Meh.

So far today was a successful eating day. I didn't do anything bad which is a nice change. I don't know about exercise though. I'm feeling blah today and when I feel like this, I know I should work out but I get so tired and unmotivated.

True to Myself

I went to zumba for the first time in almost 2 months. I forgot how fun it was! Thankfully it was only a 45 minute class tonight and for some reason the order of the songs made it so that there was a slow song at the end before the oool down. Normally I wouldn't have been glad for that. I want to be out of breath and almost physically unable to move by the time the cool down begins. I say I'm thankful because I don't know if I could have handled that tonight. Anyway I felt great afterwards but apparently not great enough since I sabotaged myself later.

Dinner was salisbury steak, mashed potatoes and corn. Generous helpings too, I might add. And I may as well come clean and say that I finished up the rest of the chocolate cream pie so that I could be done with it. I called my son earlier in the day and I told him to take what he wanted to to throw the rest out. He forgot to throw the rest out and as I'm cooling down in zumba I started thinking about the pie. Am I really that pathetic? I should have thrown it out but I didn't. What's done is done and I can't change it so I'll chalk this up to an unsuccessful day and move on. Tomorrow will be better. My plan is to wake up early and do a Walk Away the Pounds DVD and then some form of exercise in the evening. Tomorrow I would like to write up a schedule for myself for what workouts I'm going to do each day. I'm also going to begin entering my foods on sparkpeople.com again. I love that site.

Loose Change

I need a new name for my blog. It gets absolutely no traffic, although I did have a very awesome viewer but I think her blog is gone. Anyway my goal is to come up with something catchy but relevant for people that search. It should be something about weight loss since that is what I would like to work on most. So over the next few days I will be thinking about it.

That's all I have.
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Ok I gave it a little bit of thought and I added a new title to my blog and changed the layout. My new blog will contain the same type of random stuff that I've been blogging about since I started. But since I am (again) putting my best foot forward in trying to lose weight and be healthy, I will add stuff about my progress towards a healthier lifestyle. I'm kind of excited!

Teaching An Old Dog New Tricks

I have a bad habit of needing to know things. Even if those things are ones that will hurt me, I will still aim to find out the truth. Sometimes I feel like I'm obsessed with finding out the truth because I hate being lied to. But what when it comes down to it, the truth that I try so hard to seek does nothing but hurt me and make me feel bad. I guess what I fear most though is that I will go on living my life and thinking that everything is ok, and the rug will be ripped out from under me like it has so many other times in my life. I don't like surprises, especially bad ones so I feel the need to always know what is going on around me even if I don't like it.

So is it really worth it? Is ignorance really bliss? I'm starting to think that maybe it is. I think it's time that I try to stop figuring things out and let life happen. It's going to happen anyway whether I look for it or not. I'm sure it's not going to be easy abandoning some of my habits and I'm also sure that I'll stumble along the way, but I can at least TRY.

Other than this little revelation, today has been an unproductive day. I slept most of the day which made up for my lack of sleep all week. I kind of feel bad for sleeping the day away but I needed it. Let's hope the upcoming work week brings more sleep than the last one. Cheers!

Cocka Doodle Doo

TGIF!! My day started out kind of fun today. The guy across the street has an assortment of animals from dogs and cats to ducks and roosters. I feel I should mention that I don't live in the country, on a farm or anywhere near farms. I live in a residential neighborhood on a mildly busy street which leads to a major interstate. Why he decided to have ducks and roosters, I don't know. I do know that he doesn't have any kind of fence around his hard and all of the animals....except for the dog.......are free to roam the neighborhood. I've seen the duck family on more than one occassion in the middle of the road with cars waiting patiently for them to cross.

I get a kick out of the rooster though when I hear him. Thankfully I sleep with the fan on so he doesn't wake me up. But he's not partial to just mornings, he will do his thing whenever he feels like it. I've never seen him go any further than his side of the road, until today. I went to the convenient store which is located two doors down from me and directly across the street from the farm animals. I pull in.....and who is parked in one of the parking spots taking in the scenery? The rooster. Just standing there, chilling. Trying to go unnoticed which wasn't happening. I went in to the store and got my coffee and when I came out, I just had to take a picture of the little guy.

At that point he moved up to the sidewalk and he had found something to ruffle his feathers at, literally. I wasn't sure what is was, but I didn't want to find out so I walked around the other cars away from him to get to my own car. It does bug me though that the guy can't bother to put up a fence in the yard to keep the animals safe. Then again, this is the same guy who used to leave his dog tied up outside all day every day, including the dead of winter. I think he got in trouble for that. But farm animals must be ok here. (?)

I've Fallen...But I Will Get Up!

People never cease to amaze me. It's funny how when we meet someone for the first time you have a totally different opinion on who they are as people. As time goes on though, depending on the type of relationship you have with them, you start to see other parts of the person that perhaps you didn't know existed. I almost wish there wasn't such thing as a "first impression" because typically they are wrong. In the first impression, you don't get to see the bad parts. You don't get to glimpse in their past to see how they've lived their life. You only get to see what they want you to see, and many times that can be extremely deceiving.

I've learned over the past several few years that even good people can turn your world upside down. I've learned that genuine and giving people can also rip the rug right out from under you if it means getting what they want. Unfortunately, experiencing these things first hand has made me a harder person. It's made me want to put up walls that I would never have put up before. I don't understand how people can be so self serving without a thought or care about others whom their actions may effect. I'm a people pleaser. I like to please myself, sure....but I also like to please others and make sure that my actions don't hurt them whenever possible.

Maybe I should start to be a little more self serving and get the things I want and need and not really care as much about what other people may think or feel about it. I'm saying EVERYONE, I'm really just speaking about people that have proven to be out for themselves.

This all stems from a few weeks ago when, the night before my trip down south to see Scott and then my mother, Scott calls to tell me that he's got too much going on and I can't come. Seriously. He rocked my world that night. He proved to me that at any given moment in life, if it serves him or allows him to get what he wants, he will hurt me. That is a scary fact. Of course the next day he changed his mind but it was too late. I did not let him thwart my plans and I booked a bus trip straight to my mothers (that's another hellish story later).

Against my better judgement, I did stop by on the way back for a day. I wanted to get my closure, and I ended up remembering how nice it was to hang out with him. If I was smart, I would have skipped it all together but I did not want any regrets. I think I would have always wondered "what if"? Since I've seen him, I've been extremely forgiving and trying to put what he did out of my head. But on days like today, I can't do that. I still harbor a little bit of anger and disappointment over it. I'm not sure that will ever go away - basically because I know he could do that again.

I wonder if he realizes how lucky he is to have me in his life? It doesn't feel that way and the only time he ever shows any type of appreciation for me is when he's threatened by any other attention I'm getting here. It stinks. I wish I could just break free for good. Maybe soon.

U.S.A.

How can anyone NOT be proud and excited about the US victory in today's world cup game??? Awesome, amazing, exciting. I can't wait to see how this progresses.

Other than that, today was a quiet, uneventful day. I got in to a flirty text session with someone from the past. Someone I've never been involved with, as the timing was never right. The timing isn't right either because I think he has a girlfriend. I know, I'm bad for even flirting with him. But I made it quite clear that I would not pursue anything with him as long as he was attached. I know what it's like to be cheated on and I will not take part of that. In fact, the next time he texts me I should just not answer. What is the point?

Sleepy Blog

I don't know why it is that I decide after weeks (months?) of not writing, that I need to write a blog at 1AM when I should be sleeping. I was crabby today due to lack of sleep, you would think I would learn a lesson.

I've been mostly out of touch lately, at least as far as the computer. I've been busying myself doing other things. One of which was going to GA to see my mom. Yay! I hadn't seen her in three years and that was way too long. The trip there was unforgettable....in a crappy kind of way but I'll save that for another day.

I have a break this summer from school which is GREAT. I wish I was done already, I hate every second of it. I hope something good comes from me getting a degree. With the rate that this economy is going, probably not. I've been thinking lately that New York sucks. Its bad every where but its ridiculous here. I keep thinking that when my son graduates I would like to move. But I know he will want to stay and I don't know if I could bare to leave him.

Thats it for now. No false promises to myself of consistent blogging. I will do what I can. I like to write, I don't know why I don't do it more often.

Out.