My Lips Are Sealed

Repitition

2010-10-25T23:04:00.002-04:00

I haven't been blogging here much. Not that I'm not trying to be healthy and work out because I am. I have just been focused on other things like school and my son. But mostly angry at myself for repeating the same cycle every week of eating good during the week and then messing it all up on the weekends. So I avoid blogging. Probably the wrong move, I need to be more accountable. This has just been a stressful couple of months. One of these days I'll stick to plan, lost another 5 lbs and then there will be no stopping me.

Progress?

2010-10-15T02:39:00.002-04:00

I haven't been here in a while. I've been so busy with school and my son's senior year and working out, it's been crazy. I'm on a good roll this week, having worked out every day so far. Tomorrow I will take the day off and go to my son's homecoming game. Saturday will be a challenge as far as the eating because I have a party to attend. My thought is that I will try to eat before hand so I won't be tempted to indulge at the party. At least that's my plan now. My ultimate goal for this week is to NOT undo all my efforts of the week by splurging on the weekends. That's what I've done for the last couple years, and I hope this time it really sinks in.

New theme

2010-09-07T00:49:00.002-04:00

I decided to make this blog strictly about my weight loss journey, since I always seem to be on that journey I think it would help to have a blog strictly devoted to that, including highs and lows and which things work and what doesn't. I think it will help it I journal things so I can see what I'm doing right and wrong.

My step mom got me a book that she picked up at a garage sale called "3-Hour Diet" by Jorge Cruise. I picked it up right away and started reading it, and the concept is pretty similar to what I follow....when I'm on track. More importantly I learned the technical reasons why it's not good to wait longer than 3 hours to eat and what actually happens when you skip a meal and wait longer than you should. During the week I typically eat every three hours anyway, so I don't think that will be a problem. Weekends are hard for me, so I will have to prepare for them accordingly.

Onward and upward!

Supporting a Friend

2010-09-05T01:40:00.003-04:00

I was recently faced with a predicament that I wasn't sure what I should do about. A friend of mine is married and based on what I know, I don't like the way her husband treats her at all. She puts up with emotional and verbal abuse, his laziness and refusal to get a job, she shoulders all of the bills and any left over spending money while he comes up with reasons and excuses not to work, there's a big possibility of him cheating, he lacks comprehension about how serious the situation is, and is just downright disrespecting my friend. I try not go judge this person because I'm no saint and I don't know what goes on in the minds of others. Some of the things I can understand, having seen people lose their jobs and have a tough time getting motivated to back to work again. Other things I don't understand, like emotionally wearing down the one person that puts a roof over your head and food in your mouth. Every time I hear of something else he's said or done, another part of me dislikes him.

When she invited me to his birthday BBQ that was scheduled today, I originally said yes. But the more stories I hear on a daily basis, the more I started thinking....why do I want to go and celebrate HIM? So he turned another year older....big deal. He advanced in age and went backwards in maturity. Big flipping deal! I told my friend last week that I didn't feel like celebrating him and she told me I should look at it like a chance to hang out with her. Which is true.

But I couldn't bring myself to go. Especially knowing that he invited two of the ho's that he may have cheated with. I think I disappointed my friend though, I know she wanted me there. And late last week I revealed my feelings to her that I was probably not attending based on how he treats her, which I think in turn made her not want to confide in me much about it anymore. She said she didn't want to put anymore negative thoughts about him in my head. I assured her that was not the case, I am simply reacting to the things she's telling me. So I don't think she'll be talking to me about him very much anymore.

How do I feel about that? I think she's missing the point. She condones his behavior so it's partly her fault and then makes excuses for it and states that he claims he's going to change and things will get better - which they never.

So I struggle with the idea of supporting her in these type of situations, or being honest with her about not wanting to be around him. I'm a pretty firm believer in honestly so I hope that she can see that my support comes in a different shape, but I am there for her regardless.

Head Games

2010-09-03T01:09:00.002-04:00

Why is it when you eat healthy for a couple of days you suddenly feel thinner but then get jerked back in to reality when you realize the scale has barely moved yet because it's only been TWO DAYS? LOL

I had another successful day with the Total Lean Shakes and my regular food. I haven't been snacking at night so the shake at night is totally saving me. The only problem with it is that I think it has too much fiber for my own personal liking. But that will all work out. Now I just want to see some more movement on the scale! I made the mistake of getting on tonight, knowing full well that I'm heavier at night so now I'm bummed. I'll try again in a few days...in the morning of course!

I have the next few days off which should be fairly busy. My son has his first football game tomorrow night (Go Warriors!!) but during the day I would like to get him started with school shopping and a haircut. I'll be glad when he goes back to school so we can get back to a normal and regular routine!

Captain Crabbypants

2010-09-01T23:36:00.002-04:00

A co-worker named a certain someone "Captain Crabbypants" which I think is perfect. Here is why. Some men have moods that are worse than women’s. I’m coming to realize that it’s just as annoying when it’s someone that you have to spend almost every day with, and that someone isn’t a boyfriend or a friend. It’s awkward, irritating and uncomfortable having to deal with someone that barely speaks when they are in a mood. We all have to be here….so why not make it the most pleasant experience possible? What’s even more annoying is the notion that when the mood is over, we are all expected to laugh, make light conversation and be jovial as if nothing ever happened. It’s 3 against 1 here….and there’s more mood from the male than the 3 females put together. LIGHTEN UP. We all have troubles, worries and issues and that we manage to put on the backburner when we need to. Or maybe even sometimes we have moods of our own. But it’s not a DAILY thing. It doesn’t vary minute to minute.

On a better note, I started my Total Lean shakes today and I had a successful day. Actually I went under calories which probably isn't a good thing, but I still have to play around with different foods to eat and what time to drink the 2 shakes. Since my problem eating happens after dinner, I'm thinking of having the shake at night. I hope that works out. I have my menu planned out for tomorrow and I'm excited and if I stick to it, it will be another successful day.

Busy Year

2010-08-31T23:35:00.002-04:00

It's that time again, back to school for both my son and I. It's going to be a busy year for me. I'm hoping to be transferred to another office at the end of the year when my bosses retire and the new administration comes in. This will hopefully result in a new position for me with more money. I have to keep communication open with my boss to see that it happens.

School starts in a couple of weeks. I got two out of three course requirements and I'll have a lot of work to do. I'm so NOT looking forward to it.

My son is a senior this year, and also involved in two sports....football and then baseball in the spring. So in between running him to practice and games, I need to set up a plan for him next year. Since he has no idea what he wants to do and no motivation to figure it out, it will be up to me to lay something out for him. If for nothing else, he will need to go to school full time in order to stay on my health insurance, or get a full time job and pay for his own.

In order to do either of those things, he'll need a car. Which means getting him to study for his permit and take the test, then take him out driving. All the while I will be putting money away to buy him a cheap yet hopefully reliable car. There's no chance of him being able to get one for himself since he won't be able to get a job until next June, after baseball season.

Aside from all that, I still have the goal to lose weight and be in better shape, which means continuing to fit workouts in. I'm getting tired just thinking about all that needs to be done. One step at a time, I suppose. This year is going to go too fast. I must find time to enjoy my son, which is at the top of the list.

She's Got the Look

2010-08-30T00:20:00.002-04:00

I was looking for some shows to tape on my DVR (as if I don't watch enough shows as it is) and I came across a show about aspiring models, so I taped it. I watched it today and the premise of the show is finding the next hot model over 35. As I was looking at the women who were all beautiful, I couldn't help but thinking they look older than I do. Many of them were about my age (38) and some were in their early
40's yet I felt like I was looking at women that were older than me, even though there was nothing to indicate that they looked 'old', if that makes any sense.

That got me to thinking about myself. I feel as though I look younger than what I am. But do I really? Or do people see me as a late thirtysomething? I have a couple of fine lines (a.k.a. wrinkles) that I wish would go away but for the most part I don't see myself as someone approaching 40. I wonder if others see me that way?

Today's Random Thoughts

2010-08-26T00:08:00.004-04:00

Random Thoughts I Had Today:

~ If you're going to pretend to be sick, do it around everyone. Not just the important people.

~ The more you tailgate me, the slower I go.

~ Discipline yourself so others don't have to.

~ I hope I can go to tomorrow's birthday party and not have any cake. I don't deserve cake.

~ I like to make people laugh.

~ I'm sorry that I had to listen to you complain during my break about things you cannot change. I said: "Oh well what can you do..." She says: "Complain about it". YOU JUST DID.

~ I guess Justin Beiber was in town tonight. Whoop-di-doo.

~ Why haven't I typed my blog from work yet? I always have good stuff when I'm at work.

~ There's always that one random sock in every clean load of laundry. Frustrating.

~ Why am I always tired until it's actually time to go to sleep?

Eating For Two

2010-08-25T00:09:00.002-04:00

No, I'm not pregnant. But I think my stomach thinks that I am because I am on week 2 of non-stop hunger. I can think of one time in this two weeks that I was actually full. Other than that, no matter what I eat I barely walk away satisfied. On a good note, I've started working out again....I hate that I stopped. I will hate even more if my appetite cancels out my workouts. I have to figure something out.

Something Old, Something New

2010-08-17T23:34:00.002-04:00

I can't say that I've been insanely busy. Just not present ...here that is. Nothing extraordinary has happened since my sucky birthday which got me to thinking last night how short life seems. I'm no longer the kid anymore at work (although I am the youngest in my small office) and I don't do much of anything except the same routine stuff every day. I like to say I'm a good mom but I don't think I show my appreciation and love to my son nearly as much as I should considering what a great, well behaved kid he is. And I don't take time to do really big things for myself. My last real vacation where I actually went somewhere, stayed in a hotel and saw some sights was years and years ago.

So I've enlisted a couple girlfriends to at least think about going on a vacation early next year. I want to see something I haven't seen. I want to stay in a nice hotel and pamper myself and not think about my diet. I don't really feel like flying, but I will if I have to. Also having something huge like this is a good motivation to take some pounds off. I'm excited about the possibilities.

It's My Party...

2010-08-08T19:47:00.002-04:00

...and I'll cry if I want to. Worst Birthday EVER.

38 and Feeling Great!

2010-08-07T01:27:00.002-04:00

I turn 38 today. Happy birthday to me! I feel kinda lame saying that, as birthdays were never a big deal to me. But what the heck, I made it another year. That's an accomplishment in itself! It's been a couple weeks since I've written and I'm still on the never ending quest of getting healthy. Ask me how successful I've been? No, don't ask. But here I am at 38 now officially and I won't stop trying. I can't. I'm not getting any younger. Obvi.

In honor of my birthday, I vow to be positive about myself and about my age. I will never stop trying to better myself, no matter how many times I fall off the horse. That is the very least I could do for myself.

Making A List (Checking it Twice!)

2010-07-22T23:38:00.002-04:00

Some good and bad things have happened this week that I have been dealing with. The good....I am currently writing up a proposal to my boss to request (and justify) being put in a Traineeship (higher level, more money!!!) when he retires. It's been exciting because I think I have a really good chance at getting it. My proposal is kick ass and if I end up getting it I will finally be free of the secretarial role and in headed on actual career path. In doing that, I also realized that if this happens for me, I will be making my life here. I do have a life here now but I always figured that after my son graduates, if I chose to I could really go wherever I want. If I head down this road, I will be here at least another few years, maybe longer if I advance to the next level after the Traineeship, which will keep me here an additional few years at least. I have mixed feelings only because I never pictured staying here forever. But I really don't know where I would go at this point. So that part is exciting but also scary....I wonder if I would be happy here FOREVER.

The bad....boys. What's new, right? I think this time is different in the way that I truly am tired of the situation that I've been in for almost 3 years. Waiting for a guy that thinks only about himself and cares about me when it's convenient for him. I've made excuses for him, overlooked things, bit my tongue and I'm tired. I'm tired of being unhappy and untrusting. I feel like something has changed in me because for the first time I feel I have nothing to say to him. I'm not looking for attention, or looking to piss him off, or looking to hurt him the way he's hurt me. I just want to be left alone. I don't want to think about him or wonder what he's doing and I want to live my life in peace. Even if it's alone. The weird part is I think it helped that he's tried a few times to get in touch with me and I have not opened the lines of communication. At least I know that he tried, even if it's too late.

Tomorrow I want to start using Sparkpeople again to track my food and exercise to keep me on track. I can't keep using excuses (like good and bad things happening) as my reason for "falling off the wagon". I will never get to goal like this, and I desperately need to get moving in the right direction. I caught a peek of myself in my full length mirror tonight and am horrified that the fattyness in my legs is creeping down to the knee area...GROSS. I'm done with that too.

Reality Check!

2010-07-20T01:06:00.003-04:00

When am I finally going to realize that some selfish people who think they are all that, are not worth my fucking time?

Pissed off.

Good eating during the day, bad dinner at dad's. (Bad but yummy). Life goes on, at least for now.

People can really suck sometimes

Onward and Upward

2010-07-18T22:03:00.003-04:00

Overall I think I did ok this weekend with the eating. I kind of fell of the wagon a little bit last night but I got right back on. Over all I'm making better choices. I did zumba both days this weekend and both were incredibly vigorous workouts. I love them but it's tiring.

I also got myself new Puma workout shoes for the classes.

I think it's going to take me a few classes to get used to. I'm not used to wearing a shoe so flat when I work out. By the end of today's class my feet were a little sore. I hope it's just me getting used to them and not the shoe itself! I love the style though and that color blue is my favorite.

Here's to another week of eating right and working out!

Success!

2010-07-17T12:49:00.002-04:00

I got on the scale this morning. 2 lbs lower than when I got on the other day! Woo Hooo! I hope it's real. It motivated me to go out in the heat this morning and do my zumba class. I haven't been to my favorite instructor in over a month. She kicked my butt. I loved it. I'm going tomorrow to my other favorite instructor (I can have two!) and look forward to a good whooping again.

Today I'm going out shopping because I can't think of anything better to do. I know, it's terrible. But my son doesn't like amusement parks, the closest water park is an hour away and frankly I'm not up for buying a bathing suit that I will rarely ever wear, plus covering my fat up. It's so hot out and I'm not naturally an outdoors person so shopping it is. First we'll stop at Ruby Tuesdays for lunch because they have a SALAD BAR. Heck I'm on a roll I might as well continue to be good.

Happy day!

A Good Kind of Pain

2010-07-15T22:12:00.003-04:00

I'm wicked sore from my arm workout yesterday. But it's that good kind of pain...the one that makes me feel accomplished. I didn't work out today, my plan is to go tomorrow. I'm trying to decide whether or not to do legs tomorrow, or wait and do a chisel class before zumba. I know zumba is going to kill me though, so do I really want to be tired by the time my favorite fun class comes around?

Eating was ok until dinner. I didn't feel like going to the store again, so I made a hot dog and some onion rings. Sigh. I need to stop ruining a good day with a bad meal.

Other than that, nothing much going on here. New guy keeps texting me. But I know he wants a booty call and I think he has a girlfriend so I'm not going there. He is so hot though. Maybe one day we will meet up. But I'm not ready for that right now. He's working hard though...usuallly he comes and goes but he's putting in full effort to stay in touch. Does he really want it that bad?

Going good!

2010-07-15T07:43:00.003-04:00

Quick blog before work. I consider yesterday to be successful. I went to the gym after work even though I did not feel like it. I asked myself, what would I be doing during that hour if I wasn't at the gym? I would probably be sitting and watching TV or on the computer. So I went and I'm proud of me. Eating was good although I was going to have my hamburger plain last night without a roll but I didn't. I would like to avoid carbs at night and stick to meat and vegetables. We'll see if that happens.

I stepped on the scale today for the first time in a while. NOT GOOD. But motivating enough to keep going.

Back on Track

2010-07-13T22:40:00.002-04:00

Since I last posted I had decided to make an effort to get out a little more to do different things. So far so good! Not so much on the "new" things, but I'm working on that. But I went out a couple of times with a couple of good friends that I hadn't seen in a while. I'm making more of an effort to not let life get in the way of spending time with people I enjoy. And you know what? It reminded me that everyone has issues in life. Actually my life seems pretty peaceful and serene compared to some of my friends lives. So I should be blessed and not sit around feeling sorry for myself. I feel good!

This is also Day 4 of getting some kind of work out in. I took too long of a break but I started out slow and did some WATP DVD's that I have here. One of them I bought months ago and never even opened - shame on me! Today I went back to the gym and did Zumba. The whole routine was fast paced, the instructor killed me (I love Judi!) and I loved it. I think I will finally get a good night sleep too because that workout wore me out and I'm exhausted. Yay!!

What the Shell?

2010-07-07T23:00:00.004-04:00

I was sitting here tonight and something occurred to me. I live an empty shell of a life. I don't do anything exciting or interesting during any given week. I do the same thing over and over, day after day. I get up, go to work, work out (if I am motivated enough), come home to be a mother and putter around the house, play games on the computer and go to bed. When school is in session, I do homework. That's pretty much it. I've kind of lost touch with a couple of friends that I used to communicate with and hang out with a lot, so I really don't get a lot of phone calls either. I sit back and wonder how did it get like this? How did I let it get like this?

I want to do interesting and fun things. I just don't know what yet. I want to get out of my comfort zone and try new things. I want to keep myself busy in order to keep my mind busy. Because when my mind isn't busy, it tends to stress me out thinking about things I shouldn't be thinking about.

I don't know what I last blogged about concerning Scott, but we aren't talking....again. I pissed him off, he pissed me off and then I said mean things. And maybe only 5 of me is sorry. The rest of me isn't. I'm tired of being treated like I'm a piece of shit. I'm here whenever it's convenient for him and I know I'm not perfect, but I deserve more than that in life. As a result of that last argument, we haven't spoken in a couple days. But even before that we hadn't really talked in 4 days. I sit here and wonder why I am not worth the fight to him. And folks, that is why I need to keep my mind busy. I need to worry about myself, not him or what he's feeling. It should be all about me since the first 3 years were all about him and that didn't work out too well.

It sucks when you know something is best for you, but you still feel sad. Blah.

Diet/Exercise? Non-exisistant. Blah again.

Feeling HOT HOT HOT!

2010-07-06T17:53:00.003-04:00

Today is the last day of my four day weekend. Blah. I could seriously get used to not working. But actually it will be nice to be in the A/C tomorrow! It has been wicked hot here since the end of last week. I can't say that I like sitting here dripping with sweat without exerting even a little energy, but at the same time I won't complain because I live in the Northeast and we get a lot of snow. I hate snow. So I'll take this wretched heat any day. God bless those that have to work outside in it!

This weekend was ok. I went to the Baseball hall of fame with my son. I think he enjoyed himself although I think he likes the current players more than reading about the history. He's a big Yankee fan....of course! (Who isn't? HAHA)

The 4th was ok too. I went to a BBQ at my dad's house. There was a 10 month old baby there. I watched her from time to time while they got food ready. I forgot how much work it is! But I love babies. Sometimes I wish my son was still a baby....but I like this age too. LOL

My diet has sucked. Wait, let me rephrase that. There's been NO diet. I'm on the eat what I want plan, and it's not working too well for me. I have to change.

Shut the Front Door

2010-07-01T21:27:00.002-04:00

I was sitting here earlier thinking earlier what is the point of me even doing this blog when I don't share what's really going on with my life? If I'm doing this for the public...which nobody reads this now anyway....then I feel like I'm ripping them off. If I do this for myself for future reference or memoirs, then I'm ripping myself off. Do I write everything here, or do I continue to share cryptic thoughts?

I don't really know the answer to that question now. I feel like I want to write everything, but sometimes I don't want to hash it out and relive it. To me writing a blog about flowers and rainbows when I'm feeling low is fake bullshit.

That being said, I'm having a shitty day which will probably lead in to more shitty days. The most major dilemma in my life has to do with a boy, of course. A boy (man) that I've loved for almost 3 years. A boy that has done nothing to deserve me but who I keep giving chances to but my chances have run out. I need to be strong and stay away. I need to mourn and move on because I can't keep giving myself to someone that has nothing to give back. Why do I love someone that doesn't have love to give? I don't know. But I feel like crap and the ending. I feel like crap thinking that I may get so weak and allow myself fall back into the same toxic vicious circle of emotions and disappointment.

There, I did it.

On another note, I'm watching "Bethenny Getting Married?" and I have to say she's hilarious. The line of the entire show so far has to do with her assistant picking out her outfit for her getaway weekend, including the bra and underwear. He finds the pair of underwear in her drawer that she requested it, and pulled it out with two fingers, as though were contaminated with disease and germs. She says "You can pick them up, my vagina's not still in them. They're clean." She said it with a straight face too. She rocks.

Fitness and Diet? Not so much today.

Meh.

2010-06-30T18:02:00.002-04:00

So far today was a successful eating day. I didn't do anything bad which is a nice change. I don't know about exercise though. I'm feeling blah today and when I feel like this, I know I should work out but I get so tired and unmotivated.

True to Myself

2010-06-29T23:10:00.002-04:00

I went to zumba for the first time in almost 2 months. I forgot how fun it was! Thankfully it was only a 45 minute class tonight and for some reason the order of the songs made it so that there was a slow song at the end before the oool down. Normally I wouldn't have been glad for that. I want to be out of breath and almost physically unable to move by the time the cool down begins. I say I'm thankful because I don't know if I could have handled that tonight. Anyway I felt great afterwards but apparently not great enough since I sabotaged myself later.

Dinner was salisbury steak, mashed potatoes and corn. Generous helpings too, I might add. And I may as well come clean and say that I finished up the rest of the chocolate cream pie so that I could be done with it. I called my son earlier in the day and I told him to take what he wanted to to throw the rest out. He forgot to throw the rest out and as I'm cooling down in zumba I started thinking about the pie. Am I really that pathetic? I should have thrown it out but I didn't. What's done is done and I can't change it so I'll chalk this up to an unsuccessful day and move on. Tomorrow will be better. My plan is to wake up early and do a Walk Away the Pounds DVD and then some form of exercise in the evening. Tomorrow I would like to write up a schedule for myself for what workouts I'm going to do each day. I'm also going to begin entering my foods on sparkpeople.com again. I love that site.

Loose Change

2010-06-28T22:24:00.003-04:00

I need a new name for my blog. It gets absolutely no traffic, although I did have a very awesome viewer but I think her blog is gone. Anyway my goal is to come up with something catchy but relevant for people that search. It should be something about weight loss since that is what I would like to work on most. So over the next few days I will be thinking about it.

That's all I have.
*******************************

Ok I gave it a little bit of thought and I added a new title to my blog and changed the layout. My new blog will contain the same type of random stuff that I've been blogging about since I started. But since I am (again) putting my best foot forward in trying to lose weight and be healthy, I will add stuff about my progress towards a healthier lifestyle. I'm kind of excited!

Teaching An Old Dog New Tricks

2010-06-26T17:38:00.002-04:00

I have a bad habit of needing to know things. Even if those things are ones that will hurt me, I will still aim to find out the truth. Sometimes I feel like I'm obsessed with finding out the truth because I hate being lied to. But what when it comes down to it, the truth that I try so hard to seek does nothing but hurt me and make me feel bad. I guess what I fear most though is that I will go on living my life and thinking that everything is ok, and the rug will be ripped out from under me like it has so many other times in my life. I don't like surprises, especially bad ones so I feel the need to always know what is going on around me even if I don't like it.

So is it really worth it? Is ignorance really bliss? I'm starting to think that maybe it is. I think it's time that I try to stop figuring things out and let life happen. It's going to happen anyway whether I look for it or not. I'm sure it's not going to be easy abandoning some of my habits and I'm also sure that I'll stumble along the way, but I can at least TRY.

Other than this little revelation, today has been an unproductive day. I slept most of the day which made up for my lack of sleep all week. I kind of feel bad for sleeping the day away but I needed it. Let's hope the upcoming work week brings more sleep than the last one. Cheers!

Cocka Doodle Doo

2010-06-26T00:43:00.003-04:00

TGIF!! My day started out kind of fun today. The guy across the street has an assortment of animals from dogs and cats to ducks and roosters. I feel I should mention that I don't live in the country, on a farm or anywhere near farms. I live in a residential neighborhood on a mildly busy street which leads to a major interstate. Why he decided to have ducks and roosters, I don't know. I do know that he doesn't have any kind of fence around his hard and all of the animals....except for the dog.......are free to roam the neighborhood. I've seen the duck family on more than one occassion in the middle of the road with cars waiting patiently for them to cross.

I get a kick out of the rooster though when I hear him. Thankfully I sleep with the fan on so he doesn't wake me up. But he's not partial to just mornings, he will do his thing whenever he feels like it. I've never seen him go any further than his side of the road, until today. I went to the convenient store which is located two doors down from me and directly across the street from the farm animals. I pull in.....and who is parked in one of the parking spots taking in the scenery? The rooster. Just standing there, chilling. Trying to go unnoticed which wasn't happening. I went in to the store and got my coffee and when I came out, I just had to take a picture of the little guy.

At that point he moved up to the sidewalk and he had found something to ruffle his feathers at, literally. I wasn't sure what is was, but I didn't want to find out so I walked around the other cars away from him to get to my own car. It does bug me though that the guy can't bother to put up a fence in the yard to keep the animals safe. Then again, this is the same guy who used to leave his dog tied up outside all day every day, including the dead of winter. I think he got in trouble for that. But farm animals must be ok here. (?)

I've Fallen...But I Will Get Up!

2010-06-24T18:32:00.004-04:00

People never cease to amaze me. It's funny how when we meet someone for the first time you have a totally different opinion on who they are as people. As time goes on though, depending on the type of relationship you have with them, you start to see other parts of the person that perhaps you didn't know existed. I almost wish there wasn't such thing as a "first impression" because typically they are wrong. In the first impression, you don't get to see the bad parts. You don't get to glimpse in their past to see how they've lived their life. You only get to see what they want you to see, and many times that can be extremely deceiving.

I've learned over the past several few years that even good people can turn your world upside down. I've learned that genuine and giving people can also rip the rug right out from under you if it means getting what they want. Unfortunately, experiencing these things first hand has made me a harder person. It's made me want to put up walls that I would never have put up before. I don't understand how people can be so self serving without a thought or care about others whom their actions may effect. I'm a people pleaser. I like to please myself, sure....but I also like to please others and make sure that my actions don't hurt them whenever possible.

Maybe I should start to be a little more self serving and get the things I want and need and not really care as much about what other people may think or feel about it. I'm saying EVERYONE, I'm really just speaking about people that have proven to be out for themselves.

This all stems from a few weeks ago when, the night before my trip down south to see Scott and then my mother, Scott calls to tell me that he's got too much going on and I can't come. Seriously. He rocked my world that night. He proved to me that at any given moment in life, if it serves him or allows him to get what he wants, he will hurt me. That is a scary fact. Of course the next day he changed his mind but it was too late. I did not let him thwart my plans and I booked a bus trip straight to my mothers (that's another hellish story later).

Against my better judgement, I did stop by on the way back for a day. I wanted to get my closure, and I ended up remembering how nice it was to hang out with him. If I was smart, I would have skipped it all together but I did not want any regrets. I think I would have always wondered "what if"? Since I've seen him, I've been extremely forgiving and trying to put what he did out of my head. But on days like today, I can't do that. I still harbor a little bit of anger and disappointment over it. I'm not sure that will ever go away - basically because I know he could do that again.

I wonder if he realizes how lucky he is to have me in his life? It doesn't feel that way and the only time he ever shows any type of appreciation for me is when he's threatened by any other attention I'm getting here. It stinks. I wish I could just break free for good. Maybe soon.

U.S.A.

2010-06-23T22:23:00.005-04:00

How can anyone NOT be proud and excited about the US victory in today's world cup game??? Awesome, amazing, exciting. I can't wait to see how this progresses.

Other than that, today was a quiet, uneventful day. I got in to a flirty text session with someone from the past. Someone I've never been involved with, as the timing was never right. The timing isn't right either because I think he has a girlfriend. I know, I'm bad for even flirting with him. But I made it quite clear that I would not pursue anything with him as long as he was attached. I know what it's like to be cheated on and I will not take part of that. In fact, the next time he texts me I should just not answer. What is the point?

Sleepy Blog

2010-06-23T01:00:00.002-04:00

I don't know why it is that I decide after weeks (months?) of not writing, that I need to write a blog at 1AM when I should be sleeping. I was crabby today due to lack of sleep, you would think I would learn a lesson.

I've been mostly out of touch lately, at least as far as the computer. I've been busying myself doing other things. One of which was going to GA to see my mom. Yay! I hadn't seen her in three years and that was way too long. The trip there was unforgettable....in a crappy kind of way but I'll save that for another day.

I have a break this summer from school which is GREAT. I wish I was done already, I hate every second of it. I hope something good comes from me getting a degree. With the rate that this economy is going, probably not. I've been thinking lately that New York sucks. Its bad every where but its ridiculous here. I keep thinking that when my son graduates I would like to move. But I know he will want to stay and I don't know if I could bare to leave him.

Thats it for now. No false promises to myself of consistent blogging. I will do what I can. I like to write, I don't know why I don't do it more often.

Out.

Trying this from my ipod

2010-05-02T22:04:00.002-04:00

Because apparently I am bored! I will probably end up deleting this.

Anyway.... nothing memorable happened today. It was actually extrelu hot today. The kind of hot where just sitting and being sedentary can make one sweat.

I'm watching Celebrity Apprentice right now and hoping that Bret Michaels doesn't go home tonight!! Speaking of... So glad that he's doing better and keeping him in my thoughs for a full and speedy recovery.

Weekend, I love you!!

2010-05-02T00:53:00.003-04:00

So far I've had a great weekend. One of the best weekends in a long time since I've been so preoccupied with school. Last night I went out with my good friend Amanda and we got pedicures. It's been a while since I've had one and was in desperate need. The funny thing is while I was there, I saw my gyencologist....who I just saw earlier in the week. Which makes me think about how I'm seeing her now, fully clothed when just a few days earlier she was in my va-jay-jay. Odd.

Then I saw the zumba whore that I mentioned in my previous post. She looks different when she's in normal clothes and not weasling her way in to my space.

Anyway I love my pedicure! I picked a hot pink with a design on the big toe. It's not the best design I've had, but it will do until next time!

Today I had lunch with "E". I haven't seen her in a long time. Too long! I had a good time with her even though she didn't seem as happy as I once remembered her. She went through a bad breakup with her ex several months ago and I know she's had a tough time since. I hope to see her more, we are both so busy but we have to make it happen. I came home after and did stuff around the house and then took too long of a nap. So it's grocery shopping in the morning and then zumba. If I do make the zumba class, that will be my 5th workout this week. I would be very proud of myself!! Now if I could just see it on the scale...

A big black ant crawled on my earlier in my bedroom, and I screamed at the top of my lungs. Even though I haven't seen one in a couple hours, Now I feel like I have bugs crawling all over me and I feel creeped out that when I go to sleep there will be other ants crawling on me. Ugh.

Dear -----

2010-04-29T21:39:00.002-04:00

I found something that I wrote a couple of weeks ago when I was at work, pissed off and in an overall rotten mood. I printed it out to blog and then forgot about it. I found it tonight, so I thought I would put it here for amusement purposes -- at least my own anyway.

Dear Mr. Perfect,

It must be hard being so perfect. You say you aren't but you never admit to doing anything wrong. Your tone is always even, you are never rude, short or sarcastic. You are always in good spirits and you never put yourself first. You have never lied, cheated or broken any promises. You have always been truthful, forthcoming and genuine. You have never cuased a moment of doubt or confusion and when the going gets tough, you are there to meet it head on. You never shy away from feelings or uncomfortable conversations. You have no problems saying what you feel, as you would never expect others to read your mind. You are always friendly and outgoing and you take the time to be a friend and allow others to speak about their lives and offer comments, questions and opinions. You never nitpick a person's faults or wrongdoings and you never keep an argument going. You never forget to send birthday cards, especially to people that are nice enough to send them to you. Gosh....I wonder what it must feel like to be perfect like you?

Dear Idiot on the Thruway,

Are you really an idiot or do you just not give a fuck about the potential dangers that you are causing when you are literally sitting.....alone.....in the left hand lane, waiting to merge over into the line of cars that have been waiting patiently> Do you not realize that you are blocking the lane for other drivers that would like continue along that highway to their destination? Or is it really none of your concern because it's not inconveniencing you at all? Either way you are a clueless asshole and your driving sucks. You deserve to have your license taken away before you kill someone with your elementary driving knowledge and lack of skills. Moron.

Dear Present & Annoying,

I hate it when you don't have meetings. Do you want to know why? Because then you have nothing better to do then sit at your computer and catch up on e-mails which turns in to you forwarding me things and asking me if I will print them for you. Why don't you print them yourself? There's a little print icon at the top of you screen, do you not see it? Do you not realize that it takes longer for you to type me the e-mail, find my name in the address book and hit the send button? Are you really paying me all this money to print shit? Wow, talk about easy money. Too bad good talent is going to waste....but hey, I'm just there to collect my check.

Dear Drama Queen,

Apparently you have forgotten that I am not moved by your silent treatments and temper tantrums. I can go a very long time, if not forever, keeping to myself to avoid your drama. I think you need to look at your own actions and realize that the very same reason that you are mad at me about, you did yourself. Did I get angry and stop speaking to you? No. So, do you what you do because it will be a cold day in hell before I ever call you again. One bit of advice though....go pop your pills, smoke your weed and realize that life doesn't revolve around you!

Dear Zumba whore,

I'm not a skinny girl so I know there's no way that you can't seem me when you walk right up next to me and insert yourself in my personal space. Why do you feel the need to stand shoulder to shoulder with me in a workout class that requires us to have at least a little space to move? Furthermore, do you not see me glaring at you? Do you realize that when we are working out and I'm bumping in to you and my hands are flailing about that I do it on purpose? Its my way of letting you know that you fucked up by invading my space. You will not conquer me. In case you haven't noticed, I'm bigger than you and I could probably take you in the parking lot any day. Consider this notice.

Dear Puker(s),

I'm not sure which one of you two lovely little furballs it is, but I'm kind of tired of finding piles of vomit on my carpets throughout the house. Apparently one of you likes to over eat from time to time.....haven't you ever heard of portion control? Do I need to refer you to a support group for bulemia? It's funny how you wait until I leave the room to make a deposit too. Oh, and you never do it on the kitchen floor where it can be easily cleaned up. It's got to be on the rug of course. One more thing....when I return to find my present, you both go running. You think that's pretty amusing, do you? I don't. If you don't cut it out, I may have to turn you both into anorexics. How do you like me now bitches????

Love,
Me

Hello, is this thing on?

2010-04-12T23:13:00.003-04:00

I feel like I'm becoming more and more disconnected from things that make me uncomfortable or angry. I touched on it a little bit in my last post, but I still wonder why I'm able to just cut people off without much if any feeling behind it. I wonder if I will end up old and alone.

On that same note, I tried to get a hold of my mom earlier and she's always home. If she's not home, she's got her cell phone on her. I couldn't get a hold of her for three hours tonight and I immediately this fear in my head that something bad happened to either her or her husband, or both. I've been thinking about it a lot lately since she's getting older.....what would happen if her husband passed away first? She can't stand living along but yet she refuses to come back to NY. She would be there all alone. I couldn't let that happen, but what would I do?

Despite the depressing thoughts I'm doing well, just tired. Tonight Amanda and I went to the gym to work out. Not our typical zumba class....we just did cardio on the elliptical, bike and treadmill. I must say I'm kind of proud of myself since I now find those machines to be very boring. But I'm glad we did it. And I can't wait for zumba tomorrow.

That's all I got....

Where I'm At

2010-04-11T21:50:00.002-04:00

I've been plugging away at homework so I haven't been around....AGAIN. I've got to get better at this blogging thing. Especially when I've had so much going on in my personal friendships lately. I don't know what it is but I feel like I'm getting to a stage in my life where I don't feel like I want to tolerate or put up with things that cause me to be annoyed or stressed. With that comes the feeling that I don't 'need' most people in my life. I don't think that's a very good way to feel. I have a friend that I've been close with for years, and I consider her one of my best friends. But when we have a falling out or she gets annoyed at me for something, I don't make any effort to get in touch with her. And that's where we are at now. We are approaching week 3 of not speaking for a really dumb reason. But I'm not sad about it. Does that make me cold and heartless?

Then there's Scott. We haven't been getting along lately most of the time. But I still stay strong and keep up the friendship. But the other day I just had enough and I haven't spoken to him since. He's tried to call and for once I'm really enjoying my peace so much that I've had no desire to talk to him so I haven't. In a way I feel guilty because I think it's rude to continuously avoid someone's call. But honestly I don't know what to say. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of not trusting him. I'm just tired, period.

That's where I'm at. Despite all that, I'm in a really good place. The semester ends on April 30th and I'm looking forward to the break. I'm working out more (but eating more ugh) and if I can get the healthier eating down I would feel super great!

Homework BLAAHHHH

2010-03-24T22:44:00.003-04:00

I've spent the last two weeks lost in a sea of homework. I miscalculated and realized that I was behind on my work so I buckled down (thanks for that term, dad!) and got a lot of it done. Yay! I really hate homework and I can't wait for the day where I don't have any more.

In other news, my boss revealed an idea that he has for me when he retires. He knows that when he leaves at the end of the year, I want to go to another office. I had some ideas but I really wasn't sure what I wanted to do. But his plan puts me in an area that will be interesting, challening and hopefully room to grow. So I'm excited! Now let's hope he follows through on helping me get there.

Other than that, I have nothing new or exciting to report.

Sleep awaits!

Off Track

2010-03-11T23:14:00.003-05:00

I've been totally off track this week. I haven't worked out since Saturday and I haven't been watching my eating either. Well, I've been watching the food go from the plate to my mouth, but that's about it! Anywayyyyy...I thought I was doing good with the school work until I realized that I have 26 assignments and 5 papers to do in 8 weeks. Yikes!! So I have been putting most of my focus on homework, and hating every second of it! Thankfully I have classes that have seemed pretty easy so far. Then I'm taking the summer off and will be back at it in the fall. I can't wait until it's all over and my time is my own!

In other news, I'm really proud of the strong woman I've become over the last year. No longer am I the one that is reliant on a man to feel happy. Sure there's times I need some attention but I've come a long way from the woman that used to need daily phone contact at least. I'm so independent now and I'm at the point now where I know that no matter what happens, I will be ok.

Lastly, I'm so ready for the weekend.

FOCUS please!

2010-03-03T21:04:00.003-05:00

Just a little bit of focus is all it takes for me to get back on track with my healthier way of life and weight loss. I had previously lost 7 lbs but then ruined it over the course of a week and a half, with bad eating and no workouts. Now since the weekend, I am back on track and all of the 7 lbs are still gone. I'm so happy about that. I've lived up to my commitment to myself to workout at least 30 minutes every day. So far so good! I do have a 2 hour zumba "party" on Friday so I'm thinking that 2 hours justifies me taking a break tomorrow....maybe. I'll have to see how it goes.

I haven't done any homework, I'm preparing for my upcoming trip (shopping, hair, nails, etc) and with work and parenting, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. It all has to get done. So I'm thinking a break tomorrow might be nice so that I can get homework done. Or if the weather is nice, maybe I can walk to the post office (all up hill) and get my workout in that way. Great idea, Gina!!!! There we go.

My trip is being postponed by a week because I didn't realize it was it Easter weekend and I really don't want to drive in all that traffic. That's ok too because that means I have an extra week of working out and preparing and all that fun stuff.

FOCUS.

Blog worthy...

2010-03-02T07:44:00.001-05:00

Upstate NY hasn't seen any real sunshine in over two weeks. Today, the sun is shining!! It looks so good outside, I don't even mind going to work. It's a good day. Sun, I missed you and I hope you stay a while!

31 days

2010-02-28T22:11:00.002-05:00

I have 31 days until my trip down south to see Scott and then on to see my mom. I am looking forward to it but at the same time, I haven't lost any weight since the last time I saw him. Damn me. I always start and stop....I am my biggest obstacle and I haven't overcome it yet. I know there's not much I can do about it now, but I can at least try again and lose a little something. I would like to try to get some kind of exercise every day for the next 31 days. I won't overdo it but I should be able to spare 30-60 minutes a day to work on myself. I wish I had stuck with it the dozens of times I "started over". Let the countdown begin.

Sucky Blogger

2010-02-25T00:06:00.002-05:00

Wow, it's really been this long since my last blog? I'm a sucky blogger. I have no excuse either. This semester at school is proving to be my "easiest" (knock on wood) as far as required assignments so I'm staying on top of that. It's weird too because I just entered my first semester towards my Bachelor's degree and I thought it would be twice the work. I'm sure it will be next semester so I'll enjoy it now. Really I've just been working out (not consistently enough to show any real weight loss) and working, and doing anything but blogging. I frequent facebook and twitter the most. I need to start making this page one that I come to also. I like to write, even if just to recap my day. It's recording memories...and that is a good thing! But see, I lack consistency in most things these days. Must get better at that.

Weekends, How I Love Thee...

2010-01-17T23:32:00.002-05:00

Its been a few days since I've been on to write, but I've been enjoying my weekend and just didn't make time to write. I'm glad to be away from work for the three day weekend. It's a stressful time of year right now, not to mention the various little fires that erupted throughout the week.

I didn't do anything special this weekend except get some stuff done that I've been putting off, and of course my Zumba class today. I love that class, it's such an amazing workout.

That's about it really....nothing exciting or bad to say. Just loving life!!

Checking Myself

2010-01-14T20:11:00.002-05:00

I've been meaning to write for a few days but every time I finally sit down to do it, I'm exhausted. I've gotten in 4 workouts so far since Saturday, all Zumba. I love it!!

I'm finding myself situations lately in which I have to put myself in check and remind myself not to sweat the small stuff and be grateful for everything I have. Monday I found out that co-worker has advance stage leukemia. Tuesday I learned that there's a chance that she may not even survive the chemotherapy treatments that she starts today. But if she does, and they don't work then she has two months to live. Wow, just like that. I don't know her on a personal level but its sad nonetheless and a blunt reminder of how short life is. So in the past few days where a situation has irritated me, or my job becomes irritating (like today) I have to remind myself that I am lucky to have a job and be alive and healthy.

Then there's the situation in Haiti. How devastating. The more I see and read about it, the more my heart goes out to them. Hearing of the deaths, seeing bodies laying beneath rubble, hearing about all the children that have died and are trapped....it's all so heartbreaking. My prayers go out to them.

Hunka Hunka Burnin' Love

2010-01-11T08:17:00.003-05:00

I meant to write a couple days ago considering that it was Elvis' birthday. I'm not really an Elvis fan but I do have significant memories of him via my mom. I remember being really young and hearing Elvis blasting on the record player while my mom did housework. I remember hearing him on the jukebox at my mom and dads bar. And who can forget the white jumpsuit? My mom and dad saw him in concert a few times. I remember being left with a babysitter when they traveled to Niagara falls in the pouring rain to go see him. Mom was excited, she loved him so. But mostly I remember one day. The day that he died. I was five at the time and I remember my mom crying. For the longest while I did not know why she was crying. My mom is a strong woman so when she cried, it meant it was bad so my brother and I were too scared to ask what was wrong. She cried a lot on this day, she was inconsolable. I finally gathered up the courage to ask her what was wrong. "Mommy, why are you crying?" I remember saying those exact words, as well as her response "Elvis died today" she said, almost hysterically. I remember so vividly not understanding why my mom was crying over someone on the radio that died. Maybe I didn't understand death either, as I had not known anyone that died. I just knew it was a sad day and my brother and I steered clear and played outside and in our rooms. That night, Elvis was once again blasting on the stereo and my mom and dad got drunk in the kitchen, listening to his music all night.

Its amazing what memories stay with you over the years. Happy belated birthday to Elvis and I hope he's resting in peace.

Things that puzzle me

2010-01-09T22:39:00.002-05:00

Here are a few things that puzzle me:

*Boys
*A 7 lb weight loss in 5 days (yay, but it's puzzling)
*Conveyor Belt of Love (WHY???)
*Boys
*How birds in the greater northeast can survive this cold. Brrrrr.
*Justin Beiber - what is he, like 12?
*Jersey Shore - why do I like it so much?
*People that post Youtube videos showing them picking pimples. Ew.
*Beastiality
*The Yellow Light of Death. How can playstation & XBox make something so expensive and not cover it for longer than a year? Can we say ripoff?
*People that drive around & around the parking lot looking for a close spot. You're that lazy? Really?
People with green thumbs. I envy your ability to keep plants alive, because I can't.
*BOYS

In the last 10 years...

2010-01-07T21:44:00.003-05:00

I took this from Pink Bunny Foo Foo's blog (I wish I knew how to link to her blog!) and I liked it so I did one of my own.

Decade Milestones - in the last 10 years, I...

•met Judith who would become one of my closest friends
•got my cat Jasmine who was just 4 mos old at the time
•lost 50 lbs
•went to my first and only baseball playoff game
•became an Aunt for the 7th time
•met my brother's long lost son who was put up for adoption 24 yrs ago (became Aunt for 8th time!)
•moved back home to New York from San Jose, CA
•took a job back at the same state agency I worked in before I moved to CA
•gained back all of the weight I lost
•got my cat Chloe at 8 wks old
•went into debt for a guy
•got my first big promotion
•bought my first "clunker" piece of junk car (not knowing at the time)
•started a new job in a new agency
•moved into my duplex
•reconnected with two of my close friends from High School. We are close again :)
•became a mom of a high school student
•met Scott and had the best holidays of my life
•took my first roadtrip by myself
•visited Manhattan/Times Square for the first time during the holidays
•discovered Zumba and fell in love
•got my Associates degree
•bought a new car
•saw my first broadway show

Mortality

2010-01-07T21:34:00.002-05:00

I've been thinking a lot about mortality this past year. Maybe it was because all of the celebrity deaths that occured last year. Or maybe it was the fact that four classmates from my HS graduating class passed away either in their early or mid 30's.

I truly believe that God has a plan for everyone. But what is the plan for the 33 year old woman who died after suffering with cancer for two years, leaving behind a teenager and a 6 year old baby girl? What's the plan for the woman that went into the hospital for routine gall bladder surgery, then went home and died, leaving an 8 year old daughter without her mother? That part I don't get. Thinking about it makes me sad and sometimes I can't help but think about it.

Life is so short. I would love to live it to the fullest, but I know that I don't. Maybe that will be another "resolution" this year.

Biggest Loser and more

2010-01-05T23:32:00.003-05:00

I'm pretty tired tonight after my lack of sleep last night so I'll make this fairly brief. Today was a good day. I had a dental cleaning which I always stress about because I hate the dentist and having my teeth scraped. But it was a quick cleaning because I take good care of them and floss :) I came home and went to Zumba and learned they added three more zumba classes! I can't do Friday nights because it's early but still I get to do zumba 4x a week. Yay!

Biggest Loser premiered again tonight. Man, I love that show. Its still too early to determine a favorite though. Its the biggest cast yet and one person weighed in at over 500 lbs! Yikes. I can't wait to start seeing results. It's so motivational!

Oh and I ate perfect today. Time for bed!

Epic fail

2010-01-05T01:34:00.002-05:00

Here it is 1:30 in the morning and I'm not asleep yet. Since I last posted, the rest of my night was an epic fail. Sitting around at night watching TV has proven to NOT be good for me. I should have come home and worked out but I didn't. As a result, I got hungry after dinner and I had some bread and butter. I was so tired tonight and I layed down at 11:30, almost asleep until my phone rang. 20 minutes later I get off the phone and could not sleep. Why? Because I was thinking about cheese doodles and chocolate. I fought it as long as I could until I had some. More than just some. I had too much. After a bowl of cheese doodles I had SEVEN chocolates. I consider that binge eating. I am not, nor have I ever been a binge eater so I don't know what got in to me. I feel disgusted and sickeningly full right now. And the guilt is getting to me right now. Ugh.

I will not beat myself up. I can't. What good would it do? Tomorrow is a new day and I know it will be better because I have my zumba class right after work. I always feel good and energized after that class and plus the Biggest Loser starts tomorrow night and that gives me more motivation. So tomorrow will be a good day. But what about the rest of the days? They can't be like this.

Ugh. I'm going to bed.

One Day At A Time

2010-01-04T20:41:00.002-05:00

I survived two things today: Monday and my first day in my quest for a healthier lifestyle. I got up at 5AM this morning to do one of the Leslie Sansone "Walk Away the Pounds" DVDs for 40 minutes. It felt good to get up and do it! I would like to try to get up every morning however I decided today that I am taking this thing day by day. I'm not going to look at long term goals or promise myself when I'm going to work out and get down on myself if I don't. I will wake up each day and tell myself what I want to do for that day and try to do it. I think it will be easier to achieve things that way instead of looking at the bigger picture and getting discouraged if I don't accomplish something I wanted to do. I want to be successful, day by day.

Since I didn't write much over last year I'll do a brief recap, starting with Scott. He and his girlfriend broke up at the beginning of last year and of course I was there to pick up the pieces. Things have been pretty good since the summer time. He's much more attentive now and he puts forth more effort than I think I've ever seen. It stinks that we don't live near each other. I think if we were in the same town we would be married and happy. Who knows where this relationship will go but that's another thing that I'm not going to overthink.

Last May I got my Associates Degree! I didn't think it would be a big deal since I'm now going for my Bachelor's, but when I got that degree in my hand I was overwhelmed with pride and even felt a little emotional. It's so hard going to school, working full time and trying to be a good mom but I'm doing it. I wish I didn't have to juggle it all and I hate school work but I have to keep going. I hope it all pays off. On another note, I HAVE to start putting money aside to begin paying the loans to ease the debt a little bit.

In November when I brought my car in for my mechanic to look at (it shook when i put the brakes on) he told me I should not put anymore money in to my car. So I took my extra loan money (bad girl, I know) to put a down payment on a car. I got a 2009 Toyota Corolla and I'm thrilled! I had been regretting buying that stupid Taurus and wanted a Toyota so bad but didn't think I could do it. But I did and I love my car. I love having something reliable and safe, something that I feel comfortable driving (unlike the Taurus which felt like a boat!) and something that I can feel good spending money on.

Those are really the one "big" things that happened last year. I'm looking forward to seeing what 2010 has to offer.

2010 Are you ready for me?

2010-01-03T12:18:00.004-05:00

I suck at blogging. I always start but I never finish. I also suck at weight loss. Something else I start but don't seem to finish. I suck at filtering what I say when I'm mad. I'm sarcastic and can be spiteful when I feel that I've been wrong. I suck at not using my credit cards. I buy what I want, when I want and therefore I'm constantly racking up small amounts of debt and then killing myself to pay it off.

BUT, this blog is not about being down on myself. It's about recognizing the things that I want and NEED to change. Therefore, here is my list of "resolutions" (though I hate that word):

1. Lose weight. This is most imporant because a) I'm unhealthy; b) I hate the way I look; c) I hate the way I feel; and d) I'd like to be around for my son for a very long time.

2. Stop using my credit cards. If I don't have the money for it, I shouldn't be buying it. I should be able to start saving money, at least to start putting towards my student loans so I don't end up so high in debt that I need to work two jobs to pay it off. I also need to stop putting groceries and gas on my credit cards. Paying interest on those two things is ridiculous. So I will slowly work on paying off the $1,000 I managed to rack up.

3. Handle myself better, even in impossible situations. I don't have to say everything that I feel at the moment I feel it. Reacting "in the moment" is not always a good thing. There are things that people say that can never be taken back. Whether its name calling, accusations, or just overall bitchiness. I will work on taking a step back and thinking about the way I feel and what is worth arguing over, and what is not.

4. Blogging more. Its harder now that I can't blog at work but I should be able to sit down for 10 minutes a night or even every couple nights and blog about what I'm thinking or feeling. I admittedly lead a pretty boring life so sometimes I feel I have nothing to write about. But how about the times where I'm just having a good day for no reason at all? Or when my son says something really nice or does something hilarious that makes me laugh? Or about how great I feel after a good zumba workout? There's nothing wrong with writing about those things and it will be a good way to remind me about the little things in life that make me happy. Some day I would like to look back on all I've written and learn from it and have a pretty good chuckle over it.

There, I'm done. And I must say that I'm pretty pleased with what I've written and how quickly it came to me. Onward and upward!

Positive Thoughts needed

2009-12-28T20:10:00.004-05:00

I keep telling myself I will start blogging again soon, and I will. But today I saw a post on a blog and I felt compelled to post it.

My name is brandy. And I have a blog. (http://brainyjane22.wordpress.com/)

And a plea.

I use my blog to showcase the crazy I meet everyday, share the stories of the kids I teach and document my love for tequila, dairy products and the abdominal muscles of Ryan Reynolds. Rarely do I talk about personal issues on my blog- as personal as the dude that I adore (who I actually met through my blog- single ladies, let that be a very good reason to blog, the possibility of meeting someone as wonderful as my man), but I need your help. And it involves my dude.

He’s a guy who made math comics for my class, so they would love learning about addition. He’s the kinda guy who sends my friends gift cards when they are having hard times, who remembers every story I ever told him, who was the first person I celebrated with when I got a teaching job. He’s the guy who sent flowers to me at school- dozens of my favourite pink roses just because he loves me. He’s a guy who has spent a year patiently explaining (and re-explaining) everything there is to know about football during the important games when silence is preferred. He’s made me word puzzles and comics and stayed up late playing Scrabble with me (even though I beat him almost every time). He’s listened to me cry about school and family and jobs. He is everything I never knew I needed and everything I always knew I wanted.

The holidays have hit us hard. He’s recently been told he may have something called multiple myeloma- an incurable cancer, that gives a person an average of five years of continued life. Though this news has came as a shock, he continues to be exactly who has always been- spending his time worrying about me, rather than worrying about himself. He’s the most selfless individual I know- (he stayed late on Christmas Eve to work, so his co-workers could leave early) and a post like this would never be something that he would promote or encourage but when I’m overwhelmed and feeling helpless, the blogging community has always given me tremendous support and comfort, two things I desperately need at this time.

As I write this, the future is uncertain and we aren’t sure what’s happening. He’ll need to see an oncologist soon, to verify what’s going on in his body. My hope is that everyone who reads this think positive thoughts and if you are a person who prays, could you add him to your list? (You can refer to him as ‘brandy’s hot awesome dude’). If you don’t pray, please keep him in your heart.This cancer is only a possibility and I believe that the prayers and positive thoughts of people can make sure it never becomes a reality.

I want to give a big thank you to the blog owner who scraped their original blog plans and graciously put this up. My goal is to get as many people as possible to see and read this post. If you are reading this and want to help, copy and paste my plea into your blog or send a link through twitter, so more people can keep him in their thoughts. I would be so very grateful (even more grateful than I am to my friend who first showed me the picture of Ryan Reynolds on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. If you haven’t seen it, google it. You. Are. Welcome).

I realize this all sounds dramatic, a Lifetime movie in the making- but this is life. Right now. And I’m throwing away any hint of ego and am humbly asking for you to pray or think kind thoughts. If you are able to pass this on, thank you and if you know anything regarding MM- please email me (my email is on my blog). This isn’t a call for sympathy or a plea for pity. It’s just one girl hoping you can think positive thoughts for the person she adores. If my current heartache provides you with anything, let it be with the reminder that life is short, love is unbending and no one knows what could happen next. Maybe it is silly, but I really do believe that positive thoughts can make a huge difference. Thank you for reading this and if you haven’t already? Please tell someone you love them today.

I did.

Reminder to Self

2009-11-25T23:34:00.002-05:00

I haven't been on here in FOREVER. Work, school, parenting and fitness have been kicking my butt and keeping me away. For the most part there's not a lot to tell. I do have an issue but I'll save that for tomorrow when I'm not tired. Tomorrow morning I'm getting up to do an 8AM workout at the gym followed by 9AM Zumba which I LOVE so much! 2 hours should justify me eating like a normal person for a day. Right? Let's hope!

My story

2009-08-30T23:24:00.002-04:00

So I promised a story from my birthday. It's nothing that probably hasn't happened a million times, but nonetheless it was weird and awkward! I went to my sisters house the day after my birthday. She invited another couple over and they were really nice. The woman was super sweet, and the guy was the same and they made easy conversation. Throughout the course of the night, the guy kept finding ways to touch me. Whether it be kissing my hand, or walking by me and touching my shoulders or playing with my hair and yes he did it in front of his girlfriend. I just chalked it up to him being a nice person who's affectionate. The girlfriend didn't seem to mind. I'm not one to speak up about something that hasn't quite crossed the line, I don't like confrontations or drama.

At one point I went inside to use the bathroom and when I came outside, the girlfriend was giving my sister a shoulder massage. So I sat down, grabbed my beer and happily continued drinking. Suddenly, the guy announces that the birthday girl needed some special attention. He gets up and starts massaging my shoulders and neck. I said no, that's ok but he insisted. It was awkward because I don't enjoy getting touched by people I don't know LOL. But I stuck it out and hoped he wouldn't be too long. A little while later almost the same scenario occurred except this time the girl was giving my sister's husband a massage. Again I didn't think it was too weird......until again her boyfriend came over to me to do it again. And this time it wasn't a quickie. He lingered. He lingered long enough for his girlfriend to sit back down and grab a drink. He lingered so long that his girlfriend said (finally!) "ok babe you really need to stop now." Ummm yeah, ya think? I know I should have spoken up but it didn't really feel creepy....just weird. After that things kind of changed a bit. While she was still nice to me, she got kind of quiet and wanted to leave. She gets up to go to the bathroom and he follows her. They were in there for a while. Finally he exits the bathroom (I wondered if they had sex in there) just as I was coming in to get a drink. The bathroom was right off the kitchen but that didn't stop the guy from coming over to me to give me a hug.....and pulling me in for a kiss, while he's grabbing my ass of course. Whoa. WTF? I pushed him back, about to go off and he just smiles and walks away.

Seriously. That really irritated me that a) he would disrespect me like that to think that I would actually enjoy being manhandled and made out with while his girlfriend is in the next room and b) that he would disrespect his girlfriend like that. I said nothing and they left right after that, thank goodness. I don't like to generalize, but what is wrong with men??? Why do they find it so hard to be loyal and faithful to the one they are with? The person could be sweet, attractive, successful (like his girlfriend is) and that's not good enough? What is it about the penis that overrides all logic and sensibility? GRRRRRR. I was irritated for a ocuple of days about it, I'm not sure why I let it affect me like that. I'm over it now but still, I'd like to take that guy and give him a good swift kick in the ass!

I really wanted to make this light and funny, but I'm pretty tired right now. Long day, long weekend and ready to begin another week!

Lazy

2009-08-28T02:58:00.002-04:00

I have no excuse for not writing other than laziness. The last time I wrote was the day before my birthday. I had a decent day although I got a slight case of food poisoning from dinner. But I made it out alive. I had an awkward experience the day after my birthday which I'll blog about next time. Other than that, I haven't had much excitement since then....which is not necessarily a bad thing!

A Year Ago

2009-08-06T22:10:00.002-04:00

Before I start, I'll warn that most of this entry will be filled with negativity and explanations to why I had a crappy day. But don't worry, I'll throw in something positive at the end.

My day started out crappy when the alarm went off at 5:00 and I did not get up to work out for the second day in a row. I was tired, groggy and sneezy and I couldn't drag my lazy ass out of bed which ultimately led to guilt and digust with myself for once again starting something and failing a couple of days later. But I'm not one to beat myself up for too long. All I can do is keep *trying* (oh I hate that word!) and hope that I can become consistent with my efforts.

When I finally did wake up, my first thought was that tomorrow is my birthday. Lots of people would be excited about their birthday. I am not. I was supposed to be away for my birthday, seeing my mom and having a great time with a friend but that did not happen. And the feeling of not having "someone special" to share my birthday with plagued me all day. I was down and weepy at work and feeling sorry for myself. It was sickening actually, but I could not help myself.

Then I started thinking about a year ago today. One year ago today I was in a happy relationship....or so I thought. I had a guy who I thought loved me and that I would be with for a very long time. I think a year ago I was on the computer like I am now. Three hours from now will mark the one year anniversary of the worst day that I've had in a long time. That is when I found out that I was not actually in a happy relationship. The guy, Scott, was seeing someone else and in fact professing his love to her on myspace. I know...in the grand scheme of life this is really not that serious. I get that. But truly that night (and several nights after for months) I felt like someone kicked me in the stomach. This was a guy that I thought would NEVER do something like that to me. We had a lot of talks in great length about the kind of relationship we wanted. We talked about cheating and I told him how I just wanted one guy to feel that I am ENOUGH. I learned a year ago that I wasn't enough. And I learned it on my birthday.

Fast forward a year later. I'm much stronger than I was last year. I still have a big heart and when I love, I love hard. But I no longer see him as the perfect guy, and I should not have thought that anyway, as nobody is perfect. I no longer have that same adoration for him that I did prior to a year. I no longer make excuses for some of his behaviors and love him "regardless". I'm much stronger, a little more bitter and a lot more cautious. I still a weakness for him and since then we have still been talking and I have forgiven him, but have not forgotten. I would like to think that I have learned a lot from this experience with him, and something that I can take with me in to my next relationship....whenever that happens.

So now I'm sitting here a year later, not really looking forward to tomorrow but at the same time I'm very thankful to be alive and have made it through another year. Death does not discriminate against anyone or anything...not age, race, gender or religious beliefs. It can strike at any time and I would like to try to focus on that and the fact that I'm living and I'm healthy. Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day.

Sleeping Beauty

2009-08-04T23:51:00.003-04:00

Tonight will be a short blog. The effects of waking up early the past 2 days have caught up to me and I'm wicked tired. I even had a forty five minute nap after work. I feel great during the day and I hope I can stick this out. It's all about the discipline and willpower! I know it sounds weird but I'm trying to look at myself in the mirror more. I'm good at ignoring looking at anything from my neck down and I'm not going to do that anymore.

My eyes are literally closing as I type this so, I'll call this one now. That's a wrap!

Hungry Eyes

2009-08-03T22:45:00.002-04:00

Today started out with success and ended up......not so much. I got up to work out this morning. It was hard to get moving and I had conversations with myself, telling myself that it wouldn't hurt if I didn't go this morning, or I could just stay at home and do a work out DVD, but I knew I wouldn't get as good of a work out. So after some strong internal debate I went to the gym. I felt great after and I need to always remember that feeling whenever I start falling out of the habit.

As far as food, I did well all day. Around 2:00 though I got a headache and I felt really hungry. I stuck to my meals and snacks though. Then I got home and things went down hill. I forgot to take chicken out of the freezer and I didn't have anything else to make so I made pasta with meatballs. I ate too much pasta and I had my share of meatballs. Then later this evening I had 4 lemon cookies. Why? I don't know if the carb overload tonight made me crave sugar but I needed some.

So I'm not calling this day a success even though 75% of it was. But I'm not beating myself up either. I feel good having worked out and ate well all day. Tomorrow will be better. I took chicken out and have salad ready to go. My meals and snacks are made for tomorrow so all I have to do is wake up and begin tomorrow like I did today.

In the mean time, I am dog tired and will go to bed early!

Starting Fresh

2009-08-02T21:47:00.002-04:00

After taking some pictures of myself yesterday, I realized that I'm not doing my body or health any justice by eating what I want and not working out. You would think that looking in the mirror would tell me that, except I don't look in the mirror except from the neck up. You would think that COMMON SENSE would tell me that, except I'm pretty good at ignoring common sense when I want to. But pictures...you can't hide from them, ignore them and they do not lie. It's time to snap out of this funk. It's time to stop feeding my moods and start feeding my health.

So I'm going to make (another) go of it and get up at 5AM tomorrow morning and work out. I would like to get up every day during the work week and work out because evenings I can find a dozen excuses, including it being too hot, to work out. If I can get it out of the way in the morning, that would be great. I also made my meals for tomorrow which aren't super perfect but I want to stay within a certain amount of calories. This week I'll be eating cereal for breakfast and then I'll have a sandwich cut in half, eating each half as a meal with either carrots or fruit and then a small salad with vinegar during the day. Dinners aren't planned but I'm going to behave. Not *try* to behave, I WILL behave. Enough is enough!

Reap What I Sow

2009-08-02T02:49:00.008-04:00

I broke and called Scott. For 7 days I remained strong. I felt good at my peaks, and struggled through the valleys and during all of those times I did not call him. Friday I woke up at my lowest and I'm not sure why. Maybe it was because of the beginning of the weekend. Or maybe the two days off work gave me too much time to think. I called him to apologize for saying that I hated him. I don't like hating anyone, or using the word 'hate'. I did feel it though and I felt bad for saying it. Maybe I'm too nice. He told me he appreciated me saying that. And then he went on to blast me.

He told me I made way too much out of the myspace comment. He's not with his ex and it was just something he left for her. He said she knows the deal and knows they aren't together and that if the roles were reversed he would never flip over something like that. I suppose that's easy for him to say since I was always very respectful of him. I would never do anything like that.

Anyway after he blasted me, he had to get back to work. He ended up calling me later and I realized during that conversation that I'm on my way to getting over him anyway. Every time we have a blow up, it takes a lot out of me, including love I have for him. I still care about him but I don't have that same feeling I once had....and that is good! So I'm in a much better place today.

Today I treated myself to a haircut complete with coloring and highlighting.

You can't really see the highlights in this picture but they are there. Actually a lot was done to get it healthy looking again. I had too many light blonde highlights (a.k.a. bleach) in my hair from several months ago, so she colored me back to my original color and then did some random chunky higlights. She also cut almost 3 inches from my length. Yikes! I like it though, it will be much easier to manage.

Then I got my eyebrows and a pedicure done. I went for a hot pink for summer, with a design on the big toes. I love designs!

$195 later.....I'm feeling good! I did feel guilty about how expensive the hair was, but I desperately needed to get it healthy again. My mom and dad will give me birthday money next week so I'll put that back in the bank and consider this my present to myself.

All in all today was a good day!

Pepe Le Pew

2009-07-30T00:03:00.002-04:00

I'm convinced that there is a family of skunks living in my yard. Every day for the last couple of months I've been graced with that wonderful scent of skunk. Occasionally during the day but mostly at night and in the wee hours of the morning. I'm kind of stuck with it too because I have to put a fan in my bedroom to keep it cool and of course that draws the scent in even quicker. I wish they would go tind another place to live, I'm kind of tired of waking up to it! One day I fear that I'll be walking out to my car to go to work and I'll get sprayed. From what I hear, when you get sprayed it stays on you for days unless you bathe in tomato juice. I can't stand either of those scents so I'm sure it would one giant gag fest.

Today was an ok day. I felt good knowing that I got to leave work at 3 to go to a dr. appointment and that I'm off the next two days. I hope I don't fall in to the same routine of hiding out in my room the whole weekend. I know it sounds crazy but sometimes I'm just not motivated to do anything, especially when I'm down and out. It actually takes effort to do something. That's how I feel lately, although I've tried a little bit. I really need to start working out again too. I've completely stopped that and abandoned any good eating habits I had a couple of months ago. I'm a disgusting blob.....you would think that would be enough to get me moving but so far it hasn't. I'm going to try to start up on it again this weekend.

Speaking of "trying"....I kind of hate that word. When I say I'm going to "try" to workout.....what does that mean? I either am or I'm not. What is the trying part? Scott used to always use that word, usually in the phrase "I'll try to call you later" Ummm, ok. Where does the trying part come in? You either call me or you don't. Unless of course you have broken all your fingers and nose and you have to dial with your toes. Then I can understand the use of the word "try" because I imagine that typing with your toes takes a little effort!

Twos Day

2009-07-28T23:25:00.003-04:00

Today was an ok day. I had some moments again today but I seem to be getting through them ok. I talked to a couple of girlfriends today and they give me a fresh point of view and help me through my moments. They rock!

I got my new phone today....Samsung Behold.....and I love it! I have to call T-Mobile though because they promised me a free trial of internet on the phone and so far I'm not getting it. I had fun playing with it tonight when I got home from work and it kept my mind off things.

Starting tomorrow at 4:00 I'm done with work for the week and I'm excited about it! I hope I do ok all weekend, alone with my thoughts. I do plan an afternoon of beauty on the weekend though. My hair desperately needs cut and coloring and I'm going to get my nails, toes and brows done. It's been far too long since I've pampered myself and I'm looking forward to it! Other than that I don't have any plans right now but I need to make some before I end up hanging alone and drowning in my thoughts. That's never a good thing!

Another day

2009-07-27T22:05:00.003-04:00

I'm glad that Monday is over! It wasn't anything bad in particular, I just wasn't in the mood to put on a pretend smile and act like everything is great...but I did. I had another blah day though. I wonder when it will get better. Tonight I started thinking about something that really bums me out. The biggest thing I'm going to miss about Scott is the chemistry we have. We have amazing chemistry and I've never felt more comfortable and free to be me with anyone else in my life. I know I should think positively but what if I never find that again? I don't think I will. It's taken me all this time to find that and now it's gone, he took that away from me.
I know I shouldn't care, but he hasn't tried to contact me either. That's probably a good thing but it affirms to me that I'm not as important as he made me out to be and now that he's declaring his love for his ex - whether they are together or not, I don't know - he really doesn't need me around anyway. Please jab the knife in my heart a little deeper.

Other than my crazy random thoughts it was a pretty quiet day. I'm taking off Thursday and Friday and I can't wait. I look forward to not having to put up a front and just be alone with my thoughts....or not think at all.

***In honor of thinking positively thanks to a kick ass chic***** (I don't know how to add her blog URL here or I would!) I want to give a shout out to a really good friend of mine. She's actually my best friend and she's always there for me especially during times like this and she let's me talk about it as much as I want to. Sometimes she gives me very tough love and is very harsh but generally when I'm feeling down and I want to talk about my feelings, she's there for me and she doesn't ever get "tired" of hearing me ponder the same things over and over. I'm grateful for her. She was even going to call HIM up and tell him off, and at first I agreed but thankfully I came to my senses and called off the dogs. LOL! She typed out what she was going to say and DAMN....she gives new meaning to ripping a new asshole. LOL But I don't need to go out like that. I've quietly disappeared and I think it's best that way.

Tomorrow is another day, it's supposed to be gorgeous and I'm one day closer to being over him. Yay!

One Day At A Time...

2009-07-26T20:40:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was an ok. I didn't really feel too bad, and I got out and took my son to the movies. Today on the other hand I felt blah. I questioned why things happen the way they do. Why a good person like me who has such a huge heart can never find real love? But I know I'm not the only one in the world and I'm blessed with a well paying job, my health and a great kid. So who am I to complain? Still....I wish I had someone to call my own, someone to cherish me and treat me good. It bums me out. I will probably write about this every day for a while, but I will try not to dwell in each post.

I'm getting a new cell phone and I'm excited to get it, it will cheer me up. The unfortunate part of that is that it's going to add to my monthly bill since the new line with my old phone will be for my son. But still, I can't wait. I wanted to get it at the mall today but of course the T-Mobile store tries to hose you in to getting more services so I opted to do it over the phone AND pay $12 to have it express shipped hehe. That's the highlight of my life right now. Pathetic but true!

I can't wait to feel normal again....whatever normal is.

Random Thoughts

2009-07-25T21:59:00.002-04:00

I think the key for me to deal with difficult things is to keep busy. When I'm home, I'm sitting around and thinking. Thinking about stuff I shouldn't be thinking about. When I'm doing things, it might still be on my mind a bit, but it's not constant and my mind is occupied with other things. So I need to allow myself more practice at keeping busy, even if it's the last thing I want to do.

Today I went and saw the movie "Orphan". It was pretty good! It was kind of long and a little bit slow in the beginning but it turned out to be good. I would definitely recommend it to anyone that may happen to stumble across my blog. After that I came home and haven't really done much of anything since then so then my mind's gone wondering...and not in a good place. I know I shouldn't hate anyone. It's a bad feeling to have for someone. But I hate him right now. I hate him for everything he's put me through and for being a cold hearted sonofabitch. I wish I never met him and I'm pretty proud of myself today for not crying over him. I think it really helped that I changed my cell phone number again so I do not expect him to call or care when he doesn't. I think when I can get past this and forget about him for the most part, one day I'll wonder why I stuck it out for so long. I can't wait for that!

Closing the Book

2009-07-24T22:54:00.002-04:00

The final chapter in my shitty relationship with Scott (yeah I'm using his real name now) is done and I'm closing the book on it. I've said and thought this too many times but last night was the last straw. The first time he dumped me for someone else devastated me and almost broke me. But for reasons I still don't understand, I stuck around. I believed his lies and I ate up his words and the fact that he didn't want to lose me.

I believed him when he said he didn't love his ex anymore. I believed him when he said he loved me.

So why am I shocked and hurt that once again he showed me and the world his love for her on her myspace page? It sounds so stupid typing it, but it's not stupid to me. It hurt me again. It hurt me even more when I confronted him and he turned it around to something I did wrong. It hurt me that he fluffed it off and said "it's just a myspace comment". It's like deja-vu all over again and this time I'm not sticking around.

I'm down and out, I feel like shit and even cried at my desk at work and in my car at lunch. But this time it will not almost break me. It will be a long hard struggle because when I love, I love hard and I still love the asshole. But I will find a way to survive and come out stronger. I will find a way to eventually stop feeling like I'm not good enough and start feeling like it was HIM that wasn't good enough.

God please forgive me for the hate in my heart.

Committed

2009-07-21T23:35:00.002-04:00

I've decided to commit myself (I could end this sentence here, but I won't) to blogging more often, even if it's about nothing. I feel better when I write. I do not, however, put my inner most thoughts on here....not usually anyway. So night after I blogged, I found myself wanting to write in my journal about what I was really thinking. But I was too tired and lazy to do so. I'm not really going to get all in to it, but I will say that for reasons I have no clue about, I still love the guy that broke my heart last year. We never stopped talking and for a long time I was able to bury those feelings for the most part. But recently they've resurfaced. I woke up this morning though, scared to death that he was going to hurt me like that again. Obviously no matter what happens, I will remain among the living and life will have to go on. But those were some of the darkest days of my life and I do not ever want to visit those feelings again. Still I can't shake the worry that has welled up inside of me.

Someone reading this may ask why then don't I just give him up if I have that much of a fear that he will hurt me? Well to be honest, I don't know how to give up on someone that I have so much feeling for, just based on a "what if". I don't want to regret anything later. So here I am, hoping and wishing for the best.

Bad, bad girl

2009-07-20T22:26:00.002-04:00

I haven't blogged in ages and I really don't have a good excuse. I'm taking the summer off from school and I haven't been on vacation. I should be blogging. The only thing resembling an excuse that I could have if I wanted was the fact that they blocked blogs at work. That really annoyed me. That's where I did all of my blog reading and responding, as well as my own. Now I can't do any of it.

Anyway, nothing much new has happened since I last blogged anyway. I'm still talking to McS. We have our ups and downs, I'm trying to be on an up after a long time of really not feeling it anymore. But then we had a long talk and told me all of the things I needed to hear and I was sold...again. He is one person that makes me feel comfortable with myself. I'm overweight and he says I'm beautiful. I love to hear that. I'm sure that there are other guys that think that also, but none that I'm interested in.

I really have nothing new that I would like to report. Maybe that's another reason I haven't blogged. I lead a very quiet life!! In August I am going to NYC again with my friend to visit our college friend. I'm looking forward to that. And now that I'm not going on vacation, I should take a weekend and go somewhere. Some place inexpensive but fun and some place that my son would enjoy when he gets out of summer school. That really puts a damper on the summer and I hope it's his last year of being lazy.

Tis all for now.

WHY????

2009-06-10T18:03:00.001-04:00

I had a whole post that I typed out at work in an email so I could copy and paste it here. But I forgot......I can't paste in blogger. WHY????? I wanted to vent about my bad day and this is the sprinkles on the icing of my cake.

That is all.

Week 1 Success

2009-06-09T07:48:00.002-04:00

I have to write this quick because I'm late leaving for work already. But I had success with my first low carb week. I lost 7 lbs! I was actually at the 7 lb mark last Thursday and the scale hasn't moved since then (well, it went up once....what!) but I still consider it a success because a) "Auntie Flo" is in town and I have major bloatedness and b) I had a couple of minor slip ups on the weekend.

Yesterday morning I did not wake up to workout at the gym. So I came home and did 1/2 hour of aerobics. I didn't burn near as many calories but at least it was some movement. This morning I DID wake up but did not go to the gym because I was irritated at someone and lost in thought. But I plan on getting a walk in at lunch and another half hour tonight. I really need to start weights and even more so, I really need to start doing crunches.

I'm spending more money on food which I don't like. But I'm trying this lifestyle eating foods that I enjoy so it doesn't seem like a diet. If I keep this up, I'll be able to stick with it for a long time. Hopefully forever!

Off to work I go.... eh.

What the Funk???

2009-06-05T23:47:00.003-04:00

I'm in a funk today. Actually for the past couple of days. I'm irritated, withdrawn and I just don't feel like dealing with any friend drama. Truth is, I'm lonely. I wish I had someone to love and that loved me back. I started thinking earlier tonight (big mistake!) that it's been a really long time since I had someone truly love me. Like since the early 2000-2001. When I was in that relationship, I knew the guy loved me. I mean he REALLY loved me, I never had to question that, no matter what kind of troubles we had. I miss the consistency of knowing that no matter what, I was loved and that nobody would ever take my place. I've had relationships since then and I haven't had that feeling. It's a pretty depressing thought.

I wonder when I will have that again....or if I will have it. The worst part is, I'm not really up for "looking" for a guy right now, I'm still hung up on McS. I'm also trying to work on myself, physically and emotionally, so that I can be prepared for my next relationship. So my only choices here are to fake the funk for a while and put myself out there to meet new people. Or I can be lonely and wait for the next guy to cross my path that really moves me. Ugh, who knows.

How's It Going?

2009-06-04T07:24:00.002-04:00

I'm here to post quicklly about how things are going with my diet. They are actually going better than I ever imagined they would. I resisted doing low carb for so long because I was in the "Weight Watcher" frame of mind where I could have anything I want as long as I pay attention to the portions. I'm sure to an extent it's true......if I actually followed that plan. I think as I've gotten older, my body needed this change of pace. I feel better and sometimes I almost convince myself that these few days have magically made me thin (but then I look in the mirror). But still....I'm seeing good things.

I've been waking up even earlier to go to the gym, which has made me pretty tired at night. I think my body is still in "adjust" mode. I have not had any real cravings for carbs, as I thought I would especially at night. I don't miss potatoes or pasta....all they do is make me full and sleepy. Sometimes I go through periods where my stomach feels empty, even shortly after I've eaten. I don't like those periods. I've also started to drink water and have given up diet soda completely. I don't care what "they" say though (whoevery "they" is).....water does not make me full. It never has....in fact, when I'm drinking it that's when I feel empty sometimes. But then when I started chewing gum and actually had some flavor in my mouth, it got better.

Anyway all is good. This weekend will probably be the most challenging. Thankfully I don't have any picnics or BBQ's to go to so I won't have that temptation to deal with just yet. But I've been known to do great all week and blow it big time on the weekend. I am determined not to do that this time.

My Low Carb-session

2009-05-31T23:17:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow I'm going to embark on a lifestyle that I have previously resisted with a fury. I'm going on a low-carb diet. Actually let me rephrase that since I hate the word diet. I'm going on a low-carb lifestyle. I'm kind of excited about it right now but I'm sure my tummy and my brain will be feeling otherwise by tomorrow afternoon. I decided to try this because prior to a couple of weeks ago, I have been working my butt off working out and 'mostly' eating the right things, and I haven't seen much results. I looked at a typical menu for my day and realized that between the bran cereal for breakfast, fruit and fiber one bars for snack, sandwich for lunch and meat and carbs for dinner....I was having A LOT of carbs/sugar in my day.

Now I want to see some serious results. I'm giving myself 2 months on this to see how I do. During that time I will track what I eat and my exercise also. I also want to take pictures along the way. I really hope that this is something that I can stick with. Because I really do need something to work for me. I may be visiting one of my friends and my mom in August and I really want to be thinner than when I've seen them last.

My typical menu will look something like this:

Breakfast: Omlette and maybe a slice or two of turkey bacon
Snack: strawberries and 1/2 serving of almonds
Lunch: turkey on 1 slice of pumpernickel bread, 1 cup of salad with vinegar
Snack: apple and 1/2 serving of almonds
Dinner: chicken or porkchop with salad, broccoli or some other kind of veggie
Snack (if need be): Stawberry smoothie (strawberries, 1/2 cup of milk, ice, splenda)

So far the only things that excite me from this menu is the 1/2 sandwich and the smoothie. LOL

Good luck to me!

Back to the Grind

2009-05-27T00:22:00.002-04:00

It's been way too long since I posted. I can't post at work anymore or read any blogs because the fun suckers blocked blogs about a month ago. Probably because of me. Whatever. So because it's late and I should get to bed, I'm going to post what I emailed myself last week (and didn't have time/forgot to post). I was having a particularly bad day. I'm over it now. Tomorrow (hopefully) I will be a good girl and post about my boring life.

Ok never mind. It's not letting me paste. WTF?

Whatever.

Random Act of Sensitivity

2009-05-18T22:40:00.002-04:00

I experienced a totally random act of over-sensitivity the other day at work that is still bothering me. Normally I'm not one to hold grudges but I am really pissed off and I don't think it's going to go away any time soon.

I was pretty cool with the other woman in my office, AC. I kind of had to be, we rely on each other since we are responsible for answering our bosses phones and so we have to coordinate our vacation schedules and days off with each other so we can always have office coverage (gag).

Before I get into the random act, I have to say that I have some built up hostility over my work situation. I'm constantly being left alone because AC has taken on a new role which takes her out of the Admin role and puts her into a project management role. The part I'm pissed about is the fact that most of the time, I'm always left alone in the office. She's either on vacation, in meetings or when she IS in, she's out wandering and being a social butterfly. Needless to say, I'm left there by myself, having to find coverage or just leave the phone when I have to do something such as going pee. It's annoying, frustrating and makes me unmotivated to go to work. I'm not angry at her, it's part of her job....it's frustrating though that they can't fill the other secretary position that's supposed to be there. It would be a great relief. But they have no intentions of filling it, so for now I have to suck it up and smile.

Anyway last Wednesday AC came into the office, and she was late. That's not unusual. But she's there for a few minutes and starts acting dramatic. Announcing over and over again that she had a headache. Then she would lay her head on the desk. Lift it up and make sure she said again that her head hurt. Then came the claims of nausea. Finally she picked her head up off the desk and said she was going home. Naturally I was annoyed. This was the first week in a very long time that she was in the office all day for the full 5 days. Guess not. The next day I come in and we get a very brief email that she's not feeling well and won't be in. I was enraged but really what could I say? She wasn't feeling well and I couldn't fault her for that.

Friday rolls around and she comes in, super chipper and says good morning. I was busy for a change, but I did say good morning. She goes into one of our bosses office and my boss asked her how she was feeling. She said she felt better, she was fatigued and she really needed rest. I didn't really think much of it other than it must be nice to be able to rest for a couple of days when you're tired.

So I'm making copies of something, and answering the phones at the same time and I take a call for my boss. After I transferred it, AC comes out of the office and says "I'm doing fine, thank you for asking" HUH? I looked at her with an incredulous look on my face and say "What are you talking about?" She proceeds to tell me that when she walked in to the office, I didn't even bother to ask her how she was feeling or anything. I told her that I said good morning to her but that I was busy. She says "Busy? yeah right."

Oh no you didn't.

That pissed me off. I said something that probably sparked the rest of the confrontation, but I'm glad I said it. I said "For someone who was just off the last couple of days, you sure are in a bad mood" She didn't like that at all. Basically the rest of the conversation was her continuing to bitch that I didn't do anything to see if she was feeling better, and me saying that I'm not having this conversation with her and that I was leaving early.

It sounds very trivial and stupid when I type it out or even talk about it. But I don't know what her fucking problem was and why she felt the need to confront me about something so stupid. Honestly her making a huge deal about it makes me believe that she wasn't "sick". But she wanted to make sure to act as dramatic as possible so that it's ok that she was out. Her facial expressions and the way she talked to me was uncalled for (also calling me paranoid....bitch!) and honestly I don't feel like our relationship will be the same. I don't want it to be either.

As far as I'm concerned, I'm going there to earn a paycheck and that's it. She's not getting much conversation from me and she's sure as hell not going to get me to coddle her no matter how much she bitches about it. She can go pound salt! hehe

Myspace funnies

2009-05-17T16:13:00.003-04:00

It's been too long since I've written. I don't get to blog at work anymore because they are fun suckers that blocked all blogs and blogging programs. I had an entire bitch session blog all typed out but I've been too busy to even paste it on here.

So here I am. I was just on myspace and I must say that is a funny place to be. Sometimes in a funny "haha" way. Sometimes not.

So there's this guy on there that apparently is in love with the Hooters restaurant chain. Because every few weeks or so, he posts pictures that he takes with the Hooters girls. Nobody comments on them but he still posts them. I'm wondering if he posts them to make himself look cool. He's almost 50 and he really is a nice person, I know this because I've exchanged conversation with him. But really....what's with all the hooter pics, come on! Eh, whatever floats your boat...who am I to judge anyway?

Next was the guy that IMed me this morning. I don't know what is wrong with me, but men irritate me these days and I have no tolerance. The guy IMs me and it starts out innocent enough. He asks me how I'm doing and how my day is going, which is a refreshing change from the "Your sexy" opening line. I told him I was good and asked him how he was doing and he took that opportunity to tell me how he wasn't so good and he couldn't wait to get out of Georgia because people are so judgmental. I didn't even get a chance to ask him why (I really didn't want to ask him why either but I'm a courteous person) when he tells me that his wife died and his family doesn't like his parenting skills and he just wants to go somewhere away from everyone so he can raise his kids in peace. Wow. TMI for the first minute that you've never talked to me. My short answers to him after that most likely indicated to him that he probably shouldn't have gone there right away because he tried changing the subject. But it was too late. He already ruined things. Why can't I meet someone normal?

Am I even open to meeting anyone? It doesn't seem like it....otherwise I would give people a chance instead of finding things that irritate me about them.

The Time of My Life

2009-05-02T21:54:00.010-04:00

I went to New Hampshire yesterday to see my all time favorite lead singer, Bret Michaels. I had the time of my life! My two girlfriends and I took the day off and set out on our 4 hour drive yesterday morning. I couldn't wait to get there, even though I knew I had a long time of standing around and waiting ahead of me. Bret Michaels is SO worth it. I hoped to get there early afternoon so I could grab spot #1 outside and camp there for the day. We ended up leaving around 11 and got there about 3:00. There was about 15-20 ahead of us and I was ok with that.

We met some really cool people in line also. Everyone was genuinely surprised that we would travel from New York just to see the show. Why not???? It was finally time to go in and much to my pleasure, we got right up front. There was only one group of girls in front of us but I parked myself right in front of Bret's microphone stand.

I never thought I would be one of these types of fans, but when I realized how close to "the man" I would be, I almost felt like I wanted to cry. I was SO excited. Anyway the first band, Resin, was actually pretty good. There songs kind of stuck with me, they had a nice melody. The lead singer was pretty easy on the eyes too.

But he's nowhere near as good looking as Bret Michaels. That man is BEE-YOU-TEE-FUL!

But the best part of the show was when Bret kept looking at me and pointing at me. One of the times he looked at me I told him I loved him (LOL) and I'm sure he hears that all the time but when he saw me yell it to him, he got this huge smile. I was in heaven.

The only thing I would change about the night is that I would have loved to stick around and meet him afterwards and get a picture with him. But I was so dehydrated and we were tired from the ride. From previous experience I knew it would take at least an hour or so before they came out, and then another hour to get through the group of people that was waiting around for him so we decided to leave.

Needless to say I will be looking to see what other shows might be close enough for me to go to! I think I'm becoming a groupie. :o)

Too much to ask?

2009-04-30T16:35:00.001-04:00

I've been wanting to write for a week but I've been so busy with school and other stuff, I haven't given myself the time to write. Officially school is over tomorrow. I still have a Quiz and a final project for Visual Basic to finish. I have a 20 page paper for a lit. class and I haven't started it or read anything I need for it. Ouch. I have an extension on both. Not very long but it's better than nothing.

Tomorrow the girls and I are headed to NH to see Bret Michaels again. I'm excited to do the road trip, excited to see his Sexxiness again and just to be off work and away from here. It's a nice distraction.

I fell in to McSouthern's trap again. He always manages to find a way to lure me in. Then I get comfortable with him and then he changes things again. He has a habit of being all over me for a couple weeks and then not bothering me the next. It's getting old. I just want someone for me. Someone who adores me. Is that so much to ask?

I will not let him get me down. No sir!

It's My Party and I'll Cry if I Want To...

2009-04-23T11:44:00.001-04:00

Today I'm hosting my very own pity party, complete with cussing, ranting, venting, mockery, sarcasm and childish tantrums. When I'm done, I will snap out of it. But now it's time to PARTY.

I suck. I suck at school work because I'm a lazy ass who puts my work off until the last minute, and then when the last minute rolls around I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off, trying to get everything done, doing it half-assed and wondering why I waited so long. Why did I wait so long anyway? Truth be told, I hate school. I work all day and I have a child. I resent having to take my free time reading stuff I don't want to read, and then writing papers about the shit that I don't want to read. I want to do other things....anything. Just not school work. Often times lately I thought, "what am I doing this for anyway?" The economy fucking sucks.....20 somethings fresh out of college can barely find jobs, what makes me think I'm going to be so special? Oh yeah plus I'm putting myself in more debt. Just what I need. But I can't stop now......well, I shouldn't anyway.

I suck at losing weight. I am working my ass off. I have been going to the gym every day, now switching it up until mornings. Up until this week, there was no way I could get out of bed to go to the gym. But thanks to my friend A, we have been motivating each other to wake up. So I'm burning tons of calories and I'm eating way better than I used to eat. Not perfect....but much, much better. I step on the scale this morning, I haven't lost anything this week. What the fuck? Yes there were a couple of times that I didn't do great, but it could have been worse. Yesterday I did eat more than usual, so I'm hoping that is why I didn't see a loss. This upcoming week I'm doing an experiment. I'm staying within a certain amount of calories, no junk and making sure I work out every day, just to see if I lose. If I don't, then I'm throwing my hands in the air and saying Fuck it! I will embrace my fatness and be happy eating what I want. Or fake being happy, either/or.

I'm hungry today and it won't go away. Not after the bowl of cereal I ate for breakfast, or the 1/2 cup pineapple I ate for snack, or the ham sandwich that I ate for lunch......an hour early......and I'm still hungry. I haven't been hungry like this in a while! I don't like it. It kind of hinders the whole weight loss thing. I'm annoyed. I want to eat what I want.

Needy Nate has calmed down on the texts and calls. In fact he left me alone for the most part the last two days, only sending me an email Tuesday night asking me how my day was and how my homework was coming. I also got an email this morning asking me if I'm ok. Am I ok???? Why? Because you didn't hear from me? What the fuck dude....you don't know me well enough to even care if I'm ok so what the fuck? I know I should type him an email letting him know I'm not in to this, I just have to think of what to say. Or just ignore, I don't know and don't care right now. He ruined it with his needy ways!!! I want to tell him to PISS OFF!
I will never again in my life suffocate someone via text & email.

One cool thing. Angelina Jolie and crew are here for the next couple of weeks shooting some scenes for a new movie she's doing called "Salt" They are doing car chase scenes on the bridges here right near where I work. The good part: I can see if from where I'm working. Bad part: My exit to get to work will be closed. Fun but what the fuck?

Oh one other thing......my bosses have had less meetings lately, which means they are here more. Which means I can't do whatever I want and have to pretend to be busy, look busy even when I'm not. I am lucky to have a job, yes. But fuck, sometimes I'm so bored I can't stand it.

Ok I'm done now.

Yeah, follow your instincts!

2009-04-22T21:40:00.003-04:00

Let's see.....8 emails and 12 texts later (all ignored) I haven't talked to the new guy since the day before yesterday, and that was only a response to his text saying I was at work and couldn't text (which he responded by sending me FOUR more texts....sheesh!) So this was a really good experience for me. Because I know with McS I had some of the same tendencies. The big difference though is that we were in a relationship, where as I barely knew the new guy. But I remember times that I would call McS and if I didn't hear from him within the hour, I would call him again. And then again....and then maybe send him a couple of texts.

WTF....I really did that? I realize now how annoying as hell that must have been. Obviously if a person wanted to talk, they would return the call right? Anyway this was a real eye opener and I will never, ever do the things I've done again in any relationships. I'm sure I'll find some other way to annoy the one I'm with, but that won't be one of the ways. :)

So There's This Guy...

2009-04-20T22:22:00.002-04:00

I recently started talking to a new guy. He's long distance (because I can never do anything simple like be with someone local who's emotionally available!) and I connected with him online. At first he kind of annoyed me because he would email me and then if he didn't hear from me within a few hours, he would email me back and ask if I was ok. Or he would apologize if he said anything to offend me. To me it felt like a bit much....but at the same time, didn't I want attention?

The other night I was in a mood and feeling kind of lonely, so I called him. He actually turned out to be very funny. We had a good conversation and the questions came up about our exes and why we were single. I told him about McS and he asked me if I was still in love with him. I lied and said no. But I still am. I'm ok with talking to other guys while I still feel something for him, because maybe I will find someone that will help me get over my feelings.

There are things about new guy that raise some red flags. What I just mentioned about him basically being up my ass, but also I get the feeling that he's someone that thinks a lot and maybe assumes things or comes up with scenarios as to why things are happening the way they are. Like he noticed that my emails to him usually came at the lunch or dinner hour and he wondered if maybe it was because I was really married and that was the only time I could get away to email him.

Huh?

Anyway so I'm keeping my eyes open with this one. If I'm seeing red flags now maybe that's a sign. Part of me wonders if it's just me. When I was with McS, there were times that he obviously didn't answer the phone because he didn't feel like talking to me. Or we would talk about getting together and he would always make a big deal about it, it was never yes. He always had to "see what was going on" in his life. These are the things that made me feel unwanted and honestly like I annoyed him. Now I'm getting the same type of feelings with new guy. When he texts me I look at the phone, see it's from him and honestly don't feel like texting him back. Or when he calls, sometimes I don't feel like picking up.

GASP! Is this what a normal person does? Maybe this is a good thing. Maybe this will teach me self control and that I can make myself unavailable (and at the same time, all that more appealing!!) and things will be ok.

I don't know, it's just weird being on this end of it. A good weird.

Other than that, I'm crazy busy finishing up my work for the semester that ends May 1st. I can't wait for it to be over!

Let's Play a Game called "Procrastination"

2009-04-15T00:00:00.002-04:00

I like to play that game because apparently I'm good at it. Like right now....I should be doing homework since the semester is dangerously close to being over and I'm not even half way through some of the work for my classes. But instead I'm here, writing a blog about procrastinating, or on myspace which is boring anyway, or staring into space thinking about how much work I have to do. I'm kind of over the homework thing! I'll probably be cramming all weekend when it's gorgeous out. That will teach me (though probably not!)

I had my step class tonight and I am worn out again. I remember the days when I was much lighter and I was doing "double time" in class with the fancy moves that made it extra fun. Now I stick to the basics, watch the clock and suffer through the backache I get. Don't get me wrong, I still love it. It gives me an awesome workout and it's fun. It will just be more fun when I have less weight to hoist on and off the step repeatedly.

So between work, working out and mommying, I don't have much else going on right now. I'm excited to go to NH at the end of the month with my two girlfriends to see Bret Michaels again. We decided to get a hotel room instead of trying to make the 4 hour trip home afterwards. That will make it even better. I think I'm looking forward to the experience just as much as seeing that yummy man on stage.

I'm getting tired and distracted now. Maybe I have ADD. Anyway I have to go find something else besides homework to do.

Short but Sweet!

2009-04-13T21:12:00.002-04:00

It's been too long since I've written! First I was avoiding coming here because I thought I should write about how McS did a complete turnaround, but then I was embarassed of myself because I let him in my life and I didn't really have any words for it. I do have words for it now but I'll have to try to write at work tomorrow because I'm crazy tired from working out, and I have homework to do.

It's crunch time again for school, the semester is ending in a month and I have a ton to do. I always wait until the last minute, I don't know why. Then the thought of school work consumes me. It's a vicious cycle!

My Second Chance!

2009-04-07T16:14:00.000-04:00

My two girlfriends and I decided to take a road trip on May 1st to New Hampshire.....to see Bret Michaels again!! Does that qualify me as a groupie? LOL As good of an attitude I had about what happened with my stupid shoes the other night, inside I felt a little bit bummed. So I started surfing to see if he was playing close and NH is it. It's about a 3 hour drive so we're all taking the day off and making a road trip out of it. I'm excited!!

It's almost time to get out of work, thank goodness! Although today wasn't a long day. I'm looking forward to my step aerobics class tonight even though after last Tuesday's class, I was sore and weak for the rest of the week. LOL Still it's a lot of fun and I managed to get my friend another guest pass so she can suffer with me. :o)

It was confirmed today that we will not be getting our yearly increment raises at work. At least not the group I belong to (I work for the state). It was decided that in lieu of layoffs, we could do without them. Which I can understand, I guess. I have job security though, so a raise would have been nice. But I'm actually keeping a pretty good attitude about it. I mean I know what my salary is and what I can spend. It's not like I'll be making any LESS money, just the same amount. Then some day I'll get a big fat retroactive check and will be very happy. So while some people are ticked about it, I'm really not. Slightly disappointed but I'm handling it like a champ.

My Rock of Love....and Big John too!

2009-04-05T09:11:00.006-04:00

Last night I went to see the Bret Michaels band at a local bar. It was the best and most disappointing experience! It was the best because it was Bret Michaels...hello! His show was awesome and he played some Poison songs and it was great to be able to be close enough to actually see him, his facial expressions and that sexy body gliding all over stage....LOL

It was also a great experience because I got to meet "Big John" from the show, he's Bret's road manager/body guard (I think) from the show. He was VERY COOL!

The show was awesome, the place was just big enough for a crowd but yet intimate affair. The people were cool, some were drunk and entertaining, some were young with stars in their eyes and some were older, dressing like they were younger and looking like groupies. It was all what I remember from back in the day!

It was disappointing because I'm the idiot that wore the wrong shoes. First I'll say that I thought the doors opened at 6:30 or 7:00. So we got there around 6:00 and stood in the line, waiting to get in. They didn't actually open the doors until almost 8:00 which would have been ok, except it was windy and freezing. I didn't mind that, I was excited and couldn't wait to get in and get the show started.

Then I realized there was another band opening up for Bret Michaels band, but it was cool because I got to see how close I would be to the man himself. I was pretty damn close....if there were rows, I would have been 4th row.

Not too shabby for $37. The problem was, as they made us wait for the band to start, my feet started hurting. They got worse by the second. So when the opening act was playing, I started to feel like my feet were going to catch on fire. Actually I was waiting for them to go numb so I could actually enjoy the show. But they never did go numb. The band played on and on....and on. Then I was actually getting irritated that they were going on so long, but that stemmed from the intense pain. The band FINALLY ends and I thought, cool. When Bret Micahels goes on I will forget all about my suffering and have a good time.

So they cleared the stage and started setting up for him and then some guy comes on and announces that it will be another 20 minutes before Bret comes on. At that very moment, a wave of nausea overtook me. I think it was either the pain or the fact that everyone started crowding in and pushing up against everyone to get closer. I was basically getting ass raped. Right at that moment, I knew I couldn't wait 20 minutes, much less the whole show. So I told my friend I had to go to the back and sit down. I told her to stay up there, I did not want her to miss out on that experience on the account of my foolish wardrobe choices!

I started to feel a little bit bummed but I decided to stay positive about it. I was still there to see my man and I was determined to have a good time, so I did. I had a couple of beers, sang along with all the songs and really enjoyed myself.

I will never ever wear boots of any kind again when going to a show. I thought wearing sneakers would look silly but many people did (except for the ones who dressed as though they had a date with Bret Michaels after the show! LOL) and that's what I'm going to do. This morning I feel like part of me gipped myself of the experience. So I got online to see if they were playing anywhere close again. I see that they are in NH on May 1st. I looked up the driving directions and that's only a few hours away. I'm thinking ROAD TRIP!! :O)

And the Survey Says....

2009-04-04T02:30:00.003-04:00

I'm bored, fighting sleep and haven't written in my blog today. Since I haven't done much of anything today, I decided to do a survey thingy from myspace.

How much older is the person you're currently interested in?
8 years older

Has anyone said they love you in the last week?
My son and my dad.....do they count?

Do you usually have weird dreams?
Every once in a while. I had one last week and I wonder about it's meaning.

Who do you have texts from in your inbox?
friends

Do you think that someone is thinking about you right now?
I don't think so.

Have you ever made anyone cry?
Yes, it's been a long time though.

How long do you have until your birthday?
4 months & 3 days

Who did you last talk to in person?
The lady at Fashion Bug

Will the next person you kiss be the same person you last kissed?
I have no idea, part of me wishes yes

Do you want your tongue pierced?
Ouch! No...

Are there any bruises on your body?
Yes there's one on my butt from when I had to park so close to the next car at the gym and had to squeeze between the cars to get out. LOL

Last awkward moment?
When my card got declined at Fashion Bug earlier tonight!

How late did you stay up last night?
Probably around 12:30 or so

Do you know anyone who has been arrested?
yes

When did you last cry?
Earlier today

How are you feeling?
Bored and a little lonely

If you look straight ahead past your computer screen, what do see?
The TV

Do you want someone to call you right now?
Yes but that's not going to happen, it's pretty late.

Last person you had a deep conversation with?
Judith

Do you miss someone?
Always....

Do you like someone?
Unfortunately yes

Do you like hugs?
I love hugs!

Are you a loud person?
Not at all, I'm pretty calm and quiet

Have you ever been given a rose?o
Of course

Have you ever found it hard to tell anyone you like them?
Back when I was a teenager, but not now.

Last July who was the love of of your life?
McS

What is your worst subject in school?
Math

Would you rather have long or short hair?
I like it long

When was the last time you really laughed?
On the phone a little while ago

Have you ever had a best friend who was of the opposite sex?
Yes, many

Did the one person who hurt you the most recently apologized?
No, he's not one to apologize. He gives reasons for doing what he does but never says "I'm sorry"

Where is your ex right now?
I don't know, either out or sleeping

What do you currently hear right now?
The TV and my fingers on the keyboard

Who did you last tell a secret to?
Its been a long time since I've had any secrets, so I don't know

Do you still talk to the person you had fallen hardest for?
Yes

What does your hair look like right now?
Messy, since I've been laying down

Has anyone ever broken your heart?
Yes, very much so

Is there anyone you trust 100%?
Yes, myself

Will your next kiss be a mistake?
No of my kisses are mistakes

Are you wearing any clothes that don’t belong to you?
No

Is the last person you hugged older than you?
No, I hugged my son last

Is there someone that you believe you will always be attracted to?
Yes unfortunately

What does the last text message in your inbox say, and who is it from?
"yeah but I could use the money too" from Amanda

Does anything hurt on your body right now?
My arms from doing weights 2 days ago

Do you wear your feelings all over your face?
Definitely

Who was the last person you cried in front of?
I don't remember.

Do you like your life?
Most parts of it

What are you most excited about?
Seeing Bret Michaels tomorrow night!

Have you told anyone you love them today?
My son

Do you believe that ex's can be friends?
Yes, depending on the people and the situation

Do people underestimate you?
I don't really know, maybe sometimes

Do you hate being alone?
Most of the time, no. Sometimes like Friday nights I do.

What is one thing you would love to happen tomorrow?
Meet Bret Michaels!

Do you have unlimited texting?
Yes

Does anyone call you babe?
Sometimes McS when we he gets off the phone

Did you kiss or hug anyone today?
Just my son....wasn't this question already asked?

Do you want someone back in your life?
Yes very much

Do you think you will be in a relationship three months from now?
No

Do you find it in your heart to forgive?
Yes, I'm better at forgiving than forgetting though

Do you believe in karma?100%

Name 5 things that are within your reach?
cell phonehome, remote, notebook, credit cards, wallet

Do you have a teddy bear?
Not anymore

When was the last time you consumed alcohol?
A few weeks ago.

*I am sleep now. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED*

Can I Borrow Someone's Boot?

2009-04-02T13:18:00.000-04:00

I'm still sore today. But I'll take this kind of sore for being overweight any day. I'm also in a funk today. I was fooling around with the camera the other night and took some pictures. Looking at those pictures reminded me that I need to keep working out and really focus on eating better. Today I'm afraid that I will never lose weight. I am afraid of that because sometimes when I'm done with lunch and I realize I am not satisfied and could eat more, that is a depressing thought. Also my night time snacking, while better than it was before, has not stopped. It doesn't happen every night anymore, but it happened last night.

Oh and what's with the fact that I came home from dinner at my dad's with three stuffed shells as leftovers and decided that I needed to eat them last night to finish them up so I won't have to deal with counting the calories on them another day? Why couldn't I just throw them out? Or save them for another meal? Because I didn't want to. I find creative (and sometimes not-so-creative) excuses not to do what I'm supposed to do. Then I end up feeling bad about it. I've been working my ass off at the gym, for what? To maintain. If I'm going to work out so much, I want to see results from it dammit! I'm pissed off at myself that I'm doing all this work just to make up for what I've eaten. I need to give myself a good swift kick in the pants.

No Pain, No Gain

2009-04-02T00:02:00.002-04:00

Step aerobiccs + extra pounds + 24 hours = PAIN. I don't mind this kind of pain though because I know I'm benefitting from it. But boy am I sore since last night. Getting up from the couch or my chair at work today after sitting for long periods proved to be painful! I loved the class though. I did great with the choreography....all the moves I once knew came back to me. But my legs and back were killing me so I didn't enjoy it to the fullest but I had fun. I'm doing it again next week. I'm also proud of myself for working out today despite my pain and the fact that I went to bed at 2:30 a.m. last night. I don't know why I torture myself like that!

This is going to be a shortie....I'm beat and making it an early night.

She's a maniac, maniac on the run...

2009-03-31T16:23:00.001-04:00

Last night I was in a real funk. I was feeling kind of down. I inadvertently found out that McS "might" be talking to someone....someone that is not his girlfriend but that is also long distance. That put me in a real funk because I realize that even if he didn't have his girlfriend (which I'm not sure that has one. There's no way for me to know because I refuse to ask. I don't want to ask because it's not my business and whenever I get inquisitive I usually either end up in trouble, getting an answer that I don't want, or just hurt. Anyway so things just seem to point to the fact that he's talking to someone else and I got mad. But I was a good girl and didn't reach out to him....no calls or texts. I just kept it to myself. Mainly because I have no right to say anything, but also I don't know if it's true or not. If I call him out on it. he could prove me wrong so easily and then it looks like I'm the bad guy who's checking up on him.

So I cursed him to myself, I told myself that I hated him. I wrote in my personal journal and I told it that I never wanted to speak to him again. And I was ok with that. I figured my life would be better. I didn't shed a single tear. Then late last night he calls me and I don't say a word. I act like everything is great. Then we have a good talk, everything is pleasant and I hang up the phone loving him again. W T F? What is wrong with me, seriously? In all of my life, I've never been so attached to a person. Even the guy years ago that wanted to marry me. Before McS, he was the love of my life. But when that ended, yes it was hard and took some time. But I got over it. I'm not getting over this and I don't fucking know why. I actually irritate myself sometimes. What is it going to take? The guy basically dumped me for another woman. And he might be talking to someone else. So what does he have to do? Smack me around to get me to leave this alone? Ugh. Seriously, I'm getting annoyed with myself and frustrated that I can't get myself to kick him out of my life!

Other than my frustration I am actually good today. Sadly, I attribute some of that to last night's conversation. But I'm also looking forward to a step aerobics class tonight. I joined another gym (now I have two memberships, crazy me!) and now I get to do classes which will leave me gagging and gasping for air by mid-class. Gagging + gasping = great workout = weight loss. Woo Hoo!

Minor setbacks

2009-03-28T15:34:00.002-04:00

I stumbled across the journal that I kept for my Women's Journals and Diaries class that I took last year. I made the mistake of reading through it. It took me back to the time last year in the couple of months before things went sour with McS. There were so many entries where I talked about us having a fight or about him being distant. I even questioned in there if he had found someone else. He did of course, I should have known. But even then he denied that it was anything serious and he didn't want to "rule me out" as he put it.

Sigh. It made me feel kind of bad after I read it and I did what I normally do and crawled under my covers to take a nap. I was tired anyway. But fortunately my silly cat kept me awake and so I snapped out of my funk, took a shower and feel much better now. I can't change what happened, I can only change how I handle things NOW. So, I guess that's a nice reality for me. But I won't be reading anymore journal entries any time soon. :o)

Zzzzz

2009-03-27T23:29:00.002-04:00

Today was a pretty low-key day, not that I mind. I had the day off which was great! I like to tell myself that I earned it since I've been alone in the office most of the month. My intention was to get out today and do fun things with my son since he had the day off too. But it turned in to a morning of errands, then I took him to lunch and by the time I was done stuffing myself (ugh) the effects of sleeping only a few hours last night caught up with me. I took a long afternoon nap and chilled the rest of the day. Now I'm tired again and as much as I love staying up all hours of the night I think I'm going to turn in early tonight.

So even though I have nothing new or interesting to report but I have to say life is GOOD!

An Old Flame...

2009-03-26T13:32:00.002-04:00

An old flame is coming to town next weekend....and his name is Bret Michaels. Ok, so he's a fantasy flame. Shut up! I'm entitled to dream. After suffering a little bit of disappointment earlier this week when I decided I will NOT be paying $129.00 + tax to see Cheap Trick, Poison and Def Leppard this summer, I learned today that Bret Michaels and his other band will coming next weekend and I will only have to pay $35.00 to see my hunka hunka burning love. I didn't want to see Cheap Trick or Def Leppard anyway, so there! I'm waiting to hear if a friend of mine can go with me but if she can't, I am more than willing and happy to enjoy the show on my own. I would not miss this for the world plus I'm still really focused on ME and doing things to make me feel good and happy.

Anyway, Poison and I go way back. Back to 1988 I believe, when they were one of the hottest and prettiest glam bands around. I did not fall in love with Bret Michaels at that time though. He was too pretty for me and I didn't want to look like the guy in my relationship. But after he wiped off most of his make up and washed out a majority of hairspray, that is when I fell in love. Plus I've always loved their music and I later proved that I would do almost anything to see them. Twice in one week during college in 1990, my two friends and I traveled across the state to attend their concerts....without any money or tickets. If memory serves me correctly, we either won tickets or bought them for the first show in Syracuse. We had enough for a tank of gas to get us there and back. We had an awesome time at the show and came back to the dorms feeling like we were on top of the world. I could have sworn too that Bret was looking at me when he sang. He did, he really did! LOL

We learned that Poison was playing a few days later even further out west in Buffalo. I convinced my friends that we needed to go again. I begged, pleaded, cried and chanted "Poison! Poison!" and I finally got my way. With no money or tickets, we headed out on what was supposed to be a 4 hour trip. My friend wrote a check to fill up the tank with gas, we got some snacks and off we went. Several wrong turns and SEVEN hours later we finally made it. We get up to the ticket counter to buy our tickets.....with a check.....and were told they don't accept checks. I think we got the deer-in-headlights look before we started begging unsuccessfully.

We left the ticket area, defeated. But not completely. My friend had the idea that we should go around to the back of the building where she thought the tour bus would pull in, so we did. Nobody was there so we waited. Then a few other people showed up and finally the tour bus showed up. The band gets off the bus and my friend starts screaming to them that they wouldn't let us in to the show and could they help us. They motioned for us to come closer and she took off running toward them. My friend and were embarassed and afraid so we stayed behind the gates. My other friend comes back a few moments later and told us we were "in"! Oh the joy! CC DeVille told us to wait there and they will get us in. About an hour goes by and by then we thought he had played a cruel joke on us. But we were determined to see them so we waited. Finally one of the backstage managers got us and told us to come with them. He brought us to our seats which were on the side of the stage, but close. (I learned later that were seated in the slut/groupie section, but was so thankful we didn't have to perform any favors for getting in to the show LOL) It was awesome! We even met Bret afterwards at his bus where he was signing autographs. I wanted to take him right there and make babies with him. Sigh.

One other glorious moment was when I was the "Win a Phone Call from Poison" contest in Metal Edge magazine. When entering the contest, it asked me who I would want to call me if I won. I put down Bret Michaels (duh!) Months later, I learned that I won! Even more months later I got the call from their manager who told me Bret would not be able to call me, but Rikki Rocket would. I was bummed but excited anyway. Rikki talked to me for a good 20 minutes or so and I was able to wrangle more concert tickets from him for that summer. We met him and I met Bret again and I've been in love ever since. Even through their breakups and hiatuses I never forgot them.

I'm no longer really a fan of rock and roll.....but Poison will be my favorite band forever and ever! I can't wait until next weekend!

R.I.P.

2009-03-25T22:40:00.004-04:00

There are those moments in life that can snap you back in to reality. It's what you do with those moments that matter. As much as I've been stressing out over my son not doing what he is supposed to do in school (which is still a big deal) and then not being on the track team like I asked him to, a shocking thing happened which jerked me back in to reality.

A 17 year old boy that my son played baseball with for two years died this past weekend. He went in to the hospital with pneumonia last week and while he was there, he contracted a form of staph infection and died. It's shocking and devastating. Not that any type of death is easier to deal with, but it's just so out there and tragic and I can't even begin to imagine what his parents are going through right now. I can't imagine what it would be like to have my child here one day and gone the next.....or the confusion and rage they feel over something so senseless and avoidable.

One of my biggest fears is something happening to my son. So if he doesn't want to be on the track team, doesn't want to clean his room, plays too many video games, doesn't clean up after himself or sometimes acts like the laziest kid I know....I have to remember that he is still here. Most of the other stuff doesn't matter. It's easy to get caught up in life and forget these little reminders but I'm going to try like hell not to. I gave my boy extra hugs today and thank God I have the opportunity to do that.

R.I.P. Kyle Gagnon.....you are missed by many.

Oh the Memories...

2009-03-24T11:43:00.002-04:00

Oh the memories

I went to my friends house on Friday night. She had been promising me for months to dig out this notebook that we used to write in during our business class in high school. I actually remember those days. It started out with me writing her a 'poem'.....at least she thought it was and that I had to inform her sadly that I wrote the lyrics to the "Golden Girls" (LMAO)

Thank you for being a friend
Travel down the road and back again
Your heart is true
Your a pal and a confidante

And if you threw a party
Invited everyone you knew
You would see
The biggest gift would be from me
And the card attached would say...
Thank you for being a friend

Looking back at the stuff I realize I was as much of a character then as I was now. Sometimes I don't give myself enough credit. I have a great personality and an awesome sense of humor! How could anyone NOT love me? ;o)

This weekend was busy. Saturday I worked out with my friend. Then later in the day I went to the mall to look for a new laptop. I was set on getting a mini laptop until I realized that the cost of that plus an external CD/DVD drive that I need, would equal the cost of a laptop they had on sale. So I walked out with a $430 Compaq and I love it! When I get some extra money I'll get my other one cleaned up and give one of the two to my son. After that I went and had dinner by myself at Sbarro's while I waited for the movie "He's Not That Into You" It was really cute! Some of it was a little far fetched.....like portraying the idea that women sit there and stare at the phone, waiting for the guy to fall. Do women really do that? Because I think I take the cake as far as being available (not a good thing!) for a guy but I never sit and stare at the phone. LOL But over all it was really cute. I also realized that I doing dinner and movies by myself sometimes!

Sunday was a total lazy day. I had every intention of going out, but I had one of my dark days and instead of fighting it, I just stayed in and did stuff around the house.

I've been doing good with working out, terrible with eating. Why can't I have both at the same time? I desperately want to lose weight but right now all I'm doing is maintaining. GRRRRRR

Parenthood

2009-03-18T13:22:00.003-04:00

I've been a parent for almost 16 years and honestly it's been easy. My son never gave me any problems, even as a baby. He never went through terrible 2's or gave me attitude about anything. Even now, he's really good for the most part.

However....

I don't think I've known a more lazy kid in my life. He does not want to do anything but watch TV and play video games. He is a quiet kid, very likeable and has plenty of friends at school. But that's where it ends. He never has friends over and doesn't really care to. He is painfully shy when it comes to meeting new people. He hates entering new situations because he feels embarassed. I sooooo remember being embarassed as a teen, but not that bad.

He tried out for the JV team this year but did not make it because there were so many kids trying out. Because of his anti-social behavior, I told him he has to try for another sport or a club. The only other sport is track, and they don't cut anyone. He was adamantly against it. I told him to at least check it out, and one of his friends on the team will even bring him to the coach. Do you think he could have done that? No. Then on top of that, he gives me attitude about it!

He's such a good kid, but I am beginning to see that my days are easy parenting may be coming to an end.

I'll take an order of Excitement to go, please...

2009-03-16T16:20:00.002-04:00

Another one of my new goals is not to mention a certain person in this blog anymore. At least not until I can do so without caring. Now it's going to be all about ME.

Today was a long day to get through. Just feeling mopey but doing ok with it. I brought my gym clothes with me and I'll be meeting my friend after work. I already can't wait to get that over with, but I know I will feel great that I did it. I'm toying with the idea of having a 2nd gym membership. My current gym does not have any classes and I really miss doing step aerobics. There's another gym that I could join and I would be paying $19.99 for each. I wouldn't give up my current membership because that is where my friend belongs and I will still like the option of going with her. I have to think about it more though. I need variety in my workouts. I figure a few days a week on the machines and a few doing classes would be perfect!

I need more excitement in my life. There has to be something more than getting up, going to work, working out, coming home and being a mom and watching TV. I would love to plan a trip, even a weekend trip with my son. But I don't really have the money. I desperately need a new car by the end of the year and all the money I have in savings will go to that.....if I don't keep dipping in to it, that is. I'm going to do some research and see what I can come up with.

Second Job

2009-03-15T11:00:00.003-04:00

Since my newfound dedication to MYSELF...I'm realizing it's like a second job. It actually takes effort to think about my own needs, and staying positive and not dwelling on what's wrong. But I think so far I'm doing ok.

I do wake up in the morning and I think about McS. Yesterday morning I awoke from dreaming all night about him. They were intimate dreams too...ugh...and seemed very 'real'. I never have dreams like that.....I wonder why now? Am I being tested? GRRRR

This morning again I thought about him and it wasn't easy to shift the focus so I sat down and drafted an email.....but I'm not going to send it. Go me! I don't want to be the person anymore that shares every single thing I am thinking. That's what got me in to trouble sometimes. So just because I have feelings, it doesn't mean I have to share them. I want to be like a guy, darnit. LOL!

Yesterday I got out of the house for the day. I had coffee in the morning and then started feeling like I was getting too comfortable being lazy, so I put my workout clothes on and headed to the gym. I came home and took a shower and my son and I went to the movies. We went to see "Last House on the Left" which was good, but I did not expect it to be so gory and graphic. I didn't know much about the movie but I thought it was more of a horror film. It wasn't and I must admit some of the content kind of embarassed me as I was sitting next to my son. LOL But we had a good time. We walked the mall after and then I relaxed the rest of the day.

Getting out and doing things is such a good way to take my mind off what's going on. So many times I have been at home on the weekends just doing stuff around the house but my mind was very active. I over thought things, I tended to focus on everything that was going wrong and it's just not healthy. I'm taking it day-by-day and hoping I can keep this up because I'm really liking the new me.

"Me" Overhaul

2009-03-13T10:08:00.002-04:00

I've done a lot of self-reflecting lately due to some things that have been going on in my life. I've pondered why I put myself in situations that aren't good for me, and why I keep repeating the same mistakes over and over. I've come to the conclusion that I need to make some changes within myself in order to not only be happy and healthy, but also to get the things I want in life.

I've known for a long, long time that I have a low self esteem. Somewhere along the line I convinced myself that I am not good enough for any guy. Through that, I have managed to settle for far less than I deserve and have thought it was ok because at least I was getting a little bit of what I wanted.

But it's not ok. I deserve to love myself. I deserve to feel good about myself and to feel worthy of any man. I deserve to feel confident and to be treated right. I deserve to tell myself when something isn't good enough for me. I deserve to have someone give their all to me for a change. But I can't get any of those things unless I work on myself first.

So last night I developed a check list of things I need to do for myself to start to feel better. It's not necessarily in order except for the first one.

1. Diet/exercise - Work out at least 5 days/week. Stop obsessing about eating right and just eat what I know I should be eating. Don't eat for taste, eat to live.

2. Be positive - I tend to think negatively about a lot of things because it keeps me from being disappointed.

3. Stop agonizing over the things I cannot change/Let go of the past. Also included with this is to stop being the "victim" and crying about how I've been "wronged" in my past relationships. Bad things can happen to good people, time to get over it and learn from my mistakes!

4. Stop looking for trouble - when I'm in a relationship I tend to start looking for things to be wrong because that is all I have been used to. I need to stop doing that and live in the moment.

5. Give myself things to look forward to - big or small....movies, shopping trips, vacations, etc.

6. Start getting out more - with friends and by myself. It doesn't necessarily need to be a bar, just to be out doing things I like to do.

7. Pamper myself to feel pretty - hair, mani/pedi and maybe even treat myself to a massage sometimes. Spend the extra money on the good makeup and other things that make me feel good.

8. Be more outgoing - Only people close to me know the real me. When I'm around people I don't know, I tend to be more of a chill person and I like to listen and observe rather than talk. I need to talk more and show people my true personality.

9. Start realizing that I don't have to settle, I deserve to be treated right! I need to stop allowing myself to be in situations that I know aren't good for me.

10. Stop being so available. Whenever I'm in a relationship or being pursued by a guy I'm always available. I never thought it to be a problem because I like to talk to and spend time with the person I'm seeing. But I don't always have to be around. I don't always have to pick up the phone whenever they call. I hear all the time that guys like a challenge and I need to be confident enough to know that if I'm not around, they won't just move on to the next person.

11. Filter how much I give of myself. I tend to go all out in my relationships right away and I think that most guys end up taking me for granted, even if they don't mean to. I fall too quickly and a relationship works best when both parties are on the same page.

12. Church - it might sound crazy but I think somehow my life will be better if I focus a little more on my relationship with God. I won't promise myself to go to church every Sunday but I would like to start praying more and not just for selfish things. I also would like to start reading the bible. I've set a goal to read the bible I have at home now from cover to cover. Then maybe when I'm done with that, I would like to get another version.

So that's what I have come up with so far. I really want to do this for myself so I can live a better life.

Maybe I Was Hasty...

2009-03-05T09:28:00.003-05:00

It wouldn't be the first time that I was hasty or made a rash judgement, and I'm sure it won't be the last. I laugh now about my "Bachelor" post the other night because I was so passionate about it, like I was the one that Jason broke up with on National television. LOL Hey what can I say, I love my shows...they are my entertainment. I'm also a pro at getting my heart broken, so I know what Melissa was going through.

But later on that night, I watched Jason's interview with Jimmy Kimmel and at first it was him saying the same old stuff. "I had to follow my heart" "I had to do what was right for me" "Melissa is a perfect girl, I hated hurting her". Blah, blah, blah. I didn't care about any of those things. I wanted to know WHY he did it in public. Finally Jimmy Kimmel asked that question. Why did you do it on national television? Jason's response was "I had to". While he didn't come right out and say that ABC made him do it, he did say that his relationships with all of the women were on television, and he had to do what he did on TV. So, I don't know if the whole thing was staged and he was never really going to be with Melissa, or if the producers of the show told Jason to break up with her on TV when they heard things going well. Either way I can understand better now and my anger (LOL) shouldn't be at Jason, it should be at the producers of the show. Talk about steeping to low levels just for ratings!! I don't know if I will watch the show anymore. Sure, I like drama......but if it's all a set up, what's the point of watching?

Anyway, enough of that rubbish. I was going to write more about what was going on in my life with McS, as things took a turn for the worst but I'm not going to go into. I'm dumb for trying to be friends with him after he broke my heart. I'm dumb for knowing he's selfish and accepting it. And now I have ruined things by being psycho to him and he isn't speaking to me and probably never will again. It hurts so much right now. I got drunk last night by myself. It made me feel relaxed, except I think I had one beer too many because I felt a tiny bit hungover. Tonight I will have one less. I don't know how people get drunk night after night, I don't think I could handle it. But I could really see how someone could become an alcoholic though. It makes pain more tolerable.

In the long run this is probably for the best. I just wish the "long run" would get here quick.

I'm so glad that I have tomorrow off and am leaving early today!! That does bring me happiness. I'm supposed to meet up with two friends I haven't seen in ages tomorrow. I hope I feel up for going. I've cancelled way too many times because of whatever was going on in my life at the time.

I know I need to make some changes and get myself together. It's taking the first step that is the hard part.