Sick of Me

Today was worse than yesterday. It seems like the longest day of my life. I can't stop crying and it's hard to keep it together at work. A few times when I was alone at my desk I would cry and then hurry to stop myself and get myself together before anyone came in and saw me. For the first time ever, I feel there is no hope with the person I love. None. Last night he said (and yes I called him in the midst of a breakdown) that you never know what the future holds...but I can't wait for that. He wants to raise a family. He wants to be together with his ex and raise their child. I can't compete with that. I can't try to wait around and be his friend and be in love and then have him up and change his life and move in with this woman. That will devastate me again, even more so then now. All this time I thought if I stuck around I would always have a chance. I also thought that if I was out of his life, it would just push him closer to her and last night I realized it's not going to matter whether I am in or out of his life, he will be close to her no matter what. That is when it truly hit me that I am alone and I will never get to be with him again. It's the most desperate, gut-wrenching pain I've ever felt in my life. Everything feels hopeless and right now I don't care about anything except for my son. I don't want to talk to anyone, I just want to hide away from life for a while. I don't want to hear my friends tell me that I'm better off without him, or put him down because they already hate him for hurting me bad.

Truth be told, I don't blame him. How can I? He's a human being and he wants what he wants. He didn't intentionally set out to hurt me, it just happened that way. I love him too much (I know I shouldn't) to blame him or hate him. I'm so stuck right now. I don't want to lose him....I don't want to face every day not talking to him. I already feel like a big piece of my heart is gone. It will devastate me to not talk to him. But at the same time, if I do I'm headed for more heartache and I can't take anymore. Maybe I really can but I don't want to. I've been through enough.

I'm sick of me right now. I'm tired of feeling sad and crying. I'm tired of having no energy and doing nothing but laying in my bed and crying intermittently. I try to put up appearances for my son but its exhausting. I told him that I'm not feeling well. I hate being in my own skin right now. I feel like a completely different person. I don't feel like me at all. I think it will be a long time before I feel better.

I don't know what to do. I wish I could sleep for as long as it takes to feel better.