Last night I was in a real funk. I was feeling kind of down. I inadvertently found out that McS "might" be talking to someone....someone that is not his girlfriend but that is also long distance. That put me in a real funk because I realize that even if he didn't have his girlfriend (which I'm not sure that has one. There's no way for me to know because I refuse to ask. I don't want to ask because it's not my business and whenever I get inquisitive I usually either end up in trouble, getting an answer that I don't want, or just hurt. Anyway so things just seem to point to the fact that he's talking to someone else and I got mad. But I was a good girl and didn't reach out to him....no calls or texts. I just kept it to myself. Mainly because I have no right to say anything, but also I don't know if it's true or not. If I call him out on it. he could prove me wrong so easily and then it looks like I'm the bad guy who's checking up on him.
So I cursed him to myself, I told myself that I hated him. I wrote in my personal journal and I told it that I never wanted to speak to him again. And I was ok with that. I figured my life would be better. I didn't shed a single tear. Then late last night he calls me and I don't say a word. I act like everything is great. Then we have a good talk, everything is pleasant and I hang up the phone loving him again. W T F? What is wrong with me, seriously? In all of my life, I've never been so attached to a person. Even the guy years ago that wanted to marry me. Before McS, he was the love of my life. But when that ended, yes it was hard and took some time. But I got over it. I'm not getting over this and I don't fucking know why. I actually irritate myself sometimes. What is it going to take? The guy basically dumped me for another woman. And he might be talking to someone else. So what does he have to do? Smack me around to get me to leave this alone? Ugh. Seriously, I'm getting annoyed with myself and frustrated that I can't get myself to kick him out of my life!
Other than my frustration I am actually good today. Sadly, I attribute some of that to last night's conversation. But I'm also looking forward to a step aerobics class tonight. I joined another gym (now I have two memberships, crazy me!) and now I get to do classes which will leave me gagging and gasping for air by mid-class. Gagging + gasping = great workout = weight loss. Woo Hoo!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Minor setbacks
I stumbled across the journal that I kept for my Women's Journals and Diaries class that I took last year. I made the mistake of reading through it. It took me back to the time last year in the couple of months before things went sour with McS. There were so many entries where I talked about us having a fight or about him being distant. I even questioned in there if he had found someone else. He did of course, I should have known. But even then he denied that it was anything serious and he didn't want to "rule me out" as he put it.
Sigh. It made me feel kind of bad after I read it and I did what I normally do and crawled under my covers to take a nap. I was tired anyway. But fortunately my silly cat kept me awake and so I snapped out of my funk, took a shower and feel much better now. I can't change what happened, I can only change how I handle things NOW. So, I guess that's a nice reality for me. But I won't be reading anymore journal entries any time soon. :o)
Sigh. It made me feel kind of bad after I read it and I did what I normally do and crawled under my covers to take a nap. I was tired anyway. But fortunately my silly cat kept me awake and so I snapped out of my funk, took a shower and feel much better now. I can't change what happened, I can only change how I handle things NOW. So, I guess that's a nice reality for me. But I won't be reading anymore journal entries any time soon. :o)
Friday, March 27, 2009
Zzzzz
Today was a pretty low-key day, not that I mind. I had the day off which was great! I like to tell myself that I earned it since I've been alone in the office most of the month. My intention was to get out today and do fun things with my son since he had the day off too. But it turned in to a morning of errands, then I took him to lunch and by the time I was done stuffing myself (ugh) the effects of sleeping only a few hours last night caught up with me. I took a long afternoon nap and chilled the rest of the day. Now I'm tired again and as much as I love staying up all hours of the night I think I'm going to turn in early tonight.
So even though I have nothing new or interesting to report but I have to say life is GOOD!
So even though I have nothing new or interesting to report but I have to say life is GOOD!
Thursday, March 26, 2009
An Old Flame...
An old flame is coming to town next weekend....and his name is Bret Michaels. Ok, so he's a fantasy flame. Shut up! I'm entitled to dream. After suffering a little bit of disappointment earlier this week when I decided I will NOT be paying $129.00 + tax to see Cheap Trick, Poison and Def Leppard this summer, I learned today that Bret Michaels and his other band will coming next weekend and I will only have to pay $35.00 to see my hunka hunka burning love. I didn't want to see Cheap Trick or Def Leppard anyway, so there! I'm waiting to hear if a friend of mine can go with me but if she can't, I am more than willing and happy to enjoy the show on my own. I would not miss this for the world plus I'm still really focused on ME and doing things to make me feel good and happy.
Anyway, Poison and I go way back. Back to 1988 I believe, when they were one of the hottest and prettiest glam bands around. I did not fall in love with Bret Michaels at that time though. He was too pretty for me and I didn't want to look like the guy in my relationship. But after he wiped off most of his make up and washed out a majority of hairspray, that is when I fell in love. Plus I've always loved their music and I later proved that I would do almost anything to see them. Twice in one week during college in 1990, my two friends and I traveled across the state to attend their concerts....without any money or tickets. If memory serves me correctly, we either won tickets or bought them for the first show in Syracuse. We had enough for a tank of gas to get us there and back. We had an awesome time at the show and came back to the dorms feeling like we were on top of the world. I could have sworn too that Bret was looking at me when he sang. He did, he really did! LOL
We learned that Poison was playing a few days later even further out west in Buffalo. I convinced my friends that we needed to go again. I begged, pleaded, cried and chanted "Poison! Poison!" and I finally got my way. With no money or tickets, we headed out on what was supposed to be a 4 hour trip. My friend wrote a check to fill up the tank with gas, we got some snacks and off we went. Several wrong turns and SEVEN hours later we finally made it. We get up to the ticket counter to buy our tickets.....with a check.....and were told they don't accept checks. I think we got the deer-in-headlights look before we started begging unsuccessfully.
We left the ticket area, defeated. But not completely. My friend had the idea that we should go around to the back of the building where she thought the tour bus would pull in, so we did. Nobody was there so we waited. Then a few other people showed up and finally the tour bus showed up. The band gets off the bus and my friend starts screaming to them that they wouldn't let us in to the show and could they help us. They motioned for us to come closer and she took off running toward them. My friend and were embarassed and afraid so we stayed behind the gates. My other friend comes back a few moments later and told us we were "in"! Oh the joy! CC DeVille told us to wait there and they will get us in. About an hour goes by and by then we thought he had played a cruel joke on us. But we were determined to see them so we waited. Finally one of the backstage managers got us and told us to come with them. He brought us to our seats which were on the side of the stage, but close. (I learned later that were seated in the slut/groupie section, but was so thankful we didn't have to perform any favors for getting in to the show LOL) It was awesome! We even met Bret afterwards at his bus where he was signing autographs. I wanted to take him right there and make babies with him. Sigh.
One other glorious moment was when I was the "Win a Phone Call from Poison" contest in Metal Edge magazine. When entering the contest, it asked me who I would want to call me if I won. I put down Bret Michaels (duh!) Months later, I learned that I won! Even more months later I got the call from their manager who told me Bret would not be able to call me, but Rikki Rocket would. I was bummed but excited anyway. Rikki talked to me for a good 20 minutes or so and I was able to wrangle more concert tickets from him for that summer. We met him and I met Bret again and I've been in love ever since. Even through their breakups and hiatuses I never forgot them.
I'm no longer really a fan of rock and roll.....but Poison will be my favorite band forever and ever! I can't wait until next weekend!
Anyway, Poison and I go way back. Back to 1988 I believe, when they were one of the hottest and prettiest glam bands around. I did not fall in love with Bret Michaels at that time though. He was too pretty for me and I didn't want to look like the guy in my relationship. But after he wiped off most of his make up and washed out a majority of hairspray, that is when I fell in love. Plus I've always loved their music and I later proved that I would do almost anything to see them. Twice in one week during college in 1990, my two friends and I traveled across the state to attend their concerts....without any money or tickets. If memory serves me correctly, we either won tickets or bought them for the first show in Syracuse. We had enough for a tank of gas to get us there and back. We had an awesome time at the show and came back to the dorms feeling like we were on top of the world. I could have sworn too that Bret was looking at me when he sang. He did, he really did! LOL
We learned that Poison was playing a few days later even further out west in Buffalo. I convinced my friends that we needed to go again. I begged, pleaded, cried and chanted "Poison! Poison!" and I finally got my way. With no money or tickets, we headed out on what was supposed to be a 4 hour trip. My friend wrote a check to fill up the tank with gas, we got some snacks and off we went. Several wrong turns and SEVEN hours later we finally made it. We get up to the ticket counter to buy our tickets.....with a check.....and were told they don't accept checks. I think we got the deer-in-headlights look before we started begging unsuccessfully.
We left the ticket area, defeated. But not completely. My friend had the idea that we should go around to the back of the building where she thought the tour bus would pull in, so we did. Nobody was there so we waited. Then a few other people showed up and finally the tour bus showed up. The band gets off the bus and my friend starts screaming to them that they wouldn't let us in to the show and could they help us. They motioned for us to come closer and she took off running toward them. My friend and were embarassed and afraid so we stayed behind the gates. My other friend comes back a few moments later and told us we were "in"! Oh the joy! CC DeVille told us to wait there and they will get us in. About an hour goes by and by then we thought he had played a cruel joke on us. But we were determined to see them so we waited. Finally one of the backstage managers got us and told us to come with them. He brought us to our seats which were on the side of the stage, but close. (I learned later that were seated in the slut/groupie section, but was so thankful we didn't have to perform any favors for getting in to the show LOL) It was awesome! We even met Bret afterwards at his bus where he was signing autographs. I wanted to take him right there and make babies with him. Sigh.
One other glorious moment was when I was the "Win a Phone Call from Poison" contest in Metal Edge magazine. When entering the contest, it asked me who I would want to call me if I won. I put down Bret Michaels (duh!) Months later, I learned that I won! Even more months later I got the call from their manager who told me Bret would not be able to call me, but Rikki Rocket would. I was bummed but excited anyway. Rikki talked to me for a good 20 minutes or so and I was able to wrangle more concert tickets from him for that summer. We met him and I met Bret again and I've been in love ever since. Even through their breakups and hiatuses I never forgot them.
I'm no longer really a fan of rock and roll.....but Poison will be my favorite band forever and ever! I can't wait until next weekend!
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
R.I.P.
There are those moments in life that can snap you back in to reality. It's what you do with those moments that matter. As much as I've been stressing out over my son not doing what he is supposed to do in school (which is still a big deal) and then not being on the track team like I asked him to, a shocking thing happened which jerked me back in to reality.
A 17 year old boy that my son played baseball with for two years died this past weekend. He went in to the hospital with pneumonia last week and while he was there, he contracted a form of staph infection and died. It's shocking and devastating. Not that any type of death is easier to deal with, but it's just so out there and tragic and I can't even begin to imagine what his parents are going through right now. I can't imagine what it would be like to have my child here one day and gone the next.....or the confusion and rage they feel over something so senseless and avoidable.
One of my biggest fears is something happening to my son. So if he doesn't want to be on the track team, doesn't want to clean his room, plays too many video games, doesn't clean up after himself or sometimes acts like the laziest kid I know....I have to remember that he is still here. Most of the other stuff doesn't matter. It's easy to get caught up in life and forget these little reminders but I'm going to try like hell not to. I gave my boy extra hugs today and thank God I have the opportunity to do that.
R.I.P. Kyle Gagnon.....you are missed by many.
A 17 year old boy that my son played baseball with for two years died this past weekend. He went in to the hospital with pneumonia last week and while he was there, he contracted a form of staph infection and died. It's shocking and devastating. Not that any type of death is easier to deal with, but it's just so out there and tragic and I can't even begin to imagine what his parents are going through right now. I can't imagine what it would be like to have my child here one day and gone the next.....or the confusion and rage they feel over something so senseless and avoidable.
One of my biggest fears is something happening to my son. So if he doesn't want to be on the track team, doesn't want to clean his room, plays too many video games, doesn't clean up after himself or sometimes acts like the laziest kid I know....I have to remember that he is still here. Most of the other stuff doesn't matter. It's easy to get caught up in life and forget these little reminders but I'm going to try like hell not to. I gave my boy extra hugs today and thank God I have the opportunity to do that.
R.I.P. Kyle Gagnon.....you are missed by many.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Oh the Memories...
Oh the memories
I went to my friends house on Friday night. She had been promising me for months to dig out this notebook that we used to write in during our business class in high school. I actually remember those days. It started out with me writing her a 'poem'.....at least she thought it was and that I had to inform her sadly that I wrote the lyrics to the "Golden Girls" (LMAO)
Thank you for being a friend
Travel down the road and back again
Your heart is true
Your a pal and a confidante
And if you threw a party
Invited everyone you knew
You would see
The biggest gift would be from me
And the card attached would say...
Thank you for being a friend
Looking back at the stuff I realize I was as much of a character then as I was now. Sometimes I don't give myself enough credit. I have a great personality and an awesome sense of humor! How could anyone NOT love me? ;o)
This weekend was busy. Saturday I worked out with my friend. Then later in the day I went to the mall to look for a new laptop. I was set on getting a mini laptop until I realized that the cost of that plus an external CD/DVD drive that I need, would equal the cost of a laptop they had on sale. So I walked out with a $430 Compaq and I love it! When I get some extra money I'll get my other one cleaned up and give one of the two to my son. After that I went and had dinner by myself at Sbarro's while I waited for the movie "He's Not That Into You" It was really cute! Some of it was a little far fetched.....like portraying the idea that women sit there and stare at the phone, waiting for the guy to fall. Do women really do that? Because I think I take the cake as far as being available (not a good thing!) for a guy but I never sit and stare at the phone. LOL But over all it was really cute. I also realized that I doing dinner and movies by myself sometimes!
Sunday was a total lazy day. I had every intention of going out, but I had one of my dark days and instead of fighting it, I just stayed in and did stuff around the house.
I've been doing good with working out, terrible with eating. Why can't I have both at the same time? I desperately want to lose weight but right now all I'm doing is maintaining. GRRRRRR
I went to my friends house on Friday night. She had been promising me for months to dig out this notebook that we used to write in during our business class in high school. I actually remember those days. It started out with me writing her a 'poem'.....at least she thought it was and that I had to inform her sadly that I wrote the lyrics to the "Golden Girls" (LMAO)
Thank you for being a friend
Travel down the road and back again
Your heart is true
Your a pal and a confidante
And if you threw a party
Invited everyone you knew
You would see
The biggest gift would be from me
And the card attached would say...
Thank you for being a friend
Looking back at the stuff I realize I was as much of a character then as I was now. Sometimes I don't give myself enough credit. I have a great personality and an awesome sense of humor! How could anyone NOT love me? ;o)
This weekend was busy. Saturday I worked out with my friend. Then later in the day I went to the mall to look for a new laptop. I was set on getting a mini laptop until I realized that the cost of that plus an external CD/DVD drive that I need, would equal the cost of a laptop they had on sale. So I walked out with a $430 Compaq and I love it! When I get some extra money I'll get my other one cleaned up and give one of the two to my son. After that I went and had dinner by myself at Sbarro's while I waited for the movie "He's Not That Into You" It was really cute! Some of it was a little far fetched.....like portraying the idea that women sit there and stare at the phone, waiting for the guy to fall. Do women really do that? Because I think I take the cake as far as being available (not a good thing!) for a guy but I never sit and stare at the phone. LOL But over all it was really cute. I also realized that I doing dinner and movies by myself sometimes!
Sunday was a total lazy day. I had every intention of going out, but I had one of my dark days and instead of fighting it, I just stayed in and did stuff around the house.
I've been doing good with working out, terrible with eating. Why can't I have both at the same time? I desperately want to lose weight but right now all I'm doing is maintaining. GRRRRRR
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Parenthood
I've been a parent for almost 16 years and honestly it's been easy. My son never gave me any problems, even as a baby. He never went through terrible 2's or gave me attitude about anything. Even now, he's really good for the most part.
However....
I don't think I've known a more lazy kid in my life. He does not want to do anything but watch TV and play video games. He is a quiet kid, very likeable and has plenty of friends at school. But that's where it ends. He never has friends over and doesn't really care to. He is painfully shy when it comes to meeting new people. He hates entering new situations because he feels embarassed. I sooooo remember being embarassed as a teen, but not that bad.
He tried out for the JV team this year but did not make it because there were so many kids trying out. Because of his anti-social behavior, I told him he has to try for another sport or a club. The only other sport is track, and they don't cut anyone. He was adamantly against it. I told him to at least check it out, and one of his friends on the team will even bring him to the coach. Do you think he could have done that? No. Then on top of that, he gives me attitude about it!
He's such a good kid, but I am beginning to see that my days are easy parenting may be coming to an end.
However....
I don't think I've known a more lazy kid in my life. He does not want to do anything but watch TV and play video games. He is a quiet kid, very likeable and has plenty of friends at school. But that's where it ends. He never has friends over and doesn't really care to. He is painfully shy when it comes to meeting new people. He hates entering new situations because he feels embarassed. I sooooo remember being embarassed as a teen, but not that bad.
He tried out for the JV team this year but did not make it because there were so many kids trying out. Because of his anti-social behavior, I told him he has to try for another sport or a club. The only other sport is track, and they don't cut anyone. He was adamantly against it. I told him to at least check it out, and one of his friends on the team will even bring him to the coach. Do you think he could have done that? No. Then on top of that, he gives me attitude about it!
He's such a good kid, but I am beginning to see that my days are easy parenting may be coming to an end.
Monday, March 16, 2009
I'll take an order of Excitement to go, please...
Another one of my new goals is not to mention a certain person in this blog anymore. At least not until I can do so without caring. Now it's going to be all about ME.
Today was a long day to get through. Just feeling mopey but doing ok with it. I brought my gym clothes with me and I'll be meeting my friend after work. I already can't wait to get that over with, but I know I will feel great that I did it. I'm toying with the idea of having a 2nd gym membership. My current gym does not have any classes and I really miss doing step aerobics. There's another gym that I could join and I would be paying $19.99 for each. I wouldn't give up my current membership because that is where my friend belongs and I will still like the option of going with her. I have to think about it more though. I need variety in my workouts. I figure a few days a week on the machines and a few doing classes would be perfect!
I need more excitement in my life. There has to be something more than getting up, going to work, working out, coming home and being a mom and watching TV. I would love to plan a trip, even a weekend trip with my son. But I don't really have the money. I desperately need a new car by the end of the year and all the money I have in savings will go to that.....if I don't keep dipping in to it, that is. I'm going to do some research and see what I can come up with.
Today was a long day to get through. Just feeling mopey but doing ok with it. I brought my gym clothes with me and I'll be meeting my friend after work. I already can't wait to get that over with, but I know I will feel great that I did it. I'm toying with the idea of having a 2nd gym membership. My current gym does not have any classes and I really miss doing step aerobics. There's another gym that I could join and I would be paying $19.99 for each. I wouldn't give up my current membership because that is where my friend belongs and I will still like the option of going with her. I have to think about it more though. I need variety in my workouts. I figure a few days a week on the machines and a few doing classes would be perfect!
I need more excitement in my life. There has to be something more than getting up, going to work, working out, coming home and being a mom and watching TV. I would love to plan a trip, even a weekend trip with my son. But I don't really have the money. I desperately need a new car by the end of the year and all the money I have in savings will go to that.....if I don't keep dipping in to it, that is. I'm going to do some research and see what I can come up with.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Second Job
Since my newfound dedication to MYSELF...I'm realizing it's like a second job. It actually takes effort to think about my own needs, and staying positive and not dwelling on what's wrong. But I think so far I'm doing ok.
I do wake up in the morning and I think about McS. Yesterday morning I awoke from dreaming all night about him. They were intimate dreams too...ugh...and seemed very 'real'. I never have dreams like that.....I wonder why now? Am I being tested? GRRRR
This morning again I thought about him and it wasn't easy to shift the focus so I sat down and drafted an email.....but I'm not going to send it. Go me! I don't want to be the person anymore that shares every single thing I am thinking. That's what got me in to trouble sometimes. So just because I have feelings, it doesn't mean I have to share them. I want to be like a guy, darnit. LOL!
Yesterday I got out of the house for the day. I had coffee in the morning and then started feeling like I was getting too comfortable being lazy, so I put my workout clothes on and headed to the gym. I came home and took a shower and my son and I went to the movies. We went to see "Last House on the Left" which was good, but I did not expect it to be so gory and graphic. I didn't know much about the movie but I thought it was more of a horror film. It wasn't and I must admit some of the content kind of embarassed me as I was sitting next to my son. LOL But we had a good time. We walked the mall after and then I relaxed the rest of the day.
Getting out and doing things is such a good way to take my mind off what's going on. So many times I have been at home on the weekends just doing stuff around the house but my mind was very active. I over thought things, I tended to focus on everything that was going wrong and it's just not healthy. I'm taking it day-by-day and hoping I can keep this up because I'm really liking the new me.
I do wake up in the morning and I think about McS. Yesterday morning I awoke from dreaming all night about him. They were intimate dreams too...ugh...and seemed very 'real'. I never have dreams like that.....I wonder why now? Am I being tested? GRRRR
This morning again I thought about him and it wasn't easy to shift the focus so I sat down and drafted an email.....but I'm not going to send it. Go me! I don't want to be the person anymore that shares every single thing I am thinking. That's what got me in to trouble sometimes. So just because I have feelings, it doesn't mean I have to share them. I want to be like a guy, darnit. LOL!
Yesterday I got out of the house for the day. I had coffee in the morning and then started feeling like I was getting too comfortable being lazy, so I put my workout clothes on and headed to the gym. I came home and took a shower and my son and I went to the movies. We went to see "Last House on the Left" which was good, but I did not expect it to be so gory and graphic. I didn't know much about the movie but I thought it was more of a horror film. It wasn't and I must admit some of the content kind of embarassed me as I was sitting next to my son. LOL But we had a good time. We walked the mall after and then I relaxed the rest of the day.
Getting out and doing things is such a good way to take my mind off what's going on. So many times I have been at home on the weekends just doing stuff around the house but my mind was very active. I over thought things, I tended to focus on everything that was going wrong and it's just not healthy. I'm taking it day-by-day and hoping I can keep this up because I'm really liking the new me.
Friday, March 13, 2009
"Me" Overhaul
I've done a lot of self-reflecting lately due to some things that have been going on in my life. I've pondered why I put myself in situations that aren't good for me, and why I keep repeating the same mistakes over and over. I've come to the conclusion that I need to make some changes within myself in order to not only be happy and healthy, but also to get the things I want in life.
I've known for a long, long time that I have a low self esteem. Somewhere along the line I convinced myself that I am not good enough for any guy. Through that, I have managed to settle for far less than I deserve and have thought it was ok because at least I was getting a little bit of what I wanted.
But it's not ok. I deserve to love myself. I deserve to feel good about myself and to feel worthy of any man. I deserve to feel confident and to be treated right. I deserve to tell myself when something isn't good enough for me. I deserve to have someone give their all to me for a change. But I can't get any of those things unless I work on myself first.
So last night I developed a check list of things I need to do for myself to start to feel better. It's not necessarily in order except for the first one.
1. Diet/exercise - Work out at least 5 days/week. Stop obsessing about eating right and just eat what I know I should be eating. Don't eat for taste, eat to live.
2. Be positive - I tend to think negatively about a lot of things because it keeps me from being disappointed.
3. Stop agonizing over the things I cannot change/Let go of the past. Also included with this is to stop being the "victim" and crying about how I've been "wronged" in my past relationships. Bad things can happen to good people, time to get over it and learn from my mistakes!
4. Stop looking for trouble - when I'm in a relationship I tend to start looking for things to be wrong because that is all I have been used to. I need to stop doing that and live in the moment.
5. Give myself things to look forward to - big or small....movies, shopping trips, vacations, etc.
6. Start getting out more - with friends and by myself. It doesn't necessarily need to be a bar, just to be out doing things I like to do.
7. Pamper myself to feel pretty - hair, mani/pedi and maybe even treat myself to a massage sometimes. Spend the extra money on the good makeup and other things that make me feel good.
8. Be more outgoing - Only people close to me know the real me. When I'm around people I don't know, I tend to be more of a chill person and I like to listen and observe rather than talk. I need to talk more and show people my true personality.
9. Start realizing that I don't have to settle, I deserve to be treated right! I need to stop allowing myself to be in situations that I know aren't good for me.
10. Stop being so available. Whenever I'm in a relationship or being pursued by a guy I'm always available. I never thought it to be a problem because I like to talk to and spend time with the person I'm seeing. But I don't always have to be around. I don't always have to pick up the phone whenever they call. I hear all the time that guys like a challenge and I need to be confident enough to know that if I'm not around, they won't just move on to the next person.
11. Filter how much I give of myself. I tend to go all out in my relationships right away and I think that most guys end up taking me for granted, even if they don't mean to. I fall too quickly and a relationship works best when both parties are on the same page.
12. Church - it might sound crazy but I think somehow my life will be better if I focus a little more on my relationship with God. I won't promise myself to go to church every Sunday but I would like to start praying more and not just for selfish things. I also would like to start reading the bible. I've set a goal to read the bible I have at home now from cover to cover. Then maybe when I'm done with that, I would like to get another version.
So that's what I have come up with so far. I really want to do this for myself so I can live a better life.
I've known for a long, long time that I have a low self esteem. Somewhere along the line I convinced myself that I am not good enough for any guy. Through that, I have managed to settle for far less than I deserve and have thought it was ok because at least I was getting a little bit of what I wanted.
But it's not ok. I deserve to love myself. I deserve to feel good about myself and to feel worthy of any man. I deserve to feel confident and to be treated right. I deserve to tell myself when something isn't good enough for me. I deserve to have someone give their all to me for a change. But I can't get any of those things unless I work on myself first.
So last night I developed a check list of things I need to do for myself to start to feel better. It's not necessarily in order except for the first one.
1. Diet/exercise - Work out at least 5 days/week. Stop obsessing about eating right and just eat what I know I should be eating. Don't eat for taste, eat to live.
2. Be positive - I tend to think negatively about a lot of things because it keeps me from being disappointed.
3. Stop agonizing over the things I cannot change/Let go of the past. Also included with this is to stop being the "victim" and crying about how I've been "wronged" in my past relationships. Bad things can happen to good people, time to get over it and learn from my mistakes!
4. Stop looking for trouble - when I'm in a relationship I tend to start looking for things to be wrong because that is all I have been used to. I need to stop doing that and live in the moment.
5. Give myself things to look forward to - big or small....movies, shopping trips, vacations, etc.
6. Start getting out more - with friends and by myself. It doesn't necessarily need to be a bar, just to be out doing things I like to do.
7. Pamper myself to feel pretty - hair, mani/pedi and maybe even treat myself to a massage sometimes. Spend the extra money on the good makeup and other things that make me feel good.
8. Be more outgoing - Only people close to me know the real me. When I'm around people I don't know, I tend to be more of a chill person and I like to listen and observe rather than talk. I need to talk more and show people my true personality.
9. Start realizing that I don't have to settle, I deserve to be treated right! I need to stop allowing myself to be in situations that I know aren't good for me.
10. Stop being so available. Whenever I'm in a relationship or being pursued by a guy I'm always available. I never thought it to be a problem because I like to talk to and spend time with the person I'm seeing. But I don't always have to be around. I don't always have to pick up the phone whenever they call. I hear all the time that guys like a challenge and I need to be confident enough to know that if I'm not around, they won't just move on to the next person.
11. Filter how much I give of myself. I tend to go all out in my relationships right away and I think that most guys end up taking me for granted, even if they don't mean to. I fall too quickly and a relationship works best when both parties are on the same page.
12. Church - it might sound crazy but I think somehow my life will be better if I focus a little more on my relationship with God. I won't promise myself to go to church every Sunday but I would like to start praying more and not just for selfish things. I also would like to start reading the bible. I've set a goal to read the bible I have at home now from cover to cover. Then maybe when I'm done with that, I would like to get another version.
So that's what I have come up with so far. I really want to do this for myself so I can live a better life.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Maybe I Was Hasty...
It wouldn't be the first time that I was hasty or made a rash judgement, and I'm sure it won't be the last. I laugh now about my "Bachelor" post the other night because I was so passionate about it, like I was the one that Jason broke up with on National television. LOL Hey what can I say, I love my shows...they are my entertainment. I'm also a pro at getting my heart broken, so I know what Melissa was going through.
But later on that night, I watched Jason's interview with Jimmy Kimmel and at first it was him saying the same old stuff. "I had to follow my heart" "I had to do what was right for me" "Melissa is a perfect girl, I hated hurting her". Blah, blah, blah. I didn't care about any of those things. I wanted to know WHY he did it in public. Finally Jimmy Kimmel asked that question. Why did you do it on national television? Jason's response was "I had to". While he didn't come right out and say that ABC made him do it, he did say that his relationships with all of the women were on television, and he had to do what he did on TV. So, I don't know if the whole thing was staged and he was never really going to be with Melissa, or if the producers of the show told Jason to break up with her on TV when they heard things going well. Either way I can understand better now and my anger (LOL) shouldn't be at Jason, it should be at the producers of the show. Talk about steeping to low levels just for ratings!! I don't know if I will watch the show anymore. Sure, I like drama......but if it's all a set up, what's the point of watching?
Anyway, enough of that rubbish. I was going to write more about what was going on in my life with McS, as things took a turn for the worst but I'm not going to go into. I'm dumb for trying to be friends with him after he broke my heart. I'm dumb for knowing he's selfish and accepting it. And now I have ruined things by being psycho to him and he isn't speaking to me and probably never will again. It hurts so much right now. I got drunk last night by myself. It made me feel relaxed, except I think I had one beer too many because I felt a tiny bit hungover. Tonight I will have one less. I don't know how people get drunk night after night, I don't think I could handle it. But I could really see how someone could become an alcoholic though. It makes pain more tolerable.
In the long run this is probably for the best. I just wish the "long run" would get here quick.
I'm so glad that I have tomorrow off and am leaving early today!! That does bring me happiness. I'm supposed to meet up with two friends I haven't seen in ages tomorrow. I hope I feel up for going. I've cancelled way too many times because of whatever was going on in my life at the time.
I know I need to make some changes and get myself together. It's taking the first step that is the hard part.
But later on that night, I watched Jason's interview with Jimmy Kimmel and at first it was him saying the same old stuff. "I had to follow my heart" "I had to do what was right for me" "Melissa is a perfect girl, I hated hurting her". Blah, blah, blah. I didn't care about any of those things. I wanted to know WHY he did it in public. Finally Jimmy Kimmel asked that question. Why did you do it on national television? Jason's response was "I had to". While he didn't come right out and say that ABC made him do it, he did say that his relationships with all of the women were on television, and he had to do what he did on TV. So, I don't know if the whole thing was staged and he was never really going to be with Melissa, or if the producers of the show told Jason to break up with her on TV when they heard things going well. Either way I can understand better now and my anger (LOL) shouldn't be at Jason, it should be at the producers of the show. Talk about steeping to low levels just for ratings!! I don't know if I will watch the show anymore. Sure, I like drama......but if it's all a set up, what's the point of watching?
Anyway, enough of that rubbish. I was going to write more about what was going on in my life with McS, as things took a turn for the worst but I'm not going to go into. I'm dumb for trying to be friends with him after he broke my heart. I'm dumb for knowing he's selfish and accepting it. And now I have ruined things by being psycho to him and he isn't speaking to me and probably never will again. It hurts so much right now. I got drunk last night by myself. It made me feel relaxed, except I think I had one beer too many because I felt a tiny bit hungover. Tonight I will have one less. I don't know how people get drunk night after night, I don't think I could handle it. But I could really see how someone could become an alcoholic though. It makes pain more tolerable.
In the long run this is probably for the best. I just wish the "long run" would get here quick.
I'm so glad that I have tomorrow off and am leaving early today!! That does bring me happiness. I'm supposed to meet up with two friends I haven't seen in ages tomorrow. I hope I feel up for going. I've cancelled way too many times because of whatever was going on in my life at the time.
I know I need to make some changes and get myself together. It's taking the first step that is the hard part.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Jason Mesnick, you disappoint me!
I've started several other blogs in the last week or so but I have not had time to finish because I've been busy. Today, however, I will make the time to talk about the controversial final show of the Bachelor last night. I normally don't comment too much about shows. I save all that for discussions with my friends. But last night's show deserves comment.
First of all, let me start out by saying that I loved Jason Mesnick!! He seemed like a wonderful guy. He seemed perfect, which should have been a red flag to me in the beginning but I am known for ignoring red flags. Anyway Jason is handsome, funny, charming, sensitive and sweet. He has a really nice body, seems to be a wonderful father and he's one of the rare few guys that is able to put his heart on his sleeve and be real about what he wants without all the games.......or so that is what we were led to believe.
At the end of the final show, I still loved Jason Mesnick and he picked Melissa, asked her to marry him and it seemed like they would live happily ever after. Three short minutes later I was shocked, disgusted and proven to be horribly wrong. Jason brings poor Melissa on the after show only to tell her that the chemistry wasn't there between them anymore, and that for a few weeks prior, he had not been able to stop thinking about Molly, the girl he DIDN'T choose. Hm.
I had to put myself in check because right away I was bashing him silently in my head for breaking this girl's heart. Getting your heart broken is the worst feeling in the world, but really how can you blame someone for not being in love with you? You can't.
You can, however, blame them for how they handle a situation. Jason and Melissa spent some time together after the show. They even spent the holidays together. I gathered from what they said on the show that they talked on the phone and texted often since they couldn't be seen in public together. So during any of that time, do you think Jason maybe could have arranged for a secret visit to her or even called her up on the phone to tell her all this, instead of bringing her on National television to humiliate her? I guess that would be asking too much?
I realize this is a "reality" show and it was probably done for the ratings. But if that's the case, ABC really outdid themselves this time. It's one thing to have all these women putting themselves out there (and some making fools of themselves) to find love. It's another thing to publicly humiliate someone to get some ratings. Not only that, but what about the fans of the show? What about the people that took two hours out of their night every Monday to follow the story of the single dad from Seattle, WA who had his own heart broken by his ex-wife, and who was trying to find love? What a waste of time! Many people would say that watching a crappy show like this is a waste of time in itself, but whatever. People find entertainment in their own way.
I'm disgusted with what Jason did to Melissa. It was cruel, unnecessary and heartless. Maybe I'm naieve but I thought he was one of the good guys. Because let's face it,....these days finding a good guy that self-absorbed, selfish, dishonest or TAKEN isn't an easy task.. I guess Jason proves that to be true.
Tonight is part 2 of the "After the Rose" show and I'm not one to wish heart break on anyone, but I hope that Molly has dumped him since the taping. I hope he ends up being alone and unlucky in love. Then maybe he'll have some time to spend with himself figuring out how to actually treat a woman before going on National TV trying to find one.
I was reading an article today and I came across someone's blog and this person summed it up perfectly and it's exactly the way that I feel. (Except for the last one which I will paragraph which I will modify to fit my own life). These are the things that I believe to be true:
Tears don’t mean someone is sensitive. I tend to be very trusting of people and if they cry, I feel bad for them. When Jason cried I interpreted it as genuine concern for the women. Nope. Jason is just immature.
Editing can make someone into anyone. Then I started to think maybe Jason wasn’t that great all along. Maybe it was just really, really, really good editing.
I watch too much reality TV. I see it as entertainment, a way to relax after a day of work. But after last night I feel like it is a waste of my precsious life.
I am so blessed. I am blessed that any heartbreak I've ever gone through has been in the privacy of my own life. Not displayed on National TV for the entire world to see.
Oh and one last thing. Ty? If you are looking for a positive role model, please look further than your father.
There, I'm done venting. For now. :o)
First of all, let me start out by saying that I loved Jason Mesnick!! He seemed like a wonderful guy. He seemed perfect, which should have been a red flag to me in the beginning but I am known for ignoring red flags. Anyway Jason is handsome, funny, charming, sensitive and sweet. He has a really nice body, seems to be a wonderful father and he's one of the rare few guys that is able to put his heart on his sleeve and be real about what he wants without all the games.......or so that is what we were led to believe.
At the end of the final show, I still loved Jason Mesnick and he picked Melissa, asked her to marry him and it seemed like they would live happily ever after. Three short minutes later I was shocked, disgusted and proven to be horribly wrong. Jason brings poor Melissa on the after show only to tell her that the chemistry wasn't there between them anymore, and that for a few weeks prior, he had not been able to stop thinking about Molly, the girl he DIDN'T choose. Hm.
I had to put myself in check because right away I was bashing him silently in my head for breaking this girl's heart. Getting your heart broken is the worst feeling in the world, but really how can you blame someone for not being in love with you? You can't.
You can, however, blame them for how they handle a situation. Jason and Melissa spent some time together after the show. They even spent the holidays together. I gathered from what they said on the show that they talked on the phone and texted often since they couldn't be seen in public together. So during any of that time, do you think Jason maybe could have arranged for a secret visit to her or even called her up on the phone to tell her all this, instead of bringing her on National television to humiliate her? I guess that would be asking too much?
I realize this is a "reality" show and it was probably done for the ratings. But if that's the case, ABC really outdid themselves this time. It's one thing to have all these women putting themselves out there (and some making fools of themselves) to find love. It's another thing to publicly humiliate someone to get some ratings. Not only that, but what about the fans of the show? What about the people that took two hours out of their night every Monday to follow the story of the single dad from Seattle, WA who had his own heart broken by his ex-wife, and who was trying to find love? What a waste of time! Many people would say that watching a crappy show like this is a waste of time in itself, but whatever. People find entertainment in their own way.
I'm disgusted with what Jason did to Melissa. It was cruel, unnecessary and heartless. Maybe I'm naieve but I thought he was one of the good guys. Because let's face it,....these days finding a good guy that self-absorbed, selfish, dishonest or TAKEN isn't an easy task.. I guess Jason proves that to be true.
Tonight is part 2 of the "After the Rose" show and I'm not one to wish heart break on anyone, but I hope that Molly has dumped him since the taping. I hope he ends up being alone and unlucky in love. Then maybe he'll have some time to spend with himself figuring out how to actually treat a woman before going on National TV trying to find one.
I was reading an article today and I came across someone's blog and this person summed it up perfectly and it's exactly the way that I feel. (Except for the last one which I will paragraph which I will modify to fit my own life). These are the things that I believe to be true:
Tears don’t mean someone is sensitive. I tend to be very trusting of people and if they cry, I feel bad for them. When Jason cried I interpreted it as genuine concern for the women. Nope. Jason is just immature.
Editing can make someone into anyone. Then I started to think maybe Jason wasn’t that great all along. Maybe it was just really, really, really good editing.
I watch too much reality TV. I see it as entertainment, a way to relax after a day of work. But after last night I feel like it is a waste of my precsious life.
I am so blessed. I am blessed that any heartbreak I've ever gone through has been in the privacy of my own life. Not displayed on National TV for the entire world to see.
Oh and one last thing. Ty? If you are looking for a positive role model, please look further than your father.
There, I'm done venting. For now. :o)
Monday, February 16, 2009
What I Needed
*Note: I actually posted this on Thursday, 2/19 but for some reason has 2/16 as the date. Whatever!
I started this blog on Monday and then I saved it and I never came back to it. So I'm starting fresh. Since I last wrote, I have been doing much better. I think one of the things I needed the most was to say my peace to McS. He always gets to say what he wants to say and then he runs away from any confrontation he thinks he might get from me, which drives me crazy. Then I'll try to call him and he'll avoid my phone calls and that's what gets me so angry and my need to blow up his phone with texts, because that's the only way he will let me communicate with him.
Anyway I can't even remember which day it was now but we had it out and I was very frank with him. In my heart of hearts I know I shouldn't even talk to him. But I have to ween myself away from him. I can't go cold turkey, it just feels too hard. So when we had our conversation, I was able to tell him the things I needed, including telling him that I am happier when we are not talking. I know that's harsh and I don't mean that 100% but it was really my way of letting him know what frame of mind I was in. Ever since I told him that though his whole attitude has changed towards me. He's putting more of an effort in to talking with me, which I guess contradicts my whole goal of leaving this situation alone. But right now I'm just taking it day by day and liking the fact that I do not feel so low.
I've also decided I need to stop devoting entire posts about him. There are other things in my life that I can write about! I really need to start journaling more about weight loss. I'm kind of annoyed at myself a little bit. Before last week I had been working really hard in the gym, about 4 days a week and burning at least 450 calories per workout. Then this mess happens and I get down and depressed and I lose all motivation and I only worked out once last week. This past weekend, I sabotaged myself by eating terribly. I ate everything and anything I wanted. By Monday, after I finished off an entire bag of chocolate hearts and my stomach was hurting, I knew I had to get back on track. So I did. My problem is still the night time eating. I'll have dinner and be satisfied from it, and I'll even have my little dessert (SF pudding with cool whip) but then because I stay up late, I get hungry in the evening and I end up snacking on things I shouldn't be snacking on. I put things in my mouth, knowing at that very moment that I shouldn't be doing it....but I do it anyway. What gives? That's like me putting my hand over an open flame, knowing that I shouldn't do it because the results would be harmful, but doing it anyway. DUH. I really need to stop. I can't go to bed earlier, my body won't let me. Having healthy snacks like carrots will not help me either, because they will do nothing for me and so I'll end up eating carrots, and then something else. The only thing I can think of is to eat dinner later. As it is right now, I don't eat until around 7:30 at night because of my gym time, and I hear that it's really not good for you to eat after 8:00. But if I am working out and I happen to eat at 9:00, would that still be bad? Ugh, I don't know.
Today I accidentally caught a glimpse of myself in the full-length mirror here at work (I think I did this a couple of weeks ago, and blogged about it too LOL). I tried to shield my eyes, but they weren't big enough to cover the girth that was staring back at me. It's time to take action.
On to other things. American Idol first. I don't know the girls name, but she's the really dramatic one that cries a lot and is very theatrical when she speaks or moves. She got eliminated last night and I was actually embarassed watching it, even though I was alone. I understand how completely earth shattering it is to feel your dream slip away at the moment, but she was the only one of the bunch that did not clap or get in to that other guy's song when he was singing it. I must admit she does bring drama to the show and it's kind of funny to watch. I got kind of confused though. Ryan Seacrest said there are 12 opens spots, and each group gets 3 members selected to be in the Top 12. But if there are 3 groups of 12, that means only 9 are picked and there are three open spots. So why is he telling all the contestants that they are done? The remaining rejectees still have a shot. Or do they?
Lost. I love that show. I love it so much! This is only my 2nd season of watching and I am hooked. I'm hooked and confused and there's so many questions that need to be answered and I hope and pray they will answer them and not leave me hanging. I will be unhappy if that happens.
The Bachelor. I love Jason. He's not normally my type of guy, but I would totally marry him and spend my life with him. He's sexy and romantic and you can just tell he's a really good guy. I love that show, and I'm even more excited over the fact that the Bachelorette Deanna is coming back next week to make a plea to him to pick her over the other two girls, even after she dumped him on her show last year. It should be very interesting!
On to other ramblings. I got my new cell phone the other day. I got the Samsung Gravity, Lime and Grey. It's bigger than I thought it would be, but it's got the full QWERTY keyboard so I guess it can't be that small. I like it although the only flaw in it, which I'v read in the reviews, is that the battery life is not good. It loses battery quicker than normal phones. But so far so good! I am doing more texting now and it's funny because I tell all my friends that now I am going to text them for no good reason and just ramble because it's easier to do that now. LOL
Well that's it for now. I know this blog is long, random and probably boring! But I thought I should get some practice talking about other things and being positive. Yay me!
I started this blog on Monday and then I saved it and I never came back to it. So I'm starting fresh. Since I last wrote, I have been doing much better. I think one of the things I needed the most was to say my peace to McS. He always gets to say what he wants to say and then he runs away from any confrontation he thinks he might get from me, which drives me crazy. Then I'll try to call him and he'll avoid my phone calls and that's what gets me so angry and my need to blow up his phone with texts, because that's the only way he will let me communicate with him.
Anyway I can't even remember which day it was now but we had it out and I was very frank with him. In my heart of hearts I know I shouldn't even talk to him. But I have to ween myself away from him. I can't go cold turkey, it just feels too hard. So when we had our conversation, I was able to tell him the things I needed, including telling him that I am happier when we are not talking. I know that's harsh and I don't mean that 100% but it was really my way of letting him know what frame of mind I was in. Ever since I told him that though his whole attitude has changed towards me. He's putting more of an effort in to talking with me, which I guess contradicts my whole goal of leaving this situation alone. But right now I'm just taking it day by day and liking the fact that I do not feel so low.
I've also decided I need to stop devoting entire posts about him. There are other things in my life that I can write about! I really need to start journaling more about weight loss. I'm kind of annoyed at myself a little bit. Before last week I had been working really hard in the gym, about 4 days a week and burning at least 450 calories per workout. Then this mess happens and I get down and depressed and I lose all motivation and I only worked out once last week. This past weekend, I sabotaged myself by eating terribly. I ate everything and anything I wanted. By Monday, after I finished off an entire bag of chocolate hearts and my stomach was hurting, I knew I had to get back on track. So I did. My problem is still the night time eating. I'll have dinner and be satisfied from it, and I'll even have my little dessert (SF pudding with cool whip) but then because I stay up late, I get hungry in the evening and I end up snacking on things I shouldn't be snacking on. I put things in my mouth, knowing at that very moment that I shouldn't be doing it....but I do it anyway. What gives? That's like me putting my hand over an open flame, knowing that I shouldn't do it because the results would be harmful, but doing it anyway. DUH. I really need to stop. I can't go to bed earlier, my body won't let me. Having healthy snacks like carrots will not help me either, because they will do nothing for me and so I'll end up eating carrots, and then something else. The only thing I can think of is to eat dinner later. As it is right now, I don't eat until around 7:30 at night because of my gym time, and I hear that it's really not good for you to eat after 8:00. But if I am working out and I happen to eat at 9:00, would that still be bad? Ugh, I don't know.
Today I accidentally caught a glimpse of myself in the full-length mirror here at work (I think I did this a couple of weeks ago, and blogged about it too LOL). I tried to shield my eyes, but they weren't big enough to cover the girth that was staring back at me. It's time to take action.
On to other things. American Idol first. I don't know the girls name, but she's the really dramatic one that cries a lot and is very theatrical when she speaks or moves. She got eliminated last night and I was actually embarassed watching it, even though I was alone. I understand how completely earth shattering it is to feel your dream slip away at the moment, but she was the only one of the bunch that did not clap or get in to that other guy's song when he was singing it. I must admit she does bring drama to the show and it's kind of funny to watch. I got kind of confused though. Ryan Seacrest said there are 12 opens spots, and each group gets 3 members selected to be in the Top 12. But if there are 3 groups of 12, that means only 9 are picked and there are three open spots. So why is he telling all the contestants that they are done? The remaining rejectees still have a shot. Or do they?
Lost. I love that show. I love it so much! This is only my 2nd season of watching and I am hooked. I'm hooked and confused and there's so many questions that need to be answered and I hope and pray they will answer them and not leave me hanging. I will be unhappy if that happens.
The Bachelor. I love Jason. He's not normally my type of guy, but I would totally marry him and spend my life with him. He's sexy and romantic and you can just tell he's a really good guy. I love that show, and I'm even more excited over the fact that the Bachelorette Deanna is coming back next week to make a plea to him to pick her over the other two girls, even after she dumped him on her show last year. It should be very interesting!
On to other ramblings. I got my new cell phone the other day. I got the Samsung Gravity, Lime and Grey. It's bigger than I thought it would be, but it's got the full QWERTY keyboard so I guess it can't be that small. I like it although the only flaw in it, which I'v read in the reviews, is that the battery life is not good. It loses battery quicker than normal phones. But so far so good! I am doing more texting now and it's funny because I tell all my friends that now I am going to text them for no good reason and just ramble because it's easier to do that now. LOL
Well that's it for now. I know this blog is long, random and probably boring! But I thought I should get some practice talking about other things and being positive. Yay me!
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Happy Saturday
I say Happy Saturday because I refuse to acknowledge or celebrate the V word today. LOL And so I shall move on! Last night my son and I went to see Friday the 13th. I have to say it was GREAT. It wasn't a remake of the original. Same concept but different storyline. It was gory of course so I covered my eyes sometimes, but those movies don't 'scare' me. I'm glad I saw it in the theater because I liked hearing the 'oooohhh's and ahhhhh's' from the audience....oh and the clapping too. LOL I would actually see it again!
It was nice to get out and do something fun. Of course when I got back home the feelings of lonliness returned. I ended up going to bed early and waking up at 6:30 am. I never do that! I usually stay up pretty late and then sleep in until 9 or so. But I don't have anyone to stay awake for anymore. I'm not even trying to sound pathetic (LOL) it's just a fact. My feelings carried over in to today and I had another really bad morning. It's weird....I've been through breakups before. Some of them were really painful. But I have never felt like this in my whole life. I guess the best way I can explain it is, I feel like I need to get out of my own skin. I feel like I can't stand having the thoughts I have and I want to escape, but I can't.
But like someone very nice told me....I need to feel these emotions, all of them and sooner or later I will feel better. She rocks :o) So I will do that....I know this isn't forever but I sure can't wait to start feeling good again!
On to other things, my diet is horrible again and no workout since Tuesday. I really admire the people who can get themselves up and moving when they are feeling their worst. I am not one of those. Maybe next week I will force myself. I have a friend who I go to the gym with and I just told her I'm having some problems and not up to working out. She politely tried to encourage me but didn't push. I told her I would try next week.
I feel like such a martyr for writing all about McS and how terrible life is right now. I'm really not that negative! This has been such a great way for me to get feelings out. I've also written emails that I have not sent but as I'm writing down my angry feelings it really helps most of the time. (Sometimes it makes it worse though because I get even more mad. LOL But for the most part it's good). Anyway I hope one day I can give someone else advice. This sure is a rollercoaster but I know in the end I will be one hell of a strong girl :o) I will never let myself be this hurt again. That's it for now!
It was nice to get out and do something fun. Of course when I got back home the feelings of lonliness returned. I ended up going to bed early and waking up at 6:30 am. I never do that! I usually stay up pretty late and then sleep in until 9 or so. But I don't have anyone to stay awake for anymore. I'm not even trying to sound pathetic (LOL) it's just a fact. My feelings carried over in to today and I had another really bad morning. It's weird....I've been through breakups before. Some of them were really painful. But I have never felt like this in my whole life. I guess the best way I can explain it is, I feel like I need to get out of my own skin. I feel like I can't stand having the thoughts I have and I want to escape, but I can't.
But like someone very nice told me....I need to feel these emotions, all of them and sooner or later I will feel better. She rocks :o) So I will do that....I know this isn't forever but I sure can't wait to start feeling good again!
On to other things, my diet is horrible again and no workout since Tuesday. I really admire the people who can get themselves up and moving when they are feeling their worst. I am not one of those. Maybe next week I will force myself. I have a friend who I go to the gym with and I just told her I'm having some problems and not up to working out. She politely tried to encourage me but didn't push. I told her I would try next week.
I feel like such a martyr for writing all about McS and how terrible life is right now. I'm really not that negative! This has been such a great way for me to get feelings out. I've also written emails that I have not sent but as I'm writing down my angry feelings it really helps most of the time. (Sometimes it makes it worse though because I get even more mad. LOL But for the most part it's good). Anyway I hope one day I can give someone else advice. This sure is a rollercoaster but I know in the end I will be one hell of a strong girl :o) I will never let myself be this hurt again. That's it for now!
Friday, February 13, 2009
So yeah....
Last night/this morning I had one of those out-of-control moments that I really hope everyone has at some points in their lives.....or that will make me a real nutcase. Before during and after my last post I blew up McS's phone. I tried calling him and texting him and I got no response. At first it just started out wanting to have him make me feel better but then when I knew he was deliberately avoiding my calls, then it turned into rage. Rage because I am always there for him when he needs me, day or night...and rage because he's a cold-hearted sob, rage for so many other reasons. So I kept calling him and leaving texts. This morning also. That was my out-of-control behavior. I knew what I was doing was crazy and wrong but I didn't care. When he finally did pick up this morning he said that he knew I was calling him last night but he was tired and he thought I would be mad if he picked up the phone and said that he was too tired to talk. Which is untrue, I wouldn't be mad. But instead he just decides to let his phone ring and ring and ignore my calls.
Whatever, I am so sick of talking about him now. I really see that there is absolutely nothing to salvage here. I don't need a one-sided friendship. I really want the strength to let go. I'm not very religious.....I mean I do believe in God, but I don't go to church like I should....but I have been praying for God to help me out a little bit. I'm hanging on by a thread. My life as I knew it is changing, I have nothing to look forward to right now and all I want to do is sleep. Putting on a happy face at work is exhausting. I don't want to feel that way anymore. I want the motivation to go out and do things. I want to see friends, I want to forget about him. It's easier said than done but I keep asking God to help me. I hope we can both help me.
Anyway enough about that jerk! Tonight I am going to the movies with my son. We are seeing Friday the 13th....on Friday the 13th! LOL I'm kind of excited although I wonder if the remake will be as good as the original. I did enjoy the remake of Halloween though so I am hoping for good things out of this. Then I will come home and try to get some homework done, I've done nothing all week. Cleaning also needs to be done and my son is having a friend over tomorrow but that will probably wait until tomorrow. I am looking forward to having the 3-day weekend although the time I think the most is when on the weekends when I'm not as busy. I really need to change that. I need to force myself to do things. I am stronger than I feel.....I've overcome a lot....I can do this!
Whatever, I am so sick of talking about him now. I really see that there is absolutely nothing to salvage here. I don't need a one-sided friendship. I really want the strength to let go. I'm not very religious.....I mean I do believe in God, but I don't go to church like I should....but I have been praying for God to help me out a little bit. I'm hanging on by a thread. My life as I knew it is changing, I have nothing to look forward to right now and all I want to do is sleep. Putting on a happy face at work is exhausting. I don't want to feel that way anymore. I want the motivation to go out and do things. I want to see friends, I want to forget about him. It's easier said than done but I keep asking God to help me. I hope we can both help me.
Anyway enough about that jerk! Tonight I am going to the movies with my son. We are seeing Friday the 13th....on Friday the 13th! LOL I'm kind of excited although I wonder if the remake will be as good as the original. I did enjoy the remake of Halloween though so I am hoping for good things out of this. Then I will come home and try to get some homework done, I've done nothing all week. Cleaning also needs to be done and my son is having a friend over tomorrow but that will probably wait until tomorrow. I am looking forward to having the 3-day weekend although the time I think the most is when on the weekends when I'm not as busy. I really need to change that. I need to force myself to do things. I am stronger than I feel.....I've overcome a lot....I can do this!
Rollercoaster
I hate him. Here I was crying almost the whole day over him, thinking to myself that I couldn't possibly blame him for anything and how he was sad to have hurt me, and that's not the case at all. He's full of it. I needed him to just care about me today, even as a friend. I needed it to be about me for once. But I didn't get that. I got someone ice cold who only cares about avoiding uncomfortable emotion. He wants my friendship only on the condition that I'm happy otherwise he avoids me.
I consider myself to be a good friend. If he ever needed me I would be there without hesitation. Even if it was uncomfortable for me or inconvenient at the time, I would be there. But he can't do that. There are so many other factors he puts before our friendship. Whether he's tired, or hungry, or on his way out, or busy, or relaxing or not in the mood. When the hell is it a good time to seek out his friendship? So basically he can break my heart but I shouldn't expect to be able to cry to him? Nice.
Well one good thing about all this is now I'm PISSED. And I would rather be pissed than crying. Why the hell am I so emotional over this guy? What is there to love and miss??????
I consider myself to be a good friend. If he ever needed me I would be there without hesitation. Even if it was uncomfortable for me or inconvenient at the time, I would be there. But he can't do that. There are so many other factors he puts before our friendship. Whether he's tired, or hungry, or on his way out, or busy, or relaxing or not in the mood. When the hell is it a good time to seek out his friendship? So basically he can break my heart but I shouldn't expect to be able to cry to him? Nice.
Well one good thing about all this is now I'm PISSED. And I would rather be pissed than crying. Why the hell am I so emotional over this guy? What is there to love and miss??????
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Sick of Me
Today was worse than yesterday. It seems like the longest day of my life. I can't stop crying and it's hard to keep it together at work. A few times when I was alone at my desk I would cry and then hurry to stop myself and get myself together before anyone came in and saw me. For the first time ever, I feel there is no hope with the person I love. None. Last night he said (and yes I called him in the midst of a breakdown) that you never know what the future holds...but I can't wait for that. He wants to raise a family. He wants to be together with his ex and raise their child. I can't compete with that. I can't try to wait around and be his friend and be in love and then have him up and change his life and move in with this woman. That will devastate me again, even more so then now. All this time I thought if I stuck around I would always have a chance. I also thought that if I was out of his life, it would just push him closer to her and last night I realized it's not going to matter whether I am in or out of his life, he will be close to her no matter what. That is when it truly hit me that I am alone and I will never get to be with him again. It's the most desperate, gut-wrenching pain I've ever felt in my life. Everything feels hopeless and right now I don't care about anything except for my son. I don't want to talk to anyone, I just want to hide away from life for a while. I don't want to hear my friends tell me that I'm better off without him, or put him down because they already hate him for hurting me bad.
Truth be told, I don't blame him. How can I? He's a human being and he wants what he wants. He didn't intentionally set out to hurt me, it just happened that way. I love him too much (I know I shouldn't) to blame him or hate him. I'm so stuck right now. I don't want to lose him....I don't want to face every day not talking to him. I already feel like a big piece of my heart is gone. It will devastate me to not talk to him. But at the same time, if I do I'm headed for more heartache and I can't take anymore. Maybe I really can but I don't want to. I've been through enough.
I'm sick of me right now. I'm tired of feeling sad and crying. I'm tired of having no energy and doing nothing but laying in my bed and crying intermittently. I try to put up appearances for my son but its exhausting. I told him that I'm not feeling well. I hate being in my own skin right now. I feel like a completely different person. I don't feel like me at all. I think it will be a long time before I feel better.
I don't know what to do. I wish I could sleep for as long as it takes to feel better.
Truth be told, I don't blame him. How can I? He's a human being and he wants what he wants. He didn't intentionally set out to hurt me, it just happened that way. I love him too much (I know I shouldn't) to blame him or hate him. I'm so stuck right now. I don't want to lose him....I don't want to face every day not talking to him. I already feel like a big piece of my heart is gone. It will devastate me to not talk to him. But at the same time, if I do I'm headed for more heartache and I can't take anymore. Maybe I really can but I don't want to. I've been through enough.
I'm sick of me right now. I'm tired of feeling sad and crying. I'm tired of having no energy and doing nothing but laying in my bed and crying intermittently. I try to put up appearances for my son but its exhausting. I told him that I'm not feeling well. I hate being in my own skin right now. I feel like a completely different person. I don't feel like me at all. I think it will be a long time before I feel better.
I don't know what to do. I wish I could sleep for as long as it takes to feel better.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
What does it mean?
I had a nap earlier and I had a dream about an ex. This was a guy that I worked with and I had a brief relationship with but a longer friendship with when I was in CA. He was separated at the time but eventually he went back to his wife and left me devastated. I tried to stay friends with him (I guess that's my MO) and we worked together, it was so hard. His wife knew that he was seeing me when they were separated and was not happy about it. She even tracked my home phone number down and made numerous calls to my house. Anyway on New Years Eve I was trashed and got home to find an email from her. I don't remember what it said now, but I remember that it was so hurtful that I decided right then and there to move back to NY. A month later, I was gone. Devastated to be away from him, he had become very close to me, and I left him devastated too. He snuck calls to me, cried to me that he loved me....it was hard. Then one day he wrote me another email telling me that he could no longer be my friend. His wife would not allow it. It hurt so bad and was frustrating because I didn't have a choice but to accept it.
Anyway back to the dream. It was quick but somehow he ended up living in my area and we met up one day. We were sitting and talking and my friend who was with us asked where he was wife was. He got emotional and told me that decided to take classes somewhere else and left him. I remember in my dream feeling awkward that happened, and wondered if he thought that I would try to be with him again. Then I woke up.
I wonder why I dreamed that? Maybe because he cut me off completely and that's what I'm doing? Or maybe because that's the last time I felt completely helpless and brokenhearted. The other two relationships I was in after him and before McS, they didn't end because of another woman. So maybe I'm associating the pain of the end of that relationship with this one. I don't know, it was really weird. I feel weird today. I know my life isn't over it just feels dead right now. I cry and cry. I feel like even though the beginning of all this mess was over 6 months ago, the wounds have been reopened and are fresh. I wish I would have walked away a long time ago. Now I'm left to think that he's going to live happily ever after. Not that I want misery for him but it hurts to think that nothing will change for him because he has love. I don't.
Anyway back to the dream. It was quick but somehow he ended up living in my area and we met up one day. We were sitting and talking and my friend who was with us asked where he was wife was. He got emotional and told me that decided to take classes somewhere else and left him. I remember in my dream feeling awkward that happened, and wondered if he thought that I would try to be with him again. Then I woke up.
I wonder why I dreamed that? Maybe because he cut me off completely and that's what I'm doing? Or maybe because that's the last time I felt completely helpless and brokenhearted. The other two relationships I was in after him and before McS, they didn't end because of another woman. So maybe I'm associating the pain of the end of that relationship with this one. I don't know, it was really weird. I feel weird today. I know my life isn't over it just feels dead right now. I cry and cry. I feel like even though the beginning of all this mess was over 6 months ago, the wounds have been reopened and are fresh. I wish I would have walked away a long time ago. Now I'm left to think that he's going to live happily ever after. Not that I want misery for him but it hurts to think that nothing will change for him because he has love. I don't.
Pain
I called in sick today. I couldn't deal with sitting there pretending that everything is ok. Everything is not ok. It hurts to be awake. I went to bed early last night and woke up a few times in the middle of the night. For a split second when I was groggy, everything seemed normal. Then when my brain registered I realized everything was not normal and my life as I knew it would not be the same, and I would get very sad.
I don't want to be awake right now. My head hurts, my eyes are puffy and my nose stuffy and hurts too. I must look like a real prize. I know everyone goes through heartaches and some more devastating than the next. But I feel completely crushed. I am afraid of how long it will take me to feel better. I am afraid that the sadness and the pit in my stomach will not go away for a long time. I can't feel like this every day. I know they say it will get easier in time, but really I have been battling this since last August. When does it get easier? Maybe now that I have no contact it will. I pray that I am strong enough never to contact him again. Because I've been through this before and I felt so bad inside that the only relief was to get in touch with him, just so I don't feel the lonlieness and emptyness inside. I can't do that this time. I can't be around when he makes a life with the woman of his dreams. Maybe that makes me a bad friend because I said I would be there for him forever. But how can I when I feel completely crushed and devastated?
My friend said he would eventually call me because he doesn't want to let my friendship go, plus he wants to keep me around just in case. I don't think that he will call me this time, he knows how bad I feel. I don't want him to call me this time. He doesn't want me. Plain and simple. So he doesn't have to know me anymore. My friend thinks I'm not "done" because she's heard it all before and if I was truly done then I wouldn't care or be mad at him. It's not about that, and I can't turn off my feelings with a switch. Yes I care about him, yes I love him so much no matter how he's hurt me. I wish I had a switch but I don't. She thinks I will get in touch with him, but I won't. I would rather go through this suffering now then down the line having him rip out my heart again. As weird as it is, I miss him already, even though there is nothing really to miss. I don't know if I will ever feel as comfortable with another man as I felt with him. That thought scared the heck out of me and makes me sad.
I'm glad that I have this blog to at least type stuff because it's all building up in my head. I just hope eventually I can start typing about other stuff. Now I want to go to sleep.
I don't want to be awake right now. My head hurts, my eyes are puffy and my nose stuffy and hurts too. I must look like a real prize. I know everyone goes through heartaches and some more devastating than the next. But I feel completely crushed. I am afraid of how long it will take me to feel better. I am afraid that the sadness and the pit in my stomach will not go away for a long time. I can't feel like this every day. I know they say it will get easier in time, but really I have been battling this since last August. When does it get easier? Maybe now that I have no contact it will. I pray that I am strong enough never to contact him again. Because I've been through this before and I felt so bad inside that the only relief was to get in touch with him, just so I don't feel the lonlieness and emptyness inside. I can't do that this time. I can't be around when he makes a life with the woman of his dreams. Maybe that makes me a bad friend because I said I would be there for him forever. But how can I when I feel completely crushed and devastated?
My friend said he would eventually call me because he doesn't want to let my friendship go, plus he wants to keep me around just in case. I don't think that he will call me this time, he knows how bad I feel. I don't want him to call me this time. He doesn't want me. Plain and simple. So he doesn't have to know me anymore. My friend thinks I'm not "done" because she's heard it all before and if I was truly done then I wouldn't care or be mad at him. It's not about that, and I can't turn off my feelings with a switch. Yes I care about him, yes I love him so much no matter how he's hurt me. I wish I had a switch but I don't. She thinks I will get in touch with him, but I won't. I would rather go through this suffering now then down the line having him rip out my heart again. As weird as it is, I miss him already, even though there is nothing really to miss. I don't know if I will ever feel as comfortable with another man as I felt with him. That thought scared the heck out of me and makes me sad.
I'm glad that I have this blog to at least type stuff because it's all building up in my head. I just hope eventually I can start typing about other stuff. Now I want to go to sleep.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
The End
I guess I get what I ask for. McS let me know tonight that I mistook his intentions for something they weren't. All the things he said and did the past month, he meant out of friendship. Which is a great big lie that he wants to deny. I'm too upset right now to type it all out but I will when I feel better. I told him I don't want to know him anymore. I can't keep doing this to myself, it hurts so much. I changed my number, deleted my myspace, deleted his pictures. The sucky part is whenever I had a problem I would call him. As weird as it sounds, as much as he hurt me he was still a best friend. So now I lose that too. He is just another guy who didn't think I was good enough, he needed someone better, prettier and younger. I'm tired of feeling like I am not good enough. So I lose my best friend and someone who meant the world to me. I loved him so much that I stuck it out with him, loyal til the end.
I know I will have to go through feeling bad for a while and I'm not looking forward to that. I don't know what to do except what I do best...hide away and sleep. I'm really sad.
I know I will have to go through feeling bad for a while and I'm not looking forward to that. I don't know what to do except what I do best...hide away and sleep. I'm really sad.
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