Sunday, August 30, 2009

My story

So I promised a story from my birthday. It's nothing that probably hasn't happened a million times, but nonetheless it was weird and awkward! I went to my sisters house the day after my birthday. She invited another couple over and they were really nice. The woman was super sweet, and the guy was the same and they made easy conversation. Throughout the course of the night, the guy kept finding ways to touch me. Whether it be kissing my hand, or walking by me and touching my shoulders or playing with my hair and yes he did it in front of his girlfriend. I just chalked it up to him being a nice person who's affectionate. The girlfriend didn't seem to mind. I'm not one to speak up about something that hasn't quite crossed the line, I don't like confrontations or drama.

At one point I went inside to use the bathroom and when I came outside, the girlfriend was giving my sister a shoulder massage. So I sat down, grabbed my beer and happily continued drinking. Suddenly, the guy announces that the birthday girl needed some special attention. He gets up and starts massaging my shoulders and neck. I said no, that's ok but he insisted. It was awkward because I don't enjoy getting touched by people I don't know LOL. But I stuck it out and hoped he wouldn't be too long. A little while later almost the same scenario occurred except this time the girl was giving my sister's husband a massage. Again I didn't think it was too weird......until again her boyfriend came over to me to do it again. And this time it wasn't a quickie. He lingered. He lingered long enough for his girlfriend to sit back down and grab a drink. He lingered so long that his girlfriend said (finally!) "ok babe you really need to stop now." Ummm yeah, ya think? I know I should have spoken up but it didn't really feel creepy....just weird. After that things kind of changed a bit. While she was still nice to me, she got kind of quiet and wanted to leave. She gets up to go to the bathroom and he follows her. They were in there for a while. Finally he exits the bathroom (I wondered if they had sex in there) just as I was coming in to get a drink. The bathroom was right off the kitchen but that didn't stop the guy from coming over to me to give me a hug.....and pulling me in for a kiss, while he's grabbing my ass of course. Whoa. WTF? I pushed him back, about to go off and he just smiles and walks away.

Seriously. That really irritated me that a) he would disrespect me like that to think that I would actually enjoy being manhandled and made out with while his girlfriend is in the next room and b) that he would disrespect his girlfriend like that. I said nothing and they left right after that, thank goodness. I don't like to generalize, but what is wrong with men??? Why do they find it so hard to be loyal and faithful to the one they are with? The person could be sweet, attractive, successful (like his girlfriend is) and that's not good enough? What is it about the penis that overrides all logic and sensibility? GRRRRRR. I was irritated for a ocuple of days about it, I'm not sure why I let it affect me like that. I'm over it now but still, I'd like to take that guy and give him a good swift kick in the ass!

I really wanted to make this light and funny, but I'm pretty tired right now. Long day, long weekend and ready to begin another week!

Friday, August 28, 2009

Lazy

I have no excuse for not writing other than laziness. The last time I wrote was the day before my birthday. I had a decent day although I got a slight case of food poisoning from dinner. But I made it out alive. I had an awkward experience the day after my birthday which I'll blog about next time. Other than that, I haven't had much excitement since then....which is not necessarily a bad thing!

Thursday, August 6, 2009

A Year Ago

Before I start, I'll warn that most of this entry will be filled with negativity and explanations to why I had a crappy day. But don't worry, I'll throw in something positive at the end.

My day started out crappy when the alarm went off at 5:00 and I did not get up to work out for the second day in a row. I was tired, groggy and sneezy and I couldn't drag my lazy ass out of bed which ultimately led to guilt and digust with myself for once again starting something and failing a couple of days later. But I'm not one to beat myself up for too long. All I can do is keep *trying* (oh I hate that word!) and hope that I can become consistent with my efforts.

When I finally did wake up, my first thought was that tomorrow is my birthday. Lots of people would be excited about their birthday. I am not. I was supposed to be away for my birthday, seeing my mom and having a great time with a friend but that did not happen. And the feeling of not having "someone special" to share my birthday with plagued me all day. I was down and weepy at work and feeling sorry for myself. It was sickening actually, but I could not help myself.

Then I started thinking about a year ago today. One year ago today I was in a happy relationship....or so I thought. I had a guy who I thought loved me and that I would be with for a very long time. I think a year ago I was on the computer like I am now. Three hours from now will mark the one year anniversary of the worst day that I've had in a long time. That is when I found out that I was not actually in a happy relationship. The guy, Scott, was seeing someone else and in fact professing his love to her on myspace. I know...in the grand scheme of life this is really not that serious. I get that. But truly that night (and several nights after for months) I felt like someone kicked me in the stomach. This was a guy that I thought would NEVER do something like that to me. We had a lot of talks in great length about the kind of relationship we wanted. We talked about cheating and I told him how I just wanted one guy to feel that I am ENOUGH. I learned a year ago that I wasn't enough. And I learned it on my birthday.

Fast forward a year later. I'm much stronger than I was last year. I still have a big heart and when I love, I love hard. But I no longer see him as the perfect guy, and I should not have thought that anyway, as nobody is perfect. I no longer have that same adoration for him that I did prior to a year. I no longer make excuses for some of his behaviors and love him "regardless". I'm much stronger, a little more bitter and a lot more cautious. I still a weakness for him and since then we have still been talking and I have forgiven him, but have not forgotten. I would like to think that I have learned a lot from this experience with him, and something that I can take with me in to my next relationship....whenever that happens.

So now I'm sitting here a year later, not really looking forward to tomorrow but at the same time I'm very thankful to be alive and have made it through another year. Death does not discriminate against anyone or anything...not age, race, gender or religious beliefs. It can strike at any time and I would like to try to focus on that and the fact that I'm living and I'm healthy. Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Sleeping Beauty

Tonight will be a short blog. The effects of waking up early the past 2 days have caught up to me and I'm wicked tired. I even had a forty five minute nap after work. I feel great during the day and I hope I can stick this out. It's all about the discipline and willpower! I know it sounds weird but I'm trying to look at myself in the mirror more. I'm good at ignoring looking at anything from my neck down and I'm not going to do that anymore.

My eyes are literally closing as I type this so, I'll call this one now. That's a wrap!

Monday, August 3, 2009

Hungry Eyes

Today started out with success and ended up......not so much. I got up to work out this morning. It was hard to get moving and I had conversations with myself, telling myself that it wouldn't hurt if I didn't go this morning, or I could just stay at home and do a work out DVD, but I knew I wouldn't get as good of a work out. So after some strong internal debate I went to the gym. I felt great after and I need to always remember that feeling whenever I start falling out of the habit.

As far as food, I did well all day. Around 2:00 though I got a headache and I felt really hungry. I stuck to my meals and snacks though. Then I got home and things went down hill. I forgot to take chicken out of the freezer and I didn't have anything else to make so I made pasta with meatballs. I ate too much pasta and I had my share of meatballs. Then later this evening I had 4 lemon cookies. Why? I don't know if the carb overload tonight made me crave sugar but I needed some.

So I'm not calling this day a success even though 75% of it was. But I'm not beating myself up either. I feel good having worked out and ate well all day. Tomorrow will be better. I took chicken out and have salad ready to go. My meals and snacks are made for tomorrow so all I have to do is wake up and begin tomorrow like I did today.

In the mean time, I am dog tired and will go to bed early!

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Starting Fresh

After taking some pictures of myself yesterday, I realized that I'm not doing my body or health any justice by eating what I want and not working out. You would think that looking in the mirror would tell me that, except I don't look in the mirror except from the neck up. You would think that COMMON SENSE would tell me that, except I'm pretty good at ignoring common sense when I want to. But pictures...you can't hide from them, ignore them and they do not lie. It's time to snap out of this funk. It's time to stop feeding my moods and start feeding my health.

So I'm going to make (another) go of it and get up at 5AM tomorrow morning and work out. I would like to get up every day during the work week and work out because evenings I can find a dozen excuses, including it being too hot, to work out. If I can get it out of the way in the morning, that would be great. I also made my meals for tomorrow which aren't super perfect but I want to stay within a certain amount of calories. This week I'll be eating cereal for breakfast and then I'll have a sandwich cut in half, eating each half as a meal with either carrots or fruit and then a small salad with vinegar during the day. Dinners aren't planned but I'm going to behave. Not *try* to behave, I WILL behave. Enough is enough!

Reap What I Sow

I broke and called Scott. For 7 days I remained strong. I felt good at my peaks, and struggled through the valleys and during all of those times I did not call him. Friday I woke up at my lowest and I'm not sure why. Maybe it was because of the beginning of the weekend. Or maybe the two days off work gave me too much time to think. I called him to apologize for saying that I hated him. I don't like hating anyone, or using the word 'hate'. I did feel it though and I felt bad for saying it. Maybe I'm too nice. He told me he appreciated me saying that. And then he went on to blast me.

He told me I made way too much out of the myspace comment. He's not with his ex and it was just something he left for her. He said she knows the deal and knows they aren't together and that if the roles were reversed he would never flip over something like that. I suppose that's easy for him to say since I was always very respectful of him. I would never do anything like that.

Anyway after he blasted me, he had to get back to work. He ended up calling me later and I realized during that conversation that I'm on my way to getting over him anyway. Every time we have a blow up, it takes a lot out of me, including love I have for him. I still care about him but I don't have that same feeling I once had....and that is good! So I'm in a much better place today.

Today I treated myself to a haircut complete with coloring and highlighting.


You can't really see the highlights in this picture but they are there. Actually a lot was done to get it healthy looking again. I had too many light blonde highlights (a.k.a. bleach) in my hair from several months ago, so she colored me back to my original color and then did some random chunky higlights. She also cut almost 3 inches from my length. Yikes! I like it though, it will be much easier to manage.

Then I got my eyebrows and a pedicure done. I went for a hot pink for summer, with a design on the big toes. I love designs!

$195 later.....I'm feeling good! I did feel guilty about how expensive the hair was, but I desperately needed to get it healthy again. My mom and dad will give me birthday money next week so I'll put that back in the bank and consider this my present to myself.
All in all today was a good day!