Monday, October 25, 2010
Repitition
I haven't been blogging here much. Not that I'm not trying to be healthy and work out because I am. I have just been focused on other things like school and my son. But mostly angry at myself for repeating the same cycle every week of eating good during the week and then messing it all up on the weekends. So I avoid blogging. Probably the wrong move, I need to be more accountable. This has just been a stressful couple of months. One of these days I'll stick to plan, lost another 5 lbs and then there will be no stopping me.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Progress?
I haven't been here in a while. I've been so busy with school and my son's senior year and working out, it's been crazy. I'm on a good roll this week, having worked out every day so far. Tomorrow I will take the day off and go to my son's homecoming game. Saturday will be a challenge as far as the eating because I have a party to attend. My thought is that I will try to eat before hand so I won't be tempted to indulge at the party. At least that's my plan now. My ultimate goal for this week is to NOT undo all my efforts of the week by splurging on the weekends. That's what I've done for the last couple years, and I hope this time it really sinks in.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
New theme
I decided to make this blog strictly about my weight loss journey, since I always seem to be on that journey I think it would help to have a blog strictly devoted to that, including highs and lows and which things work and what doesn't. I think it will help it I journal things so I can see what I'm doing right and wrong.
My step mom got me a book that she picked up at a garage sale called "3-Hour Diet" by Jorge Cruise. I picked it up right away and started reading it, and the concept is pretty similar to what I follow....when I'm on track. More importantly I learned the technical reasons why it's not good to wait longer than 3 hours to eat and what actually happens when you skip a meal and wait longer than you should. During the week I typically eat every three hours anyway, so I don't think that will be a problem. Weekends are hard for me, so I will have to prepare for them accordingly.
Onward and upward!
My step mom got me a book that she picked up at a garage sale called "3-Hour Diet" by Jorge Cruise. I picked it up right away and started reading it, and the concept is pretty similar to what I follow....when I'm on track. More importantly I learned the technical reasons why it's not good to wait longer than 3 hours to eat and what actually happens when you skip a meal and wait longer than you should. During the week I typically eat every three hours anyway, so I don't think that will be a problem. Weekends are hard for me, so I will have to prepare for them accordingly.
Onward and upward!
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Supporting a Friend
I was recently faced with a predicament that I wasn't sure what I should do about. A friend of mine is married and based on what I know, I don't like the way her husband treats her at all. She puts up with emotional and verbal abuse, his laziness and refusal to get a job, she shoulders all of the bills and any left over spending money while he comes up with reasons and excuses not to work, there's a big possibility of him cheating, he lacks comprehension about how serious the situation is, and is just downright disrespecting my friend. I try not go judge this person because I'm no saint and I don't know what goes on in the minds of others. Some of the things I can understand, having seen people lose their jobs and have a tough time getting motivated to back to work again. Other things I don't understand, like emotionally wearing down the one person that puts a roof over your head and food in your mouth. Every time I hear of something else he's said or done, another part of me dislikes him.
When she invited me to his birthday BBQ that was scheduled today, I originally said yes. But the more stories I hear on a daily basis, the more I started thinking....why do I want to go and celebrate HIM? So he turned another year older....big deal. He advanced in age and went backwards in maturity. Big flipping deal! I told my friend last week that I didn't feel like celebrating him and she told me I should look at it like a chance to hang out with her. Which is true.
But I couldn't bring myself to go. Especially knowing that he invited two of the ho's that he may have cheated with. I think I disappointed my friend though, I know she wanted me there. And late last week I revealed my feelings to her that I was probably not attending based on how he treats her, which I think in turn made her not want to confide in me much about it anymore. She said she didn't want to put anymore negative thoughts about him in my head. I assured her that was not the case, I am simply reacting to the things she's telling me. So I don't think she'll be talking to me about him very much anymore.
How do I feel about that? I think she's missing the point. She condones his behavior so it's partly her fault and then makes excuses for it and states that he claims he's going to change and things will get better - which they never.
So I struggle with the idea of supporting her in these type of situations, or being honest with her about not wanting to be around him. I'm a pretty firm believer in honestly so I hope that she can see that my support comes in a different shape, but I am there for her regardless.
When she invited me to his birthday BBQ that was scheduled today, I originally said yes. But the more stories I hear on a daily basis, the more I started thinking....why do I want to go and celebrate HIM? So he turned another year older....big deal. He advanced in age and went backwards in maturity. Big flipping deal! I told my friend last week that I didn't feel like celebrating him and she told me I should look at it like a chance to hang out with her. Which is true.
But I couldn't bring myself to go. Especially knowing that he invited two of the ho's that he may have cheated with. I think I disappointed my friend though, I know she wanted me there. And late last week I revealed my feelings to her that I was probably not attending based on how he treats her, which I think in turn made her not want to confide in me much about it anymore. She said she didn't want to put anymore negative thoughts about him in my head. I assured her that was not the case, I am simply reacting to the things she's telling me. So I don't think she'll be talking to me about him very much anymore.
How do I feel about that? I think she's missing the point. She condones his behavior so it's partly her fault and then makes excuses for it and states that he claims he's going to change and things will get better - which they never.
So I struggle with the idea of supporting her in these type of situations, or being honest with her about not wanting to be around him. I'm a pretty firm believer in honestly so I hope that she can see that my support comes in a different shape, but I am there for her regardless.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Head Games
Why is it when you eat healthy for a couple of days you suddenly feel thinner but then get jerked back in to reality when you realize the scale has barely moved yet because it's only been TWO DAYS? LOL
I had another successful day with the Total Lean Shakes and my regular food. I haven't been snacking at night so the shake at night is totally saving me. The only problem with it is that I think it has too much fiber for my own personal liking. But that will all work out. Now I just want to see some more movement on the scale! I made the mistake of getting on tonight, knowing full well that I'm heavier at night so now I'm bummed. I'll try again in a few days...in the morning of course!
I have the next few days off which should be fairly busy. My son has his first football game tomorrow night (Go Warriors!!) but during the day I would like to get him started with school shopping and a haircut. I'll be glad when he goes back to school so we can get back to a normal and regular routine!
I had another successful day with the Total Lean Shakes and my regular food. I haven't been snacking at night so the shake at night is totally saving me. The only problem with it is that I think it has too much fiber for my own personal liking. But that will all work out. Now I just want to see some more movement on the scale! I made the mistake of getting on tonight, knowing full well that I'm heavier at night so now I'm bummed. I'll try again in a few days...in the morning of course!
I have the next few days off which should be fairly busy. My son has his first football game tomorrow night (Go Warriors!!) but during the day I would like to get him started with school shopping and a haircut. I'll be glad when he goes back to school so we can get back to a normal and regular routine!
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Captain Crabbypants
A co-worker named a certain someone "Captain Crabbypants" which I think is perfect. Here is why. Some men have moods that are worse than women’s. I’m coming to realize that it’s just as annoying when it’s someone that you have to spend almost every day with, and that someone isn’t a boyfriend or a friend. It’s awkward, irritating and uncomfortable having to deal with someone that barely speaks when they are in a mood. We all have to be here….so why not make it the most pleasant experience possible? What’s even more annoying is the notion that when the mood is over, we are all expected to laugh, make light conversation and be jovial as if nothing ever happened. It’s 3 against 1 here….and there’s more mood from the male than the 3 females put together. LIGHTEN UP. We all have troubles, worries and issues and that we manage to put on the backburner when we need to. Or maybe even sometimes we have moods of our own. But it’s not a DAILY thing. It doesn’t vary minute to minute.
On a better note, I started my Total Lean shakes today and I had a successful day. Actually I went under calories which probably isn't a good thing, but I still have to play around with different foods to eat and what time to drink the 2 shakes. Since my problem eating happens after dinner, I'm thinking of having the shake at night. I hope that works out. I have my menu planned out for tomorrow and I'm excited and if I stick to it, it will be another successful day.
On a better note, I started my Total Lean shakes today and I had a successful day. Actually I went under calories which probably isn't a good thing, but I still have to play around with different foods to eat and what time to drink the 2 shakes. Since my problem eating happens after dinner, I'm thinking of having the shake at night. I hope that works out. I have my menu planned out for tomorrow and I'm excited and if I stick to it, it will be another successful day.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Busy Year
It's that time again, back to school for both my son and I. It's going to be a busy year for me. I'm hoping to be transferred to another office at the end of the year when my bosses retire and the new administration comes in. This will hopefully result in a new position for me with more money. I have to keep communication open with my boss to see that it happens.
School starts in a couple of weeks. I got two out of three course requirements and I'll have a lot of work to do. I'm so NOT looking forward to it.
My son is a senior this year, and also involved in two sports....football and then baseball in the spring. So in between running him to practice and games, I need to set up a plan for him next year. Since he has no idea what he wants to do and no motivation to figure it out, it will be up to me to lay something out for him. If for nothing else, he will need to go to school full time in order to stay on my health insurance, or get a full time job and pay for his own.
In order to do either of those things, he'll need a car. Which means getting him to study for his permit and take the test, then take him out driving. All the while I will be putting money away to buy him a cheap yet hopefully reliable car. There's no chance of him being able to get one for himself since he won't be able to get a job until next June, after baseball season.
Aside from all that, I still have the goal to lose weight and be in better shape, which means continuing to fit workouts in. I'm getting tired just thinking about all that needs to be done. One step at a time, I suppose. This year is going to go too fast. I must find time to enjoy my son, which is at the top of the list.
School starts in a couple of weeks. I got two out of three course requirements and I'll have a lot of work to do. I'm so NOT looking forward to it.
My son is a senior this year, and also involved in two sports....football and then baseball in the spring. So in between running him to practice and games, I need to set up a plan for him next year. Since he has no idea what he wants to do and no motivation to figure it out, it will be up to me to lay something out for him. If for nothing else, he will need to go to school full time in order to stay on my health insurance, or get a full time job and pay for his own.
In order to do either of those things, he'll need a car. Which means getting him to study for his permit and take the test, then take him out driving. All the while I will be putting money away to buy him a cheap yet hopefully reliable car. There's no chance of him being able to get one for himself since he won't be able to get a job until next June, after baseball season.
Aside from all that, I still have the goal to lose weight and be in better shape, which means continuing to fit workouts in. I'm getting tired just thinking about all that needs to be done. One step at a time, I suppose. This year is going to go too fast. I must find time to enjoy my son, which is at the top of the list.
Monday, August 30, 2010
She's Got the Look
I was looking for some shows to tape on my DVR (as if I don't watch enough shows as it is) and I came across a show about aspiring models, so I taped it. I watched it today and the premise of the show is finding the next hot model over 35. As I was looking at the women who were all beautiful, I couldn't help but thinking they look older than I do. Many of them were about my age (38) and some were in their early
40's yet I felt like I was looking at women that were older than me, even though there was nothing to indicate that they looked 'old', if that makes any sense.
That got me to thinking about myself. I feel as though I look younger than what I am. But do I really? Or do people see me as a late thirtysomething? I have a couple of fine lines (a.k.a. wrinkles) that I wish would go away but for the most part I don't see myself as someone approaching 40. I wonder if others see me that way?
40's yet I felt like I was looking at women that were older than me, even though there was nothing to indicate that they looked 'old', if that makes any sense.
That got me to thinking about myself. I feel as though I look younger than what I am. But do I really? Or do people see me as a late thirtysomething? I have a couple of fine lines (a.k.a. wrinkles) that I wish would go away but for the most part I don't see myself as someone approaching 40. I wonder if others see me that way?
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Today's Random Thoughts
Random Thoughts I Had Today:
~ If you're going to pretend to be sick, do it around everyone. Not just the important people.
~ The more you tailgate me, the slower I go.
~ Discipline yourself so others don't have to.
~ I hope I can go to tomorrow's birthday party and not have any cake. I don't deserve cake.
~ I like to make people laugh.
~ I'm sorry that I had to listen to you complain during my break about things you cannot change. I said: "Oh well what can you do..." She says: "Complain about it". YOU JUST DID.
~ I guess Justin Beiber was in town tonight. Whoop-di-doo.
~ Why haven't I typed my blog from work yet? I always have good stuff when I'm at work.
~ There's always that one random sock in every clean load of laundry. Frustrating.
~ Why am I always tired until it's actually time to go to sleep?
~ If you're going to pretend to be sick, do it around everyone. Not just the important people.
~ The more you tailgate me, the slower I go.
~ Discipline yourself so others don't have to.
~ I hope I can go to tomorrow's birthday party and not have any cake. I don't deserve cake.
~ I like to make people laugh.
~ I'm sorry that I had to listen to you complain during my break about things you cannot change. I said: "Oh well what can you do..." She says: "Complain about it". YOU JUST DID.
~ I guess Justin Beiber was in town tonight. Whoop-di-doo.
~ Why haven't I typed my blog from work yet? I always have good stuff when I'm at work.
~ There's always that one random sock in every clean load of laundry. Frustrating.
~ Why am I always tired until it's actually time to go to sleep?
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Eating For Two
No, I'm not pregnant. But I think my stomach thinks that I am because I am on week 2 of non-stop hunger. I can think of one time in this two weeks that I was actually full. Other than that, no matter what I eat I barely walk away satisfied. On a good note, I've started working out again....I hate that I stopped. I will hate even more if my appetite cancels out my workouts. I have to figure something out.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Something Old, Something New
I can't say that I've been insanely busy. Just not present ...here that is. Nothing extraordinary has happened since my sucky birthday which got me to thinking last night how short life seems. I'm no longer the kid anymore at work (although I am the youngest in my small office) and I don't do much of anything except the same routine stuff every day. I like to say I'm a good mom but I don't think I show my appreciation and love to my son nearly as much as I should considering what a great, well behaved kid he is. And I don't take time to do really big things for myself. My last real vacation where I actually went somewhere, stayed in a hotel and saw some sights was years and years ago.
So I've enlisted a couple girlfriends to at least think about going on a vacation early next year. I want to see something I haven't seen. I want to stay in a nice hotel and pamper myself and not think about my diet. I don't really feel like flying, but I will if I have to. Also having something huge like this is a good motivation to take some pounds off. I'm excited about the possibilities.
So I've enlisted a couple girlfriends to at least think about going on a vacation early next year. I want to see something I haven't seen. I want to stay in a nice hotel and pamper myself and not think about my diet. I don't really feel like flying, but I will if I have to. Also having something huge like this is a good motivation to take some pounds off. I'm excited about the possibilities.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Saturday, August 7, 2010
38 and Feeling Great!
I turn 38 today. Happy birthday to me! I feel kinda lame saying that, as birthdays were never a big deal to me. But what the heck, I made it another year. That's an accomplishment in itself! It's been a couple weeks since I've written and I'm still on the never ending quest of getting healthy. Ask me how successful I've been? No, don't ask. But here I am at 38 now officially and I won't stop trying. I can't. I'm not getting any younger. Obvi.
In honor of my birthday, I vow to be positive about myself and about my age. I will never stop trying to better myself, no matter how many times I fall off the horse. That is the very least I could do for myself.
In honor of my birthday, I vow to be positive about myself and about my age. I will never stop trying to better myself, no matter how many times I fall off the horse. That is the very least I could do for myself.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Making A List (Checking it Twice!)
Some good and bad things have happened this week that I have been dealing with. The good....I am currently writing up a proposal to my boss to request (and justify) being put in a Traineeship (higher level, more money!!!) when he retires. It's been exciting because I think I have a really good chance at getting it. My proposal is kick ass and if I end up getting it I will finally be free of the secretarial role and in headed on actual career path. In doing that, I also realized that if this happens for me, I will be making my life here. I do have a life here now but I always figured that after my son graduates, if I chose to I could really go wherever I want. If I head down this road, I will be here at least another few years, maybe longer if I advance to the next level after the Traineeship, which will keep me here an additional few years at least. I have mixed feelings only because I never pictured staying here forever. But I really don't know where I would go at this point. So that part is exciting but also scary....I wonder if I would be happy here FOREVER.
The bad....boys. What's new, right? I think this time is different in the way that I truly am tired of the situation that I've been in for almost 3 years. Waiting for a guy that thinks only about himself and cares about me when it's convenient for him. I've made excuses for him, overlooked things, bit my tongue and I'm tired. I'm tired of being unhappy and untrusting. I feel like something has changed in me because for the first time I feel I have nothing to say to him. I'm not looking for attention, or looking to piss him off, or looking to hurt him the way he's hurt me. I just want to be left alone. I don't want to think about him or wonder what he's doing and I want to live my life in peace. Even if it's alone. The weird part is I think it helped that he's tried a few times to get in touch with me and I have not opened the lines of communication. At least I know that he tried, even if it's too late.
Tomorrow I want to start using Sparkpeople again to track my food and exercise to keep me on track. I can't keep using excuses (like good and bad things happening) as my reason for "falling off the wagon". I will never get to goal like this, and I desperately need to get moving in the right direction. I caught a peek of myself in my full length mirror tonight and am horrified that the fattyness in my legs is creeping down to the knee area...GROSS. I'm done with that too.
The bad....boys. What's new, right? I think this time is different in the way that I truly am tired of the situation that I've been in for almost 3 years. Waiting for a guy that thinks only about himself and cares about me when it's convenient for him. I've made excuses for him, overlooked things, bit my tongue and I'm tired. I'm tired of being unhappy and untrusting. I feel like something has changed in me because for the first time I feel I have nothing to say to him. I'm not looking for attention, or looking to piss him off, or looking to hurt him the way he's hurt me. I just want to be left alone. I don't want to think about him or wonder what he's doing and I want to live my life in peace. Even if it's alone. The weird part is I think it helped that he's tried a few times to get in touch with me and I have not opened the lines of communication. At least I know that he tried, even if it's too late.
Tomorrow I want to start using Sparkpeople again to track my food and exercise to keep me on track. I can't keep using excuses (like good and bad things happening) as my reason for "falling off the wagon". I will never get to goal like this, and I desperately need to get moving in the right direction. I caught a peek of myself in my full length mirror tonight and am horrified that the fattyness in my legs is creeping down to the knee area...GROSS. I'm done with that too.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Reality Check!
When am I finally going to realize that some selfish people who think they are all that, are not worth my fucking time?
Pissed off.
Good eating during the day, bad dinner at dad's. (Bad but yummy). Life goes on, at least for now.
People can really suck sometimes
Pissed off.
Good eating during the day, bad dinner at dad's. (Bad but yummy). Life goes on, at least for now.
People can really suck sometimes
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Onward and Upward
Overall I think I did ok this weekend with the eating. I kind of fell of the wagon a little bit last night but I got right back on. Over all I'm making better choices. I did zumba both days this weekend and both were incredibly vigorous workouts. I love them but it's tiring.
I also got myself new Puma workout shoes for the classes.
I think it's going to take me a few classes to get used to. I'm not used to wearing a shoe so flat when I work out. By the end of today's class my feet were a little sore. I hope it's just me getting used to them and not the shoe itself! I love the style though and that color blue is my favorite.
Here's to another week of eating right and working out!
I also got myself new Puma workout shoes for the classes.
I think it's going to take me a few classes to get used to. I'm not used to wearing a shoe so flat when I work out. By the end of today's class my feet were a little sore. I hope it's just me getting used to them and not the shoe itself! I love the style though and that color blue is my favorite.
Here's to another week of eating right and working out!
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Success!
I got on the scale this morning. 2 lbs lower than when I got on the other day! Woo Hooo! I hope it's real. It motivated me to go out in the heat this morning and do my zumba class. I haven't been to my favorite instructor in over a month. She kicked my butt. I loved it. I'm going tomorrow to my other favorite instructor (I can have two!) and look forward to a good whooping again.
Today I'm going out shopping because I can't think of anything better to do. I know, it's terrible. But my son doesn't like amusement parks, the closest water park is an hour away and frankly I'm not up for buying a bathing suit that I will rarely ever wear, plus covering my fat up. It's so hot out and I'm not naturally an outdoors person so shopping it is. First we'll stop at Ruby Tuesdays for lunch because they have a SALAD BAR. Heck I'm on a roll I might as well continue to be good.
Happy day!
Today I'm going out shopping because I can't think of anything better to do. I know, it's terrible. But my son doesn't like amusement parks, the closest water park is an hour away and frankly I'm not up for buying a bathing suit that I will rarely ever wear, plus covering my fat up. It's so hot out and I'm not naturally an outdoors person so shopping it is. First we'll stop at Ruby Tuesdays for lunch because they have a SALAD BAR. Heck I'm on a roll I might as well continue to be good.
Happy day!
Thursday, July 15, 2010
A Good Kind of Pain
I'm wicked sore from my arm workout yesterday. But it's that good kind of pain...the one that makes me feel accomplished. I didn't work out today, my plan is to go tomorrow. I'm trying to decide whether or not to do legs tomorrow, or wait and do a chisel class before zumba. I know zumba is going to kill me though, so do I really want to be tired by the time my favorite fun class comes around?
Eating was ok until dinner. I didn't feel like going to the store again, so I made a hot dog and some onion rings. Sigh. I need to stop ruining a good day with a bad meal.
Other than that, nothing much going on here. New guy keeps texting me. But I know he wants a booty call and I think he has a girlfriend so I'm not going there. He is so hot though. Maybe one day we will meet up. But I'm not ready for that right now. He's working hard though...usuallly he comes and goes but he's putting in full effort to stay in touch. Does he really want it that bad?
Eating was ok until dinner. I didn't feel like going to the store again, so I made a hot dog and some onion rings. Sigh. I need to stop ruining a good day with a bad meal.
Other than that, nothing much going on here. New guy keeps texting me. But I know he wants a booty call and I think he has a girlfriend so I'm not going there. He is so hot though. Maybe one day we will meet up. But I'm not ready for that right now. He's working hard though...usuallly he comes and goes but he's putting in full effort to stay in touch. Does he really want it that bad?
Going good!
Quick blog before work. I consider yesterday to be successful. I went to the gym after work even though I did not feel like it. I asked myself, what would I be doing during that hour if I wasn't at the gym? I would probably be sitting and watching TV or on the computer. So I went and I'm proud of me. Eating was good although I was going to have my hamburger plain last night without a roll but I didn't. I would like to avoid carbs at night and stick to meat and vegetables. We'll see if that happens.
I stepped on the scale today for the first time in a while. NOT GOOD. But motivating enough to keep going.
I stepped on the scale today for the first time in a while. NOT GOOD. But motivating enough to keep going.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Back on Track
Since I last posted I had decided to make an effort to get out a little more to do different things. So far so good! Not so much on the "new" things, but I'm working on that. But I went out a couple of times with a couple of good friends that I hadn't seen in a while. I'm making more of an effort to not let life get in the way of spending time with people I enjoy. And you know what? It reminded me that everyone has issues in life. Actually my life seems pretty peaceful and serene compared to some of my friends lives. So I should be blessed and not sit around feeling sorry for myself. I feel good!
This is also Day 4 of getting some kind of work out in. I took too long of a break but I started out slow and did some WATP DVD's that I have here. One of them I bought months ago and never even opened - shame on me! Today I went back to the gym and did Zumba. The whole routine was fast paced, the instructor killed me (I love Judi!) and I loved it. I think I will finally get a good night sleep too because that workout wore me out and I'm exhausted. Yay!!
This is also Day 4 of getting some kind of work out in. I took too long of a break but I started out slow and did some WATP DVD's that I have here. One of them I bought months ago and never even opened - shame on me! Today I went back to the gym and did Zumba. The whole routine was fast paced, the instructor killed me (I love Judi!) and I loved it. I think I will finally get a good night sleep too because that workout wore me out and I'm exhausted. Yay!!
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
What the Shell?
I was sitting here tonight and something occurred to me. I live an empty shell of a life. I don't do anything exciting or interesting during any given week. I do the same thing over and over, day after day. I get up, go to work, work out (if I am motivated enough), come home to be a mother and putter around the house, play games on the computer and go to bed. When school is in session, I do homework. That's pretty much it. I've kind of lost touch with a couple of friends that I used to communicate with and hang out with a lot, so I really don't get a lot of phone calls either. I sit back and wonder how did it get like this? How did I let it get like this?
I want to do interesting and fun things. I just don't know what yet. I want to get out of my comfort zone and try new things. I want to keep myself busy in order to keep my mind busy. Because when my mind isn't busy, it tends to stress me out thinking about things I shouldn't be thinking about.
I don't know what I last blogged about concerning Scott, but we aren't talking....again. I pissed him off, he pissed me off and then I said mean things. And maybe only 5 of me is sorry. The rest of me isn't. I'm tired of being treated like I'm a piece of shit. I'm here whenever it's convenient for him and I know I'm not perfect, but I deserve more than that in life. As a result of that last argument, we haven't spoken in a couple days. But even before that we hadn't really talked in 4 days. I sit here and wonder why I am not worth the fight to him. And folks, that is why I need to keep my mind busy. I need to worry about myself, not him or what he's feeling. It should be all about me since the first 3 years were all about him and that didn't work out too well.
It sucks when you know something is best for you, but you still feel sad. Blah.
Diet/Exercise? Non-exisistant. Blah again.
I want to do interesting and fun things. I just don't know what yet. I want to get out of my comfort zone and try new things. I want to keep myself busy in order to keep my mind busy. Because when my mind isn't busy, it tends to stress me out thinking about things I shouldn't be thinking about.
I don't know what I last blogged about concerning Scott, but we aren't talking....again. I pissed him off, he pissed me off and then I said mean things. And maybe only 5 of me is sorry. The rest of me isn't. I'm tired of being treated like I'm a piece of shit. I'm here whenever it's convenient for him and I know I'm not perfect, but I deserve more than that in life. As a result of that last argument, we haven't spoken in a couple days. But even before that we hadn't really talked in 4 days. I sit here and wonder why I am not worth the fight to him. And folks, that is why I need to keep my mind busy. I need to worry about myself, not him or what he's feeling. It should be all about me since the first 3 years were all about him and that didn't work out too well.
It sucks when you know something is best for you, but you still feel sad. Blah.
Diet/Exercise? Non-exisistant. Blah again.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Feeling HOT HOT HOT!
Today is the last day of my four day weekend. Blah. I could seriously get used to not working. But actually it will be nice to be in the A/C tomorrow! It has been wicked hot here since the end of last week. I can't say that I like sitting here dripping with sweat without exerting even a little energy, but at the same time I won't complain because I live in the Northeast and we get a lot of snow. I hate snow. So I'll take this wretched heat any day. God bless those that have to work outside in it!
This weekend was ok. I went to the Baseball hall of fame with my son. I think he enjoyed himself although I think he likes the current players more than reading about the history. He's a big Yankee fan....of course! (Who isn't? HAHA)
The 4th was ok too. I went to a BBQ at my dad's house. There was a 10 month old baby there. I watched her from time to time while they got food ready. I forgot how much work it is! But I love babies. Sometimes I wish my son was still a baby....but I like this age too. LOL
My diet has sucked. Wait, let me rephrase that. There's been NO diet. I'm on the eat what I want plan, and it's not working too well for me. I have to change.
This weekend was ok. I went to the Baseball hall of fame with my son. I think he enjoyed himself although I think he likes the current players more than reading about the history. He's a big Yankee fan....of course! (Who isn't? HAHA)
The 4th was ok too. I went to a BBQ at my dad's house. There was a 10 month old baby there. I watched her from time to time while they got food ready. I forgot how much work it is! But I love babies. Sometimes I wish my son was still a baby....but I like this age too. LOL
My diet has sucked. Wait, let me rephrase that. There's been NO diet. I'm on the eat what I want plan, and it's not working too well for me. I have to change.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Shut the Front Door
I was sitting here earlier thinking earlier what is the point of me even doing this blog when I don't share what's really going on with my life? If I'm doing this for the public...which nobody reads this now anyway....then I feel like I'm ripping them off. If I do this for myself for future reference or memoirs, then I'm ripping myself off. Do I write everything here, or do I continue to share cryptic thoughts?
I don't really know the answer to that question now. I feel like I want to write everything, but sometimes I don't want to hash it out and relive it. To me writing a blog about flowers and rainbows when I'm feeling low is fake bullshit.
That being said, I'm having a shitty day which will probably lead in to more shitty days. The most major dilemma in my life has to do with a boy, of course. A boy (man) that I've loved for almost 3 years. A boy that has done nothing to deserve me but who I keep giving chances to but my chances have run out. I need to be strong and stay away. I need to mourn and move on because I can't keep giving myself to someone that has nothing to give back. Why do I love someone that doesn't have love to give? I don't know. But I feel like crap and the ending. I feel like crap thinking that I may get so weak and allow myself fall back into the same toxic vicious circle of emotions and disappointment.
There, I did it.
On another note, I'm watching "Bethenny Getting Married?" and I have to say she's hilarious. The line of the entire show so far has to do with her assistant picking out her outfit for her getaway weekend, including the bra and underwear. He finds the pair of underwear in her drawer that she requested it, and pulled it out with two fingers, as though were contaminated with disease and germs. She says "You can pick them up, my vagina's not still in them. They're clean." She said it with a straight face too. She rocks.
Fitness and Diet? Not so much today.
I don't really know the answer to that question now. I feel like I want to write everything, but sometimes I don't want to hash it out and relive it. To me writing a blog about flowers and rainbows when I'm feeling low is fake bullshit.
That being said, I'm having a shitty day which will probably lead in to more shitty days. The most major dilemma in my life has to do with a boy, of course. A boy (man) that I've loved for almost 3 years. A boy that has done nothing to deserve me but who I keep giving chances to but my chances have run out. I need to be strong and stay away. I need to mourn and move on because I can't keep giving myself to someone that has nothing to give back. Why do I love someone that doesn't have love to give? I don't know. But I feel like crap and the ending. I feel like crap thinking that I may get so weak and allow myself fall back into the same toxic vicious circle of emotions and disappointment.
There, I did it.
On another note, I'm watching "Bethenny Getting Married?" and I have to say she's hilarious. The line of the entire show so far has to do with her assistant picking out her outfit for her getaway weekend, including the bra and underwear. He finds the pair of underwear in her drawer that she requested it, and pulled it out with two fingers, as though were contaminated with disease and germs. She says "You can pick them up, my vagina's not still in them. They're clean." She said it with a straight face too. She rocks.
Fitness and Diet? Not so much today.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Meh.
So far today was a successful eating day. I didn't do anything bad which is a nice change. I don't know about exercise though. I'm feeling blah today and when I feel like this, I know I should work out but I get so tired and unmotivated.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
True to Myself
I went to zumba for the first time in almost 2 months. I forgot how fun it was! Thankfully it was only a 45 minute class tonight and for some reason the order of the songs made it so that there was a slow song at the end before the oool down. Normally I wouldn't have been glad for that. I want to be out of breath and almost physically unable to move by the time the cool down begins. I say I'm thankful because I don't know if I could have handled that tonight. Anyway I felt great afterwards but apparently not great enough since I sabotaged myself later.
Dinner was salisbury steak, mashed potatoes and corn. Generous helpings too, I might add. And I may as well come clean and say that I finished up the rest of the chocolate cream pie so that I could be done with it. I called my son earlier in the day and I told him to take what he wanted to to throw the rest out. He forgot to throw the rest out and as I'm cooling down in zumba I started thinking about the pie. Am I really that pathetic? I should have thrown it out but I didn't. What's done is done and I can't change it so I'll chalk this up to an unsuccessful day and move on. Tomorrow will be better. My plan is to wake up early and do a Walk Away the Pounds DVD and then some form of exercise in the evening. Tomorrow I would like to write up a schedule for myself for what workouts I'm going to do each day. I'm also going to begin entering my foods on sparkpeople.com again. I love that site.
Dinner was salisbury steak, mashed potatoes and corn. Generous helpings too, I might add. And I may as well come clean and say that I finished up the rest of the chocolate cream pie so that I could be done with it. I called my son earlier in the day and I told him to take what he wanted to to throw the rest out. He forgot to throw the rest out and as I'm cooling down in zumba I started thinking about the pie. Am I really that pathetic? I should have thrown it out but I didn't. What's done is done and I can't change it so I'll chalk this up to an unsuccessful day and move on. Tomorrow will be better. My plan is to wake up early and do a Walk Away the Pounds DVD and then some form of exercise in the evening. Tomorrow I would like to write up a schedule for myself for what workouts I'm going to do each day. I'm also going to begin entering my foods on sparkpeople.com again. I love that site.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Loose Change
I need a new name for my blog. It gets absolutely no traffic, although I did have a very awesome viewer but I think her blog is gone. Anyway my goal is to come up with something catchy but relevant for people that search. It should be something about weight loss since that is what I would like to work on most. So over the next few days I will be thinking about it.
That's all I have.
*******************************
Ok I gave it a little bit of thought and I added a new title to my blog and changed the layout. My new blog will contain the same type of random stuff that I've been blogging about since I started. But since I am (again) putting my best foot forward in trying to lose weight and be healthy, I will add stuff about my progress towards a healthier lifestyle. I'm kind of excited!
That's all I have.
*******************************
Ok I gave it a little bit of thought and I added a new title to my blog and changed the layout. My new blog will contain the same type of random stuff that I've been blogging about since I started. But since I am (again) putting my best foot forward in trying to lose weight and be healthy, I will add stuff about my progress towards a healthier lifestyle. I'm kind of excited!
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Teaching An Old Dog New Tricks
I have a bad habit of needing to know things. Even if those things are ones that will hurt me, I will still aim to find out the truth. Sometimes I feel like I'm obsessed with finding out the truth because I hate being lied to. But what when it comes down to it, the truth that I try so hard to seek does nothing but hurt me and make me feel bad. I guess what I fear most though is that I will go on living my life and thinking that everything is ok, and the rug will be ripped out from under me like it has so many other times in my life. I don't like surprises, especially bad ones so I feel the need to always know what is going on around me even if I don't like it.
So is it really worth it? Is ignorance really bliss? I'm starting to think that maybe it is. I think it's time that I try to stop figuring things out and let life happen. It's going to happen anyway whether I look for it or not. I'm sure it's not going to be easy abandoning some of my habits and I'm also sure that I'll stumble along the way, but I can at least TRY.
Other than this little revelation, today has been an unproductive day. I slept most of the day which made up for my lack of sleep all week. I kind of feel bad for sleeping the day away but I needed it. Let's hope the upcoming work week brings more sleep than the last one. Cheers!
So is it really worth it? Is ignorance really bliss? I'm starting to think that maybe it is. I think it's time that I try to stop figuring things out and let life happen. It's going to happen anyway whether I look for it or not. I'm sure it's not going to be easy abandoning some of my habits and I'm also sure that I'll stumble along the way, but I can at least TRY.
Other than this little revelation, today has been an unproductive day. I slept most of the day which made up for my lack of sleep all week. I kind of feel bad for sleeping the day away but I needed it. Let's hope the upcoming work week brings more sleep than the last one. Cheers!
Cocka Doodle Doo
TGIF!! My day started out kind of fun today. The guy across the street has an assortment of animals from dogs and cats to ducks and roosters. I feel I should mention that I don't live in the country, on a farm or anywhere near farms. I live in a residential neighborhood on a mildly busy street which leads to a major interstate. Why he decided to have ducks and roosters, I don't know. I do know that he doesn't have any kind of fence around his hard and all of the animals....except for the dog.......are free to roam the neighborhood. I've seen the duck family on more than one occassion in the middle of the road with cars waiting patiently for them to cross.
I get a kick out of the rooster though when I hear him. Thankfully I sleep with the fan on so he doesn't wake me up. But he's not partial to just mornings, he will do his thing whenever he feels like it. I've never seen him go any further than his side of the road, until today. I went to the convenient store which is located two doors down from me and directly across the street from the farm animals. I pull in.....and who is parked in one of the parking spots taking in the scenery? The rooster. Just standing there, chilling. Trying to go unnoticed which wasn't happening. I went in to the store and got my coffee and when I came out, I just had to take a picture of the little guy.
At that point he moved up to the sidewalk and he had found something to ruffle his feathers at, literally. I wasn't sure what is was, but I didn't want to find out so I walked around the other cars away from him to get to my own car. It does bug me though that the guy can't bother to put up a fence in the yard to keep the animals safe. Then again, this is the same guy who used to leave his dog tied up outside all day every day, including the dead of winter. I think he got in trouble for that. But farm animals must be ok here. (?)
Thursday, June 24, 2010
I've Fallen...But I Will Get Up!
People never cease to amaze me. It's funny how when we meet someone for the first time you have a totally different opinion on who they are as people. As time goes on though, depending on the type of relationship you have with them, you start to see other parts of the person that perhaps you didn't know existed. I almost wish there wasn't such thing as a "first impression" because typically they are wrong. In the first impression, you don't get to see the bad parts. You don't get to glimpse in their past to see how they've lived their life. You only get to see what they want you to see, and many times that can be extremely deceiving.
I've learned over the past several few years that even good people can turn your world upside down. I've learned that genuine and giving people can also rip the rug right out from under you if it means getting what they want. Unfortunately, experiencing these things first hand has made me a harder person. It's made me want to put up walls that I would never have put up before. I don't understand how people can be so self serving without a thought or care about others whom their actions may effect. I'm a people pleaser. I like to please myself, sure....but I also like to please others and make sure that my actions don't hurt them whenever possible.
Maybe I should start to be a little more self serving and get the things I want and need and not really care as much about what other people may think or feel about it. I'm saying EVERYONE, I'm really just speaking about people that have proven to be out for themselves.
This all stems from a few weeks ago when, the night before my trip down south to see Scott and then my mother, Scott calls to tell me that he's got too much going on and I can't come. Seriously. He rocked my world that night. He proved to me that at any given moment in life, if it serves him or allows him to get what he wants, he will hurt me. That is a scary fact. Of course the next day he changed his mind but it was too late. I did not let him thwart my plans and I booked a bus trip straight to my mothers (that's another hellish story later).
Against my better judgement, I did stop by on the way back for a day. I wanted to get my closure, and I ended up remembering how nice it was to hang out with him. If I was smart, I would have skipped it all together but I did not want any regrets. I think I would have always wondered "what if"? Since I've seen him, I've been extremely forgiving and trying to put what he did out of my head. But on days like today, I can't do that. I still harbor a little bit of anger and disappointment over it. I'm not sure that will ever go away - basically because I know he could do that again.
I wonder if he realizes how lucky he is to have me in his life? It doesn't feel that way and the only time he ever shows any type of appreciation for me is when he's threatened by any other attention I'm getting here. It stinks. I wish I could just break free for good. Maybe soon.
I've learned over the past several few years that even good people can turn your world upside down. I've learned that genuine and giving people can also rip the rug right out from under you if it means getting what they want. Unfortunately, experiencing these things first hand has made me a harder person. It's made me want to put up walls that I would never have put up before. I don't understand how people can be so self serving without a thought or care about others whom their actions may effect. I'm a people pleaser. I like to please myself, sure....but I also like to please others and make sure that my actions don't hurt them whenever possible.
Maybe I should start to be a little more self serving and get the things I want and need and not really care as much about what other people may think or feel about it. I'm saying EVERYONE, I'm really just speaking about people that have proven to be out for themselves.
This all stems from a few weeks ago when, the night before my trip down south to see Scott and then my mother, Scott calls to tell me that he's got too much going on and I can't come. Seriously. He rocked my world that night. He proved to me that at any given moment in life, if it serves him or allows him to get what he wants, he will hurt me. That is a scary fact. Of course the next day he changed his mind but it was too late. I did not let him thwart my plans and I booked a bus trip straight to my mothers (that's another hellish story later).
Against my better judgement, I did stop by on the way back for a day. I wanted to get my closure, and I ended up remembering how nice it was to hang out with him. If I was smart, I would have skipped it all together but I did not want any regrets. I think I would have always wondered "what if"? Since I've seen him, I've been extremely forgiving and trying to put what he did out of my head. But on days like today, I can't do that. I still harbor a little bit of anger and disappointment over it. I'm not sure that will ever go away - basically because I know he could do that again.
I wonder if he realizes how lucky he is to have me in his life? It doesn't feel that way and the only time he ever shows any type of appreciation for me is when he's threatened by any other attention I'm getting here. It stinks. I wish I could just break free for good. Maybe soon.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
U.S.A.
How can anyone NOT be proud and excited about the US victory in today's world cup game??? Awesome, amazing, exciting. I can't wait to see how this progresses.
Other than that, today was a quiet, uneventful day. I got in to a flirty text session with someone from the past. Someone I've never been involved with, as the timing was never right. The timing isn't right either because I think he has a girlfriend. I know, I'm bad for even flirting with him. But I made it quite clear that I would not pursue anything with him as long as he was attached. I know what it's like to be cheated on and I will not take part of that. In fact, the next time he texts me I should just not answer. What is the point?
Sleepy Blog
I don't know why it is that I decide after weeks (months?) of not writing, that I need to write a blog at 1AM when I should be sleeping. I was crabby today due to lack of sleep, you would think I would learn a lesson.
I've been mostly out of touch lately, at least as far as the computer. I've been busying myself doing other things. One of which was going to GA to see my mom. Yay! I hadn't seen her in three years and that was way too long. The trip there was unforgettable....in a crappy kind of way but I'll save that for another day.
I have a break this summer from school which is GREAT. I wish I was done already, I hate every second of it. I hope something good comes from me getting a degree. With the rate that this economy is going, probably not. I've been thinking lately that New York sucks. Its bad every where but its ridiculous here. I keep thinking that when my son graduates I would like to move. But I know he will want to stay and I don't know if I could bare to leave him.
Thats it for now. No false promises to myself of consistent blogging. I will do what I can. I like to write, I don't know why I don't do it more often.
Out.
I've been mostly out of touch lately, at least as far as the computer. I've been busying myself doing other things. One of which was going to GA to see my mom. Yay! I hadn't seen her in three years and that was way too long. The trip there was unforgettable....in a crappy kind of way but I'll save that for another day.
I have a break this summer from school which is GREAT. I wish I was done already, I hate every second of it. I hope something good comes from me getting a degree. With the rate that this economy is going, probably not. I've been thinking lately that New York sucks. Its bad every where but its ridiculous here. I keep thinking that when my son graduates I would like to move. But I know he will want to stay and I don't know if I could bare to leave him.
Thats it for now. No false promises to myself of consistent blogging. I will do what I can. I like to write, I don't know why I don't do it more often.
Out.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Trying this from my ipod
Because apparently I am bored! I will probably end up deleting this.
Anyway.... nothing memorable happened today. It was actually extrelu hot today. The kind of hot where just sitting and being sedentary can make one sweat.
I'm watching Celebrity Apprentice right now and hoping that Bret Michaels doesn't go home tonight!! Speaking of... So glad that he's doing better and keeping him in my thoughs for a full and speedy recovery.
Anyway.... nothing memorable happened today. It was actually extrelu hot today. The kind of hot where just sitting and being sedentary can make one sweat.
I'm watching Celebrity Apprentice right now and hoping that Bret Michaels doesn't go home tonight!! Speaking of... So glad that he's doing better and keeping him in my thoughs for a full and speedy recovery.
Weekend, I love you!!
So far I've had a great weekend. One of the best weekends in a long time since I've been so preoccupied with school. Last night I went out with my good friend Amanda and we got pedicures. It's been a while since I've had one and was in desperate need. The funny thing is while I was there, I saw my gyencologist....who I just saw earlier in the week. Which makes me think about how I'm seeing her now, fully clothed when just a few days earlier she was in my va-jay-jay. Odd.
Then I saw the zumba whore that I mentioned in my previous post. She looks different when she's in normal clothes and not weasling her way in to my space.
Anyway I love my pedicure! I picked a hot pink with a design on the big toe. It's not the best design I've had, but it will do until next time!
Today I had lunch with "E". I haven't seen her in a long time. Too long! I had a good time with her even though she didn't seem as happy as I once remembered her. She went through a bad breakup with her ex several months ago and I know she's had a tough time since. I hope to see her more, we are both so busy but we have to make it happen. I came home after and did stuff around the house and then took too long of a nap. So it's grocery shopping in the morning and then zumba. If I do make the zumba class, that will be my 5th workout this week. I would be very proud of myself!! Now if I could just see it on the scale...
A big black ant crawled on my earlier in my bedroom, and I screamed at the top of my lungs. Even though I haven't seen one in a couple hours, Now I feel like I have bugs crawling all over me and I feel creeped out that when I go to sleep there will be other ants crawling on me. Ugh.
Then I saw the zumba whore that I mentioned in my previous post. She looks different when she's in normal clothes and not weasling her way in to my space.
Anyway I love my pedicure! I picked a hot pink with a design on the big toe. It's not the best design I've had, but it will do until next time!
Today I had lunch with "E". I haven't seen her in a long time. Too long! I had a good time with her even though she didn't seem as happy as I once remembered her. She went through a bad breakup with her ex several months ago and I know she's had a tough time since. I hope to see her more, we are both so busy but we have to make it happen. I came home after and did stuff around the house and then took too long of a nap. So it's grocery shopping in the morning and then zumba. If I do make the zumba class, that will be my 5th workout this week. I would be very proud of myself!! Now if I could just see it on the scale...
A big black ant crawled on my earlier in my bedroom, and I screamed at the top of my lungs. Even though I haven't seen one in a couple hours, Now I feel like I have bugs crawling all over me and I feel creeped out that when I go to sleep there will be other ants crawling on me. Ugh.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Dear -----
I found something that I wrote a couple of weeks ago when I was at work, pissed off and in an overall rotten mood. I printed it out to blog and then forgot about it. I found it tonight, so I thought I would put it here for amusement purposes -- at least my own anyway.
Dear Mr. Perfect,
It must be hard being so perfect. You say you aren't but you never admit to doing anything wrong. Your tone is always even, you are never rude, short or sarcastic. You are always in good spirits and you never put yourself first. You have never lied, cheated or broken any promises. You have always been truthful, forthcoming and genuine. You have never cuased a moment of doubt or confusion and when the going gets tough, you are there to meet it head on. You never shy away from feelings or uncomfortable conversations. You have no problems saying what you feel, as you would never expect others to read your mind. You are always friendly and outgoing and you take the time to be a friend and allow others to speak about their lives and offer comments, questions and opinions. You never nitpick a person's faults or wrongdoings and you never keep an argument going. You never forget to send birthday cards, especially to people that are nice enough to send them to you. Gosh....I wonder what it must feel like to be perfect like you?
Dear Idiot on the Thruway,
Are you really an idiot or do you just not give a fuck about the potential dangers that you are causing when you are literally sitting.....alone.....in the left hand lane, waiting to merge over into the line of cars that have been waiting patiently> Do you not realize that you are blocking the lane for other drivers that would like continue along that highway to their destination? Or is it really none of your concern because it's not inconveniencing you at all? Either way you are a clueless asshole and your driving sucks. You deserve to have your license taken away before you kill someone with your elementary driving knowledge and lack of skills. Moron.
Dear Present & Annoying,
I hate it when you don't have meetings. Do you want to know why? Because then you have nothing better to do then sit at your computer and catch up on e-mails which turns in to you forwarding me things and asking me if I will print them for you. Why don't you print them yourself? There's a little print icon at the top of you screen, do you not see it? Do you not realize that it takes longer for you to type me the e-mail, find my name in the address book and hit the send button? Are you really paying me all this money to print shit? Wow, talk about easy money. Too bad good talent is going to waste....but hey, I'm just there to collect my check.
Dear Drama Queen,
Apparently you have forgotten that I am not moved by your silent treatments and temper tantrums. I can go a very long time, if not forever, keeping to myself to avoid your drama. I think you need to look at your own actions and realize that the very same reason that you are mad at me about, you did yourself. Did I get angry and stop speaking to you? No. So, do you what you do because it will be a cold day in hell before I ever call you again. One bit of advice though....go pop your pills, smoke your weed and realize that life doesn't revolve around you!
Dear Zumba whore,
I'm not a skinny girl so I know there's no way that you can't seem me when you walk right up next to me and insert yourself in my personal space. Why do you feel the need to stand shoulder to shoulder with me in a workout class that requires us to have at least a little space to move? Furthermore, do you not see me glaring at you? Do you realize that when we are working out and I'm bumping in to you and my hands are flailing about that I do it on purpose? Its my way of letting you know that you fucked up by invading my space. You will not conquer me. In case you haven't noticed, I'm bigger than you and I could probably take you in the parking lot any day. Consider this notice.
Dear Puker(s),
I'm not sure which one of you two lovely little furballs it is, but I'm kind of tired of finding piles of vomit on my carpets throughout the house. Apparently one of you likes to over eat from time to time.....haven't you ever heard of portion control? Do I need to refer you to a support group for bulemia? It's funny how you wait until I leave the room to make a deposit too. Oh, and you never do it on the kitchen floor where it can be easily cleaned up. It's got to be on the rug of course. One more thing....when I return to find my present, you both go running. You think that's pretty amusing, do you? I don't. If you don't cut it out, I may have to turn you both into anorexics. How do you like me now bitches????
Love,
Me
Dear Mr. Perfect,
It must be hard being so perfect. You say you aren't but you never admit to doing anything wrong. Your tone is always even, you are never rude, short or sarcastic. You are always in good spirits and you never put yourself first. You have never lied, cheated or broken any promises. You have always been truthful, forthcoming and genuine. You have never cuased a moment of doubt or confusion and when the going gets tough, you are there to meet it head on. You never shy away from feelings or uncomfortable conversations. You have no problems saying what you feel, as you would never expect others to read your mind. You are always friendly and outgoing and you take the time to be a friend and allow others to speak about their lives and offer comments, questions and opinions. You never nitpick a person's faults or wrongdoings and you never keep an argument going. You never forget to send birthday cards, especially to people that are nice enough to send them to you. Gosh....I wonder what it must feel like to be perfect like you?
Dear Idiot on the Thruway,
Are you really an idiot or do you just not give a fuck about the potential dangers that you are causing when you are literally sitting.....alone.....in the left hand lane, waiting to merge over into the line of cars that have been waiting patiently> Do you not realize that you are blocking the lane for other drivers that would like continue along that highway to their destination? Or is it really none of your concern because it's not inconveniencing you at all? Either way you are a clueless asshole and your driving sucks. You deserve to have your license taken away before you kill someone with your elementary driving knowledge and lack of skills. Moron.
Dear Present & Annoying,
I hate it when you don't have meetings. Do you want to know why? Because then you have nothing better to do then sit at your computer and catch up on e-mails which turns in to you forwarding me things and asking me if I will print them for you. Why don't you print them yourself? There's a little print icon at the top of you screen, do you not see it? Do you not realize that it takes longer for you to type me the e-mail, find my name in the address book and hit the send button? Are you really paying me all this money to print shit? Wow, talk about easy money. Too bad good talent is going to waste....but hey, I'm just there to collect my check.
Dear Drama Queen,
Apparently you have forgotten that I am not moved by your silent treatments and temper tantrums. I can go a very long time, if not forever, keeping to myself to avoid your drama. I think you need to look at your own actions and realize that the very same reason that you are mad at me about, you did yourself. Did I get angry and stop speaking to you? No. So, do you what you do because it will be a cold day in hell before I ever call you again. One bit of advice though....go pop your pills, smoke your weed and realize that life doesn't revolve around you!
Dear Zumba whore,
I'm not a skinny girl so I know there's no way that you can't seem me when you walk right up next to me and insert yourself in my personal space. Why do you feel the need to stand shoulder to shoulder with me in a workout class that requires us to have at least a little space to move? Furthermore, do you not see me glaring at you? Do you realize that when we are working out and I'm bumping in to you and my hands are flailing about that I do it on purpose? Its my way of letting you know that you fucked up by invading my space. You will not conquer me. In case you haven't noticed, I'm bigger than you and I could probably take you in the parking lot any day. Consider this notice.
Dear Puker(s),
I'm not sure which one of you two lovely little furballs it is, but I'm kind of tired of finding piles of vomit on my carpets throughout the house. Apparently one of you likes to over eat from time to time.....haven't you ever heard of portion control? Do I need to refer you to a support group for bulemia? It's funny how you wait until I leave the room to make a deposit too. Oh, and you never do it on the kitchen floor where it can be easily cleaned up. It's got to be on the rug of course. One more thing....when I return to find my present, you both go running. You think that's pretty amusing, do you? I don't. If you don't cut it out, I may have to turn you both into anorexics. How do you like me now bitches????
Love,
Me
Monday, April 12, 2010
Hello, is this thing on?
I feel like I'm becoming more and more disconnected from things that make me uncomfortable or angry. I touched on it a little bit in my last post, but I still wonder why I'm able to just cut people off without much if any feeling behind it. I wonder if I will end up old and alone.
On that same note, I tried to get a hold of my mom earlier and she's always home. If she's not home, she's got her cell phone on her. I couldn't get a hold of her for three hours tonight and I immediately this fear in my head that something bad happened to either her or her husband, or both. I've been thinking about it a lot lately since she's getting older.....what would happen if her husband passed away first? She can't stand living along but yet she refuses to come back to NY. She would be there all alone. I couldn't let that happen, but what would I do?
Despite the depressing thoughts I'm doing well, just tired. Tonight Amanda and I went to the gym to work out. Not our typical zumba class....we just did cardio on the elliptical, bike and treadmill. I must say I'm kind of proud of myself since I now find those machines to be very boring. But I'm glad we did it. And I can't wait for zumba tomorrow.
That's all I got....
On that same note, I tried to get a hold of my mom earlier and she's always home. If she's not home, she's got her cell phone on her. I couldn't get a hold of her for three hours tonight and I immediately this fear in my head that something bad happened to either her or her husband, or both. I've been thinking about it a lot lately since she's getting older.....what would happen if her husband passed away first? She can't stand living along but yet she refuses to come back to NY. She would be there all alone. I couldn't let that happen, but what would I do?
Despite the depressing thoughts I'm doing well, just tired. Tonight Amanda and I went to the gym to work out. Not our typical zumba class....we just did cardio on the elliptical, bike and treadmill. I must say I'm kind of proud of myself since I now find those machines to be very boring. But I'm glad we did it. And I can't wait for zumba tomorrow.
That's all I got....
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Where I'm At
I've been plugging away at homework so I haven't been around....AGAIN. I've got to get better at this blogging thing. Especially when I've had so much going on in my personal friendships lately. I don't know what it is but I feel like I'm getting to a stage in my life where I don't feel like I want to tolerate or put up with things that cause me to be annoyed or stressed. With that comes the feeling that I don't 'need' most people in my life. I don't think that's a very good way to feel. I have a friend that I've been close with for years, and I consider her one of my best friends. But when we have a falling out or she gets annoyed at me for something, I don't make any effort to get in touch with her. And that's where we are at now. We are approaching week 3 of not speaking for a really dumb reason. But I'm not sad about it. Does that make me cold and heartless?
Then there's Scott. We haven't been getting along lately most of the time. But I still stay strong and keep up the friendship. But the other day I just had enough and I haven't spoken to him since. He's tried to call and for once I'm really enjoying my peace so much that I've had no desire to talk to him so I haven't. In a way I feel guilty because I think it's rude to continuously avoid someone's call. But honestly I don't know what to say. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of not trusting him. I'm just tired, period.
That's where I'm at. Despite all that, I'm in a really good place. The semester ends on April 30th and I'm looking forward to the break. I'm working out more (but eating more ugh) and if I can get the healthier eating down I would feel super great!
Then there's Scott. We haven't been getting along lately most of the time. But I still stay strong and keep up the friendship. But the other day I just had enough and I haven't spoken to him since. He's tried to call and for once I'm really enjoying my peace so much that I've had no desire to talk to him so I haven't. In a way I feel guilty because I think it's rude to continuously avoid someone's call. But honestly I don't know what to say. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of not trusting him. I'm just tired, period.
That's where I'm at. Despite all that, I'm in a really good place. The semester ends on April 30th and I'm looking forward to the break. I'm working out more (but eating more ugh) and if I can get the healthier eating down I would feel super great!
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Homework BLAAHHHH
I've spent the last two weeks lost in a sea of homework. I miscalculated and realized that I was behind on my work so I buckled down (thanks for that term, dad!) and got a lot of it done. Yay! I really hate homework and I can't wait for the day where I don't have any more.
In other news, my boss revealed an idea that he has for me when he retires. He knows that when he leaves at the end of the year, I want to go to another office. I had some ideas but I really wasn't sure what I wanted to do. But his plan puts me in an area that will be interesting, challening and hopefully room to grow. So I'm excited! Now let's hope he follows through on helping me get there.
Other than that, I have nothing new or exciting to report.
Sleep awaits!
In other news, my boss revealed an idea that he has for me when he retires. He knows that when he leaves at the end of the year, I want to go to another office. I had some ideas but I really wasn't sure what I wanted to do. But his plan puts me in an area that will be interesting, challening and hopefully room to grow. So I'm excited! Now let's hope he follows through on helping me get there.
Other than that, I have nothing new or exciting to report.
Sleep awaits!
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Off Track
I've been totally off track this week. I haven't worked out since Saturday and I haven't been watching my eating either. Well, I've been watching the food go from the plate to my mouth, but that's about it! Anywayyyyy...I thought I was doing good with the school work until I realized that I have 26 assignments and 5 papers to do in 8 weeks. Yikes!! So I have been putting most of my focus on homework, and hating every second of it! Thankfully I have classes that have seemed pretty easy so far. Then I'm taking the summer off and will be back at it in the fall. I can't wait until it's all over and my time is my own!
In other news, I'm really proud of the strong woman I've become over the last year. No longer am I the one that is reliant on a man to feel happy. Sure there's times I need some attention but I've come a long way from the woman that used to need daily phone contact at least. I'm so independent now and I'm at the point now where I know that no matter what happens, I will be ok.
Lastly, I'm so ready for the weekend.
In other news, I'm really proud of the strong woman I've become over the last year. No longer am I the one that is reliant on a man to feel happy. Sure there's times I need some attention but I've come a long way from the woman that used to need daily phone contact at least. I'm so independent now and I'm at the point now where I know that no matter what happens, I will be ok.
Lastly, I'm so ready for the weekend.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
FOCUS please!
Just a little bit of focus is all it takes for me to get back on track with my healthier way of life and weight loss. I had previously lost 7 lbs but then ruined it over the course of a week and a half, with bad eating and no workouts. Now since the weekend, I am back on track and all of the 7 lbs are still gone. I'm so happy about that. I've lived up to my commitment to myself to workout at least 30 minutes every day. So far so good! I do have a 2 hour zumba "party" on Friday so I'm thinking that 2 hours justifies me taking a break tomorrow....maybe. I'll have to see how it goes.
I haven't done any homework, I'm preparing for my upcoming trip (shopping, hair, nails, etc) and with work and parenting, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. It all has to get done. So I'm thinking a break tomorrow might be nice so that I can get homework done. Or if the weather is nice, maybe I can walk to the post office (all up hill) and get my workout in that way. Great idea, Gina!!!! There we go.
My trip is being postponed by a week because I didn't realize it was it Easter weekend and I really don't want to drive in all that traffic. That's ok too because that means I have an extra week of working out and preparing and all that fun stuff.
FOCUS.
I haven't done any homework, I'm preparing for my upcoming trip (shopping, hair, nails, etc) and with work and parenting, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. It all has to get done. So I'm thinking a break tomorrow might be nice so that I can get homework done. Or if the weather is nice, maybe I can walk to the post office (all up hill) and get my workout in that way. Great idea, Gina!!!! There we go.
My trip is being postponed by a week because I didn't realize it was it Easter weekend and I really don't want to drive in all that traffic. That's ok too because that means I have an extra week of working out and preparing and all that fun stuff.
FOCUS.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Blog worthy...
Upstate NY hasn't seen any real sunshine in over two weeks. Today, the sun is shining!! It looks so good outside, I don't even mind going to work. It's a good day. Sun, I missed you and I hope you stay a while!
Sunday, February 28, 2010
31 days
I have 31 days until my trip down south to see Scott and then on to see my mom. I am looking forward to it but at the same time, I haven't lost any weight since the last time I saw him. Damn me. I always start and stop....I am my biggest obstacle and I haven't overcome it yet. I know there's not much I can do about it now, but I can at least try again and lose a little something. I would like to try to get some kind of exercise every day for the next 31 days. I won't overdo it but I should be able to spare 30-60 minutes a day to work on myself. I wish I had stuck with it the dozens of times I "started over". Let the countdown begin.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Sucky Blogger
Wow, it's really been this long since my last blog? I'm a sucky blogger. I have no excuse either. This semester at school is proving to be my "easiest" (knock on wood) as far as required assignments so I'm staying on top of that. It's weird too because I just entered my first semester towards my Bachelor's degree and I thought it would be twice the work. I'm sure it will be next semester so I'll enjoy it now. Really I've just been working out (not consistently enough to show any real weight loss) and working, and doing anything but blogging. I frequent facebook and twitter the most. I need to start making this page one that I come to also. I like to write, even if just to recap my day. It's recording memories...and that is a good thing! But see, I lack consistency in most things these days. Must get better at that.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Weekends, How I Love Thee...
Its been a few days since I've been on to write, but I've been enjoying my weekend and just didn't make time to write. I'm glad to be away from work for the three day weekend. It's a stressful time of year right now, not to mention the various little fires that erupted throughout the week.
I didn't do anything special this weekend except get some stuff done that I've been putting off, and of course my Zumba class today. I love that class, it's such an amazing workout.
That's about it really....nothing exciting or bad to say. Just loving life!!
I didn't do anything special this weekend except get some stuff done that I've been putting off, and of course my Zumba class today. I love that class, it's such an amazing workout.
That's about it really....nothing exciting or bad to say. Just loving life!!
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Checking Myself
I've been meaning to write for a few days but every time I finally sit down to do it, I'm exhausted. I've gotten in 4 workouts so far since Saturday, all Zumba. I love it!!
I'm finding myself situations lately in which I have to put myself in check and remind myself not to sweat the small stuff and be grateful for everything I have. Monday I found out that co-worker has advance stage leukemia. Tuesday I learned that there's a chance that she may not even survive the chemotherapy treatments that she starts today. But if she does, and they don't work then she has two months to live. Wow, just like that. I don't know her on a personal level but its sad nonetheless and a blunt reminder of how short life is. So in the past few days where a situation has irritated me, or my job becomes irritating (like today) I have to remind myself that I am lucky to have a job and be alive and healthy.
Then there's the situation in Haiti. How devastating. The more I see and read about it, the more my heart goes out to them. Hearing of the deaths, seeing bodies laying beneath rubble, hearing about all the children that have died and are trapped....it's all so heartbreaking. My prayers go out to them.
I'm finding myself situations lately in which I have to put myself in check and remind myself not to sweat the small stuff and be grateful for everything I have. Monday I found out that co-worker has advance stage leukemia. Tuesday I learned that there's a chance that she may not even survive the chemotherapy treatments that she starts today. But if she does, and they don't work then she has two months to live. Wow, just like that. I don't know her on a personal level but its sad nonetheless and a blunt reminder of how short life is. So in the past few days where a situation has irritated me, or my job becomes irritating (like today) I have to remind myself that I am lucky to have a job and be alive and healthy.
Then there's the situation in Haiti. How devastating. The more I see and read about it, the more my heart goes out to them. Hearing of the deaths, seeing bodies laying beneath rubble, hearing about all the children that have died and are trapped....it's all so heartbreaking. My prayers go out to them.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Hunka Hunka Burnin' Love
I meant to write a couple days ago considering that it was Elvis' birthday. I'm not really an Elvis fan but I do have significant memories of him via my mom. I remember being really young and hearing Elvis blasting on the record player while my mom did housework. I remember hearing him on the jukebox at my mom and dads bar. And who can forget the white jumpsuit? My mom and dad saw him in concert a few times. I remember being left with a babysitter when they traveled to Niagara falls in the pouring rain to go see him. Mom was excited, she loved him so. But mostly I remember one day. The day that he died. I was five at the time and I remember my mom crying. For the longest while I did not know why she was crying. My mom is a strong woman so when she cried, it meant it was bad so my brother and I were too scared to ask what was wrong. She cried a lot on this day, she was inconsolable. I finally gathered up the courage to ask her what was wrong. "Mommy, why are you crying?" I remember saying those exact words, as well as her response "Elvis died today" she said, almost hysterically. I remember so vividly not understanding why my mom was crying over someone on the radio that died. Maybe I didn't understand death either, as I had not known anyone that died. I just knew it was a sad day and my brother and I steered clear and played outside and in our rooms. That night, Elvis was once again blasting on the stereo and my mom and dad got drunk in the kitchen, listening to his music all night.
Its amazing what memories stay with you over the years. Happy belated birthday to Elvis and I hope he's resting in peace.
Its amazing what memories stay with you over the years. Happy belated birthday to Elvis and I hope he's resting in peace.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Things that puzzle me
Here are a few things that puzzle me:
*Boys
*A 7 lb weight loss in 5 days (yay, but it's puzzling)
*Conveyor Belt of Love (WHY???)
*Boys
*How birds in the greater northeast can survive this cold. Brrrrr.
*Justin Beiber - what is he, like 12?
*Jersey Shore - why do I like it so much?
*People that post Youtube videos showing them picking pimples. Ew.
*Beastiality
*The Yellow Light of Death. How can playstation & XBox make something so expensive and not cover it for longer than a year? Can we say ripoff?
*People that drive around & around the parking lot looking for a close spot. You're that lazy? Really?
People with green thumbs. I envy your ability to keep plants alive, because I can't.
*BOYS
*Boys
*A 7 lb weight loss in 5 days (yay, but it's puzzling)
*Conveyor Belt of Love (WHY???)
*Boys
*How birds in the greater northeast can survive this cold. Brrrrr.
*Justin Beiber - what is he, like 12?
*Jersey Shore - why do I like it so much?
*People that post Youtube videos showing them picking pimples. Ew.
*Beastiality
*The Yellow Light of Death. How can playstation & XBox make something so expensive and not cover it for longer than a year? Can we say ripoff?
*People that drive around & around the parking lot looking for a close spot. You're that lazy? Really?
People with green thumbs. I envy your ability to keep plants alive, because I can't.
*BOYS
Thursday, January 7, 2010
In the last 10 years...
I took this from Pink Bunny Foo Foo's blog (I wish I knew how to link to her blog!) and I liked it so I did one of my own.
Decade Milestones - in the last 10 years, I...
•met Judith who would become one of my closest friends
•got my cat Jasmine who was just 4 mos old at the time
•lost 50 lbs
•went to my first and only baseball playoff game
•became an Aunt for the 7th time
•met my brother's long lost son who was put up for adoption 24 yrs ago (became Aunt for 8th time!)
•moved back home to New York from San Jose, CA
•took a job back at the same state agency I worked in before I moved to CA
•gained back all of the weight I lost
•got my cat Chloe at 8 wks old
•went into debt for a guy
•got my first big promotion
•bought my first "clunker" piece of junk car (not knowing at the time)
•started a new job in a new agency
•moved into my duplex
•reconnected with two of my close friends from High School. We are close again :)
•became a mom of a high school student
•met Scott and had the best holidays of my life
•took my first roadtrip by myself
•visited Manhattan/Times Square for the first time during the holidays
•discovered Zumba and fell in love
•got my Associates degree
•bought a new car
•saw my first broadway show
Decade Milestones - in the last 10 years, I...
•met Judith who would become one of my closest friends
•got my cat Jasmine who was just 4 mos old at the time
•lost 50 lbs
•went to my first and only baseball playoff game
•became an Aunt for the 7th time
•met my brother's long lost son who was put up for adoption 24 yrs ago (became Aunt for 8th time!)
•moved back home to New York from San Jose, CA
•took a job back at the same state agency I worked in before I moved to CA
•gained back all of the weight I lost
•got my cat Chloe at 8 wks old
•went into debt for a guy
•got my first big promotion
•bought my first "clunker" piece of junk car (not knowing at the time)
•started a new job in a new agency
•moved into my duplex
•reconnected with two of my close friends from High School. We are close again :)
•became a mom of a high school student
•met Scott and had the best holidays of my life
•took my first roadtrip by myself
•visited Manhattan/Times Square for the first time during the holidays
•discovered Zumba and fell in love
•got my Associates degree
•bought a new car
•saw my first broadway show
Mortality
I've been thinking a lot about mortality this past year. Maybe it was because all of the celebrity deaths that occured last year. Or maybe it was the fact that four classmates from my HS graduating class passed away either in their early or mid 30's.
I truly believe that God has a plan for everyone. But what is the plan for the 33 year old woman who died after suffering with cancer for two years, leaving behind a teenager and a 6 year old baby girl? What's the plan for the woman that went into the hospital for routine gall bladder surgery, then went home and died, leaving an 8 year old daughter without her mother? That part I don't get. Thinking about it makes me sad and sometimes I can't help but think about it.
Life is so short. I would love to live it to the fullest, but I know that I don't. Maybe that will be another "resolution" this year.
I truly believe that God has a plan for everyone. But what is the plan for the 33 year old woman who died after suffering with cancer for two years, leaving behind a teenager and a 6 year old baby girl? What's the plan for the woman that went into the hospital for routine gall bladder surgery, then went home and died, leaving an 8 year old daughter without her mother? That part I don't get. Thinking about it makes me sad and sometimes I can't help but think about it.
Life is so short. I would love to live it to the fullest, but I know that I don't. Maybe that will be another "resolution" this year.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Biggest Loser and more
I'm pretty tired tonight after my lack of sleep last night so I'll make this fairly brief. Today was a good day. I had a dental cleaning which I always stress about because I hate the dentist and having my teeth scraped. But it was a quick cleaning because I take good care of them and floss :) I came home and went to Zumba and learned they added three more zumba classes! I can't do Friday nights because it's early but still I get to do zumba 4x a week. Yay!
Biggest Loser premiered again tonight. Man, I love that show. Its still too early to determine a favorite though. Its the biggest cast yet and one person weighed in at over 500 lbs! Yikes. I can't wait to start seeing results. It's so motivational!
Oh and I ate perfect today. Time for bed!
Biggest Loser premiered again tonight. Man, I love that show. Its still too early to determine a favorite though. Its the biggest cast yet and one person weighed in at over 500 lbs! Yikes. I can't wait to start seeing results. It's so motivational!
Oh and I ate perfect today. Time for bed!
Epic fail
Here it is 1:30 in the morning and I'm not asleep yet. Since I last posted, the rest of my night was an epic fail. Sitting around at night watching TV has proven to NOT be good for me. I should have come home and worked out but I didn't. As a result, I got hungry after dinner and I had some bread and butter. I was so tired tonight and I layed down at 11:30, almost asleep until my phone rang. 20 minutes later I get off the phone and could not sleep. Why? Because I was thinking about cheese doodles and chocolate. I fought it as long as I could until I had some. More than just some. I had too much. After a bowl of cheese doodles I had SEVEN chocolates. I consider that binge eating. I am not, nor have I ever been a binge eater so I don't know what got in to me. I feel disgusted and sickeningly full right now. And the guilt is getting to me right now. Ugh.
I will not beat myself up. I can't. What good would it do? Tomorrow is a new day and I know it will be better because I have my zumba class right after work. I always feel good and energized after that class and plus the Biggest Loser starts tomorrow night and that gives me more motivation. So tomorrow will be a good day. But what about the rest of the days? They can't be like this.
Ugh. I'm going to bed.
I will not beat myself up. I can't. What good would it do? Tomorrow is a new day and I know it will be better because I have my zumba class right after work. I always feel good and energized after that class and plus the Biggest Loser starts tomorrow night and that gives me more motivation. So tomorrow will be a good day. But what about the rest of the days? They can't be like this.
Ugh. I'm going to bed.
Monday, January 4, 2010
One Day At A Time
I survived two things today: Monday and my first day in my quest for a healthier lifestyle. I got up at 5AM this morning to do one of the Leslie Sansone "Walk Away the Pounds" DVDs for 40 minutes. It felt good to get up and do it! I would like to try to get up every morning however I decided today that I am taking this thing day by day. I'm not going to look at long term goals or promise myself when I'm going to work out and get down on myself if I don't. I will wake up each day and tell myself what I want to do for that day and try to do it. I think it will be easier to achieve things that way instead of looking at the bigger picture and getting discouraged if I don't accomplish something I wanted to do. I want to be successful, day by day.
Since I didn't write much over last year I'll do a brief recap, starting with Scott. He and his girlfriend broke up at the beginning of last year and of course I was there to pick up the pieces. Things have been pretty good since the summer time. He's much more attentive now and he puts forth more effort than I think I've ever seen. It stinks that we don't live near each other. I think if we were in the same town we would be married and happy. Who knows where this relationship will go but that's another thing that I'm not going to overthink.
Last May I got my Associates Degree! I didn't think it would be a big deal since I'm now going for my Bachelor's, but when I got that degree in my hand I was overwhelmed with pride and even felt a little emotional. It's so hard going to school, working full time and trying to be a good mom but I'm doing it. I wish I didn't have to juggle it all and I hate school work but I have to keep going. I hope it all pays off. On another note, I HAVE to start putting money aside to begin paying the loans to ease the debt a little bit.
In November when I brought my car in for my mechanic to look at (it shook when i put the brakes on) he told me I should not put anymore money in to my car. So I took my extra loan money (bad girl, I know) to put a down payment on a car. I got a 2009 Toyota Corolla and I'm thrilled! I had been regretting buying that stupid Taurus and wanted a Toyota so bad but didn't think I could do it. But I did and I love my car. I love having something reliable and safe, something that I feel comfortable driving (unlike the Taurus which felt like a boat!) and something that I can feel good spending money on.
Those are really the one "big" things that happened last year. I'm looking forward to seeing what 2010 has to offer.
Since I didn't write much over last year I'll do a brief recap, starting with Scott. He and his girlfriend broke up at the beginning of last year and of course I was there to pick up the pieces. Things have been pretty good since the summer time. He's much more attentive now and he puts forth more effort than I think I've ever seen. It stinks that we don't live near each other. I think if we were in the same town we would be married and happy. Who knows where this relationship will go but that's another thing that I'm not going to overthink.
Last May I got my Associates Degree! I didn't think it would be a big deal since I'm now going for my Bachelor's, but when I got that degree in my hand I was overwhelmed with pride and even felt a little emotional. It's so hard going to school, working full time and trying to be a good mom but I'm doing it. I wish I didn't have to juggle it all and I hate school work but I have to keep going. I hope it all pays off. On another note, I HAVE to start putting money aside to begin paying the loans to ease the debt a little bit.
In November when I brought my car in for my mechanic to look at (it shook when i put the brakes on) he told me I should not put anymore money in to my car. So I took my extra loan money (bad girl, I know) to put a down payment on a car. I got a 2009 Toyota Corolla and I'm thrilled! I had been regretting buying that stupid Taurus and wanted a Toyota so bad but didn't think I could do it. But I did and I love my car. I love having something reliable and safe, something that I feel comfortable driving (unlike the Taurus which felt like a boat!) and something that I can feel good spending money on.
Those are really the one "big" things that happened last year. I'm looking forward to seeing what 2010 has to offer.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
2010 Are you ready for me?
I suck at blogging. I always start but I never finish. I also suck at weight loss. Something else I start but don't seem to finish. I suck at filtering what I say when I'm mad. I'm sarcastic and can be spiteful when I feel that I've been wrong. I suck at not using my credit cards. I buy what I want, when I want and therefore I'm constantly racking up small amounts of debt and then killing myself to pay it off.
BUT, this blog is not about being down on myself. It's about recognizing the things that I want and NEED to change. Therefore, here is my list of "resolutions" (though I hate that word):
1. Lose weight. This is most imporant because a) I'm unhealthy; b) I hate the way I look; c) I hate the way I feel; and d) I'd like to be around for my son for a very long time.
2. Stop using my credit cards. If I don't have the money for it, I shouldn't be buying it. I should be able to start saving money, at least to start putting towards my student loans so I don't end up so high in debt that I need to work two jobs to pay it off. I also need to stop putting groceries and gas on my credit cards. Paying interest on those two things is ridiculous. So I will slowly work on paying off the $1,000 I managed to rack up.
3. Handle myself better, even in impossible situations. I don't have to say everything that I feel at the moment I feel it. Reacting "in the moment" is not always a good thing. There are things that people say that can never be taken back. Whether its name calling, accusations, or just overall bitchiness. I will work on taking a step back and thinking about the way I feel and what is worth arguing over, and what is not.
4. Blogging more. Its harder now that I can't blog at work but I should be able to sit down for 10 minutes a night or even every couple nights and blog about what I'm thinking or feeling. I admittedly lead a pretty boring life so sometimes I feel I have nothing to write about. But how about the times where I'm just having a good day for no reason at all? Or when my son says something really nice or does something hilarious that makes me laugh? Or about how great I feel after a good zumba workout? There's nothing wrong with writing about those things and it will be a good way to remind me about the little things in life that make me happy. Some day I would like to look back on all I've written and learn from it and have a pretty good chuckle over it.
There, I'm done. And I must say that I'm pretty pleased with what I've written and how quickly it came to me. Onward and upward!
BUT, this blog is not about being down on myself. It's about recognizing the things that I want and NEED to change. Therefore, here is my list of "resolutions" (though I hate that word):
1. Lose weight. This is most imporant because a) I'm unhealthy; b) I hate the way I look; c) I hate the way I feel; and d) I'd like to be around for my son for a very long time.
2. Stop using my credit cards. If I don't have the money for it, I shouldn't be buying it. I should be able to start saving money, at least to start putting towards my student loans so I don't end up so high in debt that I need to work two jobs to pay it off. I also need to stop putting groceries and gas on my credit cards. Paying interest on those two things is ridiculous. So I will slowly work on paying off the $1,000 I managed to rack up.
3. Handle myself better, even in impossible situations. I don't have to say everything that I feel at the moment I feel it. Reacting "in the moment" is not always a good thing. There are things that people say that can never be taken back. Whether its name calling, accusations, or just overall bitchiness. I will work on taking a step back and thinking about the way I feel and what is worth arguing over, and what is not.
4. Blogging more. Its harder now that I can't blog at work but I should be able to sit down for 10 minutes a night or even every couple nights and blog about what I'm thinking or feeling. I admittedly lead a pretty boring life so sometimes I feel I have nothing to write about. But how about the times where I'm just having a good day for no reason at all? Or when my son says something really nice or does something hilarious that makes me laugh? Or about how great I feel after a good zumba workout? There's nothing wrong with writing about those things and it will be a good way to remind me about the little things in life that make me happy. Some day I would like to look back on all I've written and learn from it and have a pretty good chuckle over it.
There, I'm done. And I must say that I'm pretty pleased with what I've written and how quickly it came to me. Onward and upward!
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