I just threw a temper tantrum and now I'm really sleepy. But blogging will help me mellow out first. I was talking to my friend the other day about S (I will start to call him "McSouthern" now since that's what we call him) and she was trying to tell me that I need to start playing the game. I'm too available. I'm too needy. I'm too much like a puppy. I never make a guy crave me because I'm ALWAYS there. She's dealing with someone right now who's been a player all of his life. He was her high school sweetheart and he cheated on her and broke her heart. Years later they have reconnected, he visited her and since he's left she's been playing the game. She'll let some of his calls go to voicemail. Sometimes she calls back, sometimes she doesn't. He went a whole week without calling her and it practically drove her crazy but she did not pick up the phone to call him. When he finally did call, she played it off like she didn't realize he never called her. She made it sound like she was too busy to notice. Because of the game, he's all over her. He now craves talking to her, he wonders why she doesn't pick up the phone, she's got him wrapped around her finger.
When we were talking about McSouthern the other night, I revealed that I had fallen back into the trap and having all sorts of feelings for him again. This was a big thing to admit to her because she gets angry at me for allowing this to happen. She said that the only way that he and I could ever work out is if I start to play the game. He doesn't want someone needy, she says. Most men like the challenge. I'm around all the time and I need to stop. She said it will never work the way I am doing it now....I mean it hasn't so far, so I'm thinking maybe she has a good point. I decided that I was really going to try to do it. If I have to play the game to be with someone that I love and I know I'm meant to be with, then I will try. She told me she didn't think I could do it. She told me I don't have it in me to be that disciplined. I told her I would prove her wrong.
I did not call him yesterday and he did not call me. I called him tonight before 8 because I figured he would be watching the Presidential sleep and there was a very good chance that he would fall asleep early and I wouldn't hear from him. But no such luck. He didn't answer. I texted him that the President would be making a speech at 8 and of course I got no response. I waited a while again before I called him. Again, no answer. Finally I texted him "Are you alive?" He eventually called me back and told me that he was busy around the house, and that he wanted to call me "real quick" to tell me he was alive, and then he rushed me off the phone and said if he didn't fall asleep later, he would call me. I know him well enough to know that when he sets up the statement like that, using the big IF....that he won't be calling me back and he has no intention. And I was right. I got so angry that he rushes me off the phone, I tried to call him twice, no answer. Then I left him a text and voicemail. But then it hit me. He knows how to push my buttons....he plays the game so hard and I'm just tired of having to work so hard. I guess I'm needy too. I don't need a lot though.....maybe a conversation asking me how I am, how my day was, etc. Instead of 1 minute, 30 seconds telling me how busy you are. I like the little things, I don't ask for much but I think I'm realizing that we are not compatible anyway.
I want a guy that picks up the phone. I want a guy that sometimes puts me first. I want a guy that I don't have to try so hard with. I want a guy that doesn't make me feel like I'm so damn needy....I hate that. I'm not that girl that can play the game. I don't have it in me to play games. I'm not the girl that can brush off my irritation of being rushed off the phone. I'm not that girl who can pretend everything is ok when I don't hear from a guy for over a week. I wear my emotions on my sleeve, and that's probably what keeps us apart, and keeps me from finding real love. I don't want to do it anymore, and I don't want to get dragged back into the web whenever he feels like it, like he always does. I'm not that girl who's ok with that.
I'm the girl that needs to find a way to make things better for ME.
Time for sleep. Throwing temper tantrums can be really exhuasting.
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