Making A List (Checking it Twice!)

Some good and bad things have happened this week that I have been dealing with. The good....I am currently writing up a proposal to my boss to request (and justify) being put in a Traineeship (higher level, more money!!!) when he retires. It's been exciting because I think I have a really good chance at getting it. My proposal is kick ass and if I end up getting it I will finally be free of the secretarial role and in headed on actual career path. In doing that, I also realized that if this happens for me, I will be making my life here. I do have a life here now but I always figured that after my son graduates, if I chose to I could really go wherever I want. If I head down this road, I will be here at least another few years, maybe longer if I advance to the next level after the Traineeship, which will keep me here an additional few years at least. I have mixed feelings only because I never pictured staying here forever. But I really don't know where I would go at this point. So that part is exciting but also scary....I wonder if I would be happy here FOREVER.

The bad....boys. What's new, right? I think this time is different in the way that I truly am tired of the situation that I've been in for almost 3 years. Waiting for a guy that thinks only about himself and cares about me when it's convenient for him. I've made excuses for him, overlooked things, bit my tongue and I'm tired. I'm tired of being unhappy and untrusting. I feel like something has changed in me because for the first time I feel I have nothing to say to him. I'm not looking for attention, or looking to piss him off, or looking to hurt him the way he's hurt me. I just want to be left alone. I don't want to think about him or wonder what he's doing and I want to live my life in peace. Even if it's alone. The weird part is I think it helped that he's tried a few times to get in touch with me and I have not opened the lines of communication. At least I know that he tried, even if it's too late.

Tomorrow I want to start using Sparkpeople again to track my food and exercise to keep me on track. I can't keep using excuses (like good and bad things happening) as my reason for "falling off the wagon". I will never get to goal like this, and I desperately need to get moving in the right direction. I caught a peek of myself in my full length mirror tonight and am horrified that the fattyness in my legs is creeping down to the knee area...GROSS. I'm done with that too.

Reality Check!

When am I finally going to realize that some selfish people who think they are all that, are not worth my fucking time?

Pissed off.

Good eating during the day, bad dinner at dad's. (Bad but yummy). Life goes on, at least for now.

People can really suck sometimes

Onward and Upward

Overall I think I did ok this weekend with the eating. I kind of fell of the wagon a little bit last night but I got right back on. Over all I'm making better choices. I did zumba both days this weekend and both were incredibly vigorous workouts. I love them but it's tiring.

I also got myself new Puma workout shoes for the classes.




I think it's going to take me a few classes to get used to. I'm not used to wearing a shoe so flat when I work out. By the end of today's class my feet were a little sore. I hope it's just me getting used to them and not the shoe itself! I love the style though and that color blue is my favorite.

Here's to another week of eating right and working out!

Success!

I got on the scale this morning. 2 lbs lower than when I got on the other day! Woo Hooo! I hope it's real. It motivated me to go out in the heat this morning and do my zumba class. I haven't been to my favorite instructor in over a month. She kicked my butt. I loved it. I'm going tomorrow to my other favorite instructor (I can have two!) and look forward to a good whooping again.

Today I'm going out shopping because I can't think of anything better to do. I know, it's terrible. But my son doesn't like amusement parks, the closest water park is an hour away and frankly I'm not up for buying a bathing suit that I will rarely ever wear, plus covering my fat up. It's so hot out and I'm not naturally an outdoors person so shopping it is. First we'll stop at Ruby Tuesdays for lunch because they have a SALAD BAR. Heck I'm on a roll I might as well continue to be good.

Happy day!

A Good Kind of Pain

I'm wicked sore from my arm workout yesterday. But it's that good kind of pain...the one that makes me feel accomplished. I didn't work out today, my plan is to go tomorrow. I'm trying to decide whether or not to do legs tomorrow, or wait and do a chisel class before zumba. I know zumba is going to kill me though, so do I really want to be tired by the time my favorite fun class comes around?

Eating was ok until dinner. I didn't feel like going to the store again, so I made a hot dog and some onion rings. Sigh. I need to stop ruining a good day with a bad meal.

Other than that, nothing much going on here. New guy keeps texting me. But I know he wants a booty call and I think he has a girlfriend so I'm not going there. He is so hot though. Maybe one day we will meet up. But I'm not ready for that right now. He's working hard though...usuallly he comes and goes but he's putting in full effort to stay in touch. Does he really want it that bad?

Going good!

Quick blog before work. I consider yesterday to be successful. I went to the gym after work even though I did not feel like it. I asked myself, what would I be doing during that hour if I wasn't at the gym? I would probably be sitting and watching TV or on the computer. So I went and I'm proud of me. Eating was good although I was going to have my hamburger plain last night without a roll but I didn't. I would like to avoid carbs at night and stick to meat and vegetables. We'll see if that happens.

I stepped on the scale today for the first time in a while. NOT GOOD. But motivating enough to keep going.

Back on Track

Since I last posted I had decided to make an effort to get out a little more to do different things. So far so good! Not so much on the "new" things, but I'm working on that. But I went out a couple of times with a couple of good friends that I hadn't seen in a while. I'm making more of an effort to not let life get in the way of spending time with people I enjoy. And you know what? It reminded me that everyone has issues in life. Actually my life seems pretty peaceful and serene compared to some of my friends lives. So I should be blessed and not sit around feeling sorry for myself. I feel good!

This is also Day 4 of getting some kind of work out in. I took too long of a break but I started out slow and did some WATP DVD's that I have here. One of them I bought months ago and never even opened - shame on me! Today I went back to the gym and did Zumba. The whole routine was fast paced, the instructor killed me (I love Judi!) and I loved it. I think I will finally get a good night sleep too because that workout wore me out and I'm exhausted. Yay!!

What the Shell?

I was sitting here tonight and something occurred to me. I live an empty shell of a life. I don't do anything exciting or interesting during any given week. I do the same thing over and over, day after day. I get up, go to work, work out (if I am motivated enough), come home to be a mother and putter around the house, play games on the computer and go to bed. When school is in session, I do homework. That's pretty much it. I've kind of lost touch with a couple of friends that I used to communicate with and hang out with a lot, so I really don't get a lot of phone calls either. I sit back and wonder how did it get like this? How did I let it get like this?

I want to do interesting and fun things. I just don't know what yet. I want to get out of my comfort zone and try new things. I want to keep myself busy in order to keep my mind busy. Because when my mind isn't busy, it tends to stress me out thinking about things I shouldn't be thinking about.

I don't know what I last blogged about concerning Scott, but we aren't talking....again. I pissed him off, he pissed me off and then I said mean things. And maybe only 5 of me is sorry. The rest of me isn't. I'm tired of being treated like I'm a piece of shit. I'm here whenever it's convenient for him and I know I'm not perfect, but I deserve more than that in life. As a result of that last argument, we haven't spoken in a couple days. But even before that we hadn't really talked in 4 days. I sit here and wonder why I am not worth the fight to him. And folks, that is why I need to keep my mind busy. I need to worry about myself, not him or what he's feeling. It should be all about me since the first 3 years were all about him and that didn't work out too well.

It sucks when you know something is best for you, but you still feel sad. Blah.

Diet/Exercise? Non-exisistant. Blah again.

Feeling HOT HOT HOT!

Today is the last day of my four day weekend. Blah. I could seriously get used to not working. But actually it will be nice to be in the A/C tomorrow! It has been wicked hot here since the end of last week. I can't say that I like sitting here dripping with sweat without exerting even a little energy, but at the same time I won't complain because I live in the Northeast and we get a lot of snow. I hate snow. So I'll take this wretched heat any day. God bless those that have to work outside in it!

This weekend was ok. I went to the Baseball hall of fame with my son. I think he enjoyed himself although I think he likes the current players more than reading about the history. He's a big Yankee fan....of course! (Who isn't? HAHA)



The 4th was ok too. I went to a BBQ at my dad's house. There was a 10 month old baby there. I watched her from time to time while they got food ready. I forgot how much work it is! But I love babies. Sometimes I wish my son was still a baby....but I like this age too. LOL

My diet has sucked. Wait, let me rephrase that. There's been NO diet. I'm on the eat what I want plan, and it's not working too well for me. I have to change.

Shut the Front Door

I was sitting here earlier thinking earlier what is the point of me even doing this blog when I don't share what's really going on with my life? If I'm doing this for the public...which nobody reads this now anyway....then I feel like I'm ripping them off. If I do this for myself for future reference or memoirs, then I'm ripping myself off. Do I write everything here, or do I continue to share cryptic thoughts?

I don't really know the answer to that question now. I feel like I want to write everything, but sometimes I don't want to hash it out and relive it. To me writing a blog about flowers and rainbows when I'm feeling low is fake bullshit.

That being said, I'm having a shitty day which will probably lead in to more shitty days. The most major dilemma in my life has to do with a boy, of course. A boy (man) that I've loved for almost 3 years. A boy that has done nothing to deserve me but who I keep giving chances to but my chances have run out. I need to be strong and stay away. I need to mourn and move on because I can't keep giving myself to someone that has nothing to give back. Why do I love someone that doesn't have love to give? I don't know. But I feel like crap and the ending. I feel like crap thinking that I may get so weak and allow myself fall back into the same toxic vicious circle of emotions and disappointment.

There, I did it.

On another note, I'm watching "Bethenny Getting Married?" and I have to say she's hilarious. The line of the entire show so far has to do with her assistant picking out her outfit for her getaway weekend, including the bra and underwear. He finds the pair of underwear in her drawer that she requested it, and pulled it out with two fingers, as though were contaminated with disease and germs. She says "You can pick them up, my vagina's not still in them. They're clean." She said it with a straight face too. She rocks.

Fitness and Diet? Not so much today.

Meh.

So far today was a successful eating day. I didn't do anything bad which is a nice change. I don't know about exercise though. I'm feeling blah today and when I feel like this, I know I should work out but I get so tired and unmotivated.

True to Myself

I went to zumba for the first time in almost 2 months. I forgot how fun it was! Thankfully it was only a 45 minute class tonight and for some reason the order of the songs made it so that there was a slow song at the end before the oool down. Normally I wouldn't have been glad for that. I want to be out of breath and almost physically unable to move by the time the cool down begins. I say I'm thankful because I don't know if I could have handled that tonight. Anyway I felt great afterwards but apparently not great enough since I sabotaged myself later.

Dinner was salisbury steak, mashed potatoes and corn. Generous helpings too, I might add. And I may as well come clean and say that I finished up the rest of the chocolate cream pie so that I could be done with it. I called my son earlier in the day and I told him to take what he wanted to to throw the rest out. He forgot to throw the rest out and as I'm cooling down in zumba I started thinking about the pie. Am I really that pathetic? I should have thrown it out but I didn't. What's done is done and I can't change it so I'll chalk this up to an unsuccessful day and move on. Tomorrow will be better. My plan is to wake up early and do a Walk Away the Pounds DVD and then some form of exercise in the evening. Tomorrow I would like to write up a schedule for myself for what workouts I'm going to do each day. I'm also going to begin entering my foods on sparkpeople.com again. I love that site.

Loose Change

I need a new name for my blog. It gets absolutely no traffic, although I did have a very awesome viewer but I think her blog is gone. Anyway my goal is to come up with something catchy but relevant for people that search. It should be something about weight loss since that is what I would like to work on most. So over the next few days I will be thinking about it.

That's all I have.
*******************************

Ok I gave it a little bit of thought and I added a new title to my blog and changed the layout. My new blog will contain the same type of random stuff that I've been blogging about since I started. But since I am (again) putting my best foot forward in trying to lose weight and be healthy, I will add stuff about my progress towards a healthier lifestyle. I'm kind of excited!

Teaching An Old Dog New Tricks

I have a bad habit of needing to know things. Even if those things are ones that will hurt me, I will still aim to find out the truth. Sometimes I feel like I'm obsessed with finding out the truth because I hate being lied to. But what when it comes down to it, the truth that I try so hard to seek does nothing but hurt me and make me feel bad. I guess what I fear most though is that I will go on living my life and thinking that everything is ok, and the rug will be ripped out from under me like it has so many other times in my life. I don't like surprises, especially bad ones so I feel the need to always know what is going on around me even if I don't like it.

So is it really worth it? Is ignorance really bliss? I'm starting to think that maybe it is. I think it's time that I try to stop figuring things out and let life happen. It's going to happen anyway whether I look for it or not. I'm sure it's not going to be easy abandoning some of my habits and I'm also sure that I'll stumble along the way, but I can at least TRY.

Other than this little revelation, today has been an unproductive day. I slept most of the day which made up for my lack of sleep all week. I kind of feel bad for sleeping the day away but I needed it. Let's hope the upcoming work week brings more sleep than the last one. Cheers!

Cocka Doodle Doo

TGIF!! My day started out kind of fun today. The guy across the street has an assortment of animals from dogs and cats to ducks and roosters. I feel I should mention that I don't live in the country, on a farm or anywhere near farms. I live in a residential neighborhood on a mildly busy street which leads to a major interstate. Why he decided to have ducks and roosters, I don't know. I do know that he doesn't have any kind of fence around his hard and all of the animals....except for the dog.......are free to roam the neighborhood. I've seen the duck family on more than one occassion in the middle of the road with cars waiting patiently for them to cross.

I get a kick out of the rooster though when I hear him. Thankfully I sleep with the fan on so he doesn't wake me up. But he's not partial to just mornings, he will do his thing whenever he feels like it. I've never seen him go any further than his side of the road, until today. I went to the convenient store which is located two doors down from me and directly across the street from the farm animals. I pull in.....and who is parked in one of the parking spots taking in the scenery? The rooster. Just standing there, chilling. Trying to go unnoticed which wasn't happening. I went in to the store and got my coffee and when I came out, I just had to take a picture of the little guy.

At that point he moved up to the sidewalk and he had found something to ruffle his feathers at, literally. I wasn't sure what is was, but I didn't want to find out so I walked around the other cars away from him to get to my own car. It does bug me though that the guy can't bother to put up a fence in the yard to keep the animals safe. Then again, this is the same guy who used to leave his dog tied up outside all day every day, including the dead of winter. I think he got in trouble for that. But farm animals must be ok here. (?)

I've Fallen...But I Will Get Up!

People never cease to amaze me. It's funny how when we meet someone for the first time you have a totally different opinion on who they are as people. As time goes on though, depending on the type of relationship you have with them, you start to see other parts of the person that perhaps you didn't know existed. I almost wish there wasn't such thing as a "first impression" because typically they are wrong. In the first impression, you don't get to see the bad parts. You don't get to glimpse in their past to see how they've lived their life. You only get to see what they want you to see, and many times that can be extremely deceiving.

I've learned over the past several few years that even good people can turn your world upside down. I've learned that genuine and giving people can also rip the rug right out from under you if it means getting what they want. Unfortunately, experiencing these things first hand has made me a harder person. It's made me want to put up walls that I would never have put up before. I don't understand how people can be so self serving without a thought or care about others whom their actions may effect. I'm a people pleaser. I like to please myself, sure....but I also like to please others and make sure that my actions don't hurt them whenever possible.

Maybe I should start to be a little more self serving and get the things I want and need and not really care as much about what other people may think or feel about it. I'm saying EVERYONE, I'm really just speaking about people that have proven to be out for themselves.

This all stems from a few weeks ago when, the night before my trip down south to see Scott and then my mother, Scott calls to tell me that he's got too much going on and I can't come. Seriously. He rocked my world that night. He proved to me that at any given moment in life, if it serves him or allows him to get what he wants, he will hurt me. That is a scary fact. Of course the next day he changed his mind but it was too late. I did not let him thwart my plans and I booked a bus trip straight to my mothers (that's another hellish story later).

Against my better judgement, I did stop by on the way back for a day. I wanted to get my closure, and I ended up remembering how nice it was to hang out with him. If I was smart, I would have skipped it all together but I did not want any regrets. I think I would have always wondered "what if"? Since I've seen him, I've been extremely forgiving and trying to put what he did out of my head. But on days like today, I can't do that. I still harbor a little bit of anger and disappointment over it. I'm not sure that will ever go away - basically because I know he could do that again.

I wonder if he realizes how lucky he is to have me in his life? It doesn't feel that way and the only time he ever shows any type of appreciation for me is when he's threatened by any other attention I'm getting here. It stinks. I wish I could just break free for good. Maybe soon.

U.S.A.

How can anyone NOT be proud and excited about the US victory in today's world cup game??? Awesome, amazing, exciting. I can't wait to see how this progresses.

Other than that, today was a quiet, uneventful day. I got in to a flirty text session with someone from the past. Someone I've never been involved with, as the timing was never right. The timing isn't right either because I think he has a girlfriend. I know, I'm bad for even flirting with him. But I made it quite clear that I would not pursue anything with him as long as he was attached. I know what it's like to be cheated on and I will not take part of that. In fact, the next time he texts me I should just not answer. What is the point?

Sleepy Blog

I don't know why it is that I decide after weeks (months?) of not writing, that I need to write a blog at 1AM when I should be sleeping. I was crabby today due to lack of sleep, you would think I would learn a lesson.

I've been mostly out of touch lately, at least as far as the computer. I've been busying myself doing other things. One of which was going to GA to see my mom. Yay! I hadn't seen her in three years and that was way too long. The trip there was unforgettable....in a crappy kind of way but I'll save that for another day.

I have a break this summer from school which is GREAT. I wish I was done already, I hate every second of it. I hope something good comes from me getting a degree. With the rate that this economy is going, probably not. I've been thinking lately that New York sucks. Its bad every where but its ridiculous here. I keep thinking that when my son graduates I would like to move. But I know he will want to stay and I don't know if I could bare to leave him.

Thats it for now. No false promises to myself of consistent blogging. I will do what I can. I like to write, I don't know why I don't do it more often.

Out.

Trying this from my ipod

Because apparently I am bored! I will probably end up deleting this.

Anyway.... nothing memorable happened today. It was actually extrelu hot today. The kind of hot where just sitting and being sedentary can make one sweat.

I'm watching Celebrity Apprentice right now and hoping that Bret Michaels doesn't go home tonight!! Speaking of... So glad that he's doing better and keeping him in my thoughs for a full and speedy recovery.

Weekend, I love you!!

So far I've had a great weekend. One of the best weekends in a long time since I've been so preoccupied with school. Last night I went out with my good friend Amanda and we got pedicures. It's been a while since I've had one and was in desperate need. The funny thing is while I was there, I saw my gyencologist....who I just saw earlier in the week. Which makes me think about how I'm seeing her now, fully clothed when just a few days earlier she was in my va-jay-jay. Odd.

Then I saw the zumba whore that I mentioned in my previous post. She looks different when she's in normal clothes and not weasling her way in to my space.

Anyway I love my pedicure! I picked a hot pink with a design on the big toe. It's not the best design I've had, but it will do until next time!



Today I had lunch with "E". I haven't seen her in a long time. Too long! I had a good time with her even though she didn't seem as happy as I once remembered her. She went through a bad breakup with her ex several months ago and I know she's had a tough time since. I hope to see her more, we are both so busy but we have to make it happen. I came home after and did stuff around the house and then took too long of a nap. So it's grocery shopping in the morning and then zumba. If I do make the zumba class, that will be my 5th workout this week. I would be very proud of myself!! Now if I could just see it on the scale...

A big black ant crawled on my earlier in my bedroom, and I screamed at the top of my lungs. Even though I haven't seen one in a couple hours, Now I feel like I have bugs crawling all over me and I feel creeped out that when I go to sleep there will be other ants crawling on me. Ugh.