People never cease to amaze me. It's funny how when we meet someone for the first time you have a totally different opinion on who they are as people. As time goes on though, depending on the type of relationship you have with them, you start to see other parts of the person that perhaps you didn't know existed. I almost wish there wasn't such thing as a "first impression" because typically they are wrong. In the first impression, you don't get to see the bad parts. You don't get to glimpse in their past to see how they've lived their life. You only get to see what they want you to see, and many times that can be extremely deceiving.
I've learned over the past several few years that even good people can turn your world upside down. I've learned that genuine and giving people can also rip the rug right out from under you if it means getting what they want. Unfortunately, experiencing these things first hand has made me a harder person. It's made me want to put up walls that I would never have put up before. I don't understand how people can be so self serving without a thought or care about others whom their actions may effect. I'm a people pleaser. I like to please myself, sure....but I also like to please others and make sure that my actions don't hurt them whenever possible.
Maybe I should start to be a little more self serving and get the things I want and need and not really care as much about what other people may think or feel about it. I'm saying EVERYONE, I'm really just speaking about people that have proven to be out for themselves.
This all stems from a few weeks ago when, the night before my trip down south to see Scott and then my mother, Scott calls to tell me that he's got too much going on and I can't come. Seriously. He rocked my world that night. He proved to me that at any given moment in life, if it serves him or allows him to get what he wants, he will hurt me. That is a scary fact. Of course the next day he changed his mind but it was too late. I did not let him thwart my plans and I booked a bus trip straight to my mothers (that's another hellish story later).
Against my better judgement, I did stop by on the way back for a day. I wanted to get my closure, and I ended up remembering how nice it was to hang out with him. If I was smart, I would have skipped it all together but I did not want any regrets. I think I would have always wondered "what if"? Since I've seen him, I've been extremely forgiving and trying to put what he did out of my head. But on days like today, I can't do that. I still harbor a little bit of anger and disappointment over it. I'm not sure that will ever go away - basically because I know he could do that again.
I wonder if he realizes how lucky he is to have me in his life? It doesn't feel that way and the only time he ever shows any type of appreciation for me is when he's threatened by any other attention I'm getting here. It stinks. I wish I could just break free for good. Maybe soon.
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