Today I'm hosting my very own pity party, complete with cussing, ranting, venting, mockery, sarcasm and childish tantrums. When I'm done, I will snap out of it. But now it's time to PARTY.
I suck. I suck at school work because I'm a lazy ass who puts my work off until the last minute, and then when the last minute rolls around I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off, trying to get everything done, doing it half-assed and wondering why I waited so long. Why did I wait so long anyway? Truth be told, I hate school. I work all day and I have a child. I resent having to take my free time reading stuff I don't want to read, and then writing papers about the shit that I don't want to read. I want to do other things....anything. Just not school work. Often times lately I thought, "what am I doing this for anyway?" The economy fucking sucks.....20 somethings fresh out of college can barely find jobs, what makes me think I'm going to be so special? Oh yeah plus I'm putting myself in more debt. Just what I need. But I can't stop now......well, I shouldn't anyway.
I suck at losing weight. I am working my ass off. I have been going to the gym every day, now switching it up until mornings. Up until this week, there was no way I could get out of bed to go to the gym. But thanks to my friend A, we have been motivating each other to wake up. So I'm burning tons of calories and I'm eating way better than I used to eat. Not perfect....but much, much better. I step on the scale this morning, I haven't lost anything this week. What the fuck? Yes there were a couple of times that I didn't do great, but it could have been worse. Yesterday I did eat more than usual, so I'm hoping that is why I didn't see a loss. This upcoming week I'm doing an experiment. I'm staying within a certain amount of calories, no junk and making sure I work out every day, just to see if I lose. If I don't, then I'm throwing my hands in the air and saying Fuck it! I will embrace my fatness and be happy eating what I want. Or fake being happy, either/or.
I'm hungry today and it won't go away. Not after the bowl of cereal I ate for breakfast, or the 1/2 cup pineapple I ate for snack, or the ham sandwich that I ate for lunch......an hour early......and I'm still hungry. I haven't been hungry like this in a while! I don't like it. It kind of hinders the whole weight loss thing. I'm annoyed. I want to eat what I want.
Needy Nate has calmed down on the texts and calls. In fact he left me alone for the most part the last two days, only sending me an email Tuesday night asking me how my day was and how my homework was coming. I also got an email this morning asking me if I'm ok. Am I ok???? Why? Because you didn't hear from me? What the fuck dude....you don't know me well enough to even care if I'm ok so what the fuck? I know I should type him an email letting him know I'm not in to this, I just have to think of what to say. Or just ignore, I don't know and don't care right now. He ruined it with his needy ways!!! I want to tell him to PISS OFF!
I will never again in my life suffocate someone via text & email.
One cool thing. Angelina Jolie and crew are here for the next couple of weeks shooting some scenes for a new movie she's doing called "Salt" They are doing car chase scenes on the bridges here right near where I work. The good part: I can see if from where I'm working. Bad part: My exit to get to work will be closed. Fun but what the fuck?
Oh one other thing......my bosses have had less meetings lately, which means they are here more. Which means I can't do whatever I want and have to pretend to be busy, look busy even when I'm not. I am lucky to have a job, yes. But fuck, sometimes I'm so bored I can't stand it.
Ok I'm done now.
2 comments:
It's tough being positive. When you don't get it back, you want to throw your hands up and say fuck it. But don't. You'll only be hurting yourself. So have your party, and cry your eyes out. But then dust yourself off and keep on going. That's the only way. Trust me, nobody knows how you feel more than me (and vice versa)! And yes, we may have to do this more than once, but getting up is the most important part of falling down.
((((((HUGS)))))
You are one cool chic!
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