What I Needed

*Note: I actually posted this on Thursday, 2/19 but for some reason has 2/16 as the date. Whatever!

I started this blog on Monday and then I saved it and I never came back to it. So I'm starting fresh. Since I last wrote, I have been doing much better. I think one of the things I needed the most was to say my peace to McS. He always gets to say what he wants to say and then he runs away from any confrontation he thinks he might get from me, which drives me crazy. Then I'll try to call him and he'll avoid my phone calls and that's what gets me so angry and my need to blow up his phone with texts, because that's the only way he will let me communicate with him.

Anyway I can't even remember which day it was now but we had it out and I was very frank with him. In my heart of hearts I know I shouldn't even talk to him. But I have to ween myself away from him. I can't go cold turkey, it just feels too hard. So when we had our conversation, I was able to tell him the things I needed, including telling him that I am happier when we are not talking. I know that's harsh and I don't mean that 100% but it was really my way of letting him know what frame of mind I was in. Ever since I told him that though his whole attitude has changed towards me. He's putting more of an effort in to talking with me, which I guess contradicts my whole goal of leaving this situation alone. But right now I'm just taking it day by day and liking the fact that I do not feel so low.

I've also decided I need to stop devoting entire posts about him. There are other things in my life that I can write about! I really need to start journaling more about weight loss. I'm kind of annoyed at myself a little bit. Before last week I had been working really hard in the gym, about 4 days a week and burning at least 450 calories per workout. Then this mess happens and I get down and depressed and I lose all motivation and I only worked out once last week. This past weekend, I sabotaged myself by eating terribly. I ate everything and anything I wanted. By Monday, after I finished off an entire bag of chocolate hearts and my stomach was hurting, I knew I had to get back on track. So I did. My problem is still the night time eating. I'll have dinner and be satisfied from it, and I'll even have my little dessert (SF pudding with cool whip) but then because I stay up late, I get hungry in the evening and I end up snacking on things I shouldn't be snacking on. I put things in my mouth, knowing at that very moment that I shouldn't be doing it....but I do it anyway. What gives? That's like me putting my hand over an open flame, knowing that I shouldn't do it because the results would be harmful, but doing it anyway. DUH. I really need to stop. I can't go to bed earlier, my body won't let me. Having healthy snacks like carrots will not help me either, because they will do nothing for me and so I'll end up eating carrots, and then something else. The only thing I can think of is to eat dinner later. As it is right now, I don't eat until around 7:30 at night because of my gym time, and I hear that it's really not good for you to eat after 8:00. But if I am working out and I happen to eat at 9:00, would that still be bad? Ugh, I don't know.

Today I accidentally caught a glimpse of myself in the full-length mirror here at work (I think I did this a couple of weeks ago, and blogged about it too LOL). I tried to shield my eyes, but they weren't big enough to cover the girth that was staring back at me. It's time to take action.

On to other things. American Idol first. I don't know the girls name, but she's the really dramatic one that cries a lot and is very theatrical when she speaks or moves. She got eliminated last night and I was actually embarassed watching it, even though I was alone. I understand how completely earth shattering it is to feel your dream slip away at the moment, but she was the only one of the bunch that did not clap or get in to that other guy's song when he was singing it. I must admit she does bring drama to the show and it's kind of funny to watch. I got kind of confused though. Ryan Seacrest said there are 12 opens spots, and each group gets 3 members selected to be in the Top 12. But if there are 3 groups of 12, that means only 9 are picked and there are three open spots. So why is he telling all the contestants that they are done? The remaining rejectees still have a shot. Or do they?

Lost. I love that show. I love it so much! This is only my 2nd season of watching and I am hooked. I'm hooked and confused and there's so many questions that need to be answered and I hope and pray they will answer them and not leave me hanging. I will be unhappy if that happens.

The Bachelor. I love Jason. He's not normally my type of guy, but I would totally marry him and spend my life with him. He's sexy and romantic and you can just tell he's a really good guy. I love that show, and I'm even more excited over the fact that the Bachelorette Deanna is coming back next week to make a plea to him to pick her over the other two girls, even after she dumped him on her show last year. It should be very interesting!

On to other ramblings. I got my new cell phone the other day. I got the Samsung Gravity, Lime and Grey. It's bigger than I thought it would be, but it's got the full QWERTY keyboard so I guess it can't be that small. I like it although the only flaw in it, which I'v read in the reviews, is that the battery life is not good. It loses battery quicker than normal phones. But so far so good! I am doing more texting now and it's funny because I tell all my friends that now I am going to text them for no good reason and just ramble because it's easier to do that now. LOL

Well that's it for now. I know this blog is long, random and probably boring! But I thought I should get some practice talking about other things and being positive. Yay me!