Making A List (Checking it Twice!)

Some good and bad things have happened this week that I have been dealing with. The good....I am currently writing up a proposal to my boss to request (and justify) being put in a Traineeship (higher level, more money!!!) when he retires. It's been exciting because I think I have a really good chance at getting it. My proposal is kick ass and if I end up getting it I will finally be free of the secretarial role and in headed on actual career path. In doing that, I also realized that if this happens for me, I will be making my life here. I do have a life here now but I always figured that after my son graduates, if I chose to I could really go wherever I want. If I head down this road, I will be here at least another few years, maybe longer if I advance to the next level after the Traineeship, which will keep me here an additional few years at least. I have mixed feelings only because I never pictured staying here forever. But I really don't know where I would go at this point. So that part is exciting but also scary....I wonder if I would be happy here FOREVER.

The bad....boys. What's new, right? I think this time is different in the way that I truly am tired of the situation that I've been in for almost 3 years. Waiting for a guy that thinks only about himself and cares about me when it's convenient for him. I've made excuses for him, overlooked things, bit my tongue and I'm tired. I'm tired of being unhappy and untrusting. I feel like something has changed in me because for the first time I feel I have nothing to say to him. I'm not looking for attention, or looking to piss him off, or looking to hurt him the way he's hurt me. I just want to be left alone. I don't want to think about him or wonder what he's doing and I want to live my life in peace. Even if it's alone. The weird part is I think it helped that he's tried a few times to get in touch with me and I have not opened the lines of communication. At least I know that he tried, even if it's too late.

Tomorrow I want to start using Sparkpeople again to track my food and exercise to keep me on track. I can't keep using excuses (like good and bad things happening) as my reason for "falling off the wagon". I will never get to goal like this, and I desperately need to get moving in the right direction. I caught a peek of myself in my full length mirror tonight and am horrified that the fattyness in my legs is creeping down to the knee area...GROSS. I'm done with that too.

FOCUS please!

Just a little bit of focus is all it takes for me to get back on track with my healthier way of life and weight loss. I had previously lost 7 lbs but then ruined it over the course of a week and a half, with bad eating and no workouts. Now since the weekend, I am back on track and all of the 7 lbs are still gone. I'm so happy about that. I've lived up to my commitment to myself to workout at least 30 minutes every day. So far so good! I do have a 2 hour zumba "party" on Friday so I'm thinking that 2 hours justifies me taking a break tomorrow....maybe. I'll have to see how it goes.

I haven't done any homework, I'm preparing for my upcoming trip (shopping, hair, nails, etc) and with work and parenting, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. It all has to get done. So I'm thinking a break tomorrow might be nice so that I can get homework done. Or if the weather is nice, maybe I can walk to the post office (all up hill) and get my workout in that way. Great idea, Gina!!!! There we go.

My trip is being postponed by a week because I didn't realize it was it Easter weekend and I really don't want to drive in all that traffic. That's ok too because that means I have an extra week of working out and preparing and all that fun stuff.

FOCUS.

Starting Fresh

After taking some pictures of myself yesterday, I realized that I'm not doing my body or health any justice by eating what I want and not working out. You would think that looking in the mirror would tell me that, except I don't look in the mirror except from the neck up. You would think that COMMON SENSE would tell me that, except I'm pretty good at ignoring common sense when I want to. But pictures...you can't hide from them, ignore them and they do not lie. It's time to snap out of this funk. It's time to stop feeding my moods and start feeding my health.

So I'm going to make (another) go of it and get up at 5AM tomorrow morning and work out. I would like to get up every day during the work week and work out because evenings I can find a dozen excuses, including it being too hot, to work out. If I can get it out of the way in the morning, that would be great. I also made my meals for tomorrow which aren't super perfect but I want to stay within a certain amount of calories. This week I'll be eating cereal for breakfast and then I'll have a sandwich cut in half, eating each half as a meal with either carrots or fruit and then a small salad with vinegar during the day. Dinners aren't planned but I'm going to behave. Not *try* to behave, I WILL behave. Enough is enough!

So yeah....

Last night/this morning I had one of those out-of-control moments that I really hope everyone has at some points in their lives.....or that will make me a real nutcase. Before during and after my last post I blew up McS's phone. I tried calling him and texting him and I got no response. At first it just started out wanting to have him make me feel better but then when I knew he was deliberately avoiding my calls, then it turned into rage. Rage because I am always there for him when he needs me, day or night...and rage because he's a cold-hearted sob, rage for so many other reasons. So I kept calling him and leaving texts. This morning also. That was my out-of-control behavior. I knew what I was doing was crazy and wrong but I didn't care. When he finally did pick up this morning he said that he knew I was calling him last night but he was tired and he thought I would be mad if he picked up the phone and said that he was too tired to talk. Which is untrue, I wouldn't be mad. But instead he just decides to let his phone ring and ring and ignore my calls.

Whatever, I am so sick of talking about him now. I really see that there is absolutely nothing to salvage here. I don't need a one-sided friendship. I really want the strength to let go. I'm not very religious.....I mean I do believe in God, but I don't go to church like I should....but I have been praying for God to help me out a little bit. I'm hanging on by a thread. My life as I knew it is changing, I have nothing to look forward to right now and all I want to do is sleep. Putting on a happy face at work is exhausting. I don't want to feel that way anymore. I want the motivation to go out and do things. I want to see friends, I want to forget about him. It's easier said than done but I keep asking God to help me. I hope we can both help me.

Anyway enough about that jerk! Tonight I am going to the movies with my son. We are seeing Friday the 13th....on Friday the 13th! LOL I'm kind of excited although I wonder if the remake will be as good as the original. I did enjoy the remake of Halloween though so I am hoping for good things out of this. Then I will come home and try to get some homework done, I've done nothing all week. Cleaning also needs to be done and my son is having a friend over tomorrow but that will probably wait until tomorrow. I am looking forward to having the 3-day weekend although the time I think the most is when on the weekends when I'm not as busy. I really need to change that. I need to force myself to do things. I am stronger than I feel.....I've overcome a lot....I can do this!