So yeah....

Last night/this morning I had one of those out-of-control moments that I really hope everyone has at some points in their lives.....or that will make me a real nutcase. Before during and after my last post I blew up McS's phone. I tried calling him and texting him and I got no response. At first it just started out wanting to have him make me feel better but then when I knew he was deliberately avoiding my calls, then it turned into rage. Rage because I am always there for him when he needs me, day or night...and rage because he's a cold-hearted sob, rage for so many other reasons. So I kept calling him and leaving texts. This morning also. That was my out-of-control behavior. I knew what I was doing was crazy and wrong but I didn't care. When he finally did pick up this morning he said that he knew I was calling him last night but he was tired and he thought I would be mad if he picked up the phone and said that he was too tired to talk. Which is untrue, I wouldn't be mad. But instead he just decides to let his phone ring and ring and ignore my calls.

Whatever, I am so sick of talking about him now. I really see that there is absolutely nothing to salvage here. I don't need a one-sided friendship. I really want the strength to let go. I'm not very religious.....I mean I do believe in God, but I don't go to church like I should....but I have been praying for God to help me out a little bit. I'm hanging on by a thread. My life as I knew it is changing, I have nothing to look forward to right now and all I want to do is sleep. Putting on a happy face at work is exhausting. I don't want to feel that way anymore. I want the motivation to go out and do things. I want to see friends, I want to forget about him. It's easier said than done but I keep asking God to help me. I hope we can both help me.

Anyway enough about that jerk! Tonight I am going to the movies with my son. We are seeing Friday the 13th....on Friday the 13th! LOL I'm kind of excited although I wonder if the remake will be as good as the original. I did enjoy the remake of Halloween though so I am hoping for good things out of this. Then I will come home and try to get some homework done, I've done nothing all week. Cleaning also needs to be done and my son is having a friend over tomorrow but that will probably wait until tomorrow. I am looking forward to having the 3-day weekend although the time I think the most is when on the weekends when I'm not as busy. I really need to change that. I need to force myself to do things. I am stronger than I feel.....I've overcome a lot....I can do this!

The End

I guess I get what I ask for. McS let me know tonight that I mistook his intentions for something they weren't. All the things he said and did the past month, he meant out of friendship. Which is a great big lie that he wants to deny. I'm too upset right now to type it all out but I will when I feel better. I told him I don't want to know him anymore. I can't keep doing this to myself, it hurts so much. I changed my number, deleted my myspace, deleted his pictures. The sucky part is whenever I had a problem I would call him. As weird as it sounds, as much as he hurt me he was still a best friend. So now I lose that too. He is just another guy who didn't think I was good enough, he needed someone better, prettier and younger. I'm tired of feeling like I am not good enough. So I lose my best friend and someone who meant the world to me. I loved him so much that I stuck it out with him, loyal til the end.

I know I will have to go through feeling bad for a while and I'm not looking forward to that. I don't know what to do except what I do best...hide away and sleep. I'm really sad.