Yeah yeah I know it's been a while since I blogged. I actually had a draft from 8/27 but it was boring so I deleted it. Nobody reads these anyway so who cares? Today I am posting a story that I emailed to a friend of mine about my trip to the movies this weekend.
So it was Friday night and per usual, I had nothing to do.Well....nothing I wanted to do anyway. I really don't mind doing nothing (yes, I've gotten that lazy) but from time to time, I don't like it. I get antsy....I feel like everyone else in the world is outpartying, or spending time with loved ones, or involved in some sort of activity that keeps their ass off the couch. Everyone but me. So those are the times that I force myself to do something. I'm not one of "those" types of people that looks through the paper to see what's going on in the neighborhood or just picks an activity just to keep myself busy. I'm not that motivated. If I'm going to get off my lazy ass, I'm going to do something I enjoy.
If you've seen me lately, you've seen that I like to eat. But I wasn't about to go out by myself and have people pointing and staring and saying to their friends "Awwww, look at the fat girl eating by herself! Poor thing is so fat and lonely that she has to come to a restaurant alone because nobody will be seen with her. Awwwww" Ummmm, no. I'm not having any of that. Let them pick another fatty to examine, I say!! So the next best choice I thought, for me, was to go to the movies. I've gone to the movies alone before. It took me some courage to do it the first time. (I actually recall sitting in the theatre and when the lights were still onbefore the previews, I would look around and then look at my watch as though I were waiting for someone. I figured by the time they realized I was alone they would be too in to the movie to care.
*Note to self:They don't care anyway. You are not the center of their universe*Whatever.)
So I decided to call up my son who was at his dads house for the weekend and asked if he would be interested in seeing the movie. The only problem was, he was with his friend. This friend.......ugh. I can't stand him. He talks too much, he's too loud, he tries to hard to impress people -- usually by making up stories about how cool he is -- but worst of all......he shits himself. How old is he, you ask? He's 15. Yes 15....and he shits himself. I don't know what his problem is.....if he's got an issue where he doesn't feel the need to shit until it actually happens, or if he's just too lazy to go into the bathroom and sit on the can for a few minutes. But nonetheless, he poopies in his pants. Not only that but according to my son and his dad, the kid tries to hide the fact that he shits himself by taking his underwear off and throwing it in the corner or under the bed, hoping nobody will find it. Apparently he thinks his shit doesn't stink. His dad has told me that onnumerous occassions, he found shit balls behind the bed and in corners. So apparently the kid must have felt the urge to go but figured that the 2 foot walk to the bathroom was too much and decided to relieve himself whereever he saw fit. Anyway, I'm digressing.
So the kid was there and I reluctantly told my son that he could invite him to go along but that I couldn't pay for the kid because I didn't have enough money. I asked my son, "he's not going to shit in my car, is he?" I couldn't help it but say it like that. He reassured me that he wouldn't. Because I swear if I smelled one foul odor in my car, I was going to make him eat it. Anyway, you'll be happy to know that McShitty had no incidences while he was in my presence. Lucky for him. But there's more to the story....
We get our movie tickets and I paid for my son and I. I told him I would get the snacks because I didn't figure it would be that expensive. So, knowing that I would be starting Weight Watchers again this week, I decided to allow myself a weekend of binging - including a medium popcorn with extra butter. I ordered them a large popcorn and they each got a soda. I was excited. I couldn't wait to shove the first buttery kernel in my mouth. I ignored the fact that the popcorn was pre-scooped and already in the bag, as opposed to being freshly scooped from the machine and bagged efficiently. I like it that way better because I would ask them to butter it in the middle. The more fat, the better right? Anyway, I'm digressing again. I ignored the fact that the popcorn was already in the bag and I still couldn't wait to get to my seat so I could star tshoving it in my mouth, several kernels at a time.
The cashier gives me the popcorn and the sodas which I distributed elicately to the boys and she rings me up. I horrified when I saw the amount pop up on the cash register. $29.95!!! Even typing it now makes me throw up a little bit in my mouth. Yes, that would be $29.95 for 2 popcorns and 3 sodas. I looked at her....I think I had the deer in headlights look, with my mouth gaping open. When I shook the shock violently from my system, I said "Are you serious?" I was ready to battle. I wanted to take her head and shove it deep within the popcorn bucket, suffocating her in the buttery kernels, lodging them up her nose and in her ears. I wanted to take the sodas and start flinging them at unsuspecting movie goers and revel in their own stunned reaction. If Ihave to be shocked, so do they. I wanted to run through the mall, screaming a high pitched and blood curdling scream, informing everyone that I had just been ra*ped.
But when I saw the look of understanding in her eyes.....the one that said "I know we are charging an obscenely gross amount of money for your refreshments and I'm very sorry and embarassed to be associated with this crime" type of look. But then again, if that were the case she would have warned me against the purchase wouldn't she? Yeah, that's what I thought. I paid, fury and rage inside of me. I informed my son that he better eat his $30 worth of popcorn. He said he would....he knew he would be punished by his broke mother if he didn't. Nonetheless I got over the horror of what occurred and I got in to the movie, sat down quickly and almost violently and I savored the moment I got to shove the very expensive popcorn in my trap and I realized immediatlely as soon as the first kernel touched my palette....the popcorn tasted like shit anyway! (But not like the shit from McShitty as referenced earlier). It was cold from sitting, even the heat lamp didn't give it the warmth it deserved and there wasn't nearly enough butter on it. I wanted those little kernels to swim freely in the butter....and they were denied. They were denied and so was I.
I will never buy refreshments at a movie again. Not ever.
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