The Best Intentions

I fell asleep early tonight, around 11:30 and then got woken up at around 1:45 by a phone call and needless to say I can't fall back to sleep. GRRRRRR Oh well that should make for a good nap later today.

I had a very frustrating day today. I start off with the best intentions, I really do. I tell myself that I'm ready to move on with my life and let the past go. I'm ready to let myself heal and move on from the person that has hurt me the most. It's something I want....no, it's something I need. But it never ends up that way because I'm weak, and he knows how to get to me. I'm not the type of person that can just cut someone off that I care about, without word or warning. So whenever I have these feelings that I need to move on, I feel the need to tell him rather than just disappearing without a word. I wouldn't want someone to do that to me.

So I told him today that I wanted to try and move on with my life and take time away so that I can feel better. I told him that some day I hoped we could be friends. I know he doesn't want to lose my friendship and so I thought if I let him know that it was a possibility some day it would make things better. S always says that I need to do what I need to do for myself and he doesn't want to see me hurting. In a way that's cool, I mean that's the right thing to say. Of course I feel a little hurt by that too because I wish it didn't turn out that way. But then when it comes time for me to move on, it never happens. It's hard for me to walk away and he doesn't make it easier either. He knows what to say and do to keep me around. He knows that in the moment all he has to do is cut the conversation short and then get back at me later that usually I'm too worn out and emotionally exhausted to argue with him calling me. Then we fall back in to the same pattern.

I'm just frustrated at myself. Why can't I be strong enough to back up what I say? He can't give me what I need right now and it's hurting me more to try to be his friend then it probably would to walk away and get my life back. But he is my best friend so I know that would be hard too. I have to find a way to do what I need to do for myself with the least possible pain. I'm mad at him for hurting me and finding someone to love when he couldn't bring himself to love me. I just want to move on.

Other than that (as if that's not enough) my day was ok. I relaxed since I had the day off. Tomorrow my son and I are going to my friend J's house for lunch. Her husband wants to play his new racing game with my son that he got or Christmas. LOL I don't get to see her that often since she moved about a half hour away so it will be fun. I also want to do some shopping for some household stuff with the gift cards I got from Target. Maybe Sunday I'll take the tree down so I can have my livingroom back in order.

That's about it for today. I need to try to get some sleep if I want to get up in a few hours to go to J's house. Will post more later or tomorrow.