Before I start, I'll warn that most of this entry will be filled with negativity and explanations to why I had a crappy day. But don't worry, I'll throw in something positive at the end.
My day started out crappy when the alarm went off at 5:00 and I did not get up to work out for the second day in a row. I was tired, groggy and sneezy and I couldn't drag my lazy ass out of bed which ultimately led to guilt and digust with myself for once again starting something and failing a couple of days later. But I'm not one to beat myself up for too long. All I can do is keep *trying* (oh I hate that word!) and hope that I can become consistent with my efforts.
When I finally did wake up, my first thought was that tomorrow is my birthday. Lots of people would be excited about their birthday. I am not. I was supposed to be away for my birthday, seeing my mom and having a great time with a friend but that did not happen. And the feeling of not having "someone special" to share my birthday with plagued me all day. I was down and weepy at work and feeling sorry for myself. It was sickening actually, but I could not help myself.
Then I started thinking about a year ago today. One year ago today I was in a happy relationship....or so I thought. I had a guy who I thought loved me and that I would be with for a very long time. I think a year ago I was on the computer like I am now. Three hours from now will mark the one year anniversary of the worst day that I've had in a long time. That is when I found out that I was not actually in a happy relationship. The guy, Scott, was seeing someone else and in fact professing his love to her on myspace. I know...in the grand scheme of life this is really not that serious. I get that. But truly that night (and several nights after for months) I felt like someone kicked me in the stomach. This was a guy that I thought would NEVER do something like that to me. We had a lot of talks in great length about the kind of relationship we wanted. We talked about cheating and I told him how I just wanted one guy to feel that I am ENOUGH. I learned a year ago that I wasn't enough. And I learned it on my birthday.
Fast forward a year later. I'm much stronger than I was last year. I still have a big heart and when I love, I love hard. But I no longer see him as the perfect guy, and I should not have thought that anyway, as nobody is perfect. I no longer have that same adoration for him that I did prior to a year. I no longer make excuses for some of his behaviors and love him "regardless". I'm much stronger, a little more bitter and a lot more cautious. I still a weakness for him and since then we have still been talking and I have forgiven him, but have not forgotten. I would like to think that I have learned a lot from this experience with him, and something that I can take with me in to my next relationship....whenever that happens.
So now I'm sitting here a year later, not really looking forward to tomorrow but at the same time I'm very thankful to be alive and have made it through another year. Death does not discriminate against anyone or anything...not age, race, gender or religious beliefs. It can strike at any time and I would like to try to focus on that and the fact that I'm living and I'm healthy. Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day.
2 comments:
Damn, that sucks. I had to ask my ex-husband to not have divorce papers served to me on my birthday. He's that callous. So I feel your pain. But ultimately, what I've learned is that I have to find a way to be whole on my own. It depressed me at first. It still depresses me a little. But I don't want to be bitter. Don't let that happen! Be happy! You have a good life! And when the right one comes along, you will know. There won't be any bullshit when it's right! And that is definitely worth the wait.
You had to ask him not to serve on your birthday? Ouch! You're right that is rough. Thank you for your kind and encouraging words, they really do help!
Post a Comment