LOL I don't get to see her that often since she moved about a half hour away so it will be fun. I also want to do some shopping for some household stuff with the gift cards I got from Target. Maybe Sunday I'll take the tree down so I can have my livingroom back in order.
That's about it for today. I need to try to get some sleep if I want to get up in a few hours to go to J's house. Will post more later or tomorrow.
I had a very frustrating day today. I start off with the best intentions, I really do. I tell myself that I'm ready to move on with my life and let the past go. I'm ready to let myself heal and move on from the person that has hurt me the most. It's something I want....no, it's something I need. But it never ends up that way because I'm weak, and he knows how to get to me. I'm not the type of person that can just cut someone off that I care about, without word or warning. So whenever I have these feelings that I need to move on, I feel the need to tell him rather than just disappearing without a word. I wouldn't want someone to do that to me.
So I told him today that I wanted to try and move on with my life and take time away so that I can feel better. I told him that some day I hoped we could be friends. I know he doesn't want to lose my friendship and so I thought if I let him know that it was a possibility some day it would make things better. S always says that I need to do what I need to do for myself and he doesn't want to see me hurting. In a way that's cool, I mean that's the right thing to say. Of course I feel a little hurt by that too because I wish it didn't turn out that way. But then when it comes time for me to move on, it never happens. It's hard for me to walk away and he doesn't make it easier either. He knows what to say and do to keep me around. He knows that in the moment all he has to do is cut the conversation short and then get back at me later that usually I'm too worn out and emotionally exhausted to argue with him calling me. Then we fall back in to the same pattern.
I'm just frustrated at myself. Why can't I be strong enough to back up what I say? He can't give me what I need right now and it's hurting me more to try to be his friend then it probably would to walk away and get my life back. But he is my best friend so I know that would be hard too. I have to find a way to do what I need to do for myself with the least possible pain. I'm mad at him for hurting me and finding someone to love when he couldn't bring himself to love me. I just want to move on.
Other than that (as if that's not enough) my day was ok. I relaxed since I had the day off. Tomorrow my son and I are going to my friend J's house for lunch. Her husband wants to play his new racing game with my son that he got or Christmas. LOL I don't get to see her that often since she moved about a half hour away so it will be fun. I also want to do some shopping for some household stuff with the gift cards I got from Target. Maybe Sunday I'll take the tree down so I can have my livingroom back in order.
That's about it for today. I need to try to get some sleep if I want to get up in a few hours to go to J's house. Will post more later or tomorrow.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Doubting Thomas
I started writing a post about what's going on in my head but I ended up erasing it because it's a new year and it's time to stop looking at the negative and focus on the positive. So what I will say is that I really need to find a way to stop looking for answers that I really don't want to begin with. I'm the type of person that I always want to know what's going on and sometimes I *think* I know but really I don't. This past year I've become a negative thinker too. I always assume the worst because that's what I have been used to getting.
My friend (I'll call him S)....calls me Doubting Thomas sometimes. I laugh, but it's true. But how is one supposed to feel when they are constantly getting disappointed and hurt? Obviously I'm talking about relationships and I am always used to being the one that gets hurt. It wasn't supposed to be that way with S though. It was supposed to be something healthy, real and good. And it was for a while. But in the end he ended up hurting me too. So that's why I am negative. But that's also what I would like to try to change this year. Because who would really be attracted to someone negative? If what I'm wanting more than anything is love, I need to change some things about myself so I can love myself first. That is what I'm going to try to do anyway.
Today I had a very relaxing day. I am almost afraid to say it was boring at times. I don't want to call it boring because I do love not being at work and having no commitments that will take me out of my house. (I'm a home body!) I suppose I could have taken down my tree but I didn't feel like doing that either. So I got my son and I breakfast this morning, then I came home and watched my Netflix movie "Bring it On: In it to Win" or something like that. To be honest, I haven't looked at my queue lately and so I didn't realize that was coming up. I made my queue months ago and put that one on there because the star, Ashley Benson, used to be on my favorite soap opera "Days of Our Lives". Anyway it was ok....typical of the other movies. Probably loved by tweens all across America. LOL
After that I took a two hour nap and that brought me to 5:00. Since then I've watched Biggest Loser re-runs and got McDonalds for dinner. Speaking of which......I have to stop this gorge fest. Actually I'm not gorging, I'm just eating all the wrong foods on purpose. I don't know if I'm sabotaging myself because of the holidays or if I'm just gearing up to start dieting on Monday. Excuses, excuses. Why wait until Monday? I don't know.....I know I'm ready to lose weight. I have to. So I shouldn't wait. Maybe tomorrow I'll hit the gym.
Well that's about it for now. Nothing exciting today. Tomorrow I have to drop off my rent check (yipee) and do my bills. I also have a target gift card that I got for Christmas so I think I'll go spend that. I may take my son to lunch, using another gift card to a local restaurant although after looking at their menu online, I think their food might be a little too fancy for his taste. So we'll see.
My friend (I'll call him S)....calls me Doubting Thomas sometimes. I laugh, but it's true. But how is one supposed to feel when they are constantly getting disappointed and hurt? Obviously I'm talking about relationships and I am always used to being the one that gets hurt. It wasn't supposed to be that way with S though. It was supposed to be something healthy, real and good. And it was for a while. But in the end he ended up hurting me too. So that's why I am negative. But that's also what I would like to try to change this year. Because who would really be attracted to someone negative? If what I'm wanting more than anything is love, I need to change some things about myself so I can love myself first. That is what I'm going to try to do anyway.
Today I had a very relaxing day. I am almost afraid to say it was boring at times. I don't want to call it boring because I do love not being at work and having no commitments that will take me out of my house. (I'm a home body!) I suppose I could have taken down my tree but I didn't feel like doing that either. So I got my son and I breakfast this morning, then I came home and watched my Netflix movie "Bring it On: In it to Win" or something like that. To be honest, I haven't looked at my queue lately and so I didn't realize that was coming up. I made my queue months ago and put that one on there because the star, Ashley Benson, used to be on my favorite soap opera "Days of Our Lives". Anyway it was ok....typical of the other movies. Probably loved by tweens all across America. LOL
After that I took a two hour nap and that brought me to 5:00. Since then I've watched Biggest Loser re-runs and got McDonalds for dinner. Speaking of which......I have to stop this gorge fest. Actually I'm not gorging, I'm just eating all the wrong foods on purpose. I don't know if I'm sabotaging myself because of the holidays or if I'm just gearing up to start dieting on Monday. Excuses, excuses. Why wait until Monday? I don't know.....I know I'm ready to lose weight. I have to. So I shouldn't wait. Maybe tomorrow I'll hit the gym.
Well that's about it for now. Nothing exciting today. Tomorrow I have to drop off my rent check (yipee) and do my bills. I also have a target gift card that I got for Christmas so I think I'll go spend that. I may take my son to lunch, using another gift card to a local restaurant although after looking at their menu online, I think their food might be a little too fancy for his taste. So we'll see.
My New Years "Intentions"
It's been a long time (too long) since I posted. I got a great idea from another blogger who indicated that she doesn't make new years resolutions, she makes intentions. I liked that idea because resolutions sounded too formal.....too uppity....too darn disappointing when broken. So I, too, am going to make some New Years Intentions this year. Here they are as follows:
1) Blog more - at least 4-5 times per week even if it's nothing interesting or a few lines.
2) Lose weight - eating right and exercising consistently is included with this
3) Leave the bad stuff from 2008 behind and focus on being more positive (will be challenging)
4) Do more "fun" things
So my first intention speaks for itself. Blog more. Simple concept.....so why is it so hard for me to be consistent with that? For a while I guess it was because I didn't have anything positive to write (will get to that more in a bit.....but looking at my last blog one would see why). Then I got really busy with the school work that I slacked off on all semester, therefore spending every free moment from November-December doing homework. So, no more of that. I will make time to at least write a little something as much as I can during the week.
My second intention also speaks for itself. I want to.....no, wait....I NEED to lose weight. I don't feel comfortable with myself and my body is telling me to get with it. Lately my knee has started hurting and I think it's from the extra weight. I was doing good with the gym for about a month there in November, and then cramming for school plus the holidays stopped me. I need to get back in to it again not only for health reasons but also because it made me feel good. Overall I was in a better mood and it actually helped me through one of the most difficult weeks of my life so far. So I need to do that.
Leaving the bad stuff behind. Well let's see....2008 consisted of meeting the love of my life and then losing the love of my life. But the worst part about losing him was that we both have not been able to let each other go. We have remained friends, although we still have more of a connection than just being friends. We have been unable to let each other go. Me for obvious reasons, I'm still (yes to this day) in love with him and he doesn't want to let me go for reasons I'm not sure of. I think I make him feel good and he doesn't want to lose that. We do have a connection....he's just in love with someone else. Although one could question (and I have in one huge fit of rage towards him) how can you be in love with someone but be talking to someone else that you have feelings for? Well that's complicated I guess and something I can't answer because I'm not in that situation. ANYWAY.....back to my intention. I would like to try not to focus on that anymore and focus on taking it for what it is and moving forward. There's been a lot of anger and tears the last six months, I'm ready to be at least content. I was happy being single once....I would like to feel that way again. Now, all this being said.....this will be my hardest intention to do. It's way easier said than done. Not that I'm a negative person...just emotional and I have a big heart. :o)
My last intention....doing more "fun" things. By that I mean doing more things I enjoy instead of just going to work and coming home during the week. There's nothing wrong with going to catch a movie during the week with my son, or meeting a friend for a drink after work or just doing something out of the ordinary and fun to break up the monotony of the week. I need to do that more, and I also need to give myself things to look forward to. Like a vacation, or a fun outing on the weekend.
These are my intentions.
1) Blog more - at least 4-5 times per week even if it's nothing interesting or a few lines.
2) Lose weight - eating right and exercising consistently is included with this
3) Leave the bad stuff from 2008 behind and focus on being more positive (will be challenging)
4) Do more "fun" things
So my first intention speaks for itself. Blog more. Simple concept.....so why is it so hard for me to be consistent with that? For a while I guess it was because I didn't have anything positive to write (will get to that more in a bit.....but looking at my last blog one would see why). Then I got really busy with the school work that I slacked off on all semester, therefore spending every free moment from November-December doing homework. So, no more of that. I will make time to at least write a little something as much as I can during the week.
My second intention also speaks for itself. I want to.....no, wait....I NEED to lose weight. I don't feel comfortable with myself and my body is telling me to get with it. Lately my knee has started hurting and I think it's from the extra weight. I was doing good with the gym for about a month there in November, and then cramming for school plus the holidays stopped me. I need to get back in to it again not only for health reasons but also because it made me feel good. Overall I was in a better mood and it actually helped me through one of the most difficult weeks of my life so far. So I need to do that.
Leaving the bad stuff behind. Well let's see....2008 consisted of meeting the love of my life and then losing the love of my life. But the worst part about losing him was that we both have not been able to let each other go. We have remained friends, although we still have more of a connection than just being friends. We have been unable to let each other go. Me for obvious reasons, I'm still (yes to this day) in love with him and he doesn't want to let me go for reasons I'm not sure of. I think I make him feel good and he doesn't want to lose that. We do have a connection....he's just in love with someone else. Although one could question (and I have in one huge fit of rage towards him) how can you be in love with someone but be talking to someone else that you have feelings for? Well that's complicated I guess and something I can't answer because I'm not in that situation. ANYWAY.....back to my intention. I would like to try not to focus on that anymore and focus on taking it for what it is and moving forward. There's been a lot of anger and tears the last six months, I'm ready to be at least content. I was happy being single once....I would like to feel that way again. Now, all this being said.....this will be my hardest intention to do. It's way easier said than done. Not that I'm a negative person...just emotional and I have a big heart. :o)
My last intention....doing more "fun" things. By that I mean doing more things I enjoy instead of just going to work and coming home during the week. There's nothing wrong with going to catch a movie during the week with my son, or meeting a friend for a drink after work or just doing something out of the ordinary and fun to break up the monotony of the week. I need to do that more, and I also need to give myself things to look forward to. Like a vacation, or a fun outing on the weekend.
These are my intentions.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)