Last night I was in a real funk. I was feeling kind of down. I inadvertently found out that McS "might" be talking to someone....someone that is not his girlfriend but that is also long distance. That put me in a real funk because I realize that even if he didn't have his girlfriend (which I'm not sure that has one. There's no way for me to know because I refuse to ask. I don't want to ask because it's not my business and whenever I get inquisitive I usually either end up in trouble, getting an answer that I don't want, or just hurt. Anyway so things just seem to point to the fact that he's talking to someone else and I got mad. But I was a good girl and didn't reach out to him....no calls or texts. I just kept it to myself. Mainly because I have no right to say anything, but also I don't know if it's true or not. If I call him out on it. he could prove me wrong so easily and then it looks like I'm the bad guy who's checking up on him.
So I cursed him to myself, I told myself that I hated him. I wrote in my personal journal and I told it that I never wanted to speak to him again. And I was ok with that. I figured my life would be better. I didn't shed a single tear. Then late last night he calls me and I don't say a word. I act like everything is great. Then we have a good talk, everything is pleasant and I hang up the phone loving him again. W T F? What is wrong with me, seriously? In all of my life, I've never been so attached to a person. Even the guy years ago that wanted to marry me. Before McS, he was the love of my life. But when that ended, yes it was hard and took some time. But I got over it. I'm not getting over this and I don't fucking know why. I actually irritate myself sometimes. What is it going to take? The guy basically dumped me for another woman. And he might be talking to someone else. So what does he have to do? Smack me around to get me to leave this alone? Ugh. Seriously, I'm getting annoyed with myself and frustrated that I can't get myself to kick him out of my life!
Other than my frustration I am actually good today. Sadly, I attribute some of that to last night's conversation. But I'm also looking forward to a step aerobics class tonight. I joined another gym (now I have two memberships, crazy me!) and now I get to do classes which will leave me gagging and gasping for air by mid-class. Gagging + gasping = great workout = weight loss. Woo Hoo!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Minor setbacks
I stumbled across the journal that I kept for my Women's Journals and Diaries class that I took last year. I made the mistake of reading through it. It took me back to the time last year in the couple of months before things went sour with McS. There were so many entries where I talked about us having a fight or about him being distant. I even questioned in there if he had found someone else. He did of course, I should have known. But even then he denied that it was anything serious and he didn't want to "rule me out" as he put it.
Sigh. It made me feel kind of bad after I read it and I did what I normally do and crawled under my covers to take a nap. I was tired anyway. But fortunately my silly cat kept me awake and so I snapped out of my funk, took a shower and feel much better now. I can't change what happened, I can only change how I handle things NOW. So, I guess that's a nice reality for me. But I won't be reading anymore journal entries any time soon. :o)
Sigh. It made me feel kind of bad after I read it and I did what I normally do and crawled under my covers to take a nap. I was tired anyway. But fortunately my silly cat kept me awake and so I snapped out of my funk, took a shower and feel much better now. I can't change what happened, I can only change how I handle things NOW. So, I guess that's a nice reality for me. But I won't be reading anymore journal entries any time soon. :o)
Friday, March 27, 2009
Zzzzz
Today was a pretty low-key day, not that I mind. I had the day off which was great! I like to tell myself that I earned it since I've been alone in the office most of the month. My intention was to get out today and do fun things with my son since he had the day off too. But it turned in to a morning of errands, then I took him to lunch and by the time I was done stuffing myself (ugh) the effects of sleeping only a few hours last night caught up with me. I took a long afternoon nap and chilled the rest of the day. Now I'm tired again and as much as I love staying up all hours of the night I think I'm going to turn in early tonight.
So even though I have nothing new or interesting to report but I have to say life is GOOD!
So even though I have nothing new or interesting to report but I have to say life is GOOD!
Thursday, March 26, 2009
An Old Flame...
An old flame is coming to town next weekend....and his name is Bret Michaels. Ok, so he's a fantasy flame. Shut up! I'm entitled to dream. After suffering a little bit of disappointment earlier this week when I decided I will NOT be paying $129.00 + tax to see Cheap Trick, Poison and Def Leppard this summer, I learned today that Bret Michaels and his other band will coming next weekend and I will only have to pay $35.00 to see my hunka hunka burning love. I didn't want to see Cheap Trick or Def Leppard anyway, so there! I'm waiting to hear if a friend of mine can go with me but if she can't, I am more than willing and happy to enjoy the show on my own. I would not miss this for the world plus I'm still really focused on ME and doing things to make me feel good and happy.
Anyway, Poison and I go way back. Back to 1988 I believe, when they were one of the hottest and prettiest glam bands around. I did not fall in love with Bret Michaels at that time though. He was too pretty for me and I didn't want to look like the guy in my relationship. But after he wiped off most of his make up and washed out a majority of hairspray, that is when I fell in love. Plus I've always loved their music and I later proved that I would do almost anything to see them. Twice in one week during college in 1990, my two friends and I traveled across the state to attend their concerts....without any money or tickets. If memory serves me correctly, we either won tickets or bought them for the first show in Syracuse. We had enough for a tank of gas to get us there and back. We had an awesome time at the show and came back to the dorms feeling like we were on top of the world. I could have sworn too that Bret was looking at me when he sang. He did, he really did! LOL
We learned that Poison was playing a few days later even further out west in Buffalo. I convinced my friends that we needed to go again. I begged, pleaded, cried and chanted "Poison! Poison!" and I finally got my way. With no money or tickets, we headed out on what was supposed to be a 4 hour trip. My friend wrote a check to fill up the tank with gas, we got some snacks and off we went. Several wrong turns and SEVEN hours later we finally made it. We get up to the ticket counter to buy our tickets.....with a check.....and were told they don't accept checks. I think we got the deer-in-headlights look before we started begging unsuccessfully.
We left the ticket area, defeated. But not completely. My friend had the idea that we should go around to the back of the building where she thought the tour bus would pull in, so we did. Nobody was there so we waited. Then a few other people showed up and finally the tour bus showed up. The band gets off the bus and my friend starts screaming to them that they wouldn't let us in to the show and could they help us. They motioned for us to come closer and she took off running toward them. My friend and were embarassed and afraid so we stayed behind the gates. My other friend comes back a few moments later and told us we were "in"! Oh the joy! CC DeVille told us to wait there and they will get us in. About an hour goes by and by then we thought he had played a cruel joke on us. But we were determined to see them so we waited. Finally one of the backstage managers got us and told us to come with them. He brought us to our seats which were on the side of the stage, but close. (I learned later that were seated in the slut/groupie section, but was so thankful we didn't have to perform any favors for getting in to the show LOL) It was awesome! We even met Bret afterwards at his bus where he was signing autographs. I wanted to take him right there and make babies with him. Sigh.
One other glorious moment was when I was the "Win a Phone Call from Poison" contest in Metal Edge magazine. When entering the contest, it asked me who I would want to call me if I won. I put down Bret Michaels (duh!) Months later, I learned that I won! Even more months later I got the call from their manager who told me Bret would not be able to call me, but Rikki Rocket would. I was bummed but excited anyway. Rikki talked to me for a good 20 minutes or so and I was able to wrangle more concert tickets from him for that summer. We met him and I met Bret again and I've been in love ever since. Even through their breakups and hiatuses I never forgot them.
I'm no longer really a fan of rock and roll.....but Poison will be my favorite band forever and ever! I can't wait until next weekend!
Anyway, Poison and I go way back. Back to 1988 I believe, when they were one of the hottest and prettiest glam bands around. I did not fall in love with Bret Michaels at that time though. He was too pretty for me and I didn't want to look like the guy in my relationship. But after he wiped off most of his make up and washed out a majority of hairspray, that is when I fell in love. Plus I've always loved their music and I later proved that I would do almost anything to see them. Twice in one week during college in 1990, my two friends and I traveled across the state to attend their concerts....without any money or tickets. If memory serves me correctly, we either won tickets or bought them for the first show in Syracuse. We had enough for a tank of gas to get us there and back. We had an awesome time at the show and came back to the dorms feeling like we were on top of the world. I could have sworn too that Bret was looking at me when he sang. He did, he really did! LOL
We learned that Poison was playing a few days later even further out west in Buffalo. I convinced my friends that we needed to go again. I begged, pleaded, cried and chanted "Poison! Poison!" and I finally got my way. With no money or tickets, we headed out on what was supposed to be a 4 hour trip. My friend wrote a check to fill up the tank with gas, we got some snacks and off we went. Several wrong turns and SEVEN hours later we finally made it. We get up to the ticket counter to buy our tickets.....with a check.....and were told they don't accept checks. I think we got the deer-in-headlights look before we started begging unsuccessfully.
We left the ticket area, defeated. But not completely. My friend had the idea that we should go around to the back of the building where she thought the tour bus would pull in, so we did. Nobody was there so we waited. Then a few other people showed up and finally the tour bus showed up. The band gets off the bus and my friend starts screaming to them that they wouldn't let us in to the show and could they help us. They motioned for us to come closer and she took off running toward them. My friend and were embarassed and afraid so we stayed behind the gates. My other friend comes back a few moments later and told us we were "in"! Oh the joy! CC DeVille told us to wait there and they will get us in. About an hour goes by and by then we thought he had played a cruel joke on us. But we were determined to see them so we waited. Finally one of the backstage managers got us and told us to come with them. He brought us to our seats which were on the side of the stage, but close. (I learned later that were seated in the slut/groupie section, but was so thankful we didn't have to perform any favors for getting in to the show LOL) It was awesome! We even met Bret afterwards at his bus where he was signing autographs. I wanted to take him right there and make babies with him. Sigh.
One other glorious moment was when I was the "Win a Phone Call from Poison" contest in Metal Edge magazine. When entering the contest, it asked me who I would want to call me if I won. I put down Bret Michaels (duh!) Months later, I learned that I won! Even more months later I got the call from their manager who told me Bret would not be able to call me, but Rikki Rocket would. I was bummed but excited anyway. Rikki talked to me for a good 20 minutes or so and I was able to wrangle more concert tickets from him for that summer. We met him and I met Bret again and I've been in love ever since. Even through their breakups and hiatuses I never forgot them.
I'm no longer really a fan of rock and roll.....but Poison will be my favorite band forever and ever! I can't wait until next weekend!
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
R.I.P.
There are those moments in life that can snap you back in to reality. It's what you do with those moments that matter. As much as I've been stressing out over my son not doing what he is supposed to do in school (which is still a big deal) and then not being on the track team like I asked him to, a shocking thing happened which jerked me back in to reality.
A 17 year old boy that my son played baseball with for two years died this past weekend. He went in to the hospital with pneumonia last week and while he was there, he contracted a form of staph infection and died. It's shocking and devastating. Not that any type of death is easier to deal with, but it's just so out there and tragic and I can't even begin to imagine what his parents are going through right now. I can't imagine what it would be like to have my child here one day and gone the next.....or the confusion and rage they feel over something so senseless and avoidable.
One of my biggest fears is something happening to my son. So if he doesn't want to be on the track team, doesn't want to clean his room, plays too many video games, doesn't clean up after himself or sometimes acts like the laziest kid I know....I have to remember that he is still here. Most of the other stuff doesn't matter. It's easy to get caught up in life and forget these little reminders but I'm going to try like hell not to. I gave my boy extra hugs today and thank God I have the opportunity to do that.
R.I.P. Kyle Gagnon.....you are missed by many.
A 17 year old boy that my son played baseball with for two years died this past weekend. He went in to the hospital with pneumonia last week and while he was there, he contracted a form of staph infection and died. It's shocking and devastating. Not that any type of death is easier to deal with, but it's just so out there and tragic and I can't even begin to imagine what his parents are going through right now. I can't imagine what it would be like to have my child here one day and gone the next.....or the confusion and rage they feel over something so senseless and avoidable.
One of my biggest fears is something happening to my son. So if he doesn't want to be on the track team, doesn't want to clean his room, plays too many video games, doesn't clean up after himself or sometimes acts like the laziest kid I know....I have to remember that he is still here. Most of the other stuff doesn't matter. It's easy to get caught up in life and forget these little reminders but I'm going to try like hell not to. I gave my boy extra hugs today and thank God I have the opportunity to do that.
R.I.P. Kyle Gagnon.....you are missed by many.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Oh the Memories...
Oh the memories
I went to my friends house on Friday night. She had been promising me for months to dig out this notebook that we used to write in during our business class in high school. I actually remember those days. It started out with me writing her a 'poem'.....at least she thought it was and that I had to inform her sadly that I wrote the lyrics to the "Golden Girls" (LMAO)
Thank you for being a friend
Travel down the road and back again
Your heart is true
Your a pal and a confidante
And if you threw a party
Invited everyone you knew
You would see
The biggest gift would be from me
And the card attached would say...
Thank you for being a friend
Looking back at the stuff I realize I was as much of a character then as I was now. Sometimes I don't give myself enough credit. I have a great personality and an awesome sense of humor! How could anyone NOT love me? ;o)
This weekend was busy. Saturday I worked out with my friend. Then later in the day I went to the mall to look for a new laptop. I was set on getting a mini laptop until I realized that the cost of that plus an external CD/DVD drive that I need, would equal the cost of a laptop they had on sale. So I walked out with a $430 Compaq and I love it! When I get some extra money I'll get my other one cleaned up and give one of the two to my son. After that I went and had dinner by myself at Sbarro's while I waited for the movie "He's Not That Into You" It was really cute! Some of it was a little far fetched.....like portraying the idea that women sit there and stare at the phone, waiting for the guy to fall. Do women really do that? Because I think I take the cake as far as being available (not a good thing!) for a guy but I never sit and stare at the phone. LOL But over all it was really cute. I also realized that I doing dinner and movies by myself sometimes!
Sunday was a total lazy day. I had every intention of going out, but I had one of my dark days and instead of fighting it, I just stayed in and did stuff around the house.
I've been doing good with working out, terrible with eating. Why can't I have both at the same time? I desperately want to lose weight but right now all I'm doing is maintaining. GRRRRRR
I went to my friends house on Friday night. She had been promising me for months to dig out this notebook that we used to write in during our business class in high school. I actually remember those days. It started out with me writing her a 'poem'.....at least she thought it was and that I had to inform her sadly that I wrote the lyrics to the "Golden Girls" (LMAO)
Thank you for being a friend
Travel down the road and back again
Your heart is true
Your a pal and a confidante
And if you threw a party
Invited everyone you knew
You would see
The biggest gift would be from me
And the card attached would say...
Thank you for being a friend
Looking back at the stuff I realize I was as much of a character then as I was now. Sometimes I don't give myself enough credit. I have a great personality and an awesome sense of humor! How could anyone NOT love me? ;o)
This weekend was busy. Saturday I worked out with my friend. Then later in the day I went to the mall to look for a new laptop. I was set on getting a mini laptop until I realized that the cost of that plus an external CD/DVD drive that I need, would equal the cost of a laptop they had on sale. So I walked out with a $430 Compaq and I love it! When I get some extra money I'll get my other one cleaned up and give one of the two to my son. After that I went and had dinner by myself at Sbarro's while I waited for the movie "He's Not That Into You" It was really cute! Some of it was a little far fetched.....like portraying the idea that women sit there and stare at the phone, waiting for the guy to fall. Do women really do that? Because I think I take the cake as far as being available (not a good thing!) for a guy but I never sit and stare at the phone. LOL But over all it was really cute. I also realized that I doing dinner and movies by myself sometimes!
Sunday was a total lazy day. I had every intention of going out, but I had one of my dark days and instead of fighting it, I just stayed in and did stuff around the house.
I've been doing good with working out, terrible with eating. Why can't I have both at the same time? I desperately want to lose weight but right now all I'm doing is maintaining. GRRRRRR
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Parenthood
I've been a parent for almost 16 years and honestly it's been easy. My son never gave me any problems, even as a baby. He never went through terrible 2's or gave me attitude about anything. Even now, he's really good for the most part.
However....
I don't think I've known a more lazy kid in my life. He does not want to do anything but watch TV and play video games. He is a quiet kid, very likeable and has plenty of friends at school. But that's where it ends. He never has friends over and doesn't really care to. He is painfully shy when it comes to meeting new people. He hates entering new situations because he feels embarassed. I sooooo remember being embarassed as a teen, but not that bad.
He tried out for the JV team this year but did not make it because there were so many kids trying out. Because of his anti-social behavior, I told him he has to try for another sport or a club. The only other sport is track, and they don't cut anyone. He was adamantly against it. I told him to at least check it out, and one of his friends on the team will even bring him to the coach. Do you think he could have done that? No. Then on top of that, he gives me attitude about it!
He's such a good kid, but I am beginning to see that my days are easy parenting may be coming to an end.
However....
I don't think I've known a more lazy kid in my life. He does not want to do anything but watch TV and play video games. He is a quiet kid, very likeable and has plenty of friends at school. But that's where it ends. He never has friends over and doesn't really care to. He is painfully shy when it comes to meeting new people. He hates entering new situations because he feels embarassed. I sooooo remember being embarassed as a teen, but not that bad.
He tried out for the JV team this year but did not make it because there were so many kids trying out. Because of his anti-social behavior, I told him he has to try for another sport or a club. The only other sport is track, and they don't cut anyone. He was adamantly against it. I told him to at least check it out, and one of his friends on the team will even bring him to the coach. Do you think he could have done that? No. Then on top of that, he gives me attitude about it!
He's such a good kid, but I am beginning to see that my days are easy parenting may be coming to an end.
Monday, March 16, 2009
I'll take an order of Excitement to go, please...
Another one of my new goals is not to mention a certain person in this blog anymore. At least not until I can do so without caring. Now it's going to be all about ME.
Today was a long day to get through. Just feeling mopey but doing ok with it. I brought my gym clothes with me and I'll be meeting my friend after work. I already can't wait to get that over with, but I know I will feel great that I did it. I'm toying with the idea of having a 2nd gym membership. My current gym does not have any classes and I really miss doing step aerobics. There's another gym that I could join and I would be paying $19.99 for each. I wouldn't give up my current membership because that is where my friend belongs and I will still like the option of going with her. I have to think about it more though. I need variety in my workouts. I figure a few days a week on the machines and a few doing classes would be perfect!
I need more excitement in my life. There has to be something more than getting up, going to work, working out, coming home and being a mom and watching TV. I would love to plan a trip, even a weekend trip with my son. But I don't really have the money. I desperately need a new car by the end of the year and all the money I have in savings will go to that.....if I don't keep dipping in to it, that is. I'm going to do some research and see what I can come up with.
Today was a long day to get through. Just feeling mopey but doing ok with it. I brought my gym clothes with me and I'll be meeting my friend after work. I already can't wait to get that over with, but I know I will feel great that I did it. I'm toying with the idea of having a 2nd gym membership. My current gym does not have any classes and I really miss doing step aerobics. There's another gym that I could join and I would be paying $19.99 for each. I wouldn't give up my current membership because that is where my friend belongs and I will still like the option of going with her. I have to think about it more though. I need variety in my workouts. I figure a few days a week on the machines and a few doing classes would be perfect!
I need more excitement in my life. There has to be something more than getting up, going to work, working out, coming home and being a mom and watching TV. I would love to plan a trip, even a weekend trip with my son. But I don't really have the money. I desperately need a new car by the end of the year and all the money I have in savings will go to that.....if I don't keep dipping in to it, that is. I'm going to do some research and see what I can come up with.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Second Job
Since my newfound dedication to MYSELF...I'm realizing it's like a second job. It actually takes effort to think about my own needs, and staying positive and not dwelling on what's wrong. But I think so far I'm doing ok.
I do wake up in the morning and I think about McS. Yesterday morning I awoke from dreaming all night about him. They were intimate dreams too...ugh...and seemed very 'real'. I never have dreams like that.....I wonder why now? Am I being tested? GRRRR
This morning again I thought about him and it wasn't easy to shift the focus so I sat down and drafted an email.....but I'm not going to send it. Go me! I don't want to be the person anymore that shares every single thing I am thinking. That's what got me in to trouble sometimes. So just because I have feelings, it doesn't mean I have to share them. I want to be like a guy, darnit. LOL!
Yesterday I got out of the house for the day. I had coffee in the morning and then started feeling like I was getting too comfortable being lazy, so I put my workout clothes on and headed to the gym. I came home and took a shower and my son and I went to the movies. We went to see "Last House on the Left" which was good, but I did not expect it to be so gory and graphic. I didn't know much about the movie but I thought it was more of a horror film. It wasn't and I must admit some of the content kind of embarassed me as I was sitting next to my son. LOL But we had a good time. We walked the mall after and then I relaxed the rest of the day.
Getting out and doing things is such a good way to take my mind off what's going on. So many times I have been at home on the weekends just doing stuff around the house but my mind was very active. I over thought things, I tended to focus on everything that was going wrong and it's just not healthy. I'm taking it day-by-day and hoping I can keep this up because I'm really liking the new me.
I do wake up in the morning and I think about McS. Yesterday morning I awoke from dreaming all night about him. They were intimate dreams too...ugh...and seemed very 'real'. I never have dreams like that.....I wonder why now? Am I being tested? GRRRR
This morning again I thought about him and it wasn't easy to shift the focus so I sat down and drafted an email.....but I'm not going to send it. Go me! I don't want to be the person anymore that shares every single thing I am thinking. That's what got me in to trouble sometimes. So just because I have feelings, it doesn't mean I have to share them. I want to be like a guy, darnit. LOL!
Yesterday I got out of the house for the day. I had coffee in the morning and then started feeling like I was getting too comfortable being lazy, so I put my workout clothes on and headed to the gym. I came home and took a shower and my son and I went to the movies. We went to see "Last House on the Left" which was good, but I did not expect it to be so gory and graphic. I didn't know much about the movie but I thought it was more of a horror film. It wasn't and I must admit some of the content kind of embarassed me as I was sitting next to my son. LOL But we had a good time. We walked the mall after and then I relaxed the rest of the day.
Getting out and doing things is such a good way to take my mind off what's going on. So many times I have been at home on the weekends just doing stuff around the house but my mind was very active. I over thought things, I tended to focus on everything that was going wrong and it's just not healthy. I'm taking it day-by-day and hoping I can keep this up because I'm really liking the new me.
Friday, March 13, 2009
"Me" Overhaul
I've done a lot of self-reflecting lately due to some things that have been going on in my life. I've pondered why I put myself in situations that aren't good for me, and why I keep repeating the same mistakes over and over. I've come to the conclusion that I need to make some changes within myself in order to not only be happy and healthy, but also to get the things I want in life.
I've known for a long, long time that I have a low self esteem. Somewhere along the line I convinced myself that I am not good enough for any guy. Through that, I have managed to settle for far less than I deserve and have thought it was ok because at least I was getting a little bit of what I wanted.
But it's not ok. I deserve to love myself. I deserve to feel good about myself and to feel worthy of any man. I deserve to feel confident and to be treated right. I deserve to tell myself when something isn't good enough for me. I deserve to have someone give their all to me for a change. But I can't get any of those things unless I work on myself first.
So last night I developed a check list of things I need to do for myself to start to feel better. It's not necessarily in order except for the first one.
1. Diet/exercise - Work out at least 5 days/week. Stop obsessing about eating right and just eat what I know I should be eating. Don't eat for taste, eat to live.
2. Be positive - I tend to think negatively about a lot of things because it keeps me from being disappointed.
3. Stop agonizing over the things I cannot change/Let go of the past. Also included with this is to stop being the "victim" and crying about how I've been "wronged" in my past relationships. Bad things can happen to good people, time to get over it and learn from my mistakes!
4. Stop looking for trouble - when I'm in a relationship I tend to start looking for things to be wrong because that is all I have been used to. I need to stop doing that and live in the moment.
5. Give myself things to look forward to - big or small....movies, shopping trips, vacations, etc.
6. Start getting out more - with friends and by myself. It doesn't necessarily need to be a bar, just to be out doing things I like to do.
7. Pamper myself to feel pretty - hair, mani/pedi and maybe even treat myself to a massage sometimes. Spend the extra money on the good makeup and other things that make me feel good.
8. Be more outgoing - Only people close to me know the real me. When I'm around people I don't know, I tend to be more of a chill person and I like to listen and observe rather than talk. I need to talk more and show people my true personality.
9. Start realizing that I don't have to settle, I deserve to be treated right! I need to stop allowing myself to be in situations that I know aren't good for me.
10. Stop being so available. Whenever I'm in a relationship or being pursued by a guy I'm always available. I never thought it to be a problem because I like to talk to and spend time with the person I'm seeing. But I don't always have to be around. I don't always have to pick up the phone whenever they call. I hear all the time that guys like a challenge and I need to be confident enough to know that if I'm not around, they won't just move on to the next person.
11. Filter how much I give of myself. I tend to go all out in my relationships right away and I think that most guys end up taking me for granted, even if they don't mean to. I fall too quickly and a relationship works best when both parties are on the same page.
12. Church - it might sound crazy but I think somehow my life will be better if I focus a little more on my relationship with God. I won't promise myself to go to church every Sunday but I would like to start praying more and not just for selfish things. I also would like to start reading the bible. I've set a goal to read the bible I have at home now from cover to cover. Then maybe when I'm done with that, I would like to get another version.
So that's what I have come up with so far. I really want to do this for myself so I can live a better life.
I've known for a long, long time that I have a low self esteem. Somewhere along the line I convinced myself that I am not good enough for any guy. Through that, I have managed to settle for far less than I deserve and have thought it was ok because at least I was getting a little bit of what I wanted.
But it's not ok. I deserve to love myself. I deserve to feel good about myself and to feel worthy of any man. I deserve to feel confident and to be treated right. I deserve to tell myself when something isn't good enough for me. I deserve to have someone give their all to me for a change. But I can't get any of those things unless I work on myself first.
So last night I developed a check list of things I need to do for myself to start to feel better. It's not necessarily in order except for the first one.
1. Diet/exercise - Work out at least 5 days/week. Stop obsessing about eating right and just eat what I know I should be eating. Don't eat for taste, eat to live.
2. Be positive - I tend to think negatively about a lot of things because it keeps me from being disappointed.
3. Stop agonizing over the things I cannot change/Let go of the past. Also included with this is to stop being the "victim" and crying about how I've been "wronged" in my past relationships. Bad things can happen to good people, time to get over it and learn from my mistakes!
4. Stop looking for trouble - when I'm in a relationship I tend to start looking for things to be wrong because that is all I have been used to. I need to stop doing that and live in the moment.
5. Give myself things to look forward to - big or small....movies, shopping trips, vacations, etc.
6. Start getting out more - with friends and by myself. It doesn't necessarily need to be a bar, just to be out doing things I like to do.
7. Pamper myself to feel pretty - hair, mani/pedi and maybe even treat myself to a massage sometimes. Spend the extra money on the good makeup and other things that make me feel good.
8. Be more outgoing - Only people close to me know the real me. When I'm around people I don't know, I tend to be more of a chill person and I like to listen and observe rather than talk. I need to talk more and show people my true personality.
9. Start realizing that I don't have to settle, I deserve to be treated right! I need to stop allowing myself to be in situations that I know aren't good for me.
10. Stop being so available. Whenever I'm in a relationship or being pursued by a guy I'm always available. I never thought it to be a problem because I like to talk to and spend time with the person I'm seeing. But I don't always have to be around. I don't always have to pick up the phone whenever they call. I hear all the time that guys like a challenge and I need to be confident enough to know that if I'm not around, they won't just move on to the next person.
11. Filter how much I give of myself. I tend to go all out in my relationships right away and I think that most guys end up taking me for granted, even if they don't mean to. I fall too quickly and a relationship works best when both parties are on the same page.
12. Church - it might sound crazy but I think somehow my life will be better if I focus a little more on my relationship with God. I won't promise myself to go to church every Sunday but I would like to start praying more and not just for selfish things. I also would like to start reading the bible. I've set a goal to read the bible I have at home now from cover to cover. Then maybe when I'm done with that, I would like to get another version.
So that's what I have come up with so far. I really want to do this for myself so I can live a better life.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Maybe I Was Hasty...
It wouldn't be the first time that I was hasty or made a rash judgement, and I'm sure it won't be the last. I laugh now about my "Bachelor" post the other night because I was so passionate about it, like I was the one that Jason broke up with on National television. LOL Hey what can I say, I love my shows...they are my entertainment. I'm also a pro at getting my heart broken, so I know what Melissa was going through.
But later on that night, I watched Jason's interview with Jimmy Kimmel and at first it was him saying the same old stuff. "I had to follow my heart" "I had to do what was right for me" "Melissa is a perfect girl, I hated hurting her". Blah, blah, blah. I didn't care about any of those things. I wanted to know WHY he did it in public. Finally Jimmy Kimmel asked that question. Why did you do it on national television? Jason's response was "I had to". While he didn't come right out and say that ABC made him do it, he did say that his relationships with all of the women were on television, and he had to do what he did on TV. So, I don't know if the whole thing was staged and he was never really going to be with Melissa, or if the producers of the show told Jason to break up with her on TV when they heard things going well. Either way I can understand better now and my anger (LOL) shouldn't be at Jason, it should be at the producers of the show. Talk about steeping to low levels just for ratings!! I don't know if I will watch the show anymore. Sure, I like drama......but if it's all a set up, what's the point of watching?
Anyway, enough of that rubbish. I was going to write more about what was going on in my life with McS, as things took a turn for the worst but I'm not going to go into. I'm dumb for trying to be friends with him after he broke my heart. I'm dumb for knowing he's selfish and accepting it. And now I have ruined things by being psycho to him and he isn't speaking to me and probably never will again. It hurts so much right now. I got drunk last night by myself. It made me feel relaxed, except I think I had one beer too many because I felt a tiny bit hungover. Tonight I will have one less. I don't know how people get drunk night after night, I don't think I could handle it. But I could really see how someone could become an alcoholic though. It makes pain more tolerable.
In the long run this is probably for the best. I just wish the "long run" would get here quick.
I'm so glad that I have tomorrow off and am leaving early today!! That does bring me happiness. I'm supposed to meet up with two friends I haven't seen in ages tomorrow. I hope I feel up for going. I've cancelled way too many times because of whatever was going on in my life at the time.
I know I need to make some changes and get myself together. It's taking the first step that is the hard part.
But later on that night, I watched Jason's interview with Jimmy Kimmel and at first it was him saying the same old stuff. "I had to follow my heart" "I had to do what was right for me" "Melissa is a perfect girl, I hated hurting her". Blah, blah, blah. I didn't care about any of those things. I wanted to know WHY he did it in public. Finally Jimmy Kimmel asked that question. Why did you do it on national television? Jason's response was "I had to". While he didn't come right out and say that ABC made him do it, he did say that his relationships with all of the women were on television, and he had to do what he did on TV. So, I don't know if the whole thing was staged and he was never really going to be with Melissa, or if the producers of the show told Jason to break up with her on TV when they heard things going well. Either way I can understand better now and my anger (LOL) shouldn't be at Jason, it should be at the producers of the show. Talk about steeping to low levels just for ratings!! I don't know if I will watch the show anymore. Sure, I like drama......but if it's all a set up, what's the point of watching?
Anyway, enough of that rubbish. I was going to write more about what was going on in my life with McS, as things took a turn for the worst but I'm not going to go into. I'm dumb for trying to be friends with him after he broke my heart. I'm dumb for knowing he's selfish and accepting it. And now I have ruined things by being psycho to him and he isn't speaking to me and probably never will again. It hurts so much right now. I got drunk last night by myself. It made me feel relaxed, except I think I had one beer too many because I felt a tiny bit hungover. Tonight I will have one less. I don't know how people get drunk night after night, I don't think I could handle it. But I could really see how someone could become an alcoholic though. It makes pain more tolerable.
In the long run this is probably for the best. I just wish the "long run" would get here quick.
I'm so glad that I have tomorrow off and am leaving early today!! That does bring me happiness. I'm supposed to meet up with two friends I haven't seen in ages tomorrow. I hope I feel up for going. I've cancelled way too many times because of whatever was going on in my life at the time.
I know I need to make some changes and get myself together. It's taking the first step that is the hard part.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Jason Mesnick, you disappoint me!
I've started several other blogs in the last week or so but I have not had time to finish because I've been busy. Today, however, I will make the time to talk about the controversial final show of the Bachelor last night. I normally don't comment too much about shows. I save all that for discussions with my friends. But last night's show deserves comment.
First of all, let me start out by saying that I loved Jason Mesnick!! He seemed like a wonderful guy. He seemed perfect, which should have been a red flag to me in the beginning but I am known for ignoring red flags. Anyway Jason is handsome, funny, charming, sensitive and sweet. He has a really nice body, seems to be a wonderful father and he's one of the rare few guys that is able to put his heart on his sleeve and be real about what he wants without all the games.......or so that is what we were led to believe.
At the end of the final show, I still loved Jason Mesnick and he picked Melissa, asked her to marry him and it seemed like they would live happily ever after. Three short minutes later I was shocked, disgusted and proven to be horribly wrong. Jason brings poor Melissa on the after show only to tell her that the chemistry wasn't there between them anymore, and that for a few weeks prior, he had not been able to stop thinking about Molly, the girl he DIDN'T choose. Hm.
I had to put myself in check because right away I was bashing him silently in my head for breaking this girl's heart. Getting your heart broken is the worst feeling in the world, but really how can you blame someone for not being in love with you? You can't.
You can, however, blame them for how they handle a situation. Jason and Melissa spent some time together after the show. They even spent the holidays together. I gathered from what they said on the show that they talked on the phone and texted often since they couldn't be seen in public together. So during any of that time, do you think Jason maybe could have arranged for a secret visit to her or even called her up on the phone to tell her all this, instead of bringing her on National television to humiliate her? I guess that would be asking too much?
I realize this is a "reality" show and it was probably done for the ratings. But if that's the case, ABC really outdid themselves this time. It's one thing to have all these women putting themselves out there (and some making fools of themselves) to find love. It's another thing to publicly humiliate someone to get some ratings. Not only that, but what about the fans of the show? What about the people that took two hours out of their night every Monday to follow the story of the single dad from Seattle, WA who had his own heart broken by his ex-wife, and who was trying to find love? What a waste of time! Many people would say that watching a crappy show like this is a waste of time in itself, but whatever. People find entertainment in their own way.
I'm disgusted with what Jason did to Melissa. It was cruel, unnecessary and heartless. Maybe I'm naieve but I thought he was one of the good guys. Because let's face it,....these days finding a good guy that self-absorbed, selfish, dishonest or TAKEN isn't an easy task.. I guess Jason proves that to be true.
Tonight is part 2 of the "After the Rose" show and I'm not one to wish heart break on anyone, but I hope that Molly has dumped him since the taping. I hope he ends up being alone and unlucky in love. Then maybe he'll have some time to spend with himself figuring out how to actually treat a woman before going on National TV trying to find one.
I was reading an article today and I came across someone's blog and this person summed it up perfectly and it's exactly the way that I feel. (Except for the last one which I will paragraph which I will modify to fit my own life). These are the things that I believe to be true:
Tears don’t mean someone is sensitive. I tend to be very trusting of people and if they cry, I feel bad for them. When Jason cried I interpreted it as genuine concern for the women. Nope. Jason is just immature.
Editing can make someone into anyone. Then I started to think maybe Jason wasn’t that great all along. Maybe it was just really, really, really good editing.
I watch too much reality TV. I see it as entertainment, a way to relax after a day of work. But after last night I feel like it is a waste of my precsious life.
I am so blessed. I am blessed that any heartbreak I've ever gone through has been in the privacy of my own life. Not displayed on National TV for the entire world to see.
Oh and one last thing. Ty? If you are looking for a positive role model, please look further than your father.
There, I'm done venting. For now. :o)
First of all, let me start out by saying that I loved Jason Mesnick!! He seemed like a wonderful guy. He seemed perfect, which should have been a red flag to me in the beginning but I am known for ignoring red flags. Anyway Jason is handsome, funny, charming, sensitive and sweet. He has a really nice body, seems to be a wonderful father and he's one of the rare few guys that is able to put his heart on his sleeve and be real about what he wants without all the games.......or so that is what we were led to believe.
At the end of the final show, I still loved Jason Mesnick and he picked Melissa, asked her to marry him and it seemed like they would live happily ever after. Three short minutes later I was shocked, disgusted and proven to be horribly wrong. Jason brings poor Melissa on the after show only to tell her that the chemistry wasn't there between them anymore, and that for a few weeks prior, he had not been able to stop thinking about Molly, the girl he DIDN'T choose. Hm.
I had to put myself in check because right away I was bashing him silently in my head for breaking this girl's heart. Getting your heart broken is the worst feeling in the world, but really how can you blame someone for not being in love with you? You can't.
You can, however, blame them for how they handle a situation. Jason and Melissa spent some time together after the show. They even spent the holidays together. I gathered from what they said on the show that they talked on the phone and texted often since they couldn't be seen in public together. So during any of that time, do you think Jason maybe could have arranged for a secret visit to her or even called her up on the phone to tell her all this, instead of bringing her on National television to humiliate her? I guess that would be asking too much?
I realize this is a "reality" show and it was probably done for the ratings. But if that's the case, ABC really outdid themselves this time. It's one thing to have all these women putting themselves out there (and some making fools of themselves) to find love. It's another thing to publicly humiliate someone to get some ratings. Not only that, but what about the fans of the show? What about the people that took two hours out of their night every Monday to follow the story of the single dad from Seattle, WA who had his own heart broken by his ex-wife, and who was trying to find love? What a waste of time! Many people would say that watching a crappy show like this is a waste of time in itself, but whatever. People find entertainment in their own way.
I'm disgusted with what Jason did to Melissa. It was cruel, unnecessary and heartless. Maybe I'm naieve but I thought he was one of the good guys. Because let's face it,....these days finding a good guy that self-absorbed, selfish, dishonest or TAKEN isn't an easy task.. I guess Jason proves that to be true.
Tonight is part 2 of the "After the Rose" show and I'm not one to wish heart break on anyone, but I hope that Molly has dumped him since the taping. I hope he ends up being alone and unlucky in love. Then maybe he'll have some time to spend with himself figuring out how to actually treat a woman before going on National TV trying to find one.
I was reading an article today and I came across someone's blog and this person summed it up perfectly and it's exactly the way that I feel. (Except for the last one which I will paragraph which I will modify to fit my own life). These are the things that I believe to be true:
Tears don’t mean someone is sensitive. I tend to be very trusting of people and if they cry, I feel bad for them. When Jason cried I interpreted it as genuine concern for the women. Nope. Jason is just immature.
Editing can make someone into anyone. Then I started to think maybe Jason wasn’t that great all along. Maybe it was just really, really, really good editing.
I watch too much reality TV. I see it as entertainment, a way to relax after a day of work. But after last night I feel like it is a waste of my precsious life.
I am so blessed. I am blessed that any heartbreak I've ever gone through has been in the privacy of my own life. Not displayed on National TV for the entire world to see.
Oh and one last thing. Ty? If you are looking for a positive role model, please look further than your father.
There, I'm done venting. For now. :o)
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