Pepe Le Pew

I'm convinced that there is a family of skunks living in my yard. Every day for the last couple of months I've been graced with that wonderful scent of skunk. Occasionally during the day but mostly at night and in the wee hours of the morning. I'm kind of stuck with it too because I have to put a fan in my bedroom to keep it cool and of course that draws the scent in even quicker. I wish they would go tind another place to live, I'm kind of tired of waking up to it! One day I fear that I'll be walking out to my car to go to work and I'll get sprayed. From what I hear, when you get sprayed it stays on you for days unless you bathe in tomato juice. I can't stand either of those scents so I'm sure it would one giant gag fest.

Today was an ok day. I felt good knowing that I got to leave work at 3 to go to a dr. appointment and that I'm off the next two days. I hope I don't fall in to the same routine of hiding out in my room the whole weekend. I know it sounds crazy but sometimes I'm just not motivated to do anything, especially when I'm down and out. It actually takes effort to do something. That's how I feel lately, although I've tried a little bit. I really need to start working out again too. I've completely stopped that and abandoned any good eating habits I had a couple of months ago. I'm a disgusting blob.....you would think that would be enough to get me moving but so far it hasn't. I'm going to try to start up on it again this weekend.

Speaking of "trying"....I kind of hate that word. When I say I'm going to "try" to workout.....what does that mean? I either am or I'm not. What is the trying part? Scott used to always use that word, usually in the phrase "I'll try to call you later" Ummm, ok. Where does the trying part come in? You either call me or you don't. Unless of course you have broken all your fingers and nose and you have to dial with your toes. Then I can understand the use of the word "try" because I imagine that typing with your toes takes a little effort!

Twos Day

Today was an ok day. I had some moments again today but I seem to be getting through them ok. I talked to a couple of girlfriends today and they give me a fresh point of view and help me through my moments. They rock!

I got my new phone today....Samsung Behold.....and I love it! I have to call T-Mobile though because they promised me a free trial of internet on the phone and so far I'm not getting it. I had fun playing with it tonight when I got home from work and it kept my mind off things.

Starting tomorrow at 4:00 I'm done with work for the week and I'm excited about it! I hope I do ok all weekend, alone with my thoughts. I do plan an afternoon of beauty on the weekend though. My hair desperately needs cut and coloring and I'm going to get my nails, toes and brows done. It's been far too long since I've pampered myself and I'm looking forward to it! Other than that I don't have any plans right now but I need to make some before I end up hanging alone and drowning in my thoughts. That's never a good thing!

Another day

I'm glad that Monday is over! It wasn't anything bad in particular, I just wasn't in the mood to put on a pretend smile and act like everything is great...but I did. I had another blah day though. I wonder when it will get better. Tonight I started thinking about something that really bums me out. The biggest thing I'm going to miss about Scott is the chemistry we have. We have amazing chemistry and I've never felt more comfortable and free to be me with anyone else in my life. I know I should think positively but what if I never find that again? I don't think I will. It's taken me all this time to find that and now it's gone, he took that away from me.
I know I shouldn't care, but he hasn't tried to contact me either. That's probably a good thing but it affirms to me that I'm not as important as he made me out to be and now that he's declaring his love for his ex - whether they are together or not, I don't know - he really doesn't need me around anyway. Please jab the knife in my heart a little deeper.

Other than my crazy random thoughts it was a pretty quiet day. I'm taking off Thursday and Friday and I can't wait. I look forward to not having to put up a front and just be alone with my thoughts....or not think at all.

***In honor of thinking positively thanks to a kick ass chic***** (I don't know how to add her blog URL here or I would!) I want to give a shout out to a really good friend of mine. She's actually my best friend and she's always there for me especially during times like this and she let's me talk about it as much as I want to. Sometimes she gives me very tough love and is very harsh but generally when I'm feeling down and I want to talk about my feelings, she's there for me and she doesn't ever get "tired" of hearing me ponder the same things over and over. I'm grateful for her. She was even going to call HIM up and tell him off, and at first I agreed but thankfully I came to my senses and called off the dogs. LOL! She typed out what she was going to say and DAMN....she gives new meaning to ripping a new asshole. LOL But I don't need to go out like that. I've quietly disappeared and I think it's best that way.

Tomorrow is another day, it's supposed to be gorgeous and I'm one day closer to being over him. Yay!

One Day At A Time...

Yesterday was an ok. I didn't really feel too bad, and I got out and took my son to the movies. Today on the other hand I felt blah. I questioned why things happen the way they do. Why a good person like me who has such a huge heart can never find real love? But I know I'm not the only one in the world and I'm blessed with a well paying job, my health and a great kid. So who am I to complain? Still....I wish I had someone to call my own, someone to cherish me and treat me good. It bums me out. I will probably write about this every day for a while, but I will try not to dwell in each post.

I'm getting a new cell phone and I'm excited to get it, it will cheer me up. The unfortunate part of that is that it's going to add to my monthly bill since the new line with my old phone will be for my son. But still, I can't wait. I wanted to get it at the mall today but of course the T-Mobile store tries to hose you in to getting more services so I opted to do it over the phone AND pay $12 to have it express shipped hehe. That's the highlight of my life right now. Pathetic but true!

I can't wait to feel normal again....whatever normal is.

Random Thoughts

I think the key for me to deal with difficult things is to keep busy. When I'm home, I'm sitting around and thinking. Thinking about stuff I shouldn't be thinking about. When I'm doing things, it might still be on my mind a bit, but it's not constant and my mind is occupied with other things. So I need to allow myself more practice at keeping busy, even if it's the last thing I want to do.

Today I went and saw the movie "Orphan". It was pretty good! It was kind of long and a little bit slow in the beginning but it turned out to be good. I would definitely recommend it to anyone that may happen to stumble across my blog. After that I came home and haven't really done much of anything since then so then my mind's gone wondering...and not in a good place. I know I shouldn't hate anyone. It's a bad feeling to have for someone. But I hate him right now. I hate him for everything he's put me through and for being a cold hearted sonofabitch. I wish I never met him and I'm pretty proud of myself today for not crying over him. I think it really helped that I changed my cell phone number again so I do not expect him to call or care when he doesn't. I think when I can get past this and forget about him for the most part, one day I'll wonder why I stuck it out for so long. I can't wait for that!

Closing the Book

The final chapter in my shitty relationship with Scott (yeah I'm using his real name now) is done and I'm closing the book on it. I've said and thought this too many times but last night was the last straw. The first time he dumped me for someone else devastated me and almost broke me. But for reasons I still don't understand, I stuck around. I believed his lies and I ate up his words and the fact that he didn't want to lose me.

I believed him when he said he didn't love his ex anymore. I believed him when he said he loved me.

So why am I shocked and hurt that once again he showed me and the world his love for her on her myspace page? It sounds so stupid typing it, but it's not stupid to me. It hurt me again. It hurt me even more when I confronted him and he turned it around to something I did wrong. It hurt me that he fluffed it off and said "it's just a myspace comment". It's like deja-vu all over again and this time I'm not sticking around.

I'm down and out, I feel like shit and even cried at my desk at work and in my car at lunch. But this time it will not almost break me. It will be a long hard struggle because when I love, I love hard and I still love the asshole. But I will find a way to survive and come out stronger. I will find a way to eventually stop feeling like I'm not good enough and start feeling like it was HIM that wasn't good enough.

God please forgive me for the hate in my heart.

Committed

I've decided to commit myself (I could end this sentence here, but I won't) to blogging more often, even if it's about nothing. I feel better when I write. I do not, however, put my inner most thoughts on here....not usually anyway. So night after I blogged, I found myself wanting to write in my journal about what I was really thinking. But I was too tired and lazy to do so. I'm not really going to get all in to it, but I will say that for reasons I have no clue about, I still love the guy that broke my heart last year. We never stopped talking and for a long time I was able to bury those feelings for the most part. But recently they've resurfaced. I woke up this morning though, scared to death that he was going to hurt me like that again. Obviously no matter what happens, I will remain among the living and life will have to go on. But those were some of the darkest days of my life and I do not ever want to visit those feelings again. Still I can't shake the worry that has welled up inside of me.

Someone reading this may ask why then don't I just give him up if I have that much of a fear that he will hurt me? Well to be honest, I don't know how to give up on someone that I have so much feeling for, just based on a "what if". I don't want to regret anything later. So here I am, hoping and wishing for the best.

Bad, bad girl

I haven't blogged in ages and I really don't have a good excuse. I'm taking the summer off from school and I haven't been on vacation. I should be blogging. The only thing resembling an excuse that I could have if I wanted was the fact that they blocked blogs at work. That really annoyed me. That's where I did all of my blog reading and responding, as well as my own. Now I can't do any of it.

Anyway, nothing much new has happened since I last blogged anyway. I'm still talking to McS. We have our ups and downs, I'm trying to be on an up after a long time of really not feeling it anymore. But then we had a long talk and told me all of the things I needed to hear and I was sold...again. He is one person that makes me feel comfortable with myself. I'm overweight and he says I'm beautiful. I love to hear that. I'm sure that there are other guys that think that also, but none that I'm interested in.

I really have nothing new that I would like to report. Maybe that's another reason I haven't blogged. I lead a very quiet life!! In August I am going to NYC again with my friend to visit our college friend. I'm looking forward to that. And now that I'm not going on vacation, I should take a weekend and go somewhere. Some place inexpensive but fun and some place that my son would enjoy when he gets out of summer school. That really puts a damper on the summer and I hope it's his last year of being lazy.

Tis all for now.