Positive Thoughts needed

I keep telling myself I will start blogging again soon, and I will. But today I saw a post on a blog and I felt compelled to post it.

My name is brandy. And I have a blog. (http://brainyjane22.wordpress.com/)

And a plea.

I use my blog to showcase the crazy I meet everyday, share the stories of the kids I teach and document my love for tequila, dairy products and the abdominal muscles of Ryan Reynolds. Rarely do I talk about personal issues on my blog- as personal as the dude that I adore (who I actually met through my blog- single ladies, let that be a very good reason to blog, the possibility of meeting someone as wonderful as my man), but I need your help. And it involves my dude.

He’s a guy who made math comics for my class, so they would love learning about addition. He’s the kinda guy who sends my friends gift cards when they are having hard times, who remembers every story I ever told him, who was the first person I celebrated with when I got a teaching job. He’s the guy who sent flowers to me at school- dozens of my favourite pink roses just because he loves me. He’s a guy who has spent a year patiently explaining (and re-explaining) everything there is to know about football during the important games when silence is preferred. He’s made me word puzzles and comics and stayed up late playing Scrabble with me (even though I beat him almost every time). He’s listened to me cry about school and family and jobs. He is everything I never knew I needed and everything I always knew I wanted.

The holidays have hit us hard. He’s recently been told he may have something called multiple myeloma- an incurable cancer, that gives a person an average of five years of continued life. Though this news has came as a shock, he continues to be exactly who has always been- spending his time worrying about me, rather than worrying about himself. He’s the most selfless individual I know- (he stayed late on Christmas Eve to work, so his co-workers could leave early) and a post like this would never be something that he would promote or encourage but when I’m overwhelmed and feeling helpless, the blogging community has always given me tremendous support and comfort, two things I desperately need at this time.

As I write this, the future is uncertain and we aren’t sure what’s happening. He’ll need to see an oncologist soon, to verify what’s going on in his body. My hope is that everyone who reads this think positive thoughts and if you are a person who prays, could you add him to your list? (You can refer to him as ‘brandy’s hot awesome dude’). If you don’t pray, please keep him in your heart.This cancer is only a possibility and I believe that the prayers and positive thoughts of people can make sure it never becomes a reality.

I want to give a big thank you to the blog owner who scraped their original blog plans and graciously put this up. My goal is to get as many people as possible to see and read this post. If you are reading this and want to help, copy and paste my plea into your blog or send a link through twitter, so more people can keep him in their thoughts. I would be so very grateful (even more grateful than I am to my friend who first showed me the picture of Ryan Reynolds on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. If you haven’t seen it, google it. You. Are. Welcome).

I realize this all sounds dramatic, a Lifetime movie in the making- but this is life. Right now. And I’m throwing away any hint of ego and am humbly asking for you to pray or think kind thoughts. If you are able to pass this on, thank you and if you know anything regarding MM- please email me (my email is on my blog). This isn’t a call for sympathy or a plea for pity. It’s just one girl hoping you can think positive thoughts for the person she adores. If my current heartache provides you with anything, let it be with the reminder that life is short, love is unbending and no one knows what could happen next. Maybe it is silly, but I really do believe that positive thoughts can make a huge difference. Thank you for reading this and if you haven’t already? Please tell someone you love them today.

I did.

Reminder to Self

I haven't been on here in FOREVER. Work, school, parenting and fitness have been kicking my butt and keeping me away. For the most part there's not a lot to tell. I do have an issue but I'll save that for tomorrow when I'm not tired. Tomorrow morning I'm getting up to do an 8AM workout at the gym followed by 9AM Zumba which I LOVE so much! 2 hours should justify me eating like a normal person for a day. Right? Let's hope!

My story

So I promised a story from my birthday. It's nothing that probably hasn't happened a million times, but nonetheless it was weird and awkward! I went to my sisters house the day after my birthday. She invited another couple over and they were really nice. The woman was super sweet, and the guy was the same and they made easy conversation. Throughout the course of the night, the guy kept finding ways to touch me. Whether it be kissing my hand, or walking by me and touching my shoulders or playing with my hair and yes he did it in front of his girlfriend. I just chalked it up to him being a nice person who's affectionate. The girlfriend didn't seem to mind. I'm not one to speak up about something that hasn't quite crossed the line, I don't like confrontations or drama.

At one point I went inside to use the bathroom and when I came outside, the girlfriend was giving my sister a shoulder massage. So I sat down, grabbed my beer and happily continued drinking. Suddenly, the guy announces that the birthday girl needed some special attention. He gets up and starts massaging my shoulders and neck. I said no, that's ok but he insisted. It was awkward because I don't enjoy getting touched by people I don't know LOL. But I stuck it out and hoped he wouldn't be too long. A little while later almost the same scenario occurred except this time the girl was giving my sister's husband a massage. Again I didn't think it was too weird......until again her boyfriend came over to me to do it again. And this time it wasn't a quickie. He lingered. He lingered long enough for his girlfriend to sit back down and grab a drink. He lingered so long that his girlfriend said (finally!) "ok babe you really need to stop now." Ummm yeah, ya think? I know I should have spoken up but it didn't really feel creepy....just weird. After that things kind of changed a bit. While she was still nice to me, she got kind of quiet and wanted to leave. She gets up to go to the bathroom and he follows her. They were in there for a while. Finally he exits the bathroom (I wondered if they had sex in there) just as I was coming in to get a drink. The bathroom was right off the kitchen but that didn't stop the guy from coming over to me to give me a hug.....and pulling me in for a kiss, while he's grabbing my ass of course. Whoa. WTF? I pushed him back, about to go off and he just smiles and walks away.

Seriously. That really irritated me that a) he would disrespect me like that to think that I would actually enjoy being manhandled and made out with while his girlfriend is in the next room and b) that he would disrespect his girlfriend like that. I said nothing and they left right after that, thank goodness. I don't like to generalize, but what is wrong with men??? Why do they find it so hard to be loyal and faithful to the one they are with? The person could be sweet, attractive, successful (like his girlfriend is) and that's not good enough? What is it about the penis that overrides all logic and sensibility? GRRRRRR. I was irritated for a ocuple of days about it, I'm not sure why I let it affect me like that. I'm over it now but still, I'd like to take that guy and give him a good swift kick in the ass!

I really wanted to make this light and funny, but I'm pretty tired right now. Long day, long weekend and ready to begin another week!

Lazy

I have no excuse for not writing other than laziness. The last time I wrote was the day before my birthday. I had a decent day although I got a slight case of food poisoning from dinner. But I made it out alive. I had an awkward experience the day after my birthday which I'll blog about next time. Other than that, I haven't had much excitement since then....which is not necessarily a bad thing!

A Year Ago

Before I start, I'll warn that most of this entry will be filled with negativity and explanations to why I had a crappy day. But don't worry, I'll throw in something positive at the end.

My day started out crappy when the alarm went off at 5:00 and I did not get up to work out for the second day in a row. I was tired, groggy and sneezy and I couldn't drag my lazy ass out of bed which ultimately led to guilt and digust with myself for once again starting something and failing a couple of days later. But I'm not one to beat myself up for too long. All I can do is keep *trying* (oh I hate that word!) and hope that I can become consistent with my efforts.

When I finally did wake up, my first thought was that tomorrow is my birthday. Lots of people would be excited about their birthday. I am not. I was supposed to be away for my birthday, seeing my mom and having a great time with a friend but that did not happen. And the feeling of not having "someone special" to share my birthday with plagued me all day. I was down and weepy at work and feeling sorry for myself. It was sickening actually, but I could not help myself.

Then I started thinking about a year ago today. One year ago today I was in a happy relationship....or so I thought. I had a guy who I thought loved me and that I would be with for a very long time. I think a year ago I was on the computer like I am now. Three hours from now will mark the one year anniversary of the worst day that I've had in a long time. That is when I found out that I was not actually in a happy relationship. The guy, Scott, was seeing someone else and in fact professing his love to her on myspace. I know...in the grand scheme of life this is really not that serious. I get that. But truly that night (and several nights after for months) I felt like someone kicked me in the stomach. This was a guy that I thought would NEVER do something like that to me. We had a lot of talks in great length about the kind of relationship we wanted. We talked about cheating and I told him how I just wanted one guy to feel that I am ENOUGH. I learned a year ago that I wasn't enough. And I learned it on my birthday.

Fast forward a year later. I'm much stronger than I was last year. I still have a big heart and when I love, I love hard. But I no longer see him as the perfect guy, and I should not have thought that anyway, as nobody is perfect. I no longer have that same adoration for him that I did prior to a year. I no longer make excuses for some of his behaviors and love him "regardless". I'm much stronger, a little more bitter and a lot more cautious. I still a weakness for him and since then we have still been talking and I have forgiven him, but have not forgotten. I would like to think that I have learned a lot from this experience with him, and something that I can take with me in to my next relationship....whenever that happens.

So now I'm sitting here a year later, not really looking forward to tomorrow but at the same time I'm very thankful to be alive and have made it through another year. Death does not discriminate against anyone or anything...not age, race, gender or religious beliefs. It can strike at any time and I would like to try to focus on that and the fact that I'm living and I'm healthy. Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day.

Sleeping Beauty

Tonight will be a short blog. The effects of waking up early the past 2 days have caught up to me and I'm wicked tired. I even had a forty five minute nap after work. I feel great during the day and I hope I can stick this out. It's all about the discipline and willpower! I know it sounds weird but I'm trying to look at myself in the mirror more. I'm good at ignoring looking at anything from my neck down and I'm not going to do that anymore.

My eyes are literally closing as I type this so, I'll call this one now. That's a wrap!

Hungry Eyes

Today started out with success and ended up......not so much. I got up to work out this morning. It was hard to get moving and I had conversations with myself, telling myself that it wouldn't hurt if I didn't go this morning, or I could just stay at home and do a work out DVD, but I knew I wouldn't get as good of a work out. So after some strong internal debate I went to the gym. I felt great after and I need to always remember that feeling whenever I start falling out of the habit.

As far as food, I did well all day. Around 2:00 though I got a headache and I felt really hungry. I stuck to my meals and snacks though. Then I got home and things went down hill. I forgot to take chicken out of the freezer and I didn't have anything else to make so I made pasta with meatballs. I ate too much pasta and I had my share of meatballs. Then later this evening I had 4 lemon cookies. Why? I don't know if the carb overload tonight made me crave sugar but I needed some.

So I'm not calling this day a success even though 75% of it was. But I'm not beating myself up either. I feel good having worked out and ate well all day. Tomorrow will be better. I took chicken out and have salad ready to go. My meals and snacks are made for tomorrow so all I have to do is wake up and begin tomorrow like I did today.

In the mean time, I am dog tired and will go to bed early!

Starting Fresh

After taking some pictures of myself yesterday, I realized that I'm not doing my body or health any justice by eating what I want and not working out. You would think that looking in the mirror would tell me that, except I don't look in the mirror except from the neck up. You would think that COMMON SENSE would tell me that, except I'm pretty good at ignoring common sense when I want to. But pictures...you can't hide from them, ignore them and they do not lie. It's time to snap out of this funk. It's time to stop feeding my moods and start feeding my health.

So I'm going to make (another) go of it and get up at 5AM tomorrow morning and work out. I would like to get up every day during the work week and work out because evenings I can find a dozen excuses, including it being too hot, to work out. If I can get it out of the way in the morning, that would be great. I also made my meals for tomorrow which aren't super perfect but I want to stay within a certain amount of calories. This week I'll be eating cereal for breakfast and then I'll have a sandwich cut in half, eating each half as a meal with either carrots or fruit and then a small salad with vinegar during the day. Dinners aren't planned but I'm going to behave. Not *try* to behave, I WILL behave. Enough is enough!

Reap What I Sow

I broke and called Scott. For 7 days I remained strong. I felt good at my peaks, and struggled through the valleys and during all of those times I did not call him. Friday I woke up at my lowest and I'm not sure why. Maybe it was because of the beginning of the weekend. Or maybe the two days off work gave me too much time to think. I called him to apologize for saying that I hated him. I don't like hating anyone, or using the word 'hate'. I did feel it though and I felt bad for saying it. Maybe I'm too nice. He told me he appreciated me saying that. And then he went on to blast me.

He told me I made way too much out of the myspace comment. He's not with his ex and it was just something he left for her. He said she knows the deal and knows they aren't together and that if the roles were reversed he would never flip over something like that. I suppose that's easy for him to say since I was always very respectful of him. I would never do anything like that.

Anyway after he blasted me, he had to get back to work. He ended up calling me later and I realized during that conversation that I'm on my way to getting over him anyway. Every time we have a blow up, it takes a lot out of me, including love I have for him. I still care about him but I don't have that same feeling I once had....and that is good! So I'm in a much better place today.

Today I treated myself to a haircut complete with coloring and highlighting.

You can't really see the highlights in this picture but they are there. Actually a lot was done to get it healthy looking again. I had too many light blonde highlights (a.k.a. bleach) in my hair from several months ago, so she colored me back to my original color and then did some random chunky higlights. She also cut almost 3 inches from my length. Yikes! I like it though, it will be much easier to manage.

Then I got my eyebrows and a pedicure done. I went for a hot pink for summer, with a design on the big toes. I love designs!

$195 later.....I'm feeling good! I did feel guilty about how expensive the hair was, but I desperately needed to get it healthy again. My mom and dad will give me birthday money next week so I'll put that back in the bank and consider this my present to myself.

All in all today was a good day!

Pepe Le Pew

I'm convinced that there is a family of skunks living in my yard. Every day for the last couple of months I've been graced with that wonderful scent of skunk. Occasionally during the day but mostly at night and in the wee hours of the morning. I'm kind of stuck with it too because I have to put a fan in my bedroom to keep it cool and of course that draws the scent in even quicker. I wish they would go tind another place to live, I'm kind of tired of waking up to it! One day I fear that I'll be walking out to my car to go to work and I'll get sprayed. From what I hear, when you get sprayed it stays on you for days unless you bathe in tomato juice. I can't stand either of those scents so I'm sure it would one giant gag fest.

Today was an ok day. I felt good knowing that I got to leave work at 3 to go to a dr. appointment and that I'm off the next two days. I hope I don't fall in to the same routine of hiding out in my room the whole weekend. I know it sounds crazy but sometimes I'm just not motivated to do anything, especially when I'm down and out. It actually takes effort to do something. That's how I feel lately, although I've tried a little bit. I really need to start working out again too. I've completely stopped that and abandoned any good eating habits I had a couple of months ago. I'm a disgusting blob.....you would think that would be enough to get me moving but so far it hasn't. I'm going to try to start up on it again this weekend.

Speaking of "trying"....I kind of hate that word. When I say I'm going to "try" to workout.....what does that mean? I either am or I'm not. What is the trying part? Scott used to always use that word, usually in the phrase "I'll try to call you later" Ummm, ok. Where does the trying part come in? You either call me or you don't. Unless of course you have broken all your fingers and nose and you have to dial with your toes. Then I can understand the use of the word "try" because I imagine that typing with your toes takes a little effort!

Twos Day

Today was an ok day. I had some moments again today but I seem to be getting through them ok. I talked to a couple of girlfriends today and they give me a fresh point of view and help me through my moments. They rock!

I got my new phone today....Samsung Behold.....and I love it! I have to call T-Mobile though because they promised me a free trial of internet on the phone and so far I'm not getting it. I had fun playing with it tonight when I got home from work and it kept my mind off things.

Starting tomorrow at 4:00 I'm done with work for the week and I'm excited about it! I hope I do ok all weekend, alone with my thoughts. I do plan an afternoon of beauty on the weekend though. My hair desperately needs cut and coloring and I'm going to get my nails, toes and brows done. It's been far too long since I've pampered myself and I'm looking forward to it! Other than that I don't have any plans right now but I need to make some before I end up hanging alone and drowning in my thoughts. That's never a good thing!

Another day

I'm glad that Monday is over! It wasn't anything bad in particular, I just wasn't in the mood to put on a pretend smile and act like everything is great...but I did. I had another blah day though. I wonder when it will get better. Tonight I started thinking about something that really bums me out. The biggest thing I'm going to miss about Scott is the chemistry we have. We have amazing chemistry and I've never felt more comfortable and free to be me with anyone else in my life. I know I should think positively but what if I never find that again? I don't think I will. It's taken me all this time to find that and now it's gone, he took that away from me.
I know I shouldn't care, but he hasn't tried to contact me either. That's probably a good thing but it affirms to me that I'm not as important as he made me out to be and now that he's declaring his love for his ex - whether they are together or not, I don't know - he really doesn't need me around anyway. Please jab the knife in my heart a little deeper.

Other than my crazy random thoughts it was a pretty quiet day. I'm taking off Thursday and Friday and I can't wait. I look forward to not having to put up a front and just be alone with my thoughts....or not think at all.

***In honor of thinking positively thanks to a kick ass chic***** (I don't know how to add her blog URL here or I would!) I want to give a shout out to a really good friend of mine. She's actually my best friend and she's always there for me especially during times like this and she let's me talk about it as much as I want to. Sometimes she gives me very tough love and is very harsh but generally when I'm feeling down and I want to talk about my feelings, she's there for me and she doesn't ever get "tired" of hearing me ponder the same things over and over. I'm grateful for her. She was even going to call HIM up and tell him off, and at first I agreed but thankfully I came to my senses and called off the dogs. LOL! She typed out what she was going to say and DAMN....she gives new meaning to ripping a new asshole. LOL But I don't need to go out like that. I've quietly disappeared and I think it's best that way.

Tomorrow is another day, it's supposed to be gorgeous and I'm one day closer to being over him. Yay!

One Day At A Time...

Yesterday was an ok. I didn't really feel too bad, and I got out and took my son to the movies. Today on the other hand I felt blah. I questioned why things happen the way they do. Why a good person like me who has such a huge heart can never find real love? But I know I'm not the only one in the world and I'm blessed with a well paying job, my health and a great kid. So who am I to complain? Still....I wish I had someone to call my own, someone to cherish me and treat me good. It bums me out. I will probably write about this every day for a while, but I will try not to dwell in each post.

I'm getting a new cell phone and I'm excited to get it, it will cheer me up. The unfortunate part of that is that it's going to add to my monthly bill since the new line with my old phone will be for my son. But still, I can't wait. I wanted to get it at the mall today but of course the T-Mobile store tries to hose you in to getting more services so I opted to do it over the phone AND pay $12 to have it express shipped hehe. That's the highlight of my life right now. Pathetic but true!

I can't wait to feel normal again....whatever normal is.

Random Thoughts

I think the key for me to deal with difficult things is to keep busy. When I'm home, I'm sitting around and thinking. Thinking about stuff I shouldn't be thinking about. When I'm doing things, it might still be on my mind a bit, but it's not constant and my mind is occupied with other things. So I need to allow myself more practice at keeping busy, even if it's the last thing I want to do.

Today I went and saw the movie "Orphan". It was pretty good! It was kind of long and a little bit slow in the beginning but it turned out to be good. I would definitely recommend it to anyone that may happen to stumble across my blog. After that I came home and haven't really done much of anything since then so then my mind's gone wondering...and not in a good place. I know I shouldn't hate anyone. It's a bad feeling to have for someone. But I hate him right now. I hate him for everything he's put me through and for being a cold hearted sonofabitch. I wish I never met him and I'm pretty proud of myself today for not crying over him. I think it really helped that I changed my cell phone number again so I do not expect him to call or care when he doesn't. I think when I can get past this and forget about him for the most part, one day I'll wonder why I stuck it out for so long. I can't wait for that!

Closing the Book

The final chapter in my shitty relationship with Scott (yeah I'm using his real name now) is done and I'm closing the book on it. I've said and thought this too many times but last night was the last straw. The first time he dumped me for someone else devastated me and almost broke me. But for reasons I still don't understand, I stuck around. I believed his lies and I ate up his words and the fact that he didn't want to lose me.

I believed him when he said he didn't love his ex anymore. I believed him when he said he loved me.

So why am I shocked and hurt that once again he showed me and the world his love for her on her myspace page? It sounds so stupid typing it, but it's not stupid to me. It hurt me again. It hurt me even more when I confronted him and he turned it around to something I did wrong. It hurt me that he fluffed it off and said "it's just a myspace comment". It's like deja-vu all over again and this time I'm not sticking around.

I'm down and out, I feel like shit and even cried at my desk at work and in my car at lunch. But this time it will not almost break me. It will be a long hard struggle because when I love, I love hard and I still love the asshole. But I will find a way to survive and come out stronger. I will find a way to eventually stop feeling like I'm not good enough and start feeling like it was HIM that wasn't good enough.

God please forgive me for the hate in my heart.

Committed

I've decided to commit myself (I could end this sentence here, but I won't) to blogging more often, even if it's about nothing. I feel better when I write. I do not, however, put my inner most thoughts on here....not usually anyway. So night after I blogged, I found myself wanting to write in my journal about what I was really thinking. But I was too tired and lazy to do so. I'm not really going to get all in to it, but I will say that for reasons I have no clue about, I still love the guy that broke my heart last year. We never stopped talking and for a long time I was able to bury those feelings for the most part. But recently they've resurfaced. I woke up this morning though, scared to death that he was going to hurt me like that again. Obviously no matter what happens, I will remain among the living and life will have to go on. But those were some of the darkest days of my life and I do not ever want to visit those feelings again. Still I can't shake the worry that has welled up inside of me.

Someone reading this may ask why then don't I just give him up if I have that much of a fear that he will hurt me? Well to be honest, I don't know how to give up on someone that I have so much feeling for, just based on a "what if". I don't want to regret anything later. So here I am, hoping and wishing for the best.

Bad, bad girl

I haven't blogged in ages and I really don't have a good excuse. I'm taking the summer off from school and I haven't been on vacation. I should be blogging. The only thing resembling an excuse that I could have if I wanted was the fact that they blocked blogs at work. That really annoyed me. That's where I did all of my blog reading and responding, as well as my own. Now I can't do any of it.

Anyway, nothing much new has happened since I last blogged anyway. I'm still talking to McS. We have our ups and downs, I'm trying to be on an up after a long time of really not feeling it anymore. But then we had a long talk and told me all of the things I needed to hear and I was sold...again. He is one person that makes me feel comfortable with myself. I'm overweight and he says I'm beautiful. I love to hear that. I'm sure that there are other guys that think that also, but none that I'm interested in.

I really have nothing new that I would like to report. Maybe that's another reason I haven't blogged. I lead a very quiet life!! In August I am going to NYC again with my friend to visit our college friend. I'm looking forward to that. And now that I'm not going on vacation, I should take a weekend and go somewhere. Some place inexpensive but fun and some place that my son would enjoy when he gets out of summer school. That really puts a damper on the summer and I hope it's his last year of being lazy.

Tis all for now.

WHY????

I had a whole post that I typed out at work in an email so I could copy and paste it here. But I forgot......I can't paste in blogger. WHY????? I wanted to vent about my bad day and this is the sprinkles on the icing of my cake.

That is all.

Week 1 Success

I have to write this quick because I'm late leaving for work already. But I had success with my first low carb week. I lost 7 lbs! I was actually at the 7 lb mark last Thursday and the scale hasn't moved since then (well, it went up once....what!) but I still consider it a success because a) "Auntie Flo" is in town and I have major bloatedness and b) I had a couple of minor slip ups on the weekend.

Yesterday morning I did not wake up to workout at the gym. So I came home and did 1/2 hour of aerobics. I didn't burn near as many calories but at least it was some movement. This morning I DID wake up but did not go to the gym because I was irritated at someone and lost in thought. But I plan on getting a walk in at lunch and another half hour tonight. I really need to start weights and even more so, I really need to start doing crunches.

I'm spending more money on food which I don't like. But I'm trying this lifestyle eating foods that I enjoy so it doesn't seem like a diet. If I keep this up, I'll be able to stick with it for a long time. Hopefully forever!

Off to work I go.... eh.

What the Funk???

I'm in a funk today. Actually for the past couple of days. I'm irritated, withdrawn and I just don't feel like dealing with any friend drama. Truth is, I'm lonely. I wish I had someone to love and that loved me back. I started thinking earlier tonight (big mistake!) that it's been a really long time since I had someone truly love me. Like since the early 2000-2001. When I was in that relationship, I knew the guy loved me. I mean he REALLY loved me, I never had to question that, no matter what kind of troubles we had. I miss the consistency of knowing that no matter what, I was loved and that nobody would ever take my place. I've had relationships since then and I haven't had that feeling. It's a pretty depressing thought.

I wonder when I will have that again....or if I will have it. The worst part is, I'm not really up for "looking" for a guy right now, I'm still hung up on McS. I'm also trying to work on myself, physically and emotionally, so that I can be prepared for my next relationship. So my only choices here are to fake the funk for a while and put myself out there to meet new people. Or I can be lonely and wait for the next guy to cross my path that really moves me. Ugh, who knows.