Pain

I called in sick today. I couldn't deal with sitting there pretending that everything is ok. Everything is not ok. It hurts to be awake. I went to bed early last night and woke up a few times in the middle of the night. For a split second when I was groggy, everything seemed normal. Then when my brain registered I realized everything was not normal and my life as I knew it would not be the same, and I would get very sad.

I don't want to be awake right now. My head hurts, my eyes are puffy and my nose stuffy and hurts too. I must look like a real prize. I know everyone goes through heartaches and some more devastating than the next. But I feel completely crushed. I am afraid of how long it will take me to feel better. I am afraid that the sadness and the pit in my stomach will not go away for a long time. I can't feel like this every day. I know they say it will get easier in time, but really I have been battling this since last August. When does it get easier? Maybe now that I have no contact it will. I pray that I am strong enough never to contact him again. Because I've been through this before and I felt so bad inside that the only relief was to get in touch with him, just so I don't feel the lonlieness and emptyness inside. I can't do that this time. I can't be around when he makes a life with the woman of his dreams. Maybe that makes me a bad friend because I said I would be there for him forever. But how can I when I feel completely crushed and devastated?

My friend said he would eventually call me because he doesn't want to let my friendship go, plus he wants to keep me around just in case. I don't think that he will call me this time, he knows how bad I feel. I don't want him to call me this time. He doesn't want me. Plain and simple. So he doesn't have to know me anymore. My friend thinks I'm not "done" because she's heard it all before and if I was truly done then I wouldn't care or be mad at him. It's not about that, and I can't turn off my feelings with a switch. Yes I care about him, yes I love him so much no matter how he's hurt me. I wish I had a switch but I don't. She thinks I will get in touch with him, but I won't. I would rather go through this suffering now then down the line having him rip out my heart again. As weird as it is, I miss him already, even though there is nothing really to miss. I don't know if I will ever feel as comfortable with another man as I felt with him. That thought scared the heck out of me and makes me sad.

I'm glad that I have this blog to at least type stuff because it's all building up in my head. I just hope eventually I can start typing about other stuff. Now I want to go to sleep.