Making A List (Checking it Twice!)

Some good and bad things have happened this week that I have been dealing with. The good....I am currently writing up a proposal to my boss to request (and justify) being put in a Traineeship (higher level, more money!!!) when he retires. It's been exciting because I think I have a really good chance at getting it. My proposal is kick ass and if I end up getting it I will finally be free of the secretarial role and in headed on actual career path. In doing that, I also realized that if this happens for me, I will be making my life here. I do have a life here now but I always figured that after my son graduates, if I chose to I could really go wherever I want. If I head down this road, I will be here at least another few years, maybe longer if I advance to the next level after the Traineeship, which will keep me here an additional few years at least. I have mixed feelings only because I never pictured staying here forever. But I really don't know where I would go at this point. So that part is exciting but also scary....I wonder if I would be happy here FOREVER.

The bad....boys. What's new, right? I think this time is different in the way that I truly am tired of the situation that I've been in for almost 3 years. Waiting for a guy that thinks only about himself and cares about me when it's convenient for him. I've made excuses for him, overlooked things, bit my tongue and I'm tired. I'm tired of being unhappy and untrusting. I feel like something has changed in me because for the first time I feel I have nothing to say to him. I'm not looking for attention, or looking to piss him off, or looking to hurt him the way he's hurt me. I just want to be left alone. I don't want to think about him or wonder what he's doing and I want to live my life in peace. Even if it's alone. The weird part is I think it helped that he's tried a few times to get in touch with me and I have not opened the lines of communication. At least I know that he tried, even if it's too late.

Tomorrow I want to start using Sparkpeople again to track my food and exercise to keep me on track. I can't keep using excuses (like good and bad things happening) as my reason for "falling off the wagon". I will never get to goal like this, and I desperately need to get moving in the right direction. I caught a peek of myself in my full length mirror tonight and am horrified that the fattyness in my legs is creeping down to the knee area...GROSS. I'm done with that too.

Reality Check!

When am I finally going to realize that some selfish people who think they are all that, are not worth my fucking time?

Pissed off.

Good eating during the day, bad dinner at dad's. (Bad but yummy). Life goes on, at least for now.

People can really suck sometimes

Onward and Upward

Overall I think I did ok this weekend with the eating. I kind of fell of the wagon a little bit last night but I got right back on. Over all I'm making better choices. I did zumba both days this weekend and both were incredibly vigorous workouts. I love them but it's tiring.

I also got myself new Puma workout shoes for the classes.




I think it's going to take me a few classes to get used to. I'm not used to wearing a shoe so flat when I work out. By the end of today's class my feet were a little sore. I hope it's just me getting used to them and not the shoe itself! I love the style though and that color blue is my favorite.

Here's to another week of eating right and working out!

Success!

I got on the scale this morning. 2 lbs lower than when I got on the other day! Woo Hooo! I hope it's real. It motivated me to go out in the heat this morning and do my zumba class. I haven't been to my favorite instructor in over a month. She kicked my butt. I loved it. I'm going tomorrow to my other favorite instructor (I can have two!) and look forward to a good whooping again.

Today I'm going out shopping because I can't think of anything better to do. I know, it's terrible. But my son doesn't like amusement parks, the closest water park is an hour away and frankly I'm not up for buying a bathing suit that I will rarely ever wear, plus covering my fat up. It's so hot out and I'm not naturally an outdoors person so shopping it is. First we'll stop at Ruby Tuesdays for lunch because they have a SALAD BAR. Heck I'm on a roll I might as well continue to be good.

Happy day!

A Good Kind of Pain

I'm wicked sore from my arm workout yesterday. But it's that good kind of pain...the one that makes me feel accomplished. I didn't work out today, my plan is to go tomorrow. I'm trying to decide whether or not to do legs tomorrow, or wait and do a chisel class before zumba. I know zumba is going to kill me though, so do I really want to be tired by the time my favorite fun class comes around?

Eating was ok until dinner. I didn't feel like going to the store again, so I made a hot dog and some onion rings. Sigh. I need to stop ruining a good day with a bad meal.

Other than that, nothing much going on here. New guy keeps texting me. But I know he wants a booty call and I think he has a girlfriend so I'm not going there. He is so hot though. Maybe one day we will meet up. But I'm not ready for that right now. He's working hard though...usuallly he comes and goes but he's putting in full effort to stay in touch. Does he really want it that bad?

Going good!

Quick blog before work. I consider yesterday to be successful. I went to the gym after work even though I did not feel like it. I asked myself, what would I be doing during that hour if I wasn't at the gym? I would probably be sitting and watching TV or on the computer. So I went and I'm proud of me. Eating was good although I was going to have my hamburger plain last night without a roll but I didn't. I would like to avoid carbs at night and stick to meat and vegetables. We'll see if that happens.

I stepped on the scale today for the first time in a while. NOT GOOD. But motivating enough to keep going.

Back on Track

Since I last posted I had decided to make an effort to get out a little more to do different things. So far so good! Not so much on the "new" things, but I'm working on that. But I went out a couple of times with a couple of good friends that I hadn't seen in a while. I'm making more of an effort to not let life get in the way of spending time with people I enjoy. And you know what? It reminded me that everyone has issues in life. Actually my life seems pretty peaceful and serene compared to some of my friends lives. So I should be blessed and not sit around feeling sorry for myself. I feel good!

This is also Day 4 of getting some kind of work out in. I took too long of a break but I started out slow and did some WATP DVD's that I have here. One of them I bought months ago and never even opened - shame on me! Today I went back to the gym and did Zumba. The whole routine was fast paced, the instructor killed me (I love Judi!) and I loved it. I think I will finally get a good night sleep too because that workout wore me out and I'm exhausted. Yay!!

What the Shell?

I was sitting here tonight and something occurred to me. I live an empty shell of a life. I don't do anything exciting or interesting during any given week. I do the same thing over and over, day after day. I get up, go to work, work out (if I am motivated enough), come home to be a mother and putter around the house, play games on the computer and go to bed. When school is in session, I do homework. That's pretty much it. I've kind of lost touch with a couple of friends that I used to communicate with and hang out with a lot, so I really don't get a lot of phone calls either. I sit back and wonder how did it get like this? How did I let it get like this?

I want to do interesting and fun things. I just don't know what yet. I want to get out of my comfort zone and try new things. I want to keep myself busy in order to keep my mind busy. Because when my mind isn't busy, it tends to stress me out thinking about things I shouldn't be thinking about.

I don't know what I last blogged about concerning Scott, but we aren't talking....again. I pissed him off, he pissed me off and then I said mean things. And maybe only 5 of me is sorry. The rest of me isn't. I'm tired of being treated like I'm a piece of shit. I'm here whenever it's convenient for him and I know I'm not perfect, but I deserve more than that in life. As a result of that last argument, we haven't spoken in a couple days. But even before that we hadn't really talked in 4 days. I sit here and wonder why I am not worth the fight to him. And folks, that is why I need to keep my mind busy. I need to worry about myself, not him or what he's feeling. It should be all about me since the first 3 years were all about him and that didn't work out too well.

It sucks when you know something is best for you, but you still feel sad. Blah.

Diet/Exercise? Non-exisistant. Blah again.

Feeling HOT HOT HOT!

Today is the last day of my four day weekend. Blah. I could seriously get used to not working. But actually it will be nice to be in the A/C tomorrow! It has been wicked hot here since the end of last week. I can't say that I like sitting here dripping with sweat without exerting even a little energy, but at the same time I won't complain because I live in the Northeast and we get a lot of snow. I hate snow. So I'll take this wretched heat any day. God bless those that have to work outside in it!

This weekend was ok. I went to the Baseball hall of fame with my son. I think he enjoyed himself although I think he likes the current players more than reading about the history. He's a big Yankee fan....of course! (Who isn't? HAHA)



The 4th was ok too. I went to a BBQ at my dad's house. There was a 10 month old baby there. I watched her from time to time while they got food ready. I forgot how much work it is! But I love babies. Sometimes I wish my son was still a baby....but I like this age too. LOL

My diet has sucked. Wait, let me rephrase that. There's been NO diet. I'm on the eat what I want plan, and it's not working too well for me. I have to change.

Shut the Front Door

I was sitting here earlier thinking earlier what is the point of me even doing this blog when I don't share what's really going on with my life? If I'm doing this for the public...which nobody reads this now anyway....then I feel like I'm ripping them off. If I do this for myself for future reference or memoirs, then I'm ripping myself off. Do I write everything here, or do I continue to share cryptic thoughts?

I don't really know the answer to that question now. I feel like I want to write everything, but sometimes I don't want to hash it out and relive it. To me writing a blog about flowers and rainbows when I'm feeling low is fake bullshit.

That being said, I'm having a shitty day which will probably lead in to more shitty days. The most major dilemma in my life has to do with a boy, of course. A boy (man) that I've loved for almost 3 years. A boy that has done nothing to deserve me but who I keep giving chances to but my chances have run out. I need to be strong and stay away. I need to mourn and move on because I can't keep giving myself to someone that has nothing to give back. Why do I love someone that doesn't have love to give? I don't know. But I feel like crap and the ending. I feel like crap thinking that I may get so weak and allow myself fall back into the same toxic vicious circle of emotions and disappointment.

There, I did it.

On another note, I'm watching "Bethenny Getting Married?" and I have to say she's hilarious. The line of the entire show so far has to do with her assistant picking out her outfit for her getaway weekend, including the bra and underwear. He finds the pair of underwear in her drawer that she requested it, and pulled it out with two fingers, as though were contaminated with disease and germs. She says "You can pick them up, my vagina's not still in them. They're clean." She said it with a straight face too. She rocks.

Fitness and Diet? Not so much today.