Last night/this morning I had one of those out-of-control moments that I really hope everyone has at some points in their lives.....or that will make me a real nutcase. Before during and after my last post I blew up McS's phone. I tried calling him and texting him and I got no response. At first it just started out wanting to have him make me feel better but then when I knew he was deliberately avoiding my calls, then it turned into rage. Rage because I am always there for him when he needs me, day or night...and rage because he's a cold-hearted sob, rage for so many other reasons. So I kept calling him and leaving texts. This morning also. That was my out-of-control behavior. I knew what I was doing was crazy and wrong but I didn't care. When he finally did pick up this morning he said that he knew I was calling him last night but he was tired and he thought I would be mad if he picked up the phone and said that he was too tired to talk. Which is untrue, I wouldn't be mad. But instead he just decides to let his phone ring and ring and ignore my calls.
Whatever, I am so sick of talking about him now. I really see that there is absolutely nothing to salvage here. I don't need a one-sided friendship. I really want the strength to let go. I'm not very religious.....I mean I do believe in God, but I don't go to church like I should....but I have been praying for God to help me out a little bit. I'm hanging on by a thread. My life as I knew it is changing, I have nothing to look forward to right now and all I want to do is sleep. Putting on a happy face at work is exhausting. I don't want to feel that way anymore. I want the motivation to go out and do things. I want to see friends, I want to forget about him. It's easier said than done but I keep asking God to help me. I hope we can both help me.
Anyway enough about that jerk! Tonight I am going to the movies with my son. We are seeing Friday the 13th....on Friday the 13th! LOL I'm kind of excited although I wonder if the remake will be as good as the original. I did enjoy the remake of Halloween though so I am hoping for good things out of this. Then I will come home and try to get some homework done, I've done nothing all week. Cleaning also needs to be done and my son is having a friend over tomorrow but that will probably wait until tomorrow. I am looking forward to having the 3-day weekend although the time I think the most is when on the weekends when I'm not as busy. I really need to change that. I need to force myself to do things. I am stronger than I feel.....I've overcome a lot....I can do this!
2 comments:
Wow. I just caught up on what I've missed. Honey, I am so sorry. I know exactly what pain you are feeling. All I can say that I've learned from going through my divorce is to let yourself feel every emotion. Feel the pain. Cry. Eventually, it will lessen. One day, you'll be shocked to discover that you didn't even cry that day.
I know I'm not really one to talk with what I'm going through with beautiful boy, but I know that in my divorce situation, I thought I was going to die of heartache. And then I didn't. And now, I don't feel like anything can ever hurt me that much again. And that feeling sustains me and makes me feel like going through all that pain was important.
I'm here for you if you want to talk. I'm so sorry you are hurting. marta.elena@gmail.com
Thank you...it means more than you know. I emailed you a more personal thank you!
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