What I Needed

*Note: I actually posted this on Thursday, 2/19 but for some reason has 2/16 as the date. Whatever!

I started this blog on Monday and then I saved it and I never came back to it. So I'm starting fresh. Since I last wrote, I have been doing much better. I think one of the things I needed the most was to say my peace to McS. He always gets to say what he wants to say and then he runs away from any confrontation he thinks he might get from me, which drives me crazy. Then I'll try to call him and he'll avoid my phone calls and that's what gets me so angry and my need to blow up his phone with texts, because that's the only way he will let me communicate with him.

Anyway I can't even remember which day it was now but we had it out and I was very frank with him. In my heart of hearts I know I shouldn't even talk to him. But I have to ween myself away from him. I can't go cold turkey, it just feels too hard. So when we had our conversation, I was able to tell him the things I needed, including telling him that I am happier when we are not talking. I know that's harsh and I don't mean that 100% but it was really my way of letting him know what frame of mind I was in. Ever since I told him that though his whole attitude has changed towards me. He's putting more of an effort in to talking with me, which I guess contradicts my whole goal of leaving this situation alone. But right now I'm just taking it day by day and liking the fact that I do not feel so low.

I've also decided I need to stop devoting entire posts about him. There are other things in my life that I can write about! I really need to start journaling more about weight loss. I'm kind of annoyed at myself a little bit. Before last week I had been working really hard in the gym, about 4 days a week and burning at least 450 calories per workout. Then this mess happens and I get down and depressed and I lose all motivation and I only worked out once last week. This past weekend, I sabotaged myself by eating terribly. I ate everything and anything I wanted. By Monday, after I finished off an entire bag of chocolate hearts and my stomach was hurting, I knew I had to get back on track. So I did. My problem is still the night time eating. I'll have dinner and be satisfied from it, and I'll even have my little dessert (SF pudding with cool whip) but then because I stay up late, I get hungry in the evening and I end up snacking on things I shouldn't be snacking on. I put things in my mouth, knowing at that very moment that I shouldn't be doing it....but I do it anyway. What gives? That's like me putting my hand over an open flame, knowing that I shouldn't do it because the results would be harmful, but doing it anyway. DUH. I really need to stop. I can't go to bed earlier, my body won't let me. Having healthy snacks like carrots will not help me either, because they will do nothing for me and so I'll end up eating carrots, and then something else. The only thing I can think of is to eat dinner later. As it is right now, I don't eat until around 7:30 at night because of my gym time, and I hear that it's really not good for you to eat after 8:00. But if I am working out and I happen to eat at 9:00, would that still be bad? Ugh, I don't know.

Today I accidentally caught a glimpse of myself in the full-length mirror here at work (I think I did this a couple of weeks ago, and blogged about it too LOL). I tried to shield my eyes, but they weren't big enough to cover the girth that was staring back at me. It's time to take action.

On to other things. American Idol first. I don't know the girls name, but she's the really dramatic one that cries a lot and is very theatrical when she speaks or moves. She got eliminated last night and I was actually embarassed watching it, even though I was alone. I understand how completely earth shattering it is to feel your dream slip away at the moment, but she was the only one of the bunch that did not clap or get in to that other guy's song when he was singing it. I must admit she does bring drama to the show and it's kind of funny to watch. I got kind of confused though. Ryan Seacrest said there are 12 opens spots, and each group gets 3 members selected to be in the Top 12. But if there are 3 groups of 12, that means only 9 are picked and there are three open spots. So why is he telling all the contestants that they are done? The remaining rejectees still have a shot. Or do they?

Lost. I love that show. I love it so much! This is only my 2nd season of watching and I am hooked. I'm hooked and confused and there's so many questions that need to be answered and I hope and pray they will answer them and not leave me hanging. I will be unhappy if that happens.

The Bachelor. I love Jason. He's not normally my type of guy, but I would totally marry him and spend my life with him. He's sexy and romantic and you can just tell he's a really good guy. I love that show, and I'm even more excited over the fact that the Bachelorette Deanna is coming back next week to make a plea to him to pick her over the other two girls, even after she dumped him on her show last year. It should be very interesting!

On to other ramblings. I got my new cell phone the other day. I got the Samsung Gravity, Lime and Grey. It's bigger than I thought it would be, but it's got the full QWERTY keyboard so I guess it can't be that small. I like it although the only flaw in it, which I'v read in the reviews, is that the battery life is not good. It loses battery quicker than normal phones. But so far so good! I am doing more texting now and it's funny because I tell all my friends that now I am going to text them for no good reason and just ramble because it's easier to do that now. LOL

Well that's it for now. I know this blog is long, random and probably boring! But I thought I should get some practice talking about other things and being positive. Yay me!

Happy Saturday

I say Happy Saturday because I refuse to acknowledge or celebrate the V word today. LOL And so I shall move on! Last night my son and I went to see Friday the 13th. I have to say it was GREAT. It wasn't a remake of the original. Same concept but different storyline. It was gory of course so I covered my eyes sometimes, but those movies don't 'scare' me. I'm glad I saw it in the theater because I liked hearing the 'oooohhh's and ahhhhh's' from the audience....oh and the clapping too. LOL I would actually see it again!

It was nice to get out and do something fun. Of course when I got back home the feelings of lonliness returned. I ended up going to bed early and waking up at 6:30 am. I never do that! I usually stay up pretty late and then sleep in until 9 or so. But I don't have anyone to stay awake for anymore. I'm not even trying to sound pathetic (LOL) it's just a fact. My feelings carried over in to today and I had another really bad morning. It's weird....I've been through breakups before. Some of them were really painful. But I have never felt like this in my whole life. I guess the best way I can explain it is, I feel like I need to get out of my own skin. I feel like I can't stand having the thoughts I have and I want to escape, but I can't.

But like someone very nice told me....I need to feel these emotions, all of them and sooner or later I will feel better. She rocks :o) So I will do that....I know this isn't forever but I sure can't wait to start feeling good again!

On to other things, my diet is horrible again and no workout since Tuesday. I really admire the people who can get themselves up and moving when they are feeling their worst. I am not one of those. Maybe next week I will force myself. I have a friend who I go to the gym with and I just told her I'm having some problems and not up to working out. She politely tried to encourage me but didn't push. I told her I would try next week.

I feel like such a martyr for writing all about McS and how terrible life is right now. I'm really not that negative! This has been such a great way for me to get feelings out. I've also written emails that I have not sent but as I'm writing down my angry feelings it really helps most of the time. (Sometimes it makes it worse though because I get even more mad. LOL But for the most part it's good). Anyway I hope one day I can give someone else advice. This sure is a rollercoaster but I know in the end I will be one hell of a strong girl :o) I will never let myself be this hurt again. That's it for now!

So yeah....

Last night/this morning I had one of those out-of-control moments that I really hope everyone has at some points in their lives.....or that will make me a real nutcase. Before during and after my last post I blew up McS's phone. I tried calling him and texting him and I got no response. At first it just started out wanting to have him make me feel better but then when I knew he was deliberately avoiding my calls, then it turned into rage. Rage because I am always there for him when he needs me, day or night...and rage because he's a cold-hearted sob, rage for so many other reasons. So I kept calling him and leaving texts. This morning also. That was my out-of-control behavior. I knew what I was doing was crazy and wrong but I didn't care. When he finally did pick up this morning he said that he knew I was calling him last night but he was tired and he thought I would be mad if he picked up the phone and said that he was too tired to talk. Which is untrue, I wouldn't be mad. But instead he just decides to let his phone ring and ring and ignore my calls.

Whatever, I am so sick of talking about him now. I really see that there is absolutely nothing to salvage here. I don't need a one-sided friendship. I really want the strength to let go. I'm not very religious.....I mean I do believe in God, but I don't go to church like I should....but I have been praying for God to help me out a little bit. I'm hanging on by a thread. My life as I knew it is changing, I have nothing to look forward to right now and all I want to do is sleep. Putting on a happy face at work is exhausting. I don't want to feel that way anymore. I want the motivation to go out and do things. I want to see friends, I want to forget about him. It's easier said than done but I keep asking God to help me. I hope we can both help me.

Anyway enough about that jerk! Tonight I am going to the movies with my son. We are seeing Friday the 13th....on Friday the 13th! LOL I'm kind of excited although I wonder if the remake will be as good as the original. I did enjoy the remake of Halloween though so I am hoping for good things out of this. Then I will come home and try to get some homework done, I've done nothing all week. Cleaning also needs to be done and my son is having a friend over tomorrow but that will probably wait until tomorrow. I am looking forward to having the 3-day weekend although the time I think the most is when on the weekends when I'm not as busy. I really need to change that. I need to force myself to do things. I am stronger than I feel.....I've overcome a lot....I can do this!

Rollercoaster

I hate him. Here I was crying almost the whole day over him, thinking to myself that I couldn't possibly blame him for anything and how he was sad to have hurt me, and that's not the case at all. He's full of it. I needed him to just care about me today, even as a friend. I needed it to be about me for once. But I didn't get that. I got someone ice cold who only cares about avoiding uncomfortable emotion. He wants my friendship only on the condition that I'm happy otherwise he avoids me.

I consider myself to be a good friend. If he ever needed me I would be there without hesitation. Even if it was uncomfortable for me or inconvenient at the time, I would be there. But he can't do that. There are so many other factors he puts before our friendship. Whether he's tired, or hungry, or on his way out, or busy, or relaxing or not in the mood. When the hell is it a good time to seek out his friendship? So basically he can break my heart but I shouldn't expect to be able to cry to him? Nice.

Well one good thing about all this is now I'm PISSED. And I would rather be pissed than crying. Why the hell am I so emotional over this guy? What is there to love and miss??????

Sick of Me

Today was worse than yesterday. It seems like the longest day of my life. I can't stop crying and it's hard to keep it together at work. A few times when I was alone at my desk I would cry and then hurry to stop myself and get myself together before anyone came in and saw me. For the first time ever, I feel there is no hope with the person I love. None. Last night he said (and yes I called him in the midst of a breakdown) that you never know what the future holds...but I can't wait for that. He wants to raise a family. He wants to be together with his ex and raise their child. I can't compete with that. I can't try to wait around and be his friend and be in love and then have him up and change his life and move in with this woman. That will devastate me again, even more so then now. All this time I thought if I stuck around I would always have a chance. I also thought that if I was out of his life, it would just push him closer to her and last night I realized it's not going to matter whether I am in or out of his life, he will be close to her no matter what. That is when it truly hit me that I am alone and I will never get to be with him again. It's the most desperate, gut-wrenching pain I've ever felt in my life. Everything feels hopeless and right now I don't care about anything except for my son. I don't want to talk to anyone, I just want to hide away from life for a while. I don't want to hear my friends tell me that I'm better off without him, or put him down because they already hate him for hurting me bad.

Truth be told, I don't blame him. How can I? He's a human being and he wants what he wants. He didn't intentionally set out to hurt me, it just happened that way. I love him too much (I know I shouldn't) to blame him or hate him. I'm so stuck right now. I don't want to lose him....I don't want to face every day not talking to him. I already feel like a big piece of my heart is gone. It will devastate me to not talk to him. But at the same time, if I do I'm headed for more heartache and I can't take anymore. Maybe I really can but I don't want to. I've been through enough.

I'm sick of me right now. I'm tired of feeling sad and crying. I'm tired of having no energy and doing nothing but laying in my bed and crying intermittently. I try to put up appearances for my son but its exhausting. I told him that I'm not feeling well. I hate being in my own skin right now. I feel like a completely different person. I don't feel like me at all. I think it will be a long time before I feel better.

I don't know what to do. I wish I could sleep for as long as it takes to feel better.

What does it mean?

I had a nap earlier and I had a dream about an ex. This was a guy that I worked with and I had a brief relationship with but a longer friendship with when I was in CA. He was separated at the time but eventually he went back to his wife and left me devastated. I tried to stay friends with him (I guess that's my MO) and we worked together, it was so hard. His wife knew that he was seeing me when they were separated and was not happy about it. She even tracked my home phone number down and made numerous calls to my house. Anyway on New Years Eve I was trashed and got home to find an email from her. I don't remember what it said now, but I remember that it was so hurtful that I decided right then and there to move back to NY. A month later, I was gone. Devastated to be away from him, he had become very close to me, and I left him devastated too. He snuck calls to me, cried to me that he loved me....it was hard. Then one day he wrote me another email telling me that he could no longer be my friend. His wife would not allow it. It hurt so bad and was frustrating because I didn't have a choice but to accept it.

Anyway back to the dream. It was quick but somehow he ended up living in my area and we met up one day. We were sitting and talking and my friend who was with us asked where he was wife was. He got emotional and told me that decided to take classes somewhere else and left him. I remember in my dream feeling awkward that happened, and wondered if he thought that I would try to be with him again. Then I woke up.

I wonder why I dreamed that? Maybe because he cut me off completely and that's what I'm doing? Or maybe because that's the last time I felt completely helpless and brokenhearted. The other two relationships I was in after him and before McS, they didn't end because of another woman. So maybe I'm associating the pain of the end of that relationship with this one. I don't know, it was really weird. I feel weird today. I know my life isn't over it just feels dead right now. I cry and cry. I feel like even though the beginning of all this mess was over 6 months ago, the wounds have been reopened and are fresh. I wish I would have walked away a long time ago. Now I'm left to think that he's going to live happily ever after. Not that I want misery for him but it hurts to think that nothing will change for him because he has love. I don't.

Pain

I called in sick today. I couldn't deal with sitting there pretending that everything is ok. Everything is not ok. It hurts to be awake. I went to bed early last night and woke up a few times in the middle of the night. For a split second when I was groggy, everything seemed normal. Then when my brain registered I realized everything was not normal and my life as I knew it would not be the same, and I would get very sad.

I don't want to be awake right now. My head hurts, my eyes are puffy and my nose stuffy and hurts too. I must look like a real prize. I know everyone goes through heartaches and some more devastating than the next. But I feel completely crushed. I am afraid of how long it will take me to feel better. I am afraid that the sadness and the pit in my stomach will not go away for a long time. I can't feel like this every day. I know they say it will get easier in time, but really I have been battling this since last August. When does it get easier? Maybe now that I have no contact it will. I pray that I am strong enough never to contact him again. Because I've been through this before and I felt so bad inside that the only relief was to get in touch with him, just so I don't feel the lonlieness and emptyness inside. I can't do that this time. I can't be around when he makes a life with the woman of his dreams. Maybe that makes me a bad friend because I said I would be there for him forever. But how can I when I feel completely crushed and devastated?

My friend said he would eventually call me because he doesn't want to let my friendship go, plus he wants to keep me around just in case. I don't think that he will call me this time, he knows how bad I feel. I don't want him to call me this time. He doesn't want me. Plain and simple. So he doesn't have to know me anymore. My friend thinks I'm not "done" because she's heard it all before and if I was truly done then I wouldn't care or be mad at him. It's not about that, and I can't turn off my feelings with a switch. Yes I care about him, yes I love him so much no matter how he's hurt me. I wish I had a switch but I don't. She thinks I will get in touch with him, but I won't. I would rather go through this suffering now then down the line having him rip out my heart again. As weird as it is, I miss him already, even though there is nothing really to miss. I don't know if I will ever feel as comfortable with another man as I felt with him. That thought scared the heck out of me and makes me sad.

I'm glad that I have this blog to at least type stuff because it's all building up in my head. I just hope eventually I can start typing about other stuff. Now I want to go to sleep.

The End

I guess I get what I ask for. McS let me know tonight that I mistook his intentions for something they weren't. All the things he said and did the past month, he meant out of friendship. Which is a great big lie that he wants to deny. I'm too upset right now to type it all out but I will when I feel better. I told him I don't want to know him anymore. I can't keep doing this to myself, it hurts so much. I changed my number, deleted my myspace, deleted his pictures. The sucky part is whenever I had a problem I would call him. As weird as it sounds, as much as he hurt me he was still a best friend. So now I lose that too. He is just another guy who didn't think I was good enough, he needed someone better, prettier and younger. I'm tired of feeling like I am not good enough. So I lose my best friend and someone who meant the world to me. I loved him so much that I stuck it out with him, loyal til the end.

I know I will have to go through feeling bad for a while and I'm not looking forward to that. I don't know what to do except what I do best...hide away and sleep. I'm really sad.

I'm Not That Girl...

I just threw a temper tantrum and now I'm really sleepy. But blogging will help me mellow out first. I was talking to my friend the other day about S (I will start to call him "McSouthern" now since that's what we call him) and she was trying to tell me that I need to start playing the game. I'm too available. I'm too needy. I'm too much like a puppy. I never make a guy crave me because I'm ALWAYS there. She's dealing with someone right now who's been a player all of his life. He was her high school sweetheart and he cheated on her and broke her heart. Years later they have reconnected, he visited her and since he's left she's been playing the game. She'll let some of his calls go to voicemail. Sometimes she calls back, sometimes she doesn't. He went a whole week without calling her and it practically drove her crazy but she did not pick up the phone to call him. When he finally did call, she played it off like she didn't realize he never called her. She made it sound like she was too busy to notice. Because of the game, he's all over her. He now craves talking to her, he wonders why she doesn't pick up the phone, she's got him wrapped around her finger.

When we were talking about McSouthern the other night, I revealed that I had fallen back into the trap and having all sorts of feelings for him again. This was a big thing to admit to her because she gets angry at me for allowing this to happen. She said that the only way that he and I could ever work out is if I start to play the game. He doesn't want someone needy, she says. Most men like the challenge. I'm around all the time and I need to stop. She said it will never work the way I am doing it now....I mean it hasn't so far, so I'm thinking maybe she has a good point. I decided that I was really going to try to do it. If I have to play the game to be with someone that I love and I know I'm meant to be with, then I will try. She told me she didn't think I could do it. She told me I don't have it in me to be that disciplined. I told her I would prove her wrong.

I did not call him yesterday and he did not call me. I called him tonight before 8 because I figured he would be watching the Presidential sleep and there was a very good chance that he would fall asleep early and I wouldn't hear from him. But no such luck. He didn't answer. I texted him that the President would be making a speech at 8 and of course I got no response. I waited a while again before I called him. Again, no answer. Finally I texted him "Are you alive?" He eventually called me back and told me that he was busy around the house, and that he wanted to call me "real quick" to tell me he was alive, and then he rushed me off the phone and said if he didn't fall asleep later, he would call me. I know him well enough to know that when he sets up the statement like that, using the big IF....that he won't be calling me back and he has no intention. And I was right. I got so angry that he rushes me off the phone, I tried to call him twice, no answer. Then I left him a text and voicemail. But then it hit me. He knows how to push my buttons....he plays the game so hard and I'm just tired of having to work so hard. I guess I'm needy too. I don't need a lot though.....maybe a conversation asking me how I am, how my day was, etc. Instead of 1 minute, 30 seconds telling me how busy you are. I like the little things, I don't ask for much but I think I'm realizing that we are not compatible anyway.

I want a guy that picks up the phone. I want a guy that sometimes puts me first. I want a guy that I don't have to try so hard with. I want a guy that doesn't make me feel like I'm so damn needy....I hate that. I'm not that girl that can play the game. I don't have it in me to play games. I'm not the girl that can brush off my irritation of being rushed off the phone. I'm not that girl who can pretend everything is ok when I don't hear from a guy for over a week. I wear my emotions on my sleeve, and that's probably what keeps us apart, and keeps me from finding real love. I don't want to do it anymore, and I don't want to get dragged back into the web whenever he feels like it, like he always does. I'm not that girl who's ok with that.

I'm the girl that needs to find a way to make things better for ME.
Time for sleep. Throwing temper tantrums can be really exhuasting.

A High and Low

Here I am blogging again. Is it against blog etiquette to blog more than once during the day? I just came here to get some thoughts out. First the good stuff. I did end up going to the gym....by myself....and I have to say it felt GREAT. I was proud of me for going on my own instead of wimping out. Not only did I go, but I went for an extra 5 minutes which may not seem to be a big deal, but normally I just barely make after 40 minutes on the elliptical. Today I had lots of energy. I'm glad I did it.

Now the not so good stuff. I can't shake this bit of sadness I feel. Last night I heard from an old friend on Facebook. (I'll call her Slobber....see below) She found me which was really coincidental because last week I tired to find her but I when I searched I didn't come up with any results. Anyway me, this friend and another girl were really close in high school for probably a period of two years, from 9-10 grade. We even nicknamed ourselves "Slobber" "Beener" and "Blobber" Thankfully, I was Beener. LOL Anyway after 10th grade we kind of drifted apart. Or maybe I drifted from them, I can't remember. We didn't get in a fight or anything I was just wrapped up in playing sports and they weren't. Then Slobber moved back to her old hometown which was just the next town over, but we didn't go to school together anymore so then we really lost touch. Blobber and I still went to the same school obviously but we really didn't talk other than saying hi in the hallway. Thinking about it now, it was weird. It was probably my fault, I did get wrapped up in myself, my home life and sports.

I saw Slobber in 2004 when I moved back here. I happened to move to her hometown and her daughter was a cheerleader for my son's pop warner football team. We only talked once because cheerleading parents don't sit near the football parents. It's weird, I know. Anyway we played catch up really quick and I thought I would see her more at the games but I didn't. There was no mention of Blobber at that time. Then we lost touch again.

Fast forward to last night. She requests me as a friend and sends me a message, saying that she was glad she found me, etc. She told me that her and Blobber had reconnected and became really close. Then she told me that last year "Blobber" died of liver cancer. I was floored. She was my age, she had a young child and people my age didn't die from stuff like that. You would think that anyway. That shock lasted me the whole night and I felt sad. I felt sad that I didn't keep in touch with her. I felt sad that this happened to her and her small boy was left without a mom. I felt sad that Slobber had to go through losing such a close friend. I just feel sad. I think it's being prolonged because we've since exchanged more emails and most of it is about Blobber. I also feel like I should be thankful of every second that I'm alive and sweating the small stuff is just stupid. Little arguments, little things that annoy me, they seem so unimportant but deep down I know that those things will still bother me.

I still feel sad.....I know I will snap out of it. I guess tonight I'm just blah.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall...

My mood has improved since yesterday although I'm not 100%. Plus I just ate two chocolate covered cherries which were SO not needed, But the more I avoided them, the more I wanted one and then I felt like I was depriving myself and if I deprived myself I would get frustrated at this whole "way of life thing". Isn't it great how we can justify the food we eat??? Anyway I will make up for the 150 calories and remove a couple of things from my menu today. Then I won't feel so guilty!

I'm looking forward to the weekend! I can't wait until 5:00 today, this day is dragging on! After work, I'll go and work out which I desperately need since I skipped the last two days. My son is home sick today and won't be going to his dad's until tomorrow, so I will hang out with him tonight, dote on him and love him up until he's sick of me. LOL Then I've got to do the homework that I've put off all week in my Visual Basic Class, but I'm really getting the hang of it so I don't think it would take me long to knock out a whole lesson in one sitting. Tomorrow I'm hoping to go up to a friends house which is about 20 minutes away....she just moved in to a new apartment with her bf and I want to check out the place. While I'm there, she lives right across from the mall so I want to take advantage of the $50 gift card I got for Christmas and get myself a new pair of workout sneakers. I'm excited. After that it will be home then cleaning because I would like to devote Sunday to relaxing.

My friend just backed out of working out tonight, which secretly was ok with me. I convinced myself that I could go another night (the third in a row) without working out and I would go tomorrow and Sunday. Then I went into the bathroom. Whenever I go into the bathroom at work, I do not look in the full length mirror. Actually, I try to avoid the smaller mirrors on the wall as well, because the flourescent lights show every single flaw (and maybe even a few that aren't there, I don't know) that I have. So usually I look everywhere but the mirror....I get in, get out and nobody gets hurt. Today I accidentally caught a glimpse of myself and I actually got scared for a moment. It looked like an imposter stole my body plopped my head on a short, fat, round body with bigger hips, tree trunks for legs and looking about 8 months impregnated. I don't like this! I'm going to the gym and me thinks that maybe I should look at myself in the mirror every day for that extra motivation.

Pizza!

Pizza is my weakness. Pizza is my downfall. Do not put a slice of pizza in front of me if you don't want me to eat it. Because I will eat it....every single bite. I heart pizza so much!

Last night I had dinner at my dad's and they are going on vacation so they sent me home with a bunch of slices of pizza (thin and square) that his wife got from a work luncheon they had yesterday. Knowing that I'm a diet, I should have said no, right? I didn't. In fact, I couldn't wait to get home so I could have a piece. I have many, many slices of pizza left....probably 6 or 7. If I was smart, I would throw them out. But I haven't, and I don't know if I will. Does that mean I'm not committed to losing weight? Why can't I do what I know is right where pizza is concerned? It's not like it's even all that good and it's not like I can't go out and grab a slice sometime if I want it. So what's my deal?

*Sigh* I don't know. I'm extra crabby today....which is kind of funny because yesterday's blog seemed like I was crabby then too but I wasn't. LOL So because I was extra crabby today I started questioning whether or not my eating habits (the whole subway thing) was really working for me. I hadn't seen any progress last week, but then again it was that time of the month. But when you're crabby, you don't take those little details into consideration. I emailed my friend today and told her if I don't see some kind of result this week....because I truly am busting my butt at the gym.....then I'm going to give up and eat what I want and just be fat. I know I won't do that, I was just throwing a mini temper tantrum but at the moment, that is how I felt. I will be interested to see how I feel about this when my mood gets better. I'll probably laugh at myself!

Sometimes a few extra steps are worth it...

I'm going to try to incorporate more about my weight loss efforts in this blog, along with my random thoughts and experiences. I did well yesterday......until AGAIN in the late evening around 1AM just before bed, I'm starving. So I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (better than 4 pcs of toast, but geez!) and a small glass of FF. I swear if these late night "snacks" are going to prohibit my weight loss I will have to drug myself to go to sleep at 9PM just so I don't eat. The only thing I'm counting on is that I'm trying to keep my diet at around 1500 calories. That is WAY less than what I need to lose weight, plus I'm working out. But still, I gotta find a way to stop this nonsense. Oh, and the popcorn sprinkle doesn't work, I tried. I also tried the butterspray last night so that the white cheddar sprinkle would stick to it better. It didn't. I've decided I don't like the sprinkle anymore and I wish I had my $1.89 back. LOL

Today I've already not done so well. I had a chocolate covered cherry for 75 calories and a Cadbury creme egg that I bought yesterday for 170 calories. Damn me. But I will work that into my 1500 calories for today and suffer later.

I had an annoying experience at the gym last night. I went to the gym, although I really did not feel like going. But I did it. So, you know how January - March everyone starts going to the gym so that they can try to get fit for swimsuit season? Well, this makes for a very crowded parking lot, especially at my gym because my gym is on a small lot instead of the other gym which is in a huge parking lot with other stores. Anyway....since January 1st I've had to fight tooth and nail for spots some nights. Sometimes circling the parking lot 7 times (no lie!) before I finally get a spot. Other nights I don't have to, but I'm way at the other end of the lot, which is ok by me because hey, I'm there to exercise anyway. A few extra steps is better than none.

Last night I pull in.....and I really just want to get the workout over with. As I pull in, I see a spot, up front across from the door, near where people pull in. It was a little tight, but I squeezed in there and left enough room for the guy on the other side of me to get out, although I had to squeeze out between my door and the other car though, but whatever. I was near the door!!!! I thought....how cool is this? I don't think I've ever been that close in the winter time. I'll zip in, zip out and nobody will get hurt.

Wrong. I'm the one that got hurt.

So I do my workout, and I'm in a rush to leave because I had to pick some groceries up at the store and I just want to get home. I'm going to my car and I see this woman pull in. Don't forget, I'm right near the entrance of the driveway where people come in, plus there is a truck parked (illegally) along the sidewalk in front of the gym not directly behind me, but enough where I'll have to be careful when I pull out. So she sees I'm leaving and she stops and puts her directional signal on. She stops right in front of the car next to me, thus blocking all of the traffic getting in. So the people trying to get in, have to go around her, thus making the people trying to get OUT having to wait. I must have picked the perfect time to get out......everybody was coming and going. I literally must have waited two minutes before I could even begin to get out. Finally it's my turn. Yay. I back out of the spot, and I can see from my rearview mirror that I'm getting really close to that truck parked on the sidewalk and I can't go back any further, No problem...I'll turn my wheel so I could go forward and hightail it out of there. Only I couldn't pull forward, because little miss lazy with her blinker on, was blocking the only way that I could possibly get out. I sat there for a second, looking at her. She looked back at me with a blank look in her eyes. So I motioned her to move back. She stared at me for a moment, not quite comprehending the hand signals. I motioned again, slowly this time. She got it. She turned to look behind her and wouldn't you know, another car was pulling in. Great. So she was blocking one side of the narrow driveway and I was blocking the other. So I pulled back in to let the other car go around her and I try again. Again, I couldn't get out. Again, she sat there like a deer in headlights. I realized that she wasn't going to move. She must not have realized that in order for me to get out of the lot, I would have to crash into her front grill and literally push her vehicle back, most likely out into the street, so that I could leave.

I was pissed now.

I violently pulled my car back into it's spot. I put the car in park and whipped my door open. I threw myself out of the car and walked around to the back of my car, now in her view. I could not control the tone or decibal of my voice when I screamed "I CAN'T GET OUT. MOVE!" She stared at me for a second, looking as though she were trying to piece those words together on her own to make a full sentence. Then she rolled her eyes and finally moved, realizing that she might actually have to walk an extra 10 seconds from the lot to the door. Pretty ironic since we're at the GYM.

I will never, ever park in front again. I would rather walk in the freezing cold on the sheet of ice in the parking lot to go through that torture again.

The Popcorn Incident

I'm really trying to eat right, exercise and lose this darn weight. I'm in the process of trying to figure out what works for me. Like when to eat, what to eat, what to avoid and what I can have. Last week I had a difficult time in the later evenings, being starving (LOL at starving...I could probably live off my body fat alone for at least a few weeks). I cannot go to bed hungry, I literally can't sleep. So I got in the habit of making myself toast. But not just two slices of toast, try FOUR. I love toast. It's simple and delicious, I could eat it every day. Anyway I had that and a glass of milk every night last week. That's just too many calories to consume in the late evenings.

I was thinking about it yesterday and it suddenly occurred to me that a good way for me to get "filled" up in the evening with minimal damage is to buy one of those 100 calorie boxes of 94% FF Orville R. pocorn. I figure that and some crystal light would do the trick. If you know the 94% FF popcorn, you know it's kind of tasteless. Not much butter, but not exactly plain either. So as I was buying it, I noticed on the shelf above it they had these containers that looked exactly like spice containers but they had "Popcorn sprinkle" in it. They had different flavors but the one I zeroed in on was the white cheddar. I look at the label and it has 2 calories per 1/4 tsp. I thought, cool....I could have a whole teaspoon and still be ok. I think they have sodium though but I'm ok with that. I got excited because my popcorn was going to taste good (I love white cheddar) and I was going to save a lot of calories.

So.....last night I had my popcorn with the white cheddar sprinkle. I quickly realized that because the popcorn was dry (the 94% FF is more dry than the Movie Theater Butter pocorn LOL), the white cheddar sprinkle did not really stick well to it. I could see a lot of it in the bottom of the bowl. So I thought....I know what would make it stick. Spray butter! "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" has this spray butter which is very low in calories and good for stuff like that. So i went to the refrigerator to get some, and I did not have any. I swear I thought I had some that I used recently, but it was hiding on me. Bummer. But then I had what I thought was a brilliant idea. I went to the cabinet and I and retrieved my cooking spray.....you know, the spray that you use to grease a cookie sheet or pan before cooking? (It was NOT butter flavored)

I don't know what I was thinking.

I sprayed some on sparingly, pretty excited that I would finally taste more white cheddar that I was longing for. I took some kernels and put them in my mouth and what I tasted was pretty disgusting. I wanted to vomit. All I could taste was the cooking spray. I was disappointed but determined to make it work. So I thought....ok, I'll doctor it up some more and just pour more sprinkle on there to get rid of that horrific taste that was abusing my pallette. No. I got a mouthful of white cheddar cooking spray. I ended up eating a few bitefuls and then throwing the rest out.

So the lesson today folks is don't spray cooking spray on your popcorn if you want it to taste good! I will be going out this evening to get my butter spray and then all will be right in the world.

G is for

One of my favorite bloggers, Sizzle (and darnit, I don't know how to link her name to her page but some day I will figure it out!) posted a pretty cool list of all of her favorite things that begin with the letter R. I need some fun on my page so I wanted to play, and she has given me the letter G. So here goes:

1) God

I do love God, although I do not talk to him enough. I talk to him when I need him and that's not a very fair or balanced relationship. Who would want a friend to call them only when they needed something? Certainly not me, so I need to work on having him in my life more.

2) Gabbing

I'm a phone person. I can gab on the phone for hours, depending on who I'm talking to. If it's a man I like you can pretty much guarantee that I can stay on the phone gabbing until he's ready to end the conversation. Which leads me to my next favorite....

3) Guys

Enough said.

4) Grass

No, not the kind you smoke! One of my favorite scents in the spring and summer is the scent of a freshly mowed lawn. It reminds me of the beauty of the nature, the warmth of the season and gives me the need to be outside as much as I can. I also love the way grass looks after it's mowed. The short, crisp, bright green blades which sometimes give a lawn the appearance of being "velvety". Is that a real word? If not, I'm ok with that.

5) Gum

I love chewing gum, and there's not many flavors that I don't like. My current favorite gum is "5" - Cobalt Blue flavor. It keeps it's flavor for a long time, probably longer than any other gum I've tried. Another thing I like about gum is the way I can make it snap between my teeth when I chew it. I prefer that to blowing bubbles. One time when I was younger I chewed a whole pack of Bubble Yum at once. I blew one hell of a bubble.

6) Gym

Ok, let me clarify. Is the gym one of my "favorite" things? No. Heck, sometimes I have to drag myself there and I don't particularly enjoy it. Other times, I think about it during my work day and I can't wait to get there. But I enjoy the gym because of what it does for me physically and mentally. Going to the gym helped me get through one of the worst weeks of my life recently. I feel good after a workout and it does wonders to my mood. I don't know how I would have made it through that one terrible week if I had not gone to the gym.

7) Games

I like board games and most of the games I play are with my son, so they aren't very "adult". I enjoy playing "Sorry" with him, but I refuse to play Checkers or Connect Four because he kicks my ass every time. I really really enjoy computer games. My favorite site these days is Gameland (http://www.gameland.com) and my favorite game to play is "Yipee" which is the computer version of Yahtzee.

8) Garage

I didn't realize until recently how much I love my garage. Sometime over the summer I put my old couch and loveseat in the garage and had every intention of bringing it to my sisters to put in the trash (she pays for garbage and they pick up anything and everything) but I never got around to it. Fast forward to the end of fall/beginning of winter. Once the first frost hit, I realized how badly I wanted to put my car in the garage every morning as I was out there scraping the frost and ice off my windows. I went through that for about 3 weeks before I finally cleaned out my garage and now every morning I take joy in knowing that I don't have to scrape ice or wipe snow off my car. I love my garage very much.

9) Gardens

I don't have a green thumb at all. I enjoy looking at other people's gardens. I think they are pretty and I like seeing different brightly colored flowers. It makes me happy. I live in a duplex and my next door neighbor is in charge of keeping up the property. His wife has a green thumb and has turned our back yard into a quiet, pretty haven of flowers and birdfeeders. I love spending time on my deck looking at the flowers and birds.

10) Gatherings

I like gatherings of friends and family. I like being around people that I know very well and that I love. I like reminiscing about old times and making new memories. My favorite gathering happens every Christmas. The mood is happy, fun and exciting.

These are my G's....I could go on and on but thankfully the limit was 10. Now I'm going to bed. Goodnight!!

I Love You's

I Love You's should not be said under the following circumstances:

~ To smooth things over when someone is angry at you
~ When one is drunk, high or under the influence of anything mind altering
~ When it's not meant
~ When the meaning behind it is not clear to the person you're saying to
~ When you have a significant other, you should NOT being telling someone else you love them
~ When you are in a "friends with benefits" relationship....it's confusing to the other party
~ When your significant other is angry at you and you turn to your ex for comfort
~ When you know your about to do something wrong
~ When you've done something wrong & you want to throw it out there just in case your caught
~ When you feel your world is crashing in on you and the one person who cares is there for you
~ To make conversation
~ When you're having sex with someone you aren't in love with
~ To get a woman in to bed

Note: If you are with someone that you say "I love you" all the time, then some of these cirumstances are ok.....just don't make a habit of it.

I got the drunk/did something wrong combo last night and I don't like it. I don't like it one bit.